Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (12 page)
C
USTOMER:
“And what are you doing with that? It has my information on it. You can’t just keep it!”
M
E:
“Umm, we have to keep it. That’s how you pay for things…” *register prompts for a zip code* “… and may I get your zip code, please?”
C
USTOMER:
“Why do you need my address?!”
M
E:
“Well, American Express needs it. It’s a security measure. And it doesn’t need your whole address, just the zip code.”
C
USTOMER:
“This is identity theft! Give me back my signature!”
M
E:
“Um, I promise you, I am not. And I can’t open the drawer mid-transaction, but I can call a manager to cancel your transaction.”
C
USTOMER:
“You aren’t a cashier! How do I even know you work here?!”
M
E:
“Well, here’s my name tag. And my picture is on the wall.”
C
USTOMER:
“If you work in the photo department, that could be Photoshopped! You do not work here! I want a manager!”
M
E:
“Umm, okay …”*calls manager*
M
ANAGER:
“What can I help you with today?”
C
USTOMER:
“This thief is stealing my personal identity!”
M
ANAGER:
“Excuse me?”
C
USTOMER:
“I want my signature back! She is asking too many questions!”
M
ANAGER:
“Okay, I will take it from here. So what is your zip code?”
(My manager takes care of the rest of the transaction. The receipt then prints out…)
M
ANAGER:
“Here you go! Tell your grandson to have a happy birthday!”
C
USTOMER:
“AND HOW DO YOU KNOW MY GRANDSON?! YOU PEOPLE STOP AT NOTHING! I AM REPORTING YOU! THIS IS ILLEGAL!” *continues yelling all the way out the door*
P
HARMACY |
W
EST
M
IDLANDS,
U
NITED
K
INGDOM
(A female customer brings a pack of condoms to the pharmacy counter.)
C
USTOMER:
“Could I buy these, please?”
M
E:
“Certainly!”
C
USTOMER:
“Okay, and do I take one of these a day?”
M
E:
“Excuse me?”
C
USTOMER:
“I have to swallow one of these every day to stop me getting pregnant, right?”
J
EWELRY
S
HOP |
B
ALTIMORE,
M
ARYLAND
(A customer comes into our mall jewelry shop at about 5:15 p.m.)
C
USTOMER:
“Hey, can you fix this watch for me? It hasn’t been reading the right time for a while now.”
M
E:
“Sure, I’ll just take a quick look to see what’s wrong with it. I’ll have a quote ready for you in about ten minutes.”
C
USTOMER:
“Ten minutes?”
(The customer looks at his watch and nods.)
C
USTOMER:
“All right, I guess that’s fine. I just have to be at work by five.”
M
E:
“Uh, sir? What time did you say you had to be at your job?”
(The customer looks at his broken watch and then looks at the clock on the wall.)
C
USTOMER:
“Oh God, I have to go!” *takes watch and runs*
G
AS
S
TATION |
L
OS
A
NGELES,
C
ALIFORNIA
C
USTOMER:
“Your pumps are a lot slower than they used to be. It never used to take this long to pump $20 of gas.”
M
E:
“The pump speed hasn’t decreased; it just takes longer to get to $20 now that the price of gas is half what it used to be.”
C
USTOMER:
“Well, I wish it would go up again so I could fill up faster!”
S
ATELLITE
TV C
OMPANY |
H
UNTSVILLE,
A
LABAMA
M
E:
“This is ***, how may I help you?”
C
USTOMER:
“My TV doesn’t work.”
M
E:
“What is it doing, sir? Is there a message on the screen?”
C
USTOMER:
“No, nothing. It’s just black.”
M
E:
“Sir, you don’t see a message at all?”
C
USTOMER:
“No, nothing. Nothing is on my screen.”
M
E:
“I
S
the red or green light on your receiver on?”
C
USTOMER:
“What’s a receiver?”
M
E:
“The satellite box. Are there any lights on?”
C
USTOMER:
“There’s a green light…”
M
E:
“Okay, tell me exactly what you see on the screen.”
C
USTOMER:
“I see a man sitting on a couch with a dog sitting next to him.”
D
OG:
“Woof!”
M
E:
“Sir, do you have a dog?”
C
USTOMER:
“Yes, I do!”
M
E:
“Does the dog on your TV screen look like your dog?”
C
USTOMER:
“Yes!”
M
E:
“Does the man on the couch on your TV screen look like you?”
C
USTOMER:
“Yes, he does! He moves when I move, too.”
M
E:
“Sir, I need you to turn the TV on.”
C
USTOMER:
“You mean I stayed on hold for thirty minutes and all it was was that I needed to turn the TV on?”
M
E:
“Yes, sir, I apologize for the inconvenience.”
C
USTOMER:
“You people are stupid!”
M
E:
“Thank you for calling, sir.”
G
ROCERY
S
TORE |
A
USTIN,
T
EXAS
C
USTOMER:
“Where are your walnuts?”
M
E:
“It’s over with the other nuts.”
C
USTOMER:
“I didn’t see them.”
M
E:
“They’re next to the cashews. Trust me, when you see them, you will laugh.”
(Time passes, I finish filling my bin and wade through the Christmas crowd to check on the customer. I find her standing right in front of the walnuts. She’s clearly found them.)
M
E:
“You found them.”
C
USTOMER:
“Yeah. I couldn’t see them because the sign was in the way.”
(Note that she’s referring to a large, eighteen-inch sign with three-inch-wide red letters that read WALNUTS. It was added because customers complained they couldn’t find them.)
M
E:
“You couldn’t see the walnuts because of the sign that said WALNUTS?”
C
USTOMER:
*angry* “Yeah, that’s right!”
M
E:
“I … can’t help you.”
T
ECH
S
UPPORT |
N
ORTH
C
AROLINA
(My coworker is on a tech-support call with a customer who is having Internet-connection issues.)
C
OWORKER:
“What lights do you have on the back of the router?”
C
USTOMER:
“There’s just one amber light on the back.”
C
OWORKER:
“Umm … there shouldn’t be anything that would show up as an amber light.”
C
USTOMER:
“Well, that’s what I’m seeing. I… Oh! There’s smoke.”
C
OWORKER:
“Smoke?”
C
USTOMER:
“Let me call you back. The router’s on fire.” *hangs up*
A
NOTHER COWORKER:
“Well, that explains the amber light!”
B
AR |
M
YRTLE
B
EACH,
S
OUTH
C
AROLINA
C
USTOMER:
“H
OW
much is Bud Light?”
B
ARTENDER:
“$3.75.”
C
USTOMER:
“Well, how much is Miller Light?”
B
ARTENDER:
“$3.75.”
C
USTOMER:
“Dang! What’s the cheapest thing you got in here?!”
B
ARTENDER:
“YOU!”
V
IDEO
R
ENTAL
S
TORE |
B
OSTON,
M
ASSACHUSETTS
(A customer in scrubs comes up with two movies and a bucket of popcorn.)
M
E:
“Did you find everything okay?”
C
USTOMER:
“Yeah, I did. Just what I need after a long day.”
M
E:
“I bet. I hear hospitals have crazy hours. Your total is $11.49.”
C
USTOMER:
“Think you could just give me the popcorn?”
M
E:
“Umm, no. That would be against the rules. I could be fired.”
C
USTOMER:
“C’mon, it’s just a little bucket of popcorn!”
M
E:
“N
O.”
C
USTOMER:
“You know, one day, you’re gonna have a medical emergency and need some kinda organ transplant, and I’m gonna go ‘nope, don’t help him out, he was stingy with the popcorn!’”
M
E:
“I’m glad you’re willing to kill for free popcorn, sir.”
