The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (868 page)

Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play thefool no where but in's own house. Farewell.

OPHELIA

O, help him, Lord!

O, help him, you sweet heavens!

HAMLET

If you do marry, I’ll give you this curse as a gift,--Be as cold as ice, pure as snow, but you will not escape trouble. Now, go to a convent. Goodbye. Or, if you need to marry, marry a fool. Smart men know what women will do. Go to a convent, and go quickly. Goodbye.

If thou dost marry, I'll give thee this plague forthy dowry: be thou as chaste as ice, as pure assnow, thou shalt not escape calumny. Get thee to anunnery, go: farewell. Or, if thou wilt needsmarry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enoughwhat monsters you make of them. To a nunnery, go,and quickly too. Farewell.

OPHELIA

Oh God, help him!

O heavenly powers, restore him!

HAMLET

I have heard of how you put on makeup and dance and walk about talking like high society. I have heard of your loose ways. It’s driven me crazy. Go on. I declare there will be no more marriages: those that already are married may stay that way, but there will be no more. Take yourself to a convent.

I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; Godhas given you one face, and you make yourselvesanother: you jig, you amble, and you lisp, andnick-name God's creatures, and make your wantonnessyour ignorance. Go to, I'll no more on't; it hathmade me mad. I say, we will have no more marriages:those that are married already, all but one, shalllive; the rest shall keep as they are. To anunnery, go.

Exit

OPHELIA

Oh, what a wonderful mind has been lost! He was such a gentleman, a scholar, and soldier. He used to be the pride of the state with his perfect charm and sense of taste. Everyone loved him, wanted to be like him! Now he is so low! And I, of all the ladies who loved to hear his voice, have seen him at his worst. His youthfulness has been killed by madness. Oh, how terrible to see what I have seen, to see what I see, now.

O, what a noble mind is here o'erthrown!The courtier's, soldier's, scholar's, eye, tongue, sword;The expectancy and rose of the fair state,The glass of fashion and the mould of form,The observed of all observers, quite, quite down!And I, of ladies most deject and wretched,That suck'd the honey of his music vows,Now see that noble and most sovereign reason,Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune and harsh;That unmatch'd form and feature of blown youthBlasted with ecstasy: O, woe is me,To have seen what I have seen, see what I see!

Re-enter KING CLAUDIUS and POLONIUS

KING CLAUDIUS

Oh, what a wonderful mind has been lost! He was such a gentleman, a scholar, and soldier. He used to be the pride of the state with his perfect charm and sense of taste. Everyone loved him, wanted to be like him! Now he is so low! And I, of all the ladies who loved to hear his voice, have seen him at his worst. His youthfulness has been killed by madness. Oh, how terrible to see what I have seen, to see what I see, now.

Love! his affections do not that way tend;Nor what he spake, though it lack'd form a little,Was not like madness. There's something in his soul,O'er which his melancholy sits on brood;And I do doubt the hatch and the discloseWill be some danger: which for to prevent,I have in quick determinationThus set it down: he shall with speed to England,For the demand of our neglected tributeHaply the seas and countries differentWith variable objects shall expelThis something-settled matter in his heart,Whereon his brains still beating puts him thusFrom fashion of himself. What think you on't?

LORD POLONIUS

It may work, but I still believe his behavior was caused by his unreturned love for Ophelia. Hello, Ophelia. We heard what Hamlet said. My lord, do whatever pleases you, but if you don’t mind, let his mother talk with him alone tonight after the play to see if she can find out what is bothering him. I’ll listen to what they say. If she can’t get it out of him, then send him to England or wherever you think is best.

It shall do well: but yet do I believeThe origin and commencement of his griefSprung from neglected love. How now, Ophelia!You need not tell us what Lord Hamlet said;We heard it all. My lord, do as you please;But, if you hold it fit, after the playLet his queen mother all alone entreat himTo show his grief: let her be round with him;And I'll be placed, so please you, in the earOf all their conference. If she find him not,To England send him, or confine him whereYour wisdom best shall think.

KING CLAUDIUS

Okay. We must be watchful of insanity among great men.
It shall be so:Madness in great ones must not unwatch'd go.

Exeunt

A hall in the castle

Enter HAMLET and Players

HAMLET

Please say the speech like I told you, smoothly and flowingly. If you start saying it like the other players do, I might as well have the town crier do it. Don’t use your hands too much, either. You must not get too emotional, because nothing bothers me more than to hear a fellow in a wig ruin a passionate story with loud, showy actions to please to the crowd. I would rather whip a man for performing like the old plays where King Herod went on and on. Please avoid doing that.

Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it toyou, trippingly on the tongue: but if you mouth it,as many of your players do, I had as lief thetown-crier spoke my lines. Nor do not saw the airtoo much with your hand, thus, but use all gently;for in the very torrent, tempest, and, as I may say,the whirlwind of passion, you must acquire and begeta temperance that may give it smoothness. O, itoffends me to the soul to hear a robustiousperiwig-pated fellow tear a passion to tatters, tovery rags, to split the ears of the groundlings, whofor the most part are capable of nothing butinexplicable dumbshows and noise: I would have sucha fellow whipped for o'erdoing Termagant; itout-herods Herod: pray you, avoid it.

First Player

I will try, your honor.

I warrant your honour.

HAMLET

Don’t be too tame, either. Use your instincts. Make sure the action suits the word and vice-versa. Just be natural and don’t overdo it. I want this play to be believable. Don’t perform just to make the commoners laugh, while the other listeners must suffer. I have seen plays performed like that, and I couldn’t stand it; the performers were so inept.

Be not too tame neither, but let your own discretionbe your tutor: suit the action to the word, theword to the action; with this special o'erstep notthe modesty of nature: for any thing so overdone isfrom the purpose of playing, whose end, both at thefirst and now, was and is, to hold, as 'twere, themirror up to nature; to show virtue her own feature,scorn her own image, and the very age and body ofthe time his form and pressure. Now this overdone,or come tardy off, though it make the unskilfullaugh, cannot but make the judicious grieve; thecensure of the which one must in your allowanceo'erweigh a whole theatre of others. O, there beplayers that I have seen play, and heard otherspraise, and that highly, not to speak it profanely,that, neither having the accent of Christians northe gait of Christian, pagan, nor man, have sostrutted and bellowed that I have thought some ofnature's journeymen had made men and not made themwell, they imitated humanity so abominably.

First Player

I hope we please you, sir.

I hope we have reformed that indifferently with us,sir.

HAMLET

I’m sure you will. And don’t let your comedians improvise and ruin the play. Only amateurs attempt to win over the audience with vile humor. Go get ready.

O, reform it altogether. And let those that playyour clowns speak no more than is set down for them;for there be of them that will themselves laugh, toset on some quantity of barren spectators to laughtoo; though, in the mean time, some necessaryquestion of the play be then to be considered:that's villanous, and shows a most pitiful ambitionin the fool that uses it. Go, make you ready.

Exeunt Players

Enter POLONIUS, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN

Hello, my lord! Is the king attending the play?

How now, my lord! I will the king hear this piece of work?

LORD POLONIUS

The queen is coming, too. They should be here soon.

And the queen too, and that presently.

HAMLET

Tell the actors to hurry.

Bid the players make haste.

Exit POLONIUS

Will you two go hurry them along?

Will you two help to hasten them?

ROSENCRANTZ
GUILDENSTERN

We will, my lord.

We will, my lord.

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

HAMLET

Hey, Horatio? What’s up?

What ho! Horatio!

Enter HORATIO

HORATIO

I am here to serve you, lord.

Here, sweet lord, at your service.

HAMLET

You are just the man with whom I need to speak.

Horatio, thou art e'en as just a manAs e'er my conversation coped withal.

HORATIO

O, my lord,--

O, my dear lord,--

HAMLET

I’m not trying to flatter you. I don’t want anything. I am being sincere. A play is being held tonight resembling the situation of which you are aware. When the similar scene takes place, look at my uncle. If he does not look guilty, then I will know the ghost was a fake and I am a fool. I will be looking, too. Afterwards, we will compare what we saw.

Nay, do not think I flatter;For what advancement may I hope from theeThat no revenue hast but thy good spirits,To feed and clothe thee? Why should the poor be flatter'd?No, let the candied tongue lick absurd pomp,And crook the pregnant hinges of the kneeWhere thrift may follow fawning. Dost thou hear?Since my dear soul was mistress of her choiceAnd could of men distinguish, her electionHath seal'd thee for herself; for thou hast beenAs one, in suffering all, that suffers nothing,A man that fortune's buffets and rewardsHast ta'en with equal thanks: and blest are thoseWhose blood and judgment are so well commingled,That they are not a pipe for fortune's fingerTo sound what stop she please. Give me that manThat is not passion's slave, and I will wear himIn my heart's core, ay, in my heart of heart,As I do thee.--Something too much of this.--There is a play to-night before the king;One scene of it comes near the circumstanceWhich I have told thee of my father's death:I prithee, when thou seest that act afoot,Even with the very comment of thy soulObserve mine uncle: if his occulted guiltDo not itself unkennel in one speech,It is a damned ghost that we have seen,And my imaginations are as foulAs Vulcan's stithy. Give him heedful note;For I mine eyes will rivet to his face,And after we will both our judgments joinIn censure of his seeming.

HORATIO

I will watch him, my lord. His reaction will not escape me.

Well, my lord:If he steal aught the whilst this play is playing,And 'scape detecting, I will pay the theft.

HAMLET

Here they come. I have to look normal. Go get a seat.

They are coming to the play; I must be idle:Get you a place.

Danish march. A flourish. Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and others

KING CLAUDIUS

How is our cousin Hamlet?

How fares our cousin Hamlet?

HAMLET

I am as excellent as can be. I eat the air like the chameleons.

Excellent, i' faith; of the chameleon's dish: I eatthe air, promise-crammed: you cannot feed capons so.

KING CLAUDIUS

I don’t know what to say, Hamlet. I don’t understand you.

I have nothing with this answer, Hamlet; these wordsare not mine.

HAMLET

Me either.

No, nor mine now.

To POLONIUS

My lord, didn’t you perform once at the university?