The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool (27 page)

I have made changes in my life due to reading thousands of Darwin Awards submissions. One change was no longer using a chair with wheels to reach a high place. The hardest change was to stay off my cell phone while driving.

I did it. You can do it. Get off the phone!
Save a life.

FAQ: What is with the science essays?

I’m a scientist. I like science! The Darwin Awards are based on the scientific premise that humans are still evolving. Fans often write serious technical dissections of individual stories. A large portion of my readers are college students, or first heard about the Darwin Awards while in college. The science essays are relevant and keep me interested in the job. Charles Darwin would be disappointed in me if I focused only on humor and didn’t contribute to scientific knowledge!

FAQ: What do the families think? Do you get their permission?

How awkward would that be?!

If a family writes to me, I take their concerns seriously. Sometimes I remove the story. I don’t want to cause anyone pain. Sometimes the family realizes that death has more meaning if it serves as a cautionary tale and saves someone else’s life. Often they confide more stupid things that the winner did, prior to his death. Like an Irish wake, it can be healing to laugh while you grieve. That’s human nature.

From a recent e-mail: “Many years ago my two uncles started roughhousing at our Christmas gathering. At one point Uncle Frank picked up Uncle John by the heels, lost his grip, and dropped Uncle John on his head. It was all right because John was a state supreme court justice and there for life. The other uncle is, I am sure, in your archive. The one about the skydiving photographer who forgot to put on a chute…?”

FAQ: What inspired you to do this?

Waiting for my science experiments to run their courses was at times tedious. Lee Kozar taught me how to make a website by viewing the source of other web pages and copying the HTML. The Internet was young then, and changing quickly. Boredom was the driving force behind my website, which included personal vignettes as well as the Darwin Awards.

Boredom: the underappreciated motivator.

FAQ: How many stories? How many books? How many more?

In your hands you hold the fifth book.

In June 2008 there were 750 stories on the website. About 600 have been published in five books in twenty-three languages. I will keep writing stories as long as there are stories to write! Or my fingers fall off. Or I win a Darwin Award myself.

FAQ: What is your favorite story?

The Darwin Awards archive was born on a Stanford University web-server in 1994. Its cynical view of the human species made it a favorite subject of conversation in classrooms, offices, and pubs around the world. News of the website spread by word of mouth, and submissions flew in from far and wide. As the archive grew, so did its acclaim.

The website matriculated to its own domain in 1997, won dozens of Internet awards, and now ranks among the top three thousand most-visited websites. It currently entertains a million visitors per month in its comfortable Silicon Valley home. Guests are welcome to set off fireworks and bounce on the trampoline.

The locus of the Darwin Awards community is www.Darwin Awards.com. New accounts of terminal stupidity appear daily in the public Slush Pile. Visitors can vote on stories, sign up for a free e-mail newsletter, and share their opinions on the Philosophy Forum—a community of free thinkers who enjoy philosophical, political, and scientific conversations.

Pete McDonnell
(www.mcdonnellillustration.com) is a freelance illustrator/cartoonist who has created advertising and editorial art for many clients: Microsoft, Southwest Airlines’
Spirit
magazine, Cisco Systems,
National Geographic Kids
magazine,
The Washington Post,
The History Channel, Neiman Marcus,
Sports Illustrated Kids
magazine, Green Giant, Dark Horse Comics, Benefit Cosmetics,
Cracked
magazine, and many others.

He also illustrated
The Darwin Awards: Intelligent Design,
published in 2006. He lives in a small town in northern California with his wife and irrepressible young son.

Jay Ziebarth
is an Internet cartoonist, award-winning flash/web designer, TV star, and college dropout. His work has been featured in books, calendars, and greeting cards; it has also circled the globe via his popular cartoon website, zeebarf.com. Jay cocreated the Gemini Award–winning Canadian animated TV series
Sons of Butcher
. In addition to being the lead character designer, he also starred in the series, which currently airs in 150 countries.

Jay resides in Hamilton, Ontario, with his wife and cat, where he creates dazzling web games and rarely leaves his office.

Wendy studied molecular biology at Berkeley, worked in a neuroscience research laboratory at Stanford, and later joined a biotech start-up developing treatments for cancer and diabetes. She wrote the Darwin Awards while waiting for her dastardly genetic manipulations to yield results.

Eventually Wendy shrugged aside the lab coat in favor of an off-beat career. She now writes both code and prose for the Darwin Awards website. Much of her time is spent wishing she could catch up. In her free time, Wendy chases eclipses, dines, dances, and inhabits an increasingly eccentric wardrobe. Her interests include reading, cats, gardening, glassblowing, natural dyework, fondling textiles, and observing human nature.

A Breathtaking View (Darwin Award)

A Cow-ardly Death (Darwin Award)

A Highly Improbably Trajectory (At Risk Survivor)

A Prop-er Send-off (Darwin Award)

A Salty Tale (At Risk Survivor)

A Slippery Slope (At Risk Survivor)

A Slow Burn (Darwin Award)

Absolutely Radiant (Darwin Award)

airline safety regulations

Alchemist, The (Darwin Award)

alcohol

alcohol, and planning ahead

alcohol, beer

alcohol, on fire

alcohol, sherry

alcohol, vodka

Amanita phalloides

Ammo Dumps (Darwin Award)

animal, bear

animal, bees

animal, buffalo

animal, cow

animal, deer

animal, dog

animal, elephant

animal, fish

animal, mole

animal, rabbit

animal, shark

animal, snake

animal, tiger

arson

augur

ax

balcony

barbecue

Barn Razing (Darwin Award)

Bed of Embers (At Risk Survivor)

Beer for Bears (Darwin Award)

bees

Bicycle Chain of Accidents (At Risk Survivor)

Big Bang Theory (Darwin Award)

Bite Me! (At Risk Survivor)

bomb, amateur

Breathless (Darwin Award)

Breathtaking View (Darwin Award)

Brothers Well-Met (At Risk Survivor)

bucket, plastic

Buffalo Stampede (At Risk Survivor)

bulletproof jacket

butane

camera

Catching a Buzz (At Risk Survivor)

Caulker Burner (At Risk Survivor)

cell phone

chainsaw

charcoal embers

Chemistry Went to Her Head (Darwin Award)

chili peppers

Chivalry Rebuffed (At Risk Survivor)

cigarette

clothesline, as a bowstring

Clotheslined! (Darwin Award)

construction worker

Copper Kite String (Darwin Award)

copper wire, creative use of

copper wire, theft of

Cow-ardly Death (Darwin Award)

criminal

Crushing De’feet (Darwin Award)

Crutch, Meet Crotch (Darwin Award)

cyanide

death, bicycle

death, bovine

death, by bear

death, by camera

death, by chainsaw

death, by enema

death, by snowmobile

death, by tiger

death, by tree

death, chemical

death, crushing

death, cyanide

death, drowning

death, electricity

death, elephant

death, elevator

death, explosion

death, falling

death, fire

death, fireworks

death, guitar

death, gunshot

death, helium

death, impact

death, motorcycle

death, radiation

death, sex

death, shopping cart

death, snakebite

death, stabbing

death, vehicle

death, water

death, wood chipper

deer

Descent of Man (Darwin Award)

dirt bike

Ditched (Darwin Award)

diver

divorce

dog

drowning

drug user

drunk driving

ducttape

dynamite

electrician

electricity

Electronic Fireworks (Darwin Award)

Elephants Press Back (Darwin Award)

elevator

Enema Within, The (Darwin Award)

Evolution Is Screwy (Science Interlude)

exercise

explosion

explosion, ammunition

explosion, bomb

explosion, butane

explosion, car

explosion, chemical

explosion, fireworks

explosion, fluorescent bulb

explosion, grenade

explosion, paperweight

Faithful Flotation (Darwin Award)

falling

Falling in Love (Darwin Award)

FAQ (Answers to Questions)

farmer

feces

fire

fireworks

fish

fisherman

Flaming Shot (At Risk Survivor)

Flower Power (Science Interlude)

Flyswatter (At Risk Survivor)

Footloose in the Footwell (At Risk Survivor)

Four Great Ideas (Darwin Award)

Frequently Asked Questions

Gag Reflex (At Risk Survivor)

Garden Bomb (Darwin Award)

Going to Seed (Darwin Award)

gonads

Great Dying (Science Interlude)

guitar

gun

gun, paintball

Hammer of Doom (Darwin Award)

He Kicked the Bucket (At Risk Survivor)

Head Shot (At Risk Survivor)

Hedge Your Bets (At Risk Survivor)

helium balloon

Helmet Head (At Risk Survivor)

High on Life (Darwin Award)

Highly Improbable Trajectory (At Risk Survivor)

Hook, Line, and Sinker (At Risk Survivor)

Hot Rod (At Risk Survivor)

Humanity (Science Interlude)

Hurdles (At Risk Survivor)

hydrogen

ice

insurance

Into the Abyss (Darwin Award)

kite

Kittie Toy (Darwin Award)

lawyer

Lifestyles of the Slimy and Contagious (Science Interlude)

macho

marijuana

medical

Merry Pranksters (Darwin Award)

Mexican Divorce (At Risk Survivor)

military

missionary kid

Modern Armor (Darwin Award)

Molten Copper Shower (At Risk Survivor)

money, insurance scam

money, rescue of

motorcycle

Mushroom Man (At Risk Survivor)

naked

near death, augur

near death, ax

near death, bees

near death, buffalo

near death, camera

near death, deer

near death, drowning

near death, electricity

near death, explosion

near death, falling

near death, fireworks

near death, fluorescent bulb

near death, gun

near death, lawn mower

near death, marijuana

near death, mushroom

near death, paintball gun

near death, poppy seed

near death, rock salt

near death, rocket

near death, shark bite

near death, snakebite

near death, stoning

near death, SUV

near death, Taser

near death, vacuum cleaner

near death, vehicle

near death, vodka

near death, water

neighbors

Never Change (At Risk Survivor)

Not a Shred of Sense (Darwin Award)

nuclear plant

On the Piste (Darwin Award)

Orca Made Me Do It (Darwin Award)

Organ Donors (Darwin Award)

paintball gun

Pierced! (Darwin Award)

Pining Away (Darwin Award)

plutonium

poison, self-administered

priest

Prop-er Send-off (Darwin Award)

propane

Pulling a Boner! (Darwin Award)

Pushmi-Pullyu (Darwin Award)

radiation

rafting

rape, bestial

rectum, and alcohol

Red Hot Chili Peppers (At Risk Survivor)

Remember the
Hindenburg
(At Risk Survivor)

Revenge of Mother Love (At Risk Survivor)

river

RoboCop (At Risk Survivor)

Rock Out (Darwin Award)

rocket

Rolling Stones (Darwin Award)

Roping a Deer (At Risk Survivor)

Roundabout Rocket (At Risk Survivor)

Salty Tale (At Risk Survivor)

school

Score One for Goliath (Darwin Award)

sex, bestial

sex, rooftop

Shark Kiss (At Risk Survivor)

Shattered Ego (At Risk Survivor)

shooting range

Shopping Cart Crash (Darwin Award)

Silage Spreader (Darwin Award)

skiing

sledgehammer, improper use of

Slippery Slope (At Risk Survivor)

Slippery When Wet (Darwin Award)

Slow Burn (Darwin Award)

Snake in the Grass (At Risk Survivor)

snake, adder

snake, rattlesnake

snow

snowmobile

sodium

Spirit Is Willing, The (At Risk Survivor)

Splitting Headache (At Risk Survivor)

Star Wars (At Risk Survivor)

sterile, by crotch impact

sterile, from fishing

sterile, gunshot

Stop, Look, Listen (Darwin Award)

Storm-Water Surfer (At Risk Survivor)

Stubbed Out (Darwin Award)

students

Sudden Stop (Darwin Award)

Support Group (Darwin Award)

surfing

Tales from the Finnish Forest (At Risk Survivor)

Taser Test (At Risk Survivor)

teacher

That Was Your Brain on Drugs (Science Interlude)

The Alchemist (Darwin Award)

The Enema Within (Darwin Award)

The Flaming Shot (At Risk Survivor)

The Great Dying (Science Interlude)

The Humanity (Science Interlude)

The Turn of the Screw (At Risk Survivor)

Thou Shalt Not Steel (Darwin Award)

tiger, Bengal

Timing Is Everything (Darwin Award)

tire

train

trash compactor

travel, danger of

tree

tree, palm

tree, pine

tuberculosis, military

TV

TV cable

Unfinished Project (At Risk Survivor)

uvula

vacuum cleaner

vehicle

vehicle, as a winch

vehicle, borrowed

vehicle, hurdling

vehicle, motorcycle

vehicle, pickup truck

vehicle, ship

vehicle, snowmobile

vehicle, stolen

vehicle, tractor

vehicle, truck

vehicle, VW

videotape evidence

Wascally Wabbit (Darwin Award)

water

water, drain

water, harbor

water, Ketting Bay

water, ocean

water, rain