Read The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool Online
Authors: Wendy Northcutt
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Anecdotes, #General, #Stupidity, #Essays
Darwin Award: Big Bang Theory
Unconfirmed
OCTOBER 2006, OKLAHOMA
A patient at the local clinic sustained serious internal injuries from a
fishing accident,
including a ruptured eyeball and total hearing loss in one ear. Both legs were amputated midthigh. How did the normally mild sport of fishing become so dangerous?
The man had been standing at the end of a dock with a bucket of dynamite, two-inch chunks, each fused and capped. He took a chunk, lit the fuse, cocked his arm for the throw…and dropped the chunk into the bucket of dynamite!
Instantly recognizing the serious situation he was in, the man dove off the dock. But water is incompressible. It transferred the force of the explosion, in line with the blast, against his body.
Besides his other injuries the force also damaged both gonads. One doctor was heard to remark that the gene pool was safe, as this patient had lost his balls.
Reference: Eyewitness account by Mike Andrews
At Risk Survivor: Hedge Your Bets
Unconfirmed
2007, ONTARIO, CANADA
Recently a patient was rushed into the hospital, needing a surgeon to reattach the tips of his fingers to his left hand. While taking the patient history it was found that this bright chap had got the idea of holding his lawn mower sideways and applying it to his hedge. He was holding the mower deck trimming the hedge, and things were going well until the weight of the mower got to be a bit much. He readjusted his grip on the mower deck—and that was when the blade bit him.
When the reconstructive plastic surgeon was almost finished with the complex job of sewing the patient back together, another patient came in with the same injury! On questioning him it was found that he, too, had been using his mower to trim his hedge. Apparently he lived near the first patient. He saw his neighbor trimming his hedge with the mower and thought it was a bright idea.
Often fact is so much weirder than fiction.
Reference: Personal account by Northern Scout, whose friend is a plastic surgeon with expertise in reconstructive surgery
“He saw his neighbor trimming his hedge with the mower and thought it was a bright idea.”
Darwin Award:
A Highly Improbable Trajectory
Unconfirmed
A rare nonfatal Darwin Award. Nobody dies!
In a suburban ER the first patient of the evening was a young man suffering from a gunshot wound. His story? “I was at a party and went outside to take a piss. Somebody did a drive-by and shot me.” He was examined and a small-caliber entry wound was found at the anterior base of his penis, exiting the midshaft, in and out the right testicle, and into the right thigh where the bullet lodged.
A highly improbable trajectory for a drive-by.
The nurse picked up his white jeans, which had been cut off and thrown aside. Inside the waistband were unmistakable powder burns. She said to him, “You had a gun down your pants!”
At first “Billy the Kid” denied it, but he finally admitted to shooting himself while playing quick-draw with a friend. The reason for the attempted deception? He was on parole for a weapons violation.
The nature of the injury effectively removed him from the gene pool.
Reference: Anonymous eyewitness account
At Risk Survivor: Tales from the Finnish Forest
Unconfirmed
JULY 2004, FINLAND
I accepted a post as general practitioner for a small village in the Finnish forests. In Scandinavia, Finland is the butt of jokes concerning mosquitoes, trees, and excessive alcohol consumption, so I can’t say I hadn’t been warned. In defense of the patients, their government had just halved the taxes on alcohol, but nothing could have prepared me for the stories behind the wounds I treated.
CASE 1: A young male I’ll call Pekka came in on a Wednesday, as the damages from a weekend of heavy partying began to bother him. Lacerations and abrasions covered his entire backside, from his ankles to the top of his head. But Pekka’s main concern was a dislocated thumb. It was sticking out at a ninety-degree angle from his palm and colored a nice shade of purple. I ordered X-rays. Luckily for Pekka he had no fractures, and we reset his thumb joint.
How had these wounds occurred?
Pekka’s friend was driving him home from the local waterhole. As they sped along somewhat faster than the speed limit, as one does when one lives in the middle of nowhere, Pekka realized that the driver was as drunk as he was! He decided to take action and get out of the car. While the driver was preoccupied with a sharp bend in the road, Pekka opened the passenger door and quit the car.
Pekka was a regular customer over the summer, coming in when the anesthetic effects of a weekend’s libations began to wear off. He had his cast replaced, and the thumb reset, and reset, and reset yet again. I am sure he’s still out there working toward a Darwin Award!
CASE 2: A middle-aged woman came in, complaining of a horrible headache. Two days earlier she had been driving to work when she suffered a “blackout” and woke up upside down. Her car was now resting on its roof. She extricated herself and walked (!) to work. But the headache had grown steadily worse. She thought it might be whiplash.
To demonstrate that the pain was worse when she moved her head, she suddenly started shaking her head vigorously back and forth. The nurse and I both jumped to intervene and immobilize her until we could fit a collar and have the madwoman transported by gurney to radiology. She had a fractured cervical vertebra, which luckily had not been displaced even though she’d done her very best right there in my office! She, too, lived to tell the tale.
Reference: Anonymous eyewitness account
Personal Account: Missionary Kid
Unconfirmed
INDONESIA
Darwin says: I have become very fond of these lived-to-tell-the-tale narratives. Many people have survived a brush with death, and their stories make vivid cautionary tales for the younger readers.
I was a missionary kid, nine years old and fascinated with fireworks. My favorite was the Roman candle. You hold one end of a cardboard tube in your hand while the other end shoots pretty colored balls into the air. Then I had a “bright” idea. Wouldn’t it be cool to see that stuff shoot out the end of a Coke bottle?
I was nine years old. No sooner said than done! I pulled out my pocketknife, split some Roman candles in half, and poured their phosphorous goodness into a Coke bottle. Then, with naive confidence, I lit the match. I still have nightmares about that match at the mouth of the Coke bottle, and I’m forty-one now!
“Then I had a bright idea.”
Witnesses said it was the loudest explosion they’d ever heard. The explosion burned off my eyebrows, singed my hair, and peppered me with glass shrapnel. I couldn’t hear anything, but apparently I was screaming hysterically and hopping on my one good foot until I collapsed and was carried to the hospital. I spent several hours in surgery, having glass picked out of my body and the ten-dons above my ankle reattached. They had been severed completely in two.
The top of the Coke bottle was found in the street, fifty feet away. To this day an occasional piece of glass surfaces through my skin! Among my missionary kid friends I am a legend in stupidity for that brilliant event.
Reference: Personal account by Chris Harper, M.D.
“He who hesitates…is sometimes saved.”
—James Thurber
By Steven “DarkSyde” Andrew
I
nternet surfers and tabloid readers are fascinated by the rich and famous. This tale concerns a young biochemist fascinated with the slimy and contagious! Dr. Herbert Boyer was investigating a common bacteria identified in 1885 by pediatrician Theodor Escherich, who was studying the tragically high rate of infant mortality due to diarrhea when he isolated a rod-shaped microbe in a residue we need not dwell on. The bacteria he discovered now bear his name:
Escherichia coli
, or
E. coli
for short.
You may recognize
E. coli
from the news. Hardly a month goes by without a health advisory issued by the CDC about a new outbreak. Beef, spinach, lettuce—any number of innocuous foods sitting in the crisper of your refrigerator may harbor the killer. There are hundreds of strains of
E. coli
. Most are harmless. But some strains produce potent poisons with the power to cripple their host and bring on the kind of misery that any dehydrated tourist bent over a Mexican toilet can understand. And a few strains are so deadly they could be classified as biological weapons! Still, there’s a kinder side to this ubiquitous microbe, a gentler side, a side that serves humanity. Odds are good that one day the humble
E. coli
will serve you too.
After their discovery in 1885
E. coli
were found in the small intestines of virtually every warm-blooded animal. Several pounds of the bacteria reside in the gastrointestinal tracts of large animals like horses, German shepherds, and, yes, people too. Most strains cause no harm. But researchers came to realize that some strains of the bacteria rampage through the unfortunate host, causing symptoms ranging from lingering malaise to rapid death.
Scientific interest intensified.
Because
E. coli
are widespread and easy to keep alive in the lab, they soon became the most studied microbe in the world. Libraries were filled with sketches and chemical equations describing them. Our understanding of the molecular intricacy of these one-celled creatures grew rapidly.
E. coli
was not a primitive life-form from a forgotten slimy crevice. The bacterium was an exquisitely evolved animal, every bit as flexible and cleverly constructed as are we giants of muscle and bone.
They taste the world around them, run the data through a molecular supercomputer, and reconfigure their metabolism to use those nutrients that happen to be available. They build sophisticated defenses against almost any deadly substance that wanders into their domain. When necessary, most can build a flagellum—a tiny motorized propeller that rotates thousands of times a second—and zoom around like high-tech submarines. When food and water are scarce,
E. coli
can even go into stasis (suspended animation)—for years, if necessary.
These transformations are beyond any metamorphosis possible for plants or animals. But
E. coli
reproduce in a matter of hours, so they have had far more relative time, at least as measured by individual generations, to evolve than multicellular plants and animals. To put the talents of
E. coli
into perspective, imagine a herd of horses starving in a drought. If horses were as mutable as
E. coli
, one would morph into a Bengal tiger and eat the rest, and when that food was exhausted, it would sprout wings and fly away. If necessary, it would burrow into the earth and hibernate until rains brought the meadows back. Then it would become a horse again, happily munching on green grass.
When scientists began to sequence DNA, the very code of life,
E. coli
was among the first to be scrutinized. That’s when another surprising microbial ability was noticed.
E. coli
were exchanging genes! That wasn’t supposed to happen.
E. coli
reproduce by splitting in two, and the daughter cells are identical to the parents. Sex in single-celled organisms? Unthinkable!
Dr. Herbert Boyer was studying the exciting details of gene exchange when he had a revolutionary idea: If genes from one
E. coli
could be transplanted into another…could the genes
of a different species
be transplanted into the bacterium? To insert foreign genes Boyer enlisted the help of a plasmid.
A plasmid is a small ring of DNA that carries useful genes. Plasmids are the means by which bacteria swap genes. The realization that bacterial genes are kept not only in the chromosomal DNA, but also on small, transferable rings of DNA, was revolutionary. Plasmids behave very much like the remnant of an independent microbe that struck up a partnership with the ancestral
E. coli
. In return for food and shelter plasmids offer their host a library of useful genes.
The plasmid has an unusual ability. It can acquire random genes from a passing virus, or from the chromosomal DNA of bacteria, and make these genes available to other bacteria. When a bacterium must radically reconfigure itself to survive changing conditions, adaptive genes are often stored on the plasmid. A familiar example is antibiotic drug resistance, which is caused by a protein that inactivates the antibiotic. The gene for the protein, located on a plasmid, is easily transferred between bacteria. Plasmids give
E. coli
the flexibility to quickly adapt to changing conditions.
E. coli
has evolved to evolve, via the plasmid.
Boyer realized that he didn’t have to insert a gene into the chromosome of the
E. coli
, a tricky maneuver with a low success rate. Instead, the plasmid would do the work for him. Boyer merely had to isolate a plasmid, coax it into accepting a gene of his choosing, then put it back into the
E. coli
. Plasmids are adept at moving useful genes from one
E. coli
to another, and this ability was exactly what Boyer wanted. Once inside, the plasmid should theoretically produce the protein coded by his foreign gene.
Sounds easy? It took thousands of lab hours and years of work before Herbert Boyer’s first gene-engineered
E. coli
was confirmed to be a success. By the late 1970s Boyer had created mutants! He knew how to insert genes from wholly different creatures, with a variety of functions, into
E. coli
. If the foreign gene coded for a protein, the bacteria would churn out the substance, while the plasmid was powered, propagated, and protected by the microbe.
Dazzled by the commercial possibilities, Boyer and business friend Robert Swanson invested five hundred dollars each to create a fledgling company and patent this process. And for his invention to be lucrative Boyer decided to program his next designer bacteria to produce a substance with a high demand. A chemical that people wanted and, better yet, needed. He quickly settled on his target: insulin.
Insulin is a small peptide hormone composed of fifty-one amino acids. At the time diabetics were given insulin purified from large mammals such as horses and pigs. It controlled blood sugar levels, but not as effectively as human insulin. Complications from diabetes in general and animal insulin in particular could lead to devastating tissue damage, ruining eyes, heart, liver, or extremities. Animal-derived insulin could trigger rare but life-threatening allergic reactions, yet the only source of human insulin was minuscule (and expensive) amounts obtained from living humans or human cadavers. If Boyer could coerce
E. coli
into making the genuine human version, the mutant bacteria could be grown by the billions in large fermenter vats. Doses of pure human insulin would be unlimited!
And it worked. Humulin is now used by millions of diabetics worldwide. Because it is an exact replica of human insulin, it adds years of life while avoiding the serious side effects of nonhuman insulin. For diabetics who could not tolerate insulin from animal sources, it was the stuff of life itself.
Boyer and other researchers have since created mutant
E. coli
that churn out many useful proteins: human growth hormones to treat dwarfism, blood thinners for heart patients, and an array of other substances. Custom-engineered plasmids themselves have become a robust and lucrative subspecialty in the booming designer microbe industry. The microscopic bacteria have become a laboratory workforce, efficiently and reliably making lifesaving drugs and proteins used for medical research.
For his pioneering contributions to genetic engineering and medicine Herbert Boyer has received academic distinctions. He was awarded the National Medal of Science in 1990. The Yale School of Medicine named its Boyer Center for Molecular Medicine after him. He shared in the prestigious Lemelson–MIT Prize in recognition of his invention. Dr. Herbert Boyer’s advances may one day lead to a Nobel Prize.
Oh, and don’t forget the small company Boyer and Swanson started with a thousand dollars. They called it Genetic Engineering Technology, or Genentech for short. The two-man firm had been struggling on the edge of bankruptcy, but the promise of Humulin changed all that. In 1980 Genentech went public, using the ticker symbol DNA on the NYSE. The thousand dollars became $130 million overnight, and their shares are worth billions today. Amgen, Biogen, Genzyme, and ImClone rode on the coattails of Genentech’s success. Gene-swapping techniques created an entirely new industry, biotechnology, which now employs thousands of highly trained scientists.
Herbert Boyer started out looking into the slimy and contagious, but because of the wealth and recognition he earned, Dr. Boyer’s presence would not be amiss on
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
!
Steven “DarkSyde” Andrew
is a freelance science writer and contributing editor to the popular progressive weblog Daily Kos. He lives in Florida near the Kennedy Space Center with his wife, Mrs. “DS,” a dog named Darwin, and a cat named Kali.