The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (536 page)

Oh! She abused me more than even a block of wood could endure: an oak with only one green leaf on it would have answered her: my very mask began to come to life and scold her. She told me, not thinking that I had been myself, that I was the prince’s jester, that I was more boring than watching ice melt; adding joke upon joke with such an impossible attack of me, that I stood like a man at a target, with a whole army shooting at me. She speaks with spears, and every word stabs: if her breath was as terrible as her words, nothing could live near her; she would infect everything from here to the North Star. I would not marry her, even if she possessed every possible other good quality. She would have made Hercules commit suicide. Come, do not talk about her; you shall find her a well-dressed demon. I pray to God some scholar will write about her, for certainly, while she is here, a man may live as quietly in hell as in a sanctuary; and people sin on purpose to go there; so indeed, all chaos, horror, and distress follow her.

[Re-enter CLAUDIO, BEATRICE, HERO, and LEONATO.]

DON PEDRO

Look! here she comes.

BENEDICK

Will your Grace command me any service to the world's end? I will go on the slightest errand now to the Antipodes that you can devise to send me on; I will fetch you a toothpicker now from the furthest inch of Asia; bring you the length of Prester John's foot; fetch you a hair off the Great Cham's beard; do you any embassage to the Pygmies, rather than hold three words' conference with this harpy. You have no employment for me?  

Will your Grace command me to do any task for you far away? I will go on the slightest errand now to the Antipodes that you can come up with to send me on; I will fetch you a toothpick from the furthest corner of Asia; bring you the length of Prester John’s foot; fetch you a hair off the Great Cham’s beard; be an ambassador to the Pygmies, rather than exchange three words with this harpy [a mythological monster with a woman’s head and a bird’s body]. Do you have anything for me to do?

DON PEDRO

None, but to desire your good company.  

Nothing, except to want your company.

BENEDICK

O God, sir, here's a dish I love not: I cannot endure my Lady Tongue.  

Oh God, sir, here’s a dish I hate: I cannot endure my Lady Tongue.

[Exit.]

DON PEDRO

Come, lady, come; you have lost the heart of Signior Benedick.

BEATRICE

Indeed, my lord, he lent it me awhile; and I gave him use for it, a double heart for a single one: marry, once before he won it of me with false dice, therefore your Grace may well say I have lost it.  

Indeed, my lord, he lent it to me awhile; and I exchanged something for it, a double heart for a single one: by the Virgin Mary, once before he won it from me through a trick, therefore your Grace may well say I have lost it.

DON PEDRO

You have put him down, lady, you have put him down.

BEATRICE. So I would not he should do me, my lord, lest I should prove the mother of fools. I have brought Count Claudio, whom you sent me to seek.

So I would rather he not do that to me, my lord, otherwise I might turn out to be the mother of fools. I have brought Count Claudio, whom you sent me to look for.

DON PEDRO

Why, how now, count! wherefore are you sad?  

Why, what’s going on, Count? Why are you sad?

CLAUDIO

Not sad, my lord.

DON PEDRO

How then? Sick?

CLAUDIO

Neither, my lord.

BEATRICE

The count is neither sad, nor sick, nor merry, nor well; but civil count, civil as an orange, and something of that jealous complexion.  

The count is neither sad, nor sick, nor cheerful, nor well; but a polite count, polite as an orange, and similar to that jealous skin color.

DON PEDRO

I' faith, lady, I think your blazon to be true; though, I'll be sworn, if he be so, his conceit is false. Here, Claudio, I have wooed in thy name, and fair Hero is won; I have broke with her father, and, his good will obtained; name the day of marriage, and God give thee joy!  

By my faith, lady, I think you are right; though, I swear, if he is that way, he’s acting under a delusion. Here, Claudio, I have wooed on your behalf, and beautiful Hero is won; I have asked permission from her father, and have gained it; name the day of marriage, and God give you joy!

LEONATO

Count, take of me my daughter, and with her my fortunes: his Grace hath made the match, and all grace say Amen to it!  

Count, take my daughter, and with her my fortunes: his Grace has made the match, and all grace agrees with it!

BEATRICE

Speak, Count, 'tis your cue.  

Speak, Count, it is your cue.

CLAUDIO

Silence is the perfectest herald of joy: I were but little happy, if I could say how much. Lady, as you are mine, I am yours: I give away myself for you and dote upon the exchange.  

Silence is the most perfect herald of joy: I would be only a little happy if I were capable of saying how much. Lady, as you are mine, I am yours: I give myself away for you and deeply love the exchange.

BEATRICE

Speak, cousin; or, if you cannot, stop his mouth with a kiss, and let not him speak neither.  

Speak, cousin; or, if you cannot, shut him up with a kiss, and keep him from speaking too.

DON PEDRO

In faith, lady, you have a merry heart.

By my faith, lady, you have a cheery heart.

BEATRICE

Yea, my lord; I thank it, poor fool, it keeps on the windy side of care. My cousin tells him in his ear that he is in her heart.  

Yes, my lord; I think it, poor fool, it protects me from worries. My cousin tells him in his ear that he is in her heart.

CLAUDIO

And so she doth, cousin.  

And so she does, cousin.

BEATRICE

Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes every one to the world but I, and I am

sunburnt. I may sit in a corner and cry heigh-ho for a husband!  

Good Lord, for marriage! In this way everyone in the world goes but I, and I am sunburned. I may sit in a corner and wail for a husband!

DON PEDRO

Lady Beatrice, I will get you one.

BEATRICE

I would rather have one of your father's getting. Hath your Grace ne'er a brother like you? Your father got excellent husbands, if a maid could come by them.  

I would rather have one your father got. Does your Grace have a brother like you? Your father got excellent husbands, if a young woman could come across them.

DON PEDRO

Will you have me, lady?

BEATRICE

No, my lord, unless I might have another for working days: your Grace is too costly to wear every day. But, I beseech your Grace, pardon me; I was born to speak all mirth and no matter.  

No, my lord, unless I might have another for weekdays: your Grace is too costly to wear every day. But, I beg your Grace, please pardon me; I would born to speak nothing but silliness.

DON PEDRO

Your silence most offends me, and to be merry best becomes you; for out of question, you were born in a merry hour.

Your silence most offends me, and to be cheerful shows you at your best; for out of the question, you were born in a merry hour.

BEATRICE

No, sure, my lord, my mother cried; but then there was a star danced, and under that was I born. Cousins, God give you

My mother cried; but then a star danced, and other that I was born. Cousins, God give you joy!

LEONATO

Niece, will you look to those things I told you of?  

Niece, will you go take care of those things I mentioned?

BEATRICE

I cry you mercy, uncle. By your Grace's pardon.  

Forgive me, uncle. Pardon me, your Grace.

[Exit.]

DON PEDRO

By my troth, a pleasant spirited lady.  

Truthfully, a pleasant spirited lady.

LEONATO

There's little of the melancholy element in her, my lord: she is never sad but when she sleeps; and not ever sad then, for I have heard my daughter say, she hath often dreamed of unhappiness and waked herself with laughing.  

There is very little gloominess in her, my lord: she is never sad except when she sleeps; and not always sad then, for I have heard my daughter say she has often dreamed of unhappiness and waked herself with laughter.

DON PEDRO

She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband.  

She cannot stand to have a husband suggested to her.

LEONATO

O! by no means: she mocks all her wooers out of suit.  

Oh, by no means: she drives all her wooers away with mocking.

DON PEDRO

She were an excellent wife for Benedick.  

She would be an excellent wife for Benedick.

LEONATO

O Lord! my lord, if they were but a week married, they would talk themselves mad.  

Oh Lord! My lord, after only a week of marriage they would talk themselves crazy.

DON PEDRO

Count Claudio, when mean you to go to church?  

Count Claudio, when do you mean to have the wedding?

CLAUDIO

To-morrow, my lord. Time goes on crutches till love have all his rites.  

Tomorrow, my lord. Time crawls until love has what it wants.

LEONATO

Not till Monday, my dear son, which is hence a just seven-night; and a time

too brief too, to have all things answer my mind.  

Not till Monday, my dear son, which is only a week from now; and too brief a time, actually, to get everything done.

DON PEDRO

Come, you shake the head at so long a breathing; but, I warrant thee, Claudio, the time shall not go dully by us. I will in the interim undertake one of Hercules' labours, which is, to bring Signior Benedick and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of affection the one with the other. I would fain have it a match; and I doubt not but to fashion it, if you three will but minister such assistance as I shall give you direction.  

Come, you shake your head at such a long wait; but, I promise you, Claudio, the time will not go dully by us. I will in the meantime take up a task worthy of Hercules, which is to bring Sir Benedick and the Lady Beatrice to fall in love with each other. I would like for it to be a match; and I do not doubt that it can be done, if you three will only give me the help doing as I tell you.
 

LEONATO

My lord, I am for you, though it cost me ten nights' watchings.  

My lord, I am for your cause, even if it costs me ten nights’ sleep.

CLAUDIO

And I, my lord.

DON PEDRO

And you too, gentle Hero?

HERO

I will do any modest office, my lord, to help my cousin to a good husband.

I will do any humble work, my lord, to help my cousin get a good husband.

DON PEDRO

And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband that I know. Thus far can I praise him; he is of a noble strain, of approved valour, and confirmed honesty. I will teach you how to humour your cousin, that she shall fall in love with Benedick; and I, with your two helps, will so practise on Benedick that, in despite of his quick wit and his queasy stomach, he shall fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do this, Cupid is no longer an archer: his glory shall be ours, for we are the only love-gods. Go in with me, and I will tell you my drift.  

And Benedick is one of the better possible husbands I know. I can praise him in these things: he is a nobleman, known to be brave, and is confirmed as honest. I will teach you how to behave towards your cousin, that she shall fall in love with Benedick; and I, with you two helping, will act on Benedick so that, despite his reluctance to marry and his sarcastic nature, he shall fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do this, Cupid is no longer an archer: his glory shall be ours, for we will be the only love-gods. Go in with me, and I will tell you my plan.

[Exeunt.]