The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (384 page)

ADRIANA This servitude makes you to keep unwed.

This servile attitude is keeping you unmarried.

LUCIANA Not this, but troubles of the marriage-bed.

No, it’s not that, it’s marriage-bed troubles.

ADRIANA But, were you wedded, you would bear some sway.

But, if you were married you would have some influence.

LUCIANA Ere I learn love, I'll practise to obey.

Before I learn to love, I’ll learn obedience.

ADRIANA How if your husband start some other where?

What if your husband goes astray?

LUCIANA Till he come home again, I would forbear.

I would bear it until he came home again.

ADRIANA Patience unmoved! no marvel though she pause;They can be meek that have no other cause.A wretched soul, bruised with adversity,We bid be quiet when we hear it cry;But were we burdened with like weight of pain,As much or more would we ourselves complain:So thou, that hast no unkind mate to grieve thee,With urging helpless patience wouldst relieve me,But, if thou live to see like right bereft,This fool-begg'd patience in thee will be left.

That’s patience! no wonder she’s waiting;People can be meek if there’s no reason not to.A wretched soul, bruised by hardship,We tell it to be quiet when we hear it cry;But if we were burdened by the same pain,We ourselves would complain as much or more:So you, with no cruel husband to pain you,Would try to relive me by urging me to have helpless patience,But, if you live to see your rights taken away,This foolish patience in you will be gone.

LUCIANA Well, I will marry one day, but to try.Here comes your man; now is your husband nigh.

Well, I will marry one day, just to try it.Here comes your servant; your husband should follow soon.

Enter DROMIO of Ephesus

ADRIANA Say, is your tardy master now at hand?

Hey, is your tardy master close at hand?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, he's at two hands with me, and that my two ears can witness.

No, he's at two hands with me, as my two ears can attest.

ADRIANA Say, didst thou speak with him? know'st thou his mind?

Well, did you speak to him? do you know his plan?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Ay, ay, he told his mind upon mine ear:Beshrew his hand, I scarce could understand it.

Yes, yes, he told his plan to my ear:But no thanks to his hand, I could barely understand it.

LUCIANA Spake he so doubtfully, thou couldst not feel his meaning?

Did he speak so vaguely, that you couldn’t perceive his meaning?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, he struck so plainly, I could too well feel his blows; and withal so doubtfully that I could scarce understand them.

No, he hit it so plainly, I could feel his blows all too well; and they were all so bad that I could barely stand under them.

ADRIANA But say, I prithee, is he coming home? It seems he hath great care to please his wife.

But please, tell me, is he coming home? It seems he’s done a great deal to please his wife.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Why, mistress, sure my master is horn-mad.

Mistress, my master is like a bull horn-mad.

ADRIANA Horn-mad, thou villain!

Horn-mad, you jerk!

DROMIO OF EPHESUS I mean not cuckold-mad;But, sure, he is stark mad.When I desired him to come home to dinner,He ask'd me for a thousand marks in gold:''Tis dinner-time,' quoth I; 'My gold!' quoth he;'Your meat doth burn,' quoth I; 'My gold!' quoth he:'Will you come home?' quoth I; 'My gold!' quoth he.'Where is the thousand marks I gave thee, villain?''The pig,' quoth I, 'is burn'd;' 'My gold!' quoth he:'My mistress, sir' quoth I; 'Hang up thy mistress!I know not thy mistress; out on thy  mistress!'

I don’t mean that he’s a cuckold;But he is very mad.When I desired him to come home to dinner,He asked me for a thousand marks in gold:''Tis dinner-time,' I said; 'My gold!' he said;'Your meat is burning,' I said; 'My gold!' he  said:'Will you come home?' I said; 'My gold!' he  said.'Where is the thousand marks I gave you,  idiot?''The pig,' I said, 'is burnt;' 'My gold!' he said:'My mistress, sir' I said; 'Damn your mistress!I don’t know your mistress; who cares about your mistress!'

LUCIANA Quoth who?

LUCIANA Who said that?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Quoth my master:'I know,' quoth he, 'no house, no wife, no mistress.'So that my errand, due unto my tongue,I thank him, I bare home upon my shoulders;For, in conclusion, he did beat me there.

My master said that:'I know,' he said, 'no house, no wife, no  mistress.'So that my errand, delivered by my tongue,Thanks to him, I bring home upon my shoulders;For, at the end of it, that’s where he beat me.

ADRIANA Go back again, thou slave, and fetch him home.

Go back again, you slave, and fetch him home.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Go back again, and be new beaten home?For God's sake, send some other messenger.

Go back again, and be beaten home again?For God's sake, send some other messenger.

ADRIANA Back, slave, or I will break thy pate across.

Back, slave, or I will hit you across your face.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS And he will bless that cross with other beating:Between you I shall have a holy head.

And he will bless that cross with another beating:Between the two of you I shall have a holy head.

ADRIANA Hence, prating peasant! fetch thy master home.

Get out, babbling peasant! get your master home.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Am I so round with you as you with me,That like a football you do spurn me thus?You spurn me hence, and he will spurn me hither:If I last in this service, you must case me in leather.

Am I so round with you as you are with me,That you’ll just kick me out like a football?You kick me here, and he will kick me  there:If I survive this service, you must cover me in leather.

Exit

LUCIANA Fie, how impatience loureth in your face!

For shame, your face is covered in impatience!

ADRIANA His company must do his minions grace,Whilst I at home starve for a merry look.Hath homely age the alluring beauty tookFrom my poor cheek? then he hath wasted it:Are my discourses dull? barren my wit?If voluble and sharp discourse be marr'd,Unkindness blunts it more than marble hard:Do their gay vestments his affections bait?That's not my fault: he's master of my state:What ruins are in me that can be found,By him not ruin'd? then is he the groundOf my defeatures. My decayed fairA sunny look of his would soon repairBut, too unruly deer, he breaks the paleAnd feeds from home; poor I am but his stale.

He graces his minions with his presence,While I’m at home starving for a cheerful look.Has homely age taken all alluring beautyFrom my poor face? it was wasted on him:Am I boring to talk to? lost my charm?If my sharp and witty conversation has dulled,His unkindness blunted like hard marble:Do their lively clothes win his affections?That's not my fault: he's master of my clothes:What can you find about me that is ruined,That was not ruined by him? he is the reasonFor my defects. But my fallen beautyWould be repaired by one sunny look from himBut, like an unruly deer he breaks the pailAnd feeds away from home; I’m only his tool.

LUCIANA Self-harming jealousy! fie, beat it hence!

Self-harming jealousy! Quit talking like that!

ADRIANA Unfeeling fools can with such wrongs dispense.I know his eye doth homage otherwhere,Or else what lets it but he would be here?Sister, you know he promised me a chain;Would that alone, alone he would detain,So he would keep fair quarter with his bed!I see the jewel best enamelledWill lose his beauty; yet the gold bides still,That others touch, and often touching willWear gold: and no man that hath a name,By falsehood and corruption doth it shame.Since that my beauty cannot please his eye,I'll weep what's left away, and weeping die.

Unfeeling fools can ignore such wrongs.I know his eye is wandering to someone else,Or why wouldn’t he be here?Sister, you know he promised me a chain;But I would do without it, if only he wouldRemain faithful to his wife!Even the most beautiful jewelWill lose its beauty; yet gold lasts forever,Though if it is touched too often it willWear it down: and no man that has a name,Would dare shame it with lies and corruption.Since my beauty can no longer please his eye,I'll weep what's left of it away, and die weeping.

LUCIANA How many fond fools serve mad jealousy!

How many fools in love entertain such insane jealousy!

Exeunt

Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Syracuse

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE The gold I gave to Dromio is laid upSafe at the Centaur; and the heedful slaveIs wander'd forth, in care to seek me outBy computation and mine host's report.I could not speak with Dromio since at firstI sent him from the mart. See, here he comes.

The gold I gave to Dromio is being heldSafe at the Centaur; and the heedful slaveHas wandered out, in search of meFrom what I gather and from the host’s report.I haven’t spoken with Dromio since I firstSent him from the mart. See, here he comes.

Enter DROMIO of Syracuse

How now sir! is your merry humour alter'd?As you love strokes, so jest with me again.You know no Centaur? you received no gold?Your mistress sent to have me home to dinner?My house was at the Phoenix? Wast thou mad,That thus so madly thou didst answer me?

Now sir! has your merry mood changed yet?Since you love beatings, tell me more jokes.You know no Centaur? you received no gold?Your mistress sent you to bring me for dinner?My house was at the Phoenix? Were you insane,That you would answer me with such nonsense?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE What answer, sir? when spake I such a word?

What answer, sir? when did I say that?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEEven now, even here, not half an hour since.

Just now, right here, not half an hour ago.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I did not see you since you sent me hence,Home to the Centaur, with the gold you gave me.

I haven’t seen you since you sent me away,To go to the Centaur, with the gold you gave me.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Villain, thou didst deny the gold's receipt,And told'st me of a mistress and a dinner;For which, I hope, thou felt'st I was displeased.

Idiot, you denied that I gave you any gold,And told me about a mistress and a dinner;For which, I hope, you could tell I was upset.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I am glad to see you in this merry vein:What means this jest? I pray you, master, tell me.

I am glad to see you in this funny mood:What does this joke mean? Please, tell me.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEYea, dost thou jeer and flout me in the teeth?Think'st thou I jest? Hold, take thou that, and that.

You dare to laugh and mock me to my face?You think I’m joking? Here, you, take that, and  that.

Beating him

Beating him

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Hold, sir, for God's sake! now your jest is earnest: Upon what bargain do you give it me?

Hold on, sir, for God's sake! now your joke is serious: What is making you behave this way?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEBecause that I familiarly sometimesDo use you for my fool and chat with you,Your sauciness will jest upon my loveAnd make a common of my serious hours.When the sun shines let foolish gnats make sport,But creep in crannies when he hides his beams.If you will jest with me, know my aspect,And fashion your demeanor to my looks,Or I will beat this method in your sconce.

Because at times I act familiar with youAnd laugh and joke and chat with you,You presume to take advantage of my loveAnd goof around when I’m being serious.When the sun shines foolish gnats can come out to play,But they crawl back when he hides his beams.If you’re in a joking mood, make sure I am too,And behave in a way that suits what I’m feeling,Or I will beat this method into your sconce.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Sconce call you it? so you would leave battering, I had rather have it a head: an you use these blows long, I must get a sconce for my head and ensconce it too; or else I shall seek my wit in my shoulders. But, I pray, sir why am I beaten?

Sconce you call it? if it will make you stop battering me, I’d call it my head: and if you keep it up, I’ll need a sconce to ensconce my head;  or else my wits will be all over my shoulders. But, tell me, sir, why am I beaten?