The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool (17 page)

Darwin Award: Absolutely Radiant

Confirmed True by Darwin

10 DECEMBER 1968, OZYORSK, RUSSIA

While researching nuclear accidents a physicist found this Darwin Award. The following report is quoted directly from a Los Alamos review document, with a few sentences added to help make the situation clear to the layperson.

Mayak is a nuclear fuel processing center in central Russia that was experimenting with plutonium purification techniques. The report states that they were using “an unfavorable geometry vessel in an improvised operation as a temporary vessel for storing plutonium organic solution.” In other words they were pouring liquid plutonium into an unsafe container.

Keep an eye on the shift supervisor.

“It was noticed that the solution was a combination of organic and aqueous solution [gunk in the tank]. Two operators [instructed by the shift supervisor] used an improvised setup to decant the dark brown [concentrated plutonium] organic solution. The shift supervisor then left to tend to other duties. During the second filling of the bottle a mixture of aqueous
and
organic solution was drawn in. As a result the operators stopped filling the bottle.”

One asked the shift supervisor for further instructions. He was told to continue decanting the solution. This operator “poured it into the sixty-liter vessel for a second time. After [most] of the solution had been poured out, the operator saw a flash of light and felt a pulse of heat. Startled, the operator dropped the bottle, ran down the stairs, and from the room.”

The plutonium was too concentrated, and he had accidentally started a nuclear chain reaction! The alarms sounded, and everyone evacuated. So far, no fatal errors. But a second criticality happened while everyone was safely underground. Here’s where it gets good.

“The shift supervisor insisted that the radiation control supervisor permit him to enter the work area. The radiation control supervisor resisted but finally accompanied the shift supervisor back into the building. As they approached the basement room where the accident had occurred, the radiation levels continued to rise. The radiation control supervisor prohibited the shift supervisor from proceeding. In spite of the prohibition the shift supervisor deceived the radiation control supervisor and entered the room.”

So, with things more or less under control, the shift supervisor tricks the radiation control supervisor and goes into the room full of plutonium.

His “subsequent actions were not observed by anyone. However, there was evidence that he attempted to pour [the plutonium] into a floor drain. His actions caused a third excursion, larger than the first two, activating the alarm system in both buildings.”

The shift supervisor had proceeded to set off an even bigger nuclear chain reaction!

“The shift supervisor, covered in plutonium organic solution, immediately returned to the underground tunnel. He died about one month after the accident,” having received four times the fatal dose of radiation. Everyone else survived.

Even if the shift supervisor had lived, he would still qualify for a Darwin Award. That much radiation causes sterility!

Reference: “A Review of Criticality Accidents,” 2000 revision, Los Alamos
National Laboratory document LA-13638; elucidated by Edmund Schluessel

Reader Comments:

“A flash of insight.”

“Now hiring: Nuclear Plant Shift Supervisor.”

Darwin Award: Pierced!

Confirmed True by Darwin

JANUARY 2008, PENNSYLVANIA

A twenty-three-year-old man with various body piercings decided to have some fun at work. He wondered, “What would it feel like to connect the electronic control tester to my chest piercings?” Several coworkers tried to convince him that it was a bad idea to wire himself up to the electronic device, but he ignored their pleas.

He proceeded to connect two alligator clips to his metal nipple piercings, one on each side, and hit the test button….

His coworkers were still trying to revive him with CPR and rescue breathing when the police and rescue personnel arrived. They were not successful.

Reference:
The Boyertown Area Times,
PA. January 10, 2008.
Vol. 150, Number 32. berksmontnews.com

Reader Comments:

“I would not even try this with my pierced earrings.”

“Shock to the heart, and you’re to blame….”—Bon Jovi

“All charged up.”

Darwin Award: Barn Razing

Unconfirmed

14 JANUARY 2007, WEST VIRGINIA

Raising a new barn is an endeavor that brings a community together. Demolishing a barn is another question. A trio of friends set out to dismantle a dilapidated structure one bracing winter afternoon. Speaking of bracing…

It was all fun and games until one industrious fellow fired up his chainsaw and ripped through a crucial support post. Carrying the weight of a full barn roof, those wooden beams were all that stood between the demolition worker and structural collapse.

The roof succumbed to the pull of gravity, and the ill-fated lumberjack had only a brief moment to contemplate the approach of his deadly problem. As a consolation prize, the deceased was indeed successful at demolishing the barn.

Reference:
Hampshire Review

Reader Comment:

“Gravity hurts. Gravity + Wood hurts more.”

Darwin Award: A Prop-er Send-off

Unconfirmed

BROOME, AUSTRALIA

When you work as a diver on a pearl farm, there are many ways to “buy the farm.” Our head diver, Mitchell, known as Sharky, was not afraid to take risks to get the job done. He was a loose gun in a company of cowboys. Sharky seemed destined to make an original exit.

A near miss happened in Roebuck Bay. He miscalculated the amount of fuel needed for the air compressor that pumps air to the divers below. Instead of following standard procedure—bringing everyone up and refueling during a surface interval—he surfaced alone to top up the fuel tank while the compressor was still running.

The deck was unsteady, and naturally he spilled some petrol. The compressor had been running for hours. Its red-hot exhaust ignited the spilled fuel, and the flames followed the fuel into the tank. The brand-new dive boat was fully kitted out for the pearl farm, including oxygen for resuscitations. The resulting mushroom cloud explosion from the oxy bottle startled observers all the way back in town, five kilometers away.

Luckily Sharky jumped back in the water before the big explosion. He and his crew were picked up by another dive boat.

Despite this incident Sharky was promoted to skipper of a larger vessel. However, the skipper still found excuses to don the old dive gear. One such excuse was a mooring rope tangled around the propeller. Instead of asking an outfitted diver for assistance, Sharky chucked on his dive gear, started the compressor, clipped on a dive hose, and jumped off the back of the boat. But he neglected to take the boat out of gear….

The spinning prop entangled his hose and started reeling him in. His “lifeline” pulled him through the prop, and he died on the way to the hospital. Sharky didn’t have any children (that he knew of), but he did have a wicked sense of humor. He died doing what he always did…having a go.

Reference: Eyewitness account by Anonymous, who says,
“I hope he forgives me for submitting him for a Darwin Award!”