The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (637 page)

is hungry, to challenge him to battle, and then to

break promise with him and make a fool of him.

break your promise with him and make a fool out of him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Do't, knight: I'll write thee a challenge: or I'll

Do it, knight: I'll write you a challange, or I'll

deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.

let him know about the challenge by word of mouth.

MARIA

Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight: since the



Good Sir Toby, be patient about tonight; since the

youth of the count's was today with thy lady, she is

servant of the count's was with your lady today, she is

much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me

in a bad mood. As for Mister Malvolio, leave me

alone with him: if I do not gull him into a

alone with him: if I do not trick him

nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not

and make him the victim of a prank, do not think

think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed:

I am clever enough to lie straight in my bed:

I know I can do it.

I know I can do it.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.

Explain to us, explain to us: tell us things about him.

MARIA

Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.

By Mary, sir, sometimes he is a bit of a puritan.

SIR ANDREW

O, if I thought that I'ld beat him like a dog!

Oh, if I thought that I'd beat him like a dog!

SIR TOBY BELCH

What, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason,

What, for being a puritan? What is your excellent reason,

dear knight?

my dear knight?

SIR ANDREW

I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason

I have no excellent reason for it, but I have a reason

good enough.

good enough.

MARIA

The devil a puritan that he is, or any thing



constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass,



that cons state without book and utters it by great



swarths: the best persuaded of himself, so



crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is



his grounds of faith that all that look on him love



him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find



notable cause to work.

He is uptight, a showoff, and things way too highly of himself,

and it is through that fault of his I will be able to take

revenge on him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

What wilt thou do?

What will you do?

MARIA

I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of



love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape



of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure



of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find



himself most feelingly personated. I can write very



like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we



can hardly make distinction of our hands.

I will let him come upon some secret supposed love letters,

which by complimenting the color of his beard, the shape

of his leg, the way of his walking, the expression of his face,

he will find himself very emotionally described. I can write

very like my lady your niece: in fact we have gotten our

handwriting confused before.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Excellent! I smell a device.

Excellent! I smell a great prank.

SIR ANDREW

I have't in my nose too.

I have it in my nose too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop,

He shall think, by the letters that you will drop,

that they come from my niece, and that she's in

that they were written by my niece, and that she's in

love with him.

love with him.

MARIA

My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.

That is basically it, yes.

SIR ANDREW

O, 'twill be admirable!

Oh, that will be amazing!

MARIA

Sport royal, I warrant you: I know my physic will

Much fun, I promise you: I know my strategy will

work with him. I will plant you two, and let the

worth with him. I will position you two, and let the

fool make a third, where he shall find the letter:



observe his construction of it. For this night, to

watch what he makes of it. But for tonight, go

bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.

to bed, and dream about the event. Farewell.

Exit

SIR TOBY BELCH

Good night, Penthesilea.

SIR ANDREW

Before me, she's a good wench.

She's a good woman.

SIR TOBY BELCH

She's a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me:


what o' that?

She's a good woman who adores me, what of it?

SIR ANDREW

I was adored once too.

I once had someone in love with me too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Let's to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for

Let's go to bed, knight. You will need to ask for

more money.

more money.

SIR ANDREW

If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.

If I can't get your niece to marry me, I will be in bad shape.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Send for money, knight: if thou hast her not i'

Send for money, knight:

the end, call me cut.

I'm sure you'll get her.

SIR ANDREW

If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.

If I don't, never trust me, whatever you make of that.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come, come, I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late

Come, come, I'll go have some more to drink, it is too late

to go to bed now: come, knight; come, knight.

to go to bed now: come now, knight, come now, knight.

Exeunt

Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and others

DUKE ORSINO

Give me some music. Now, good morrow, friends.

Give me some music. Now, good day, friends.

Now, good Cesario, but that piece of song,

Now, my dear Cesario, about that bit of song,

That old and antique song we heard last night:

That old traditional song we heard last night:

Methought it did relieve my passion much,

I thought it made me feel a lot better,

More than light airs and recollected terms

More than the lighter tunes

Of these most brisk and giddy-paced times:

Of these fast-paced modern times:

Come, but one verse.

Now, just one verse.

CURIO

He is not here, so please your lordship that should sing it.

He is not here, the man your lordship wanted to sing it.

DUKE ORSINO

Who was it?

CURIO

Feste, the jester, my lord; a fool that the lady

Feste, the jester, my lord; a clown that my lady

Olivia's father took much delight in. He is about the house.

Olivia's father much enjoyed. He is around the house.

DUKE ORSINO

Seek him out, and play the tune the while.

Go look for him, and play the tune while we wait.

Exit CURIO. Music plays

Come hither, boy: if ever thou shalt love,

Come here, boy: if you ever shall love,

In the sweet pangs of it remember me;

In the sweet waves of pain of it remember me;

For such as I am all true lovers are,

For I am the way that all true lovers are,

Unstaid and skittish in all motions else,

Unsteady and wavering in all other motions,

Save in the constant image of the creature

Except in the constant view of the person

That is beloved. How dost thou like this tune?

That is beloved. How do you like this tune?

VIOLA

It gives a very echo to the seat

It gives a perfect echo to the seat



Where Love is throned.

Where Love sits on a throne.

DUKE ORSINO

Thou dost speak masterly:

You speak wisely:

My life upon't, young though thou art, thine eye

By my life, even though you are young, your eye

Hath stay'd upon some favour that it loves:

Has been upon something that it loves:

Hath it not, boy?

Hasn't it, boy?

VIOLA

A little, by your favour.

A little, if you would indulge me.

DUKE ORSINO

What kind of woman is't?

What kind of woman is she?

VIOLA

Of your complexion.

Similar in appearance to you.

DUKE ORSINO

She is not worth thee, then. What years, i' faith?

She is not worth you, then. How old, by my faith?

VIOLA

About your years, my lord.

About as old as you are, my lord.

DUKE ORSINO

Too old by heaven: let still the woman take


An elder than herself: so wears she to him,

Someone older that herself: that is how she wears to him,

So sways she level in her husband's heart:

So that she stays steady in her husband's heart:

For, boy, however we do praise ourselves,

For, boy, no matter how much we praise ourselves,

Our fancies are more giddy and unfirm,

Our feelings are more dizzy and unsteady,

More longing, wavering, sooner lost and worn,

More intense, more changing, more quickly over

Than women's are.