The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool (6 page)

A family member said, “Sara was mischievous, to be honest.” The pair pulled down the eight-foot balloon and climbed inside for a breath of helium goodness. Their last words consisted of high-pitched, incoherent giggling, as they slowly passed out and passed into the hereafter.

Sheriff’s deputies said the two were not victims of foul play. They climbed into the balloon of their own volition, and no drugs or alcohol were involved.

Reference:
The Tampa Tribune, The St. Petersburg Times,
CNN

Darwin Award: The Alchemist

Confirmed True by Darwin

10 DECEMBER 2007, RUSSIA

As a child Sergei promised his grandmother, “I will establish for you the elixir of immortality! I want you to live forever.” As an adult we find Sergei sitting in his college biology class, licking potassium cyanide off his palm. He had found that magic elixir! He swallowed poisons daily, to strengthen his body and protect himself from death. He regularly consumed small quantities of toxic mushrooms, arsenic, and cyanide salts, and urged others to join him. During daring nighttime excursions Sergei often said, “I shall not die. I have swallowed poison for years and today nothing can kill me.”

After swallowing the cyanide he began to feel ill and asked his classmates to fetch some water. But instead of drinking plain water, he dissolved the rest of the cyanide powder in it and consumed the solution. Sergei was an intelligent student, interested in chemistry and anatomy. He had earned a gold medal and had been accepted into both the Medical Academy and the Ural State University. But Sergei’s scientific premise was flawed.

Instead of immortality he had discovered the elixir of mortality. He went into convulsions, slipped into a coma, and died without regaining consciousness. His father praised Sergei as a gifted chemist who died for the sake of science.

Reference: news.rin.ru, news.mail.ru

Darwin Award: Faithful Flotation

Confirmed True by Darwin

AUGUST 2006, LIBREVILLE, GABON

During an impassioned sermon a congregation was surprised to hear their thirty-five-year-old pastor insist that one could literally walk on water, if only one had enough faith. His words were big and bold. He extolled the heavenly power possessed by a faithful man with such force that he may well have convinced himself.

Whether or not he believed in his heart, his speech left room for only shame should he leave his own faith untested. Thus, the fiery pastor set out to walk across a major estuary, along the path of a twenty-minute ferry ride. Even though he could not swim.

Lacking the miraculous powers of David Copperfield, let alone Jesus Christ, this ill-fated cleric found only a damp Darwin Award at the end of his chosen path.

Reference: World Net Daily, fr.news.yahoo.com

Reader Comments:

“In faith all things are possible…. NOT!”

“If only the TV preachers would give it a try.”

“The faithful may drink the water, the foolish will drown in it.”

“An idea that didn’t float!”

Darwin Award: Whitewater Floaters

Confirmed True by Darwin

5 NOVEMBER 1995, ARKANSAS

Tenacity is often advantageous to an organism. Combine tenacity with a lack of common sense and an excess of bravado, however, and the trait may prove deleterious.

An unprecedented ten inches of rainfall had flooded Arkansas rivers over their banks. Stephan, twenty-seven, thought that this was the perfect time to tackle Big Piney Creek, a challenging whitewater run even at normal water levels. Dressed in overalls and a sweat suit, and notably lacking a life vest, Stephan set out with three friends and two rafts “of the type obtained by sending in Marlboro cigarette packs.”

Only a dose of common sense stood between Stephan and glory.

En route to the Big Piney put-in, the four men were stalled at a bridge over Indian Creek. The water was flowing three feet over the bridge, and they could not drive any farther. A crowd of experienced whitewater paddlers had gathered there to pay respectful homage to the freakishly high water. This benevolent group implored the foolhardy party to desist. They warned the men that Indian Creek courses through two miles of dangerous willow jungle before joining Big Piney.

But the men would not listen to reason. They climbed into their lightweight rafts, put in, and immediately capsized. Undeterred by continuing pleas from experienced paddlers, undaunted by the dunking, the men launched again. They managed to stay on the surface for two hundred yards before capsizing downstream.

At this point one man realized he was fighting a losing battle. He bowed out and hiked back to the bridge. Two other men climbed back into their raft, and Stephan decided to venture onward solo in his raft. A half mile later the flotilla had a close encounter with a tree across the stream, and both rafts capsized.

A search party located Stephan’s body later that day.

In the final analysis “these inexperienced and ill-prepared paddlers ignored warnings from a group of obviously knowledgeable paddlers. The absence of a life vest was probably the [second most] significant error.” Despite warnings, despite seeing the cold water flowing menacingly over a bridge, and despite capsizing—Stephan chose to tackle this hazardous river. His tenacity was selected against, removing him from the gene pool.

In conclusion, “Warning unprepared floaters can be unproductive, but it is worth a try.”

Reference: AmericanWhitewater.org

At Risk Survivor: Mushroom Man

Confirmed True by Darwin

4 NOVEMBER 2007, SPAIN

The warning read, “Ingestion of twenty grams is potentially lethal,” but a visitor to the mycological conference in the village of Badajoz disagreed with the official assessment of
Amanita phalloides
, commonly known as the death cap mushroom.

Forty-five-year-old Jesus knew mushrooms. He had spent the past few days collecting and exhibiting mushrooms. He began arguing with conference attendees, and to prove his point he picked up the display specimen and began chewing on half of it. Aghast onlookers begged him to spit it out but he calmly finished chewing, swallowed, and went on to consume the remaining half of the poisonous basidiomycete fungus.

Jesus, clearly under the influence of alcohol, insisted that the next few hours would prove who was right and who was wrong. Indeed they did. An ambulance was summoned, and despite heated opposition, a friend finally convinced the amateur mycologist to get into the ambulance.

It was lucky that his friend was persuasive. Once in the hospital Jesus started to show the typical signs of death cap poisoning: bloating, jaundice, and continuous vomiting. He spent two days in the intensive care unit before being transferred to a standard hospital bed.

The mayor of the town paid a visit to the foolhardy mycologist in the hospital. Although the man was aware that his liver showed extremely high levels of transaminase, an enzyme produced when the liver has to process toxic substances, he told the mayor that he was still convinced that the mushroom is harmless. Maybe a second try will make him a worthy Darwin nominee.

Reference:
El Mundo
newspaper (Spain), www.20minutos.es

Reader Comment:

“Liver Die.”

At Risk Survivor: Splitting Headache

Unconfirmed

SEPTEMBER 2007

Darwin says: “This is my favorite story!”

A man was splitting seasoned wood early one autumn in preparation for the quickly approaching winter. One after another he would drive his sharp ax through a log, then toss the split wood onto the pile. He was making light work of the logs when he came to one with a particularly large diameter.