The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (1108 page)

ACHILLES.

My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite

From my great purpose in to-morrow's battle.

Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,

A token from her daughter, my fair love,

Both taxing me and gaging me to keep

An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it.

Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay;

My major vow lies here, this I'll obey.

Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent;

This night in banqueting must all be spent.

Away, Patroclus! Exit with PATROCLUS

My sweet Patroclus, I have been quite diverted

from my plan for tomorrow's battle.

Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,

a present from her daughter, my fair love,

both reproving me and reminding me to keep

an oath that I have sworn. I will not break it.

The Greeks can lose; fame can disappear; honour can come and go;

this is my greatest promise, this is what I shall obey.

Come, come, Thersites, help tidy my tent;

tonight will be spent banqueting.

Come on, Patroclus!

THERSITES.

With too much blood and too little brain these two may

run mad; but, if with too much brain and to little blood they do,

I'll be a curer of madmen. Here's Agamemnon, an honest fellow

enough, and one that loves quails, but he has not so much brain

as ear-wax; and the goodly transformation of Jupiter there, his

brother, the bull, the primitive statue and oblique memorial of

cuckolds, a thrifty shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his

brother's leg-to what form but that he is, should wit larded with

malice, and malice forced with wit, turn him to? To an ass, were

nothing: he is both ass and ox. To an ox, were nothing: he is both

ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a

lizard, an owl, a put-tock, or a herring without a roe, I would

not care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspire against destiny.

Ask me not what I would be, if I were not Thersites; for I care

not to be the louse of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus. Hey-day!

sprites and fires!

With too much passion and not enough brains these two may

go mad; but if they went mad with too much brain and not enough passion

I swear I could cure them.Here's Agamemnon, a nice enough

chap, and someone who loves the birds, but he's got more earwax

than brains; and that strange imitation of Jupiter there, his

brother, the bull, the model of all cuckolds, a useful but cheap tool,

a shoehorn hanging by a chain from Agamemnon's leg - to make him

look different, what should I do, spreading malice on my wit,

and stuffing wit with malice? To turn him into an ass would be nothing:

he is an ass and an ox. To turn him into an ox would be nothing: he is

 an ox and an ass.If I wasa dog, a mule, a cat, a polecat, a toad, a

lizard, an owl, a kite, or a barren herring, I would

not care; but if I had to be Menelaus, I would do anything to change

my fate. Don't ask me what I would be, if I wasn't Thersites; I wouldn't

want to be a leper's louse, so I wouldn't want to be Menelaus. Hello!

Fairies with fires!

Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES,

NESTOR, MENELAUS, and DIOMEDES, with lights

AGAMEMNON.

We go wrong, we go wrong.

I'm sure we've gone the wrong way.

AJAX.

No, yonder 'tis;

There, where we see the lights.

No, it's over there;

there, where you can see the light.

HECTOR.

I trouble you.

I'm giving you trouble.

AJAX.

No, not a whit.

No, not at all.

Re-enter ACHILLES

ULYSSES.

Here comes himself to guide you.

Here he comes himself to guide you.

ACHILLES.

Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, Princes all.

Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, all you princes.

AGAMEMNON.

So now, fair Prince of Troy, I bid good night;

Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.

So now, fair Prince of Troy, I'll say good night;

Ajax has been assigned to look after you.

HECTOR.

Thanks, and good night to the Greeks' general.

Thank you, and good night to the general of the Greeks.

MENELAUS.

Good night, my lord.

Good night, my lord.

HECTOR.

Good night, sweet Lord Menelaus.

Good night, sweet Lord Menelaus.

THERSITES.

Sweet draught! 'Sweet' quoth 'a?

Sweet sink, sweet sewer!

A sweetcesspool! ‘Sweet’ he says?

Sweet toilet, sweet sewer!

ACHILLES.

Good night and welcome, both at once, to those

That go or tarry.

Good night and welcome, both at the same time, to those

who are going and those who are staying.

AGAMEMNON.

Good night.

Good night.

Exeunt AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS

ACHILLES.

Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,

Keep Hector company an hour or two.

Old Nestor is staying; and you, Diomedes,

keep Hector company for an hour or two.

DIOMEDES.

I cannot, lord; I have important business,

The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.

I cannot, Lord; I have important business,

which must be dealt with now. Good night, great Hector.

HECTOR.

Give me your hand.

Give me your hand.

ULYSSES.

[Aside to TROILUS] Follow his torch; he goes to

Calchas' tent; I'll keep you company.

Follow his torch; he's going to

Calchas' tent; I'll keep you company.

TROILUS.

Sweet sir, you honour me.

Sweet sir, you honour me.

HECTOR.

And so, good night.

And so, good night.

Exit DIOMEDES; ULYSSES and TROILUS following

ACHILLES.

Come, come, enter my tent.

Come on, come into my tent.

Exeunt all but THERSITES

THERSITES.

That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust

knave; I will no more trust him when he leers than I will a

serpent when he hisses. He will spend his mouth and promise, like

Brabbler the hound; but when he performs, astronomers foretell

it: it is prodigious, there will come some change; the sun

borrows of the moon when Diomed keeps his word. I will rather

leave to see Hector than not to dog him. They say he keeps a

Troyan drab, and uses the traitor Calchas' tent. I'll after.

Nothing but lechery! All incontinent varlets!

Exit

That Diomedes is a false hearted scoundrel, a most dishonest

knave; I wouldn't trust him when he smiles any more than I trust

a snake when he hisses. He gives plenty of promises, like a

dog that's always barking; but when he actually makes good on them,

astrologers know it's going to happen: it's amazing, there must be a big change;

the sun gets light from the moon when Diomedes keeps his word. I would rather

not see Hector than miss the chance to follow him.

They say he has a Trojan tart, and uses the traitor Calchas' tent. I'll follow.

Nothing but lechery! What a bunch of randy scoundrels!

Enter DIOMEDES

DIOMEDES.

What, are you up here, ho? Speak.

Hello, is there anyone about? Speak.

CALCHAS.

[Within] Who calls?

Who's calling?

DIOMEDES.

Diomed. Calchas, I think. Where's your daughter?

Diomedes. That's Calchas, isn't it. Where's your daughter?

CALCHAS.

[Within] She comes to you.

She's coming to you.

Enter TROILUS and ULYSSES, at a distance; after them

THERSITES

ULYSSES.

Stand where the torch may not discover us.

Stand where they can't see the torch.

Enter CRESSIDA

TROILUS.

Cressid comes forth to him.

Cressida'scome out to him.

DIOMEDES.

How now, my charge!

Hello there, my charge!

CRESSIDA.

Now, my sweet guardian! Hark, a word with you.

[Whispers]

Hello, my sweet guardian! Listen, a word with you.

TROILUS.

Yea, so familiar!

Look, so familiar!

ULYSSES.

She will sing any man at first sight.

She attracts any man who sees her.

THERSITES.

And any man may sing her, if he can take her clef;

she's noted.

And any man can play with her, if he knows her key;

she is notorious for it.

DIOMEDES.

Will you remember?

Will you remember?

CRESSIDA.

Remember? Yes.

Remember? Yes.

DIOMEDES.

Nay, but do, then;

And let your mind be coupled with your words.

Well, make sure you do then;

and do as you said.

TROILUS.

What shall she remember?

What’s he referring to?

ULYSSES.

List!

Listen!

CRESSIDA.

Sweet honey Greek, tempt me no more to folly.

You sweet as honey Greek, stop trying to tempt me to sin.