The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (106 page)

brought three hundred marks with him in gold:I heard him

tell it to one of his company last night at supper; a kind of

auditor; one that hath abundance of charge too, God knows what.

They are up already, and call for eggs and butter; they will away

presently.

Good day, Master Gadshill. What I told you yesterday

evening is still true: there's a freeholder in the Weald of Kent who has

brought three hundred marks in gold with him: I heard him

mention it to one of his company last night at supper; he's a kind of

accountant; and one who has plenty of responsibility too, God knows what.

They are already up, and calling for buttered eggs; they will leave

shortly.

GADS.

Sirrah, if they meet not with Saint Nicholas' clerks, I'll give

thee this neck.

Sir, if they don't meet some highwaymen, you can

hang me.

CHAM.

No, I'll none of it: I pr'ythee, keep that for the hangman; for

I know thou worshippest Saint Nicholas as truly as a man of

falsehood may.

No, I'll have none of that: please, keep your neck for the hangman; for

I know that you worship the patron saint of highwaymen as truly as

such a false man can.

GADS.

What talkest thou to me of the hangman? if I hang, I'll make

a fat pair of gallows; for, if I hang, old Sir John hangs with

me, and thou know'st he is no starveling. Tut! there are other

Trojans that thou dreamest not of, the which, for sport-sake,

are content to do the profession some grace; that would, if

matters should be look'd into, for their own credit-sake, make

all whole. I am joined with no foot land-rakers, no long-staff

sixpenny strikers, none of these mad mustachio purple-hued

malt-worms; but with nobility and tranquillity, burgomasters and

great oneyers; such as can hold in, such as will strike sooner

than speak, and speak sooner than drink, and drink sooner than

pray:and yet, zwounds, I lie; for they pray continually to their

saint, the Commonwealth; or, rather, not pray to her, but prey on

her, for they ride up and down on her, and make her their boots.

Why you talking to me about the hangman? If I hang, it'll be

on a fat pair of gallows; because, if I hang, old Sir John will hang with

me, and you know he's no lightweight. Tut! There are other

companions who you don't know about, who, just for fun,

are prepared to do the job properly; they would, if

asked to look into the matter, for the sake of their own credit, do

the whole thing. I don't associate with footpads, thugs

who rob for sixpence, none of these purple faced moustached

boozers; but with noblemen, calm men, mayors and

important officials; ones who can control themselves, who will

strike sooner than speak, and speak sooner than drink, and drink sooner than

pray: and yet, by God, I lie; for they pray continually to their

saint, the Commonwealth; or rather, they don't pray to her, they prey on her,

for they ride up and down on her, making her their booty.

CHAM.

What, the Commonwealth their boots? will she hold out water

in foul way?

What, the Commonwealth is their boots? Will she keep out the water

on muddy roads?

GADS.

She will, she will; justice hath liquor'd her. We steal as in a

castle, cock-sure; we have the receipt of fernseed,--we walk

invisible.

She will, she will; she's been well greased. We steal with

complete impunity; it's as if we've taken the fernseed to make us invisible.

CHAM.

Nay, by my faith, I think you are more beholding to the night

than to fern-seed for your walking invisible.

No, I swear, I think it's the night rather than

fernseed that makes you invisible.

GADS.

Give me thy hand:thou shalt have a share in our purchase, as

I am a true man.

Give me your hand: you shall get us to share of our profits,

as I am an honest man.

CHAM.

Nay, rather let me have it, as you are a false thief.

No, I'd sooner have your promise as a false thief.

GADS.

Go to; homo is a common name to all men. Bid the ostler

bring my gelding out of the stable. Farewell, you muddy knave.

Get away, all men are the same at bottom. Tell the ostler

to bring my gelding out of the stable. Farewell, you muddy knave.

[Exeunt.]

[Enter Prince Henry and Pointz; Bardolph and Peto at

some distance.]

POINTZ.

Come, shelter, shelter:I have remov'd Falstaff's horse,

and he frets like a gumm'd velvet.

Come, hide, hide: I have taken Falstaff's horse away,

and he chafes like fraying velvet.

PRINCE.

Stand close.

Keep near me.

[They retire.]

[Enter Falstaff.]

FAL.

Pointz! Pointz, and be hang'd! Pointz!

Pointz!Pointz, damn you!Pointz!

PRINCE.

[Coming forward.]

Peace, ye fat-kidney'd rascal! what a brawling dost thou keep!

Quiet, you tubby rascal!What a racket you're making.

FAL.

Where's Pointz, Hal?

Where's Pointz, Hal?

PRINCE.

He is walk'd up to the top of the hill: I'll go seek him.

He walked up to the top of the hill; I'll go and look for him.

[Retires.]

FAL.

I am accursed to rob in that thief's company:the rascal hath

removed my horse, and tied him I know not where. If I travel but

four foot by the squire further a-foot, I shall break my wind.

Well, I doubt not but to die a fair death for all this, if I 'scape

hanging for killing that rogue. I have forsworn his company hourly

any time this two-and-twenty year, and yet I am bewitch'd with the

rogue's company. If the rascal have not given me medicines to make

me love him, I'll be hang'd; it could not be else:I have drunk

medicines.--

Pointz!--Hal!--a plague upon you both!--Bardolph!--Peto!--I'll

starve, ere I'll rob a foot further. An 'twere not as good a deed as

drink, to turn true man, and to leave these rogues, I am the veriest

varlet that ever chewed with a tooth. Eight yards of uneven ground

is threescore and ten miles a-foot with me; and the stony-hearted

villains know it well enough:a plague upon't, when thieves cannot

be true one to another!

[They whistle.] Whew!--A plague upon you all! Give me

my horse, you rogues; give me my horse, and be hang'd!

It's a curse to have to rob in that thief's company: the rascal has

taken my horse and I don't know where he's tied him up.If I

have to walk another four feet I'll be done for.

Well, I dare say I'll die a fair death for this, if I'm not

hanged for killing that rogue.Every hour of these past

twenty two years I've said I won't have any more to do with

him, but he seems to cast a spell over me.I'll be hanged if he

hasn't given me some potion to make me like him; it's the only explanation:

I have drunk medicines -

Pointz!Hal!Damn you both! Bardolph!Peto! I'll

starve before I do another robbery.And if it isn't as good a deed

as drinking to become a good man, and to leave these rogues,

I'm the greatest scoundrel alive.Eight yards over rough ground

is like a seventy mile walk for me; and the stony-hearted

villains know it well enough: curse the time, when thieves

have no loyalty to each other!

[Whistle] Whistling!Damn you all!Give me my horse, you scoundrels!

Give me my horse, and go hang yourselves!

PRINCE.

[Coming forward.] Peace! lie down; lay thine ear close to the

ground, and list if thou canst hear the tread of travellers.

Quiet!Lie down; put your ear to the ground

and listen for travellers.

FAL.

Have you any levers to lift me up again, being down? 'Sblood, I'll

not bear mine own flesh so far a-foot again for all the coin in thy

father's exchequer. What a plague mean ye to colt me thus?

Do you have levers to lift me up again once I'm down?By God,

I shan't walk so far on foot again, not for all the money in your

father's treasury.What the devil is this trick you're playing on me?

PRINCE.

Thou liest; thou art not colted, thou art uncolted.

You're lying; you're not tricked, you're unhorsed.

FAL.

I pr'ythee, good Prince Hal, help me to my horse, good king's

son.

Please. good Prince Hal, help me find my horse, good king's

son.

PRINCE.

Out, ye rogue! shall I be your ostler?

Get lost, you rogue!Am I your groom?

FAL.

Go, hang thyself in thine own heir-apparent garters! If I be

ta'en, I'll peach for this. An I have not ballads made on you

all, and sung to filthy tunes, let a cup of sack be my poison.

When a jest is so forward, and a-foot too, I hate it.

Go and hang yourself with your heir-apparent garters!If I'm caught

I'll turn informant. If I don't have songs written about you all,

and sung to filthy tunes, let me be poisoned with a cup of sack.

I hate this sort of practical joking, especially when it means I have to walk.

[Enter Gadshill.]

GADS.

Stand!

Stand!

FAL.

So I do, against my will.

I am, though I don't want to.

POINTZ.

O, 'tis our setter: I know his voice.

Oh, it's our informant; I know his voice.

[Comes forward with Bardolph and Peto.]

BARD.

What news?

What's the news?