The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (1110 page)

without setting you off.

DIOMEDES.

I do not like this fooling.

I don't like this fooling about.

THERSITES.

Nor I, by Pluto; but that that likes not you

Pleases me best.

Nor do I, by Pluto; but what you don't like

I like the most.

DIOMEDES.

What, shall I come? The hour-

What, shall I come? The time–

CRESSIDA.

Ay, come-O Jove! Do come. I shall be plagu'd.

Yes, come–oh Jove! Do come. What a life I have!

DIOMEDES.

Farewell till then.

Farewell until then.

CRESSIDA.

Good night. I prithee come. Exit DIOMEDES

Troilus, farewell! One eye yet looks on thee;

But with my heart the other eye doth see.

Ah, poor our sex! this fault in us I find,

The error of our eye directs our mind.

What error leads must err; O, then conclude,

Minds sway'd by eyes are full of turpitude.

Exit

Good night. Please come.

Troilus, farewell! One of my eyes still looks at you;

but my heart is seeing with the other.

Ah, how poor women are! I find this fault in us,

that our wandering eyes direct our minds.

When you wander from the path you must make mistakes; so we see

that minds governed by eyes are depraved.

THERSITES.

A proof of strength she could not publish more,

Unless she said 'My mind is now turn'd whore.'

She couldn't give clearer evidence,

unless she said, ‘I have now become a whore.'

ULYSSES.

All's done, my lord.

It's over, my lord.

TROILUS.

It is.

It is.

ULYSSES.

Why stay we, then?

Why are we staying, then?

TROILUS.

To make a recordation to my soul

Of every syllable that here was spoke.

But if I tell how these two did coact,

Shall I not lie in publishing a truth?

Sith yet there is a credence in my heart,

An esperance so obstinately strong,

That doth invert th' attest of eyes and ears;

As if those organs had deceptious functions

Created only to calumniate.

Was Cressid here?

To make sure I clearly remember

every syllable that was spoken here.

But if I tell how these two carried on together,

won't I be lying when publishing the truth?

Since there is still a belief in my heart,

a hope so obstinately strong,

that it rejects the proof of eyes and ears,

as if those organs were deceivers,

created only to slander.

Was Cressida here?

ULYSSES.

I cannot conjure, Troyan.

I'm not a magician, Trojan, I couldn't have conjured her up.

TROILUS.

She was not, sure.

I'm sure she wasn't.

ULYSSES.

Most sure she was.

She definitely was.

TROILUS.

Why, my negation hath no taste of madness.

My denial of this is not madness.

ULYSSES.

Nor mine, my lord. Cressid was here but now.

Nor is what I say, my lord. Cressida was here just now.

TROILUS.

Let it not be believ'd for womanhood.

Think, we had mothers; do not give advantage

To stubborn critics, apt, without a theme,

For depravation, to square the general sex

By Cressid's rule. Rather think this not Cressid.

Let no one believe that, for the sake of womanhood!

Think, we had mothers. Don't give ammunition

to harsh critics, who will, when they don't have

specific grounds to accuse women, will say they are all

like Cressida. Better to think that this wasn't Cressida.

ULYSSES.

What hath she done, Prince, that can soil our mothers?

What has she done, Prince, that can stain our mothers?

TROILUS.

Nothing at all, unless that this were she.

Nothing at all, unless this was her.

THERSITES.

Will 'a swagger himself out on's own eyes?

Is he going to talk himself out of believing the evidence of his own eyes?

TROILUS.

This she? No; this is Diomed's Cressida.

If beauty have a soul, this is not she;

If souls guide vows, if vows be sanctimonies,

If sanctimony be the god's delight,

If there be rule in unity itself,

This was not she. O madness of discourse,

That cause sets up with and against itself!

Bifold authority! where reason can revolt

Without perdition, and loss assume all reason

Without revolt: this is, and is not, Cressid.

Within my soul there doth conduce a fight

Of this strange nature, that a thing inseparate

Divides more wider than the sky and earth;

And yet the spacious breadth of this division

Admits no orifex for a point as subtle

As Ariachne's broken woof to enter.

Instance, O instance! strong as Pluto's gates:

Cressid is mine, tied with the bonds of heaven.

Instance, O instance! strong as heaven itself:

The bonds of heaven are slipp'd, dissolv'd, and loos'd;

And with another knot, five-finger-tied,

The fractions of her faith, orts of her love,

The fragments, scraps, the bits, and greasy relics

Of her o'er-eaten faith, are bound to Diomed.

This one? No, this is Diomedes' Cressida.

If beauty has a soul, this is not her;

if souls keep vows, if vows are holy,

if holiness delights the gods,

if things can only be one thing,

this was not her. What a mad argument,

that sets up arguments for and against itself!

A complete contradiction, when reasoning can

contradict itself without damaging itself,

and when unreasonableness can seem rational

without contradiction! This is and is not Cressida.

There is a fight going on within my soul

of a strange type, thinking that an indivisible thing

has been divided wider than the sky and earth,

and yet the great gap this has created

hasn't given the space big enough for something as small

as a spider's web to go through it.

As an example, as strong as the gates of hell,

Cressida is mine, tied to me with heavenly bonds;

as an example,as strong as heaven itself,

the bonds of heaven have been thrown off,

and another knot, impossible to untie,

has bound the fragments of her faith, the leftovers of her love,

all the filthy greasy scraps of the meal of her

finished fidelity, to Diomedes.

ULYSSES.

May worthy Troilus be half-attach'd

With that which here his passion doth express?

Is worthy Troilus half as much moved

as he appears to be?

TROILUS.

Ay, Greek; and that shall be divulged well

In characters as red as Mars his heart

Inflam'd with Venus. Never did young man fancy

With so eternal and so fix'd a soul.

Hark, Greek: as much as I do Cressid love,

So much by weight hate I her Diomed.

That sleeve is mine that he'll bear on his helm;

Were it a casque compos'd by Vulcan's skill

My sword should bite it. Not the dreadful spout

Which shipmen do the hurricano call,

Constring'd in mass by the almighty sun,

Shall dizzy with more clamour Neptune's ear

In his descent than shall my prompted sword

Falling on Diomed.

Yes, Greek; and I'll show my passion

with actions as bloody as the heart of Mars

inflamed with Venus. No young man ever loved

with such constancy and fidelity.

Listen, Greek: the amount that I love Cressida,

that's the same amount I hate Diomedes.

He will wear my cuff on his helmet;

if that was a headpiece made by Vulcan

my sword would still cut into it. The dreadful waterspout

which sailors call a hurricane,

with its weight compressed by the almighty sun,

won't make more noise as it tears up the sea

than my sword will when it falls on Diomedes.

THERSITES.

He'll tickle it for his concupy.

He'lltickle it in revenge for his whore.

TROILUS.

O Cressid! O false Cressid! false, false, false!

Let all untruths stand by thy stained name,

And they'll seem glorious.

O Cressida! Oh false Cressida! False, false, false!

Let all lies stand next to your stained name,

it will make them seem wonderful.

ULYSSES.

O, contain yourself;

Your passion draws ears hither.

O, control yourself;

your passion is attracting attention.

Enter AENEAS

AENEAS.

I have been seeking you this hour, my lord.

Hector, by this, is arming him in Troy;

Ajax, your guard, stays to conduct you home.

I have been looking for you for an hour, my lord.

By this time Hector is arming himself in Troy.

Ajax, your guard, is waiting to escort you home.

TROILUS.

Have with you, Prince. My courteous lord, adieu.

Fairwell, revolted fair!-and, Diomed,

Stand fast and wear a castle on thy head.

I'm coming, Prince. My sweet lord, goodbye.

Farewell, faceless beauty! And, Diomedes,

get ready and wear a strong helmet.

ULYSSES.

I'll bring you to the gates.

I'll come with you to the gates.

TROILUS.

Accept distracted thanks.

I give you my thanks, though my mind is elsewhere.

Exeunt TROILUS, AENEAS. and ULYSSES

THERSITES.

Would I could meet that rogue Diomed! I would croak like

a raven; I would bode, I would bode. Patroclus will give me

anything for the intelligence of this whore; the parrot will not

do more for an almond than he for a commodious drab. Lechery,

lechery! Still wars and lechery! Nothing else holds fashion. A

burning devil take them!

Exit

I wish I could fight that rogue Diomedes! I would croak like

a raven, I would foretell disaster. Patroclus will give me

anything I want for information about this whore; he'll do as much