The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (865 page)

ROSENCRANTZ

I wasn’t thinking anything like that.

My lord, there was no such stuff in my thoughts.

HAMLET

Why did you laugh then, when I said “I do not have any in interest in things of men?”

Why did you laugh then, when I said 'man delights not me'?

ROSENCRANTZ

I was just thinking, if you don’t like the things that make men happy, you’re going to be pretty bored by the actors we passed on the way here. They are coming to entertain you.

To think, my lord, if you delight not in man, what
lenten entertainment the players shall receive from
you: we coted them on the way; and hither are they
coming, to offer you service.

HAMLET

I’ll welcome the actor who plays the king and watch the knight as he waves around his weapons. I will show the lover gratitude and laugh at the clown, and I’ll listen to the lady character babble on. Which actors are coming?

He that plays the king shall be welcome; his majesty
shall have tribute of me; the adventurous knight
shall use his foil and target; the lover shall not
sigh gratis; the humourous man shall end his part
in peace; the clown shall make those laugh whose
lungs are tickled o' the sere; and the lady shall
say her mind freely, or the blank verse shall halt
for't. What players are they?

ROSENCRANTZ

The tragic group from the city.

Even those you were wont to take delight in, the
tragedians of the city.

HAMLET

What are they doing on the road? They were very popular and profitable.

How chances it they travel? their residence, both
in reputation and profit, was better both ways.

ROSENCRANTZ

Things change and now they travel.

I think their inhibition comes by the means of the
late innovation.

HAMLET

Are they still popular as they used to be? Do they still pull a crowd?

Do they hold the same estimation they did when I was
in the city? are they so followed?

ROSENCRANTZ

No, not anymore.

No, indeed, are they not.

HAMLET

Why? Are they getting old?

How comes it? do they grow rusty?

ROSENCRANTZ

No, they are the same, but there is a group of children who yell out their lines the crowd loves. They are all the rage. The rich theater-goers don’t come out for fear they will be teased by the writers.

Nay, their endeavour keeps in the wonted pace: but
there is, sir, an aery of children, little eyases,
that cry out on the top of question, and are most
tyrannically clapped for't: these are now the
fashion, and so berattle the common stages--so they
call them--that many wearing rapiers are afraid of
goose-quills and dare scarce come thither.

HAMLET

Children actors? Who takes care of them? How do they get around? Will they stay actors when they grow up? Won’t they be used up by the time they are adults? Or do they have money?

What, are they children? who maintains 'em? how are
they escoted? Will they pursue the quality no
longer than they can sing? will they not say
afterwards, if they should grow themselves to common
players--as it is most like, if their means are no
better--their writers do them wrong, to make them
exclaim against their own succession?

ROSENCRANTZ

True, there has been a lot of controversy over the subject. For awhile, no plays were being held without a big fight over who was going to act.

'Faith, there has been much to do on both sides; and
the nation holds it no sin to tarre them to
controversy: there was, for a while, no money bid
for argument, unless the poet and the player went to
cuffs in the question.

HAMLET

Really?

Is't possible?

GUILDENSTERN

Oh, there has been much arguing about it.

O, there has been much throwing about of brains.

HAMLET

Can the boys carry it off?

Do the boys carry it away?

ROSENCRANTZ

Yes, they do. And they handle an adult load, too.

Ay, that they do, my lord; Hercules and his load too.

HAMLET

I guess it is not very strange. For example, my uncle, the king of Denmark, was made fun of when my father lived. Now, those same people who made fun of him are paying for a little picture of him. It certainly is something to think about.

It is not very strange; for mine uncle is king of
Denmark, and those that would make mows at him while
my father lived, give twenty, forty, fifty, an
hundred ducats a-piece for his picture in little.
'Sblood, there is something in this more than
natural, if philosophy could find it out.

Flourish of trumpets within

GUILDENSTERN

Here come the actors.

There are the players.

HAMLET

Gentlemen, welcome to Elsinore. Shake my hand and let me keep up with fashion and customs. You are welcome. But, let me deceive my uncle-father and aunt-mother.

Gentlemen, you are welcome to Elsinore. Your hands,
come then: the appurtenance of welcome is fashion
and ceremony: let me comply with you in this garb,
lest my extent to the players, which, I tell you,
must show fairly outward, should more appear like
entertainment than yours. You are welcome: but my
uncle-father and aunt-mother are deceived.

GUILDENSTERN

In what, my dear lord?

In what, my dear lord?

HAMLET

I am completely crazy, sometimes. But, other times I am straight as an arrow.

I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is
southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.

Enter POLONIUS

LORD POLONIUS

Gentlemen, I hope you are well!

Well be with you, gentlemen!

HAMLET

Hey, listen Guilderstern and Rosencrantz. There’s a great big baby who is still in diapers.

Hark you, Guildenstern; and you too: at each ear a
hearer: that great baby you see there is not yet
out of his swaddling-clouts.

ROSENCRANTZ

He must be in his second childhood; once a man, twice a child, they say.

Happily he's the second time come to them; for they
say an old man is twice a child.

HAMLET

I believe he is coming to tell me about the actors. Watch. Oh, yes, you were right about Monday.

I will prophesy he comes to tell me of the players;
mark it. You say right, sir: o' Monday morning;
'twas so indeed.

LORD POLONIUS

My lord, I have news for you.

My lord, I have news to tell you.

HAMLET

My lord, I have news for you. When Roscius was an actor in Rome…

My lord, I have news to tell you.
When Roscius was an actor in Rome,--

LORD POLONIUS

The actors are here, my lord.

The actors are come hither, my lord.

HAMLET

Whatever!

Buz, buz!

LORD POLONIUS

My word…

Upon mine honour,--

HAMLET

Each one coming in on his ass…

Then came each actor on his ass,--

LORD POLONIUS

These are the best actors in the world. They can perform anything from Seneca to Plautus. There is nothing too difficult for these actors.

The best actors in the world, either for tragedy,
comedy, history, pastoral, pastoral-comical,
historical-pastoral, tragical-historical, tragical-
comical-historical-pastoral, scene individable, or
poem unlimited: Seneca cannot be too heavy, nor
Plautus too light. For the law of writ and the
liberty, these are the only men.

HAMLET

Oh, Jephthah, judge of Israel, what a treasure you have!

O Jephthah, judge of Israel, what a treasure hadst thou!

LORD POLONIUS

What treasure are you talking about?

What a treasure had he, my lord?

HAMLET

Well, “One fair daughter, and no more; that he loved so well.”

Why,
'One fair daughter and no more,
The which he loved passing well.'

LORD POLONIUS

[Aside]

Still hung up on my daughter.

Still on my daughter.

HAMLET

Am I not telling it right, old Jephthah?

Am I not i' the right, old Jephthah?

LORD POLONIUS

I do have a daughter like Japhthath, my lord, and I love her very much.
If you call me Jephthah, my lord, I have a daughter
that I love passing well.

HAMLET

No, that can’t be right?

Nay, that follows not.

LORD POLONIUS

What is right, then?

What follows, then, my lord?

HAMLET

Why, only God knows what is right. Listen to the words. Wait, here comes the actors.

Why,
'As by lot, God wot,'
and then, you know,
'It came to pass, as most like it was,'--
the first row of the pious chanson will show you
more; for look, where my abridgement comes.

Enter four or five Players

You are welcome friends. I am glad to see you doing so well. Oh, I know you. You’ve grown a beard, since I saw you last. Have you come to put a beard on me, too? And, my young lady, you’ve grown, since I saw you. I hope your voice hasn’t changed. Actors, you are welcome. Give us a speech, a passionate one to peak our interests.

You are welcome, masters; welcome, all. I am glad
to see thee well. Welcome, good friends. O, my old
friend! thy face is valenced since I saw thee last:
comest thou to beard me in Denmark? What, my young
lady and mistress! By'r lady, your ladyship is
nearer to heaven than when I saw you last, by the
altitude of a chopine. Pray God, your voice, like
apiece of uncurrent gold, be not cracked within the
ring. Masters, you are all welcome. We'll e'en
to't like French falconers, fly at any thing we see:
we'll have a speech straight: come, give us a taste
of your quality; come, a passionate speech.

First Player

What kind of speech, my lord?

What speech, my lord?

HAMLET

I heard you once make a speech, but you never acted it out. Or if it was, it wasn’t very popular. It was like caviar to the poor. But, the critics and I thought it was excellent. I remember one said it was not fancy but clever. Another said it was truly honest. One speech I loved was from Aeneas to Dido, talking about the death of Priam. If you remember it, start with “The rugged Pyrrhus, like the Hyrcanian beast.” No, that’s not right. It started with “The rugged Pyrrhus, with black arms and purpose, resembling the night on his horse, is now covered in red blood of fathers, mothers, daughters, and sons. The blood is baked with the burning streets from fires he lit that illuminate the murders he committed. Drenched in gore, he goes in search of old Priam.” Start from there.