The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool (11 page)

The boys climbed out of Submerged Car #2, walked back to the farm with sodden pants and chattering teeth, and fetched a farm tractor. They drove back to the beach—out onto the ice—and sank the tractor too!

Submerged Car #1 could be called an accident,

Submerged Car #2 could be called plain daft, but

Submerged Car #3 seems to indicate a genetic error, especially since the boys agreed upon the actions, and they are blood relatives.

Reference: Eyewitness account by Kim “The_Pirate” Christensen, who says,
“This happened to a young man who works a few desks away from me.”

At Risk Survivor: Mexican Divorce

Unconfirmed

MEXICO

I was traveling in Mexico with my then wife. Like many young hands we were in a VW van equipped with a potty to provide for our fussy American preference for sanitation and privacy.

My wife and I had been quibbling all day, due to the stifling heat and humidity of the sea-level jungle in which we had been camping. We took the road toward Mexico City, hoping that higher elevation would gain us some relief from the tropical heat.

On a switchback road several thousand feet above sea level, my dear wife announced the need to use the convenience and lurched toward the rear of the van. I suggested that she wait until I could pull over, but she was resolute in her determination to attend to matters promptly.

From the back I heard her irritable voice say, “Why’s this sodding potty rocking?” I pondered and realized that the potty was under pressure! It had been last used at sea level, and we had gained significant elevation. The bottom of the potty was bowed with pressure, causing the rocking. And, to my good wife’s impending grief and mortification, the potty was nearly full.

A beat too late I called back, “Honey don’t flush…”

I was interrupted by a mighty WHOOSH and a slurpy noise. Then silence. Then a horrible stench, and the unhappy sounds of my dear bride cursing like a Liverpool longshoreman. In the rear-view mirror I saw that the interior of the van was dripping with brown fluid. Since she’d had to face the potty to flush it, and since she hadn’t put the lid down, my hapless wife had taken the full blast from the pressurized holding tank. Her skin was brown, and I don’t mean suntanned.

Convulsed with laughter that was the proximate cause of our subsequent marital decline, I pulled over. My soon-to-be-ex lady marched down the highway cursing and dripping. When I recovered my composure, I cleaned the van and picked up my luckless hitchhiking wife. Our conversation was limited over the next few days and never regained its former gaiety and charm.

That pressurized potty took us
out of the gene pool
.

Reference: Eyewitness account of an anonymous unfortunate

Reader Comments:

“Oh, fudge.”

“Another crappy day.”

“If the potty’s rockin’, don’t bother knockin’.”

“Getting your own back.”

At Risk Survivor: Chivalry Rebuffed

Unconfirmed

MAY 2007, CALIFORNIA

I was taught by my fraternity to believe in human service and always lend a hand, particularly to pretty young women! One afternoon I was drinking beer on the front deck of the Berkeley frat house, enjoying the California sunshine, when I heard the unmistakable
thump-thump, thump-thump
of a flat tire. A Ford SUV pulled up to the curb and two young women hopped out to inspect the damage.

I quickly jumped down from the deck and offered to lend a hand. Perhaps they needed a jack or a spare set of hands? I was rebuffed. “Just because we’re women doesn’t mean we can’t change a tire.” So I sat back on the deck to watch the show.

The women retrieved tools and the spare from their vehicle and began to jack up the car. They didn’t notice that the car was right against the curb. There was no room to remove the wheel or install the new one. I attempted to step in but was brusquely rebuffed.

Eventually they realized their error and rolled the car forward to the ramp in the curb. Here, again, they didn’t take into account the angled edge of the curb, which allowed for drainage. Even fully extended, the jack wasn’t tall enough to allow the installation of a fully inflated spare. Again I offered my help. I suggested that they put the jack on a four-by-four block of wood I had handy, to offset the height.

But no! They wanted to change the tire themselves.

The young women found a cinderblock, set the jack on it, jacked up the car, and removed the flat. Here’s where the Darwin potential comes in. Until now I had not paid attention to where on the underbody they had positioned the jack. I made the mistake of assuming they knew a jack couldn’t go just anywhere. I was proven wrong.

With the jack fully extended and the flat removed, one woman began to put the spare on the studs. If you own an SUV you know these spares aren’t lightweight. The woman sat on the curb with her legs extended underneath the SUV, and the wheel hub positioned directly in front of her. Only then did I realize that they had placed the jack on the only “flat” spot of the underbody—the passenger seat floorboard!

Before I could yell, “Get out of there!” the jack tore through the floorboard and dropped the front of the SUV directly on the woman’s legs. The hub fell just shy of crushing her unmentionables. To my knowledge she suffered two broken femurs (impressive, given that they’re the strongest bones in the human body) but no damage to the procreative parts. Still, she came as close to earning a Darwin Award as I believe a woman can.

Reference: Eyewitness account by Jason Keats

Reader Comments:

“Anything he can do she can do better.”

“Now she
can’t
wear the pants.”

At Risk Survivor: Shattered Ego

Unconfirmed

NEW JERSEY

One warm summer day I was walking along the lake with a childhood friend. We reminisced about youthful summers spent fishing on the lake. A railroad track runs next to the lake. We used to put pebbles and pennies on the train tracks and take cover as the train zoomed by and annihilated the objects.

My friend is a schoolteacher who dabbles in photography, and as we walked, he would take various nature shots. Every fifteen minutes or so a train would fly by. My friend was seized by a creative urge to put stones on the tracks and take a photo as the train ran over them. An action shot, he called it.

I insisted that this was a bad idea, but he proceeded to place several fist-size stones on the rail. I took cover a good hundred yards away as he sat in wait, twenty yards from the tracks. Soon we heard the train approaching. He crouched down and put the camera to his face. As the train flew by, he fell flat on his back!

Exactly what I had thought would happen, happened. The train sent stone shrapnel flying straight toward him, and one piece hit him in the face. I ran to his side. He was spitting out blood and two broken teeth. Despite the look of horror and surprise on his face I couldn’t help but laugh. I’d warned him! “At least, did you get the shot?” I asked.

He gave me a look that said he wanted to kill me.

When he developed the film, he found an “action shot,” all right. It was a blurred picture of the top of the train and the sky above it, snapped as he fell backward. I suggested posting the photo in his classroom along with a picture of his two broken teeth, and a sign explaining the dangers of playing with trains.

This man, a teacher, is a role model for the next generation!

Reference: Anonymous eyewitness account

At Risk Survivor: Never Change

Confirmed True by Darwin

JANUARY 2006, AUSTRALIA

Who would risk his life for some pocket change? A Darwin Award nominee, of course! A thirty-five-year-old Sydney man lost some change down a storm-water drain. Most sensible people would just let it go, especially as it had been raining. In fact, all sensible people would let it go.

Not our man. He just could not let loose change go. He removed the cover from the sewer, lay down on the road, and stuck his head and upper body down the drain. In this position, fishing around for coins, his lower body was lying across the road.

His financial plans went wrong when a Ford SUV turned the corner. The driver, of course, failed to notice him. One does not expect to see half a person lying on the roadbed. The vehicle’s bumper struck the man.

Our nominee was rushed to St. Vincent’s Hospital in serious condition, with a broken pelvis and internal injuries. Had he been run over by the tire instead of struck by the bumper, police say it is likely he would not have survived.

Loose change is not worth the risk!

Reference: smh.com.au

At Risk Survivor: Bed of Embers

Confirmed True by Darwin

APRIL 2007, TENNESSEE