Read The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool Online
Authors: Wendy Northcutt
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Anecdotes, #General, #Stupidity, #Essays
The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool (4 page)
At Risk Survivor: Buffalo Stampede
In Yellowstone Park near a field where wild buffalo graze, the roadside parking lot is lined with explicit warning signs. Buffalo are dangerous! Then a car from California pulled in….
At Risk Survivor: A Salty Tale
Idaho | A few people out cow-tipping made so much noise that they woke the farmer. The farmer came running out with a shotgun, yelling, “Get out of my fields!”
At Risk Survivor: Snake in the Grass
Scotland | A hiker picked up a harmless grass snake so his brother could take a picture. Just as he reached for it, a black adder slithered into view….
Oregon | An amateur snake collector caught a twenty-inch rattlesnake on the highway. Three weeks later, his captive took its revenge….
Florida | A scuba diver attempted to kiss a nurse shark. He had kissed hundreds of sharks before….
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, sweet-feed it corn for a few weeks, then butcher it. Corn-fed venison! Yum….
win
wads®
NEXT EVOLUTION
A
BOUT THE
D
ARWIN
A
WARDS
“Just think how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are even stupider!”
—George Carlin
The Darwin Awards, named in honor of Charles Darwin, salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally remove themselves from it—thereby ensuring that the next generation is descended from one less idiot. We applaud the heroic self-sacrifice of these noble men and women, who gave their all to improve the human race.
Of necessity, this Award is usually bestowed posthumously.
Chapter 9: FAQ tells you all about the rules, our history, and the source of new stories. There you will find answers to philosophical questions, and helpful tips to avoid winning a Darwin Award yourself. Meanwhile, dive into this collection of stories about people who swim in the shallow end of the gene pool.
M
ISCELLANEOUS
M
ISHAPS
The most inventive Darwin Awards are impossible to shoehorn into a category: Roofs and balconies, elevators, chemicals, helium, river rafts, an ax, a Kevlar vest, a paint gun, vodka, bicycles, tires, and a surfboard! The book begins with a random assortment of mayhem perpetrated by Darwin Award winners and their wannabe cousins, the At Risk Survivors.
Darwin Award WINNER: The Enema Within
Confirmed True by Darwin
21 MAY 2004, TEXAS
Do you really want to know about The Enema Within?
Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor, well, rectally. His wife said he was addicted to enemas and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation.
Michael couldn’t imbibe alcohol by mouth due to a painful throat ailment, so he elected to receive his favorite beverage via enema. And tonight, he was in for one hell of a party. Two 1.5-liter bottles of sherry, more than a hundred fluid ounces, right up the old address!
“He was addicted to enemas.”
When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out), the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.
The fifty-eight-year-old machine-shop owner did a pretty good job of embalming himself. According to toxicology reports his blood alcohol level was 0.47 percent.
In order to qualify for a Darwin Award a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an “astounding misapplication of judgment.” Three liters of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.
Reference:
Houston Chronicle,
Seattle Post-Intelligencer,
TheAge.com.au, Reuters
Darwin notes: My e-mails reveal that alcohol enemas are far more common than I would have imagined. Apparently the alcohol is absorbed more quickly through the capillary beds of the rectum, a fact exploited by an alarming number of party animals.
Reader Comments:
“Up the hatch.”
“Drunk off my ass.”
“Rectum? Hell, no, it killed him.”
“Takes shit-faced to a whole new level.”
“He earned the Award—no ifs, ands, or butts about it.”
“This puts a new light on the old saying, ‘Up yours, mate!’”
“A drop never touched his lips.”
“Coitus alcoholus.”
“Bottoms up!”
Darwin Award: Modern Armor
Confirmed True by Darwin
26 AUGUST 2006, LEICESTER, ENGLAND
Darren’s death was a mystery. The thirty-three-year-old was found slumped over in the hallway of his house, bleeding from stab wounds to his chest. Police initially assumed that an assailant had attacked him, but they could find no supporting evidence. A year later, the inquest revealed why Darren can stake his claim to a place among the winners of the Darwin Award.
Darren had called a friend, but minutes after he hung up, he rang back to ask for an ambulance. The front door was found ajar, and Darren was discovered lying near a bloodstained lock-knife he had purchased whilst on holiday in Spain. The circumstances of his death were puzzling. Forensics investigators saw no indication of a struggle, and the coroner reported that the stab wounds seemed to be self-inflicted. However, Darren had shown no suicidal tendencies.
