The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool (22 page)

Darwin Award: Kittie Toy

Confirmed True by Darwin

18 DECEMBER 2005, SOUTH AFRICA

Two muggers were working a crowd at the zoo. They had just taken a cell phone and purse from a couple at knifepoint when suddenly, the woman screamed. The muggers sprinted away.

But working a crowd and working out are entirely different activities, and one of the muggers was out of shape.

As he watched his compatriot recede into the distance, he felt the stitch in his side and knew he could run no farther. Perhaps he was thinking he should have spent some of those ill-gotten gains on a trip to the gym. But then he spotted a high fence, and that, at least, he could manage.

He put on a burst of speed and leapt the fence. Sure enough, no one followed. Escape! But he had failed to take into consideration a very important fact. He was at the Bloemfontein Zoo. Just as he was congratulating himself on his foolproof escape, he realized that on the other side of the fence was a ten-meter drop into a cage of bored Bengal tigers.

Speaking of foolproof, the tigers wasted no time in treating the nearest fool as their own little kitty toy. The mauled body of the mugger was not noticed until noon. A zoo spokesperson said that it was lucky the tigers had been fed the previous afternoon, else they would have left no evidence behind.

Police said a postmortem would be carried out to determine the exact cause of his death—as if that wasn’t obvious.

Reference:
Die Volksblad,
news24.com

Reader Comment:

“Crime pays for the tigers’ just desserts.”

Darwin Award: Whac-A-Mole

Confirmed True by Darwin

10 JANUARY 2007, EAST GERMANY

A sixty-three-year-old man’s extraordinary effort to eradicate moles from his property resulted in a victory for the moles. The man pounded several metal rods into the ground and connected them—not to household current, which would have been bad enough—but to a
high-voltage
power line, intending to render the subterranean realm uninhabitable.

Incidentally, the maneuver electrified the very ground on which he stood. He was found dead some time later, at his holiday property on the Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before venturing onto the property.

The precise date of the sexagenarian’s demise could not be ascertained, but the electric bill may provide a clue.

Reference:
Der Spiegel
(Germany), Reuters (Berlin)

Reader Comment:

“Think this would work for squirrels?

I wouldn’t have a problem with them anymore.

I wouldn’t have a problem with anything.”

Darwin Award: Beer for Bears

Confirmed True by Darwin

19 AUGUST 2007, SERBIA

It’s well known that alcohol impairs judgment. It’s well known that carnivorous wild animals and humans don’t mix. What happens when we combine all three? One might expect men, beer, and bears to combine with lethal consequences. Such was the case for a twenty-three-year-old man who inadvertently fed himself to Masha and Misha at the Belgrade Zoo.

The zoo director said of the incident, “Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage.”

The man’s naked, mauled corpse was found inside the bear habitat, along with plenty of beer cans. His clothes were completely untouched, suggesting that he approached the bears bare-naked by choice. The bears, apparently fearing that his intentions were as dishonorable as they were ill-informed, meted out a summary justice.

Later, Masha and Misha “reacted angrily” when keepers tried to recover the man’s corpse, but were eventually persuaded to give up their bare prize. We await word on how many beers were bartered for the body.

Reference: CNN, Reuters

Reader Comments:

“Today’s the day the teddy bears have their piiiiic-nic.”

“Guess the guy misunderstood when his friend said,

‘Hey, man, go git us a couple of dem beers.’”

Darwin Award: A Cow-ardly Death

Confirmed True by Darwin

19 APRIL 2007, CAMBODIA

Unwanted amorous advances on a heifer resulted in a man’s death at the hooves of the violated bovine. Sounds of a scuffle culminated in the discovery of his naked body lying beneath the frightened family cow. Injuries were consistent with being kicked to death.

Why did he do it?

The man’s divorce had become final ten days prior to his fateful final fling. In the divorce, and also a previous one, his ex-wives cited his insatiable desire as the cause of the divorce.

Phnom Penh police concluded that the man died in a rape gone wrong. They do not plan to take action against the cow, which appeared to have been acting in self-defense.

Reference: iol.co.za, Sapa-DPA

Reader Comments:

“That man loves his beef.”

“No bull.”

“Cow—boy.”

“One last ride.”

“A different way of ‘getting the milk for free.’”

Darwin Award: Wascally Wabbit

Unconfirmed

Snowmobiles and alcohol are a dangerous mix. Then came the rabbit.

After a day spent partying and racing snowmobiles in the wilderness, a group of snowmobilers were headed back to their cabin, when up popped a jackrabbit! They gave chase. Several collisions were narrowly averted, so all the snowmobiles backed off…except one.

This snowmobiler kept his eye on the quarry and rapidly closed in. The rabbit darted aside to save itself. The snowmobiler closed in again. The rabbit ran toward the road, where there was less snow. Trying to ram his rabbit before it crossed the road, the man accelerated to Mach 1.

But the rabbit had other ideas. It darted into a culvert beneath the road. Witnesses stated that the snowmobiler never even braked. There was a metallic crunch as the accelerating vehicle rammed into the culvert, followed by a blast that shattered the snowmobile into a thousand bits.