The Confidence Myth (5 page)

To keep poised in the face of a challenge, give yourself time to explore your reaction to the situation and what choices you have moving forward. If you are not in touch with your feelings about what is happening, you are less likely to act in your best interest or
in the best interests of the others involved. Take a moment to pinpoint your emotions, thoughts, and beliefs about the crisis. Then make a list of strategic actions you can take and the results you think they may yield—including how the people affected might respond.

Leading with presence necessitates self-awareness—the ability to own all of yourself and project your strengths in an authentic way. It is also about being keenly aware of the people around you and how they are feeling.

Understanding the mood of your audience, whether you are talking to a few people in your office or a group of over one hundred in an auditorium, is crucial. To command the room you must first read the room, as Sylvia Hewlett writes, which includes, “sensing the mood, absorbing the cultural cues, and adjusting your language, content, and presentation style accordingly.”
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Jill Campbell's experiences growing up helped her respect diversity and learn to listen closely, skills she has used throughout her career. Her dad was a psychologist and a professor; his specialty was alcoholism and drug abuse. Her mom was a real estate agent and very independent. Over Christmas and Thanksgiving, lots of different people were in their home, including graduate students and recovering alcoholics. “I learned that you need to spend time with folks and hear their stories to know about them,” she told me. Those of us who did not have the exposure Jill had can develop our people skills and emotional intelligence through training and observation.

The most charismatic leaders don't seem to be as concerned with the material they're presenting as they are with getting to know their audiences. Jill, for one, wows her listeners because she's focused on them—what
they
want and need to know. I was at a talk she gave to Women in Cable Telecommunications, and seeing her in action was a pleasure—her authenticity gives her grace and power!

“I'm not going to give the same speech to a group of women in cable, as I would to a group of male executives,” Jill explained, adding that time of day enters into it as well. “If it's right before lunch and you see people flipping through your presentation in their meeting materials, you're not going to cover all of it point by point.

“You have to adjust to what they are feeling and what's happening in the room. Are they rolling their eyes? It drives me crazy when a speaker doesn't look at body language and sticks to a canned speech, not aware of what's going on around them.”

Kathy Murphy, president of Fidelity Personal Investing, gave this example of how she carefully read the room at a difficult juncture earlier in her career. Her business had just been acquired by ING, a multinational Dutch firm of 150,000 people worldwide. ING's top two hundred leaders were getting together as they do each year, and Kathy was one of only seven women in the leadership group. Not only did she have to deal with being in the minority, she was also learning the international rules of the road. Oh—and she was seven months pregnant.

“One of my guideposts is that it's often a mistake to try too hard too early,” Kathy shared. “So I sit back for a time, learn about the culture and what value I can provide, and watch things develop. I think that served me well with Europeans
because I'm not perceived as self-promoting or too aggressive (the ugly American). People play into that stereotype because they try to impress too quickly.”

Kathy was promoted several times because she was able to read what was important to the board and deliver on it. She realized that ING's board was no different than an American board—the members wanted to see results. And so she focused on producing measurable results.

Being able to read the room sets the stage for speaking with presence. Public speaking can be challenging—for many of us it is one of our greatest fears. But the only way to lessen the fear is to get out and speak. And the more you do, the better you'll get.

Your ability to read and command a room can be learned. And the best way to learn is to practice. Kim Lubel is a prime example: “I used to be terrified of speaking in front of a large group. Several years ago at Valero Energy, I was given an assignment that involved the philanthropic side of the business. This project entailed giving speeches to different groups—it was my first exposure to being groomed for leadership. I actually reached out to a coach for help, which made a huge difference.

“I'd write my remarks down—then rewrite them—and would put my notes in front of me when it was time to speak. With practice, I learned that I really didn't have to use them. I try to look at the audience and see how they're reacting, and if I need to redirect my remarks, I do. Nowadays that drives my speech writers crazy.”

For Jackie Hernández of Telemundo, envisioning a positive outcome has helped her speak with presence. For her
first staff meeting at her former position as publisher of
People en Español
, Jackie envisioned herself passionately speaking to the group. An image of a successful meeting primed her to make it happen.

I am a powerful and passionate keynote speaker, but I wasn't always—I learned by experience and also with the help of a coach, making many mistakes along the way.

Over a decade ago, I delivered a speech at a conference— and I bombed spectacularly. I was speaking at the evening session, right after dinner, and people wanted something light and anecdotal. Instead I gave them a PowerPoint presentation. I totally lost the audience and I felt bad about it. I felt like I had truly let down the person who brought me in to speak.

This experience drove me to get a coach and really hone my speaking skills. I realized how important it was to be authentic, to not show PowerPoint slides when people are expecting something different but instead to tell stories— personal stories, some of which I had told only to my best friends. And if I shared a weakness to get my point across, which I was afraid to do for a very long time, the audience connected with me even more. If someone like me, with my flaws, could be successful, so could they. My story inspired them.

Lee Glickstein, founder of Speaking Circles International, is the transformational speaking coach who worked with me. He underscored the importance of listening to your audience before, during, and after you speak in order to create nonverbal connections. I learned from him that the spark between audience and speaker is ignited as you give the audience your full attention. He also advised me that it's okay to feel your fear but remember that most people want you to succeed.

Nowadays I speak at a lot of events, and I try to find out as much as possible about my audience beforehand. I always get to the venue an hour early so I can greet people as they come into the room. I don't have to connect with everyone verbally, but I can acknowledge them with a glance. My intuition is at play and I trust its guidance. When I am actually on stage, I take a few deep breaths before I begin to speak, and I listen to the sounds in the room—this gets me focused and really present with my audience.

I once spoke with a group of about two hundred women whose company was being reorganized. Thousands of people were going to be laid off. I could feel the tension in the room and the stress these employees were facing. I adjusted my opening remarks accordingly and shared a time when I went through something similar. I acknowledged the discomfort of change and let them know that the decisions I made at the time actually catapulted my career. I shared with them how I took a transitional job, developed new skills, and ultimately left the company to open my own business. They really connected with me.

Confidence spark

If public speaking is a great fear of yours, try practicing first with a few people you are comfortable with, people who you know will be an encouraging audience. Allow for nervousness, but focus on your listeners and their supportive presence. Take a few deep breaths and share something personal that's meaningful for you. Authenticity and vulnerability help create a connection with your audience. A few sessions with a coach might be helpful if you feel the need.

Are you a good listener? When someone is talking, do you really hear what is being said? Or are you just wanting to respond? When someone is withholding, do you make an effort to bring him out? Or are you thinking about your own agenda and filtering his remarks accordingly? I know I'm guilty of not really listening well at times. If I have a personal agenda, it colors the way I hear what people are saying.

A strong leader knows that you don't learn anything if you do all the talking. Jill Campbell's father's favorite saying was, “God gave you one mouth and two ears. There's a reason for that.” Executive coach Alan Allard told me, “Listening shows respect, even if you don't agree with what the person is saying.”

Listening is an area where the gender stereotype works in our favor. According to Jill, “Women are so much better at listening. I see it in the boardroom; men just keep talking over each other—they enjoy hearing themselves speak.”

Sandra Dewey of Turner Entertainment and Cartoon Network is very serious about the key role listening has played in her success. “It didn't come about because I am so brilliant. If I didn't listen to people and take their expertise seriously, I would not have been able to make the best decisions.”

To communicate effectively and make the best decisions, you need to know what people are thinking about. Make it a practice to ask them. When Kim Lubel became CEO of CST Brands, she did roundtable after roundtable with her employees, taking copious notes about what they thought was needed. “I reread and organized them into issues to pursue. Now we're executing some of those items.”

Artful listening goes beyond hearing the words a person is saying. It is about picking up on other cues, such as tone of
voice and demeanor. In addition, it's about tuning in to who is not speaking and what is not being said.

Debbie Storey of AT&T makes it a point to solicit comments from those who are not forthcoming. She told me, “It's not always the vocal people at the table you need to worry about. In many cases, it's the people who aren't saying anything—or are being uncharacteristically silent. You need to hear from the quiet dissenters as well.

“It's easy for the better choice to be overlooked by letting the vocal folks lead the way and not hear from people who sit back. You have to get them talking to bring out every perspective. That's how you get a better solution. And you've gotten them on board when the time comes to move forward.”

Similarly, Kathy Waller of Coca-Cola makes it her responsibility to decipher what her team members are not saying. Artful listening is important to her leadership: “I have a great team and they work really hard, putting in lots of hours, particularly during quarter closes, year-end closes, and special projects. I have to pay attention to the toll it takes on them. I guarantee you, if I go and say, ‘How are you doing?' they will say, ‘Fine.' I know better. I know when they are not fine.”

Confidence spark

One of the best ways to listen to someone is to tune in to the sound of his voice. He may be saying one thing but meaning something else. Focus on the quality of his tone—does he sound stressed or confident? What do you know about him that can help you figure out what he is really saying? If thoughts come up that distract you, just keep focusing on his voice to heighten your awareness of his real motivation and mental state.

A colleague shared a story with me about how she took artful listening a step further. By focusing on her two managers' distinct styles and language when they spoke to her, she learned how to communicate more effectively with each of them.