The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (368 page)

in the forest.

You would be better off asking me what time of day it is – there is no time by the hour

in the forest.

ROSALIND

Then there is no true lover in the forest; else

sighing every minute and groaning every hour would

detect the lazy foot of Time as well as a clock.

Then there is no true lover in the forest, or else

he would by sighing every minute and groaning every hour

mark the slow foot of Time like any clock.

ORLANDO

And why not the swift foot of Time? had not that

been as proper?

Why not the swift foot of Time? Isn’t that

more correct?

ROSALIND

By no means, sir: Time travels in divers paces with

divers persons. I'll tell you who Time ambles

withal, who Time trots withal, who Time gallops

withal and who he stands still withal.

Not at all, sir. Time travels differently with

different people. I can tell you whom Time walks

with, whom Time jogs with, whom it gallops

with, and whom he stands still with.

ORLANDO

I prithee, who doth he trot withal?

Tell me, whom does he jog with?

ROSALIND

Marry, he trots hard with a young maid between the

contract of her marriage and the day it is

solemnized: if the interim be but a se'nnight,

Time's pace is so hard that it seems the length of

seven year.

Well, he jogs with a young maid who is between

her engagement and the day of her

marriage. If the interim time is only a week,

Time still has such a pace that it always feels like

seven years.

ORLANDO

Who ambles Time withal?

And who does it walk with?

ROSALIND

With a priest that lacks Latin and a rich man that

hath not the gout, for the one sleeps easily because

he cannot study, and the other lives merrily because

he feels no pain, the one lacking the burden of lean

and wasteful learning, the other knowing no burden

of heavy tedious penury; these Time ambles withal.

With a priest who cannot read Latin, and a rich man who

does not have the gout: one sleeps easily because

he can’t study Scripture and the other lives happily because

he has no pain. The first lacks the burden of

learning too much, and the second doesn’t know the burden

of heavy and wearying poverty. With these men Time walks.

ORLANDO

Who doth he gallop withal?

Whom does he gallop with?

ROSALIND

With a thief to the gallows, for though he go as

softly as foot can fall, he thinks himself too soon there.

With the thief on his way to the gallows, because though he goes

as slowly as feet can fall, he always finds himself there too soon.

ORLANDO

Who stays it still withal?

And who does it stand still with?

ROSALIND

With lawyers in the vacation, for they sleep between

term and term and then they perceive not how Time moves.

With lawyers when they are on vacation, because they just sleep

on their holidays and thus don’t feel how Time moves.

ORLANDO

Where dwell you, pretty youth?

Where do you live, pretty young man?

ROSALIND

With this shepherdess, my sister; here in the

skirts of the forest, like fringe upon a petticoat.

With the shepherdess here, my sister, on the

edge of the forest, like the fringe on a skirt.

ORLANDO

Are you native of this place?

Are you a native here?

ROSALIND

As the cony that you see dwell where she is kindled.

As much as the rabbit who lives wherever she is born.

ORLANDO

Your accent is something finer than you could

purchase in so removed a dwelling.

Your accent sounds finer than you could

get in such a distant home.

ROSALIND

I have been told so of many: but indeed an old

religious uncle of mine taught me to speak, who was

in his youth an inland man; one that knew courtship

too well, for there he fell in love. I have heard

him read many lectures against it, and I thank God

I am not a woman, to be touched with so many

giddy offences as he hath generally taxed their

whole sex withal.

I have been told that by many before, but truly, an old

religious uncle of mine taught me to speak, and in

his youth he lived in the courts and knew courtship

well – he even fell in love there. I have heard

him read many lectures against love, and I thank God

I am not a woman, afflicted with

all the giddiness that God has cursed their

entire sex with.

ORLANDO

Can you remember any of the principal evils that he

laid to the charge of women?

Can you remember the primary evils that he

blamed women for?

ROSALIND

There were none principal; they were all like one

another as half-pence are, every one fault seeming

monstrous till his fellow fault came to match it.

None were primary. They were all alike,

like one half-pence coin is like another, and every fault seemed

monstrous until the next one came along and was just as bad.

ORLANDO

I prithee, recount some of them.

Please, tell me some of them.

ROSALIND

No, I will not cast away my physic but on those that

are sick. There is a man haunts the forest, that

abuses our young plants with carving 'Rosalind' on

their barks; hangs odes upon hawthorns and elegies

on brambles, all, forsooth, deifying the name of

Rosalind: if I could meet that fancy-monger I would

give him some good counsel, for he seems to have the

quotidian of love upon him.

No, I will not give away my medicine to anyone except those that

are sick. There is a man who haunts this forest,

abusing the young trees by carving “Rosalind” on

the bark, hanging poems on the hawthorns and songs

on the brambles, all, really, making holy the name of

Rosalind. If I could meet that dreamer I would

give him good counsel: he seems to be

lovesick.

ORLANDO

I am he that is so love-shaked: I pray you tell me

your remedy.

I am that man that is so torn by love. Please, tell me

the remedy.

ROSALIND

There is none of my uncle's marks upon you: he

taught me how to know a man in love; in which cage

of rushes I am sure you are not prisoner.

You don’t seem to have any of my uncle’s symptoms – he

taught me how to know that a man is in love. In that cage

I am sure you are not a prisoner.

ORLANDO

What were his marks?

What were his symptoms?

ROSALIND

A lean cheek, which you have not, a blue eye and

sunken, which you have not, an unquestionable

spirit, which you have not, a beard neglected,

which you have not; but I pardon you for that, for

simply your having in beard is a younger brother's

revenue: then your hose should be ungartered, your

bonnet unbanded, your sleeve unbuttoned, your shoe

untied and every thing about you demonstrating a

careless desolation; but you are no such man; you

are rather point-device in your accoutrements as

loving yourself than seeming the lover of any other.

A thin chek, which you don’t have, a sad eye,

sunken in from not sleeping, which you don’t have, a touchy,

quickly irritated mood, which you don’t have, a messy beard,

which you don’t have – but I will excuse that, since

your thin beard is telling of you being a younger man.

Your stockings should be loose, your

hat falling off, your sleeves unbuttoned, your shoes

untied, and everything about you showing

that you are carless in your dress from being so upset. You are not such a man,

you are very well put-together in your dress, as

if you love yourself more than you seem to love anyone else.

ORLANDO

Fair youth, I would I could make thee believe I love.

Young man, I wish I could make you believe that I am in love.

ROSALIND

Me believe it! you may as soon make her that you

love believe it; which, I warrant, she is apter to

do than to confess she does: that is one of the

points in the which women still give the lie to

their consciences. But, in good sooth, are you he

that hangs the verses on the trees, wherein Rosalind

is so admired?

Me believe it! You should be making sure that the woman you

love believes it – which I think she is more prone to

doing than she would admit. That is one of the

ways in which women trick their own

consciences. But really, are you the man

who is hanging poetry on trees, poetry that talks of Rosalind

so admiringly.

ORLANDO

I swear to thee, youth, by the white hand of

Rosalind, I am that he, that unfortunate he.

I swear to you, young man, by the pure white hand

of Rosalind, that I am that unfortunate, sad man.

ROSALIND

But are you so much in love as your rhymes speak?

But are you as in love as you say in your poems?

ORLANDO

Neither rhyme nor reason can express how much.

Neither rhyme nor reason can tell how much I lover her.

ROSALIND

Love is merely a madness, and, I tell you, deserves

as well a dark house and a whip as madmen do: and

the reason why they are not so punished and cured

is, that the lunacy is so ordinary that the whippers

are in love too. Yet I profess curing it by counsel.

Love is just madness and, truly, deserves

a dark house and a whip, just like insane people do.

The only reason lovers are not punished and then cured

like that is because such insanity of love is so ordinary that the punishers

are in love, too. Yet I think one needs to cure it by being counseled.

ORLANDO

Did you ever cure any so?

Did you ever cure anyone like that?

ROSALIND

Yes, one, and in this manner. He was to imagine me