The Day Of The Wave (11 page)

'It's a bit weird,' I tell him, trying to keep the emotion out of my voice now. 'But it looks so different now. It's all changed. I'm going with my friend to see a school they built.'

'Is this the friend you bumped into, who found you that posh resort?' he asks. I swing the iPad round so he can see it and he whistles in appreciation. 

'Yes, that's him,' I say, and then I wish I hadn't. There's silence. I can see in Colin's face that he's processing my words now.

'Him? So it's a bloke?'

Shit. I don't know what to say now, and neither does he, I can tell. He has no hold on me anymore; not officially anyway. 'Yes,' I manage as my palms turn clammy around the iPad. 'He runs a dive shop now.'

'You're going scuba diving, too?' Colin asks in surprise.

'As if.'

He clears his throat, but there's something different in his voice now. 'Well, how long are going to stay there for?'

'Till I get my passport sorted out. I'm waiting to hear if the police find my other one first.'

'Don't count on it, babe,' he says predictably and slightly condescendingly. 'Let me know if you need any more money.' The way he called me babe hits a nerve. 

'Thanks, I'll handle it.'

'I miss you, Izzy,' he says quickly, looking directly at the camera. 'You know that don't you? I'm so glad you're facing this head on. I'm proud of you. But I'm so sorry about what I did and I do miss you. Sega misses you.'

My throat dries up. I can see right into his greeny brown eyes through his glasses. I can picture sitting there with him not so long ago, watching a Friends marathon on that sofa as I snuggled into his chest. The way it used to be. I can't tell him I miss him too, though, even if I do a bit. I miss the old him, anyway. When I don't reply he sighs. 'I'd better get to bed,' he says. 'Got to get out early for the Sainsburys shop.'

'You're not getting it delivered?' 

He lowers his eyes. He knows I found that email when I was looking for the Sainsburys account. Colin used to do a Sainsburys shop every weekend anyway, before we moved in together. He'd take a giant backpack with him for all the special offers. Being in credit control he's always been very strict with his spending. I can picture him bright and early, zipping up his waterproof jacket and unfolding the fold-up bicycle he used to store in the hallway that smelled like old shoes. Our flat was so much nicer. My insides churn.

'I love you, I'll talk to you later,' he says.

'I don't have much WIFI round here,' I reply. He chews on his cheek in contemplation but I can't look at him anymore. I say bye and swipe him away.

'Morning!' Ben calls out a moment later, just as I'm finishing my second coffee. He walks with Justin towards me and I notice their height difference instantly now that we're not all sitting down. Ben's at least a foot taller. 

'Ready?' he asks. He's wearing a baseball hat that's making his hair stick out wildly around the sides. I realize I'm still riled up from my call with Colin and I haven't signed my bill.

'Yup, I'm ready, one sec,' I say, motioning to the waiter for a pen. I need to sign to let them know I've eaten, though allegedly it's free. Ben won't tell me what I owe him. I hope he's not going to insist on paying. 'How was the dive?' I ask.

'We went to the wreck, it was pretty good. Good visibility.' I notice Ben's hands again as he leans them on the table, looks at my iPad. They're big, like my dad's were. The fine hair on his arms is sandy in the morning light, like it is on his bare chest. He's wearing a blue T-shirt now though; one that shows his muscles to perfection. I think again how it's so sexy, the way he's so toned. He's so different to Colin. I know I shouldn't compare them but I can't help it. 

I fell for Colin because aside from being a genuinely nice guy who had his whole life sorted out, he was always such a man's man; a provider, a nurturer, the kind of guy who knew things, like how to cook and wire plugs. He never had muscles like Ben's though. Is this what scuba diving does, I wonder? Lifting all those heavy tanks, dragging boats in and out, swimming against currents? Maybe I should try it. 

I catch myself.
I am never going in that water.

'OK, done,' I say once I've signed the piece of paper and the waiter's wandered off with it. Justin grins as I stand up. 'I'll put my iPad in my room, wait here,' I tell them, self-conscious again.

I race off, drop my iPad back, check myself in the mirror. I'm wearing my bikini underneath my clothes, just because it seemed like the right thing to do. The French girls were wearing them last night and they weren't swimming either. I contemplate mascara - I'm a mess in Thailand. A hot and sweaty mess. I scold myself as I realign my Body Shop bath salts. I'm also an idiot. 

'Let's go scoot!' Justin calls when I get back, and Ben leads us out of the restaurant and back down the path towards the bikes. I wasn't going to ride again, but it doesn't look like there's any alternative round here. I take the helmet I'm offered, climb on behind Ben. Justin has his own scooter. 'Don't get these in Sydney!' he tells me, revving the engine to life. 'Well we do, but you can imagine running the thing. Fifty times the price and the traffic would be bonkers!'

I smile at him. He does make me laugh. He's so enthusiastic about everything and I guess he lightens the mood. 

We're on the road in minutes. My arms are locked tight around Ben again and I realize my heart is pounding in my ears. I can't stop the guilty feeling that blazes through me when I think of Colin's face on that call just now; how he looked when he realized I was with a guy.

God, Izzy. Stop.

This isn't just about him, or Ben. Something had to change. Everywhere I look I see what happened... but it's worse here, at the heart of it. I see the water, and what came after the wave. I hear the screaming. Even looking over the swimming pool this morning made me think of how it was - the one at our resort. It was filled with an upturned car and a dead dog trapped in a cage, and the room my parents had gone back to was demolished. 

'It's not far, hold on tight,' Ben says. I do as he tells me, feeling his abs under my hands as he points out the tsunami escape routes along the way. There are lots of signs now, all of them triangles with pictures of a man looking at a big squiggly wave. They're a comfort and a reminder all at once. I groan into the wind. I have so many
gratitudes
right now. I'm grateful for sleeping a night by the ocean, for putting my feet in it, eating dinner on the sand and knowing this amazing man is alive and doing incredible things. Maybe that's all I need. Maybe I should get a new a passport ASAP anyway. I could still go to Bali on my own.

'Whooooo hooooooo!' Justin zooms out from behind us now and overtakes, grinning and honking his horn. Ben laughs and I feel his back shaking. I realize I've got my cheek pressed to it again. 

'You're insane!' I yell at Justin, watching his
I heart Bangkok
shirt blowing out behind him. But I'm laughing at him now, too. A group of local guys carrying freshly-caught fish on sticks stop and wave as we roar past. They're wearing nothing but shorts. Colin would never see that on his fold-up bicycle, on his way to Sainsburys. 

We pull up finally at a dusty patch of dirt by a large, one-story concrete building. There are grassy hills around us, a small field with goalposts and a swing set on a dusty playground. Before I can even take my helmet off, a bunch of maybe fifteen Thai kids are running up to us, shrieking. 'Hey guys!' Ben calls out, helping me off the bike. 'How was class?'

'Good mister Ben,' they chorus. They're so cute. They're dressed in colorful clothes and as they jump around us they pull us into the middle of a swirling rainbow. They must be six, maybe seven, some of them. All of them are beaming like Santa just pulled up in his sleigh. A western guy steps out of the building wearing jeans and a shirt that's smart but a bit crumpled. 

'Hey buddy, how's it going?' he says, holding his hand out to Ben. Ben shakes it firmly, introduces me and Justin.

'Sorry for interrupting. This is Marcus,' Ben tells us, putting a hand to his shoulder. 'One of our temporary teachers from Boston. When do you leave, man?'

'Next Wednesday,' Marcus says. 'I'm working on a replacement for my shifts, don't worry.'

'That's OK,' Ben says. 'Mind if I show these guys inside?'

'Sure.'

'What have you been learning?' Justin asks the kids, stepping up to the entrance with a girl who's grabbed his hand. He looks bemused and I smile, noting the
Khao Lak School for English
sign above the door. 

'Fruit!', one boy answers him enthusiastically as Ben and Marcus both motion me inside. Some of the kids pile in after us and one little girl with a name badge reading 'Mali' clutches at my hand, grinning up at me. She has pink ribbons in her hair. 

The place is basic, just one classroom. White painted walls are covered in posters of alphabets and sea creatures. There are maybe twenty desks on the concrete floor and a white board at the front is showing pictures of apples, bananas and oranges drawn on it from their lesson. Some shelves at the back are holding plastic boxes full of books and various toys and things. 

'Back inside, guys, sit down!' Marcus calls. Little Mali drops my hand and the kids do as he says obediently, filing into their little wooden chairs and huddling over their notebooks. He picks up the lesson where he left off and Ben lowers his voice to Justin and I.

'We built it five years ago,' he whispers, 'with money from the foundation. In the first ten months we raised almost two hundred thousand dollars. The rest went into housing for the village. We put some of Dream Dive's proceeds back in too, every month. There's always something to buy for this place.'

'That's great,' Justin whispers back, following him with me back to a plaque on the wall by the door. There are names inscribed on it, lots of them and my breath catches as I realize this must be a tiny version of the one out near Baan Nam Khem; the fishing village where so many people died. That's where the biggest memorial is - the wall and the giant wave with the photo of my mom and dad on it.

'The Tsunami Relief Network helped to fund bigger schools elsewhere,' Ben tells us, 'and obviously other charities set up their own stuff, but there was a lot to rebuild, as you know.'

'All these names,' Justin says, frowning as he studies them up close on the plaque. 

'We built this in memory of the friends they lost,' Ben replies, motioning around us. 'Some of these kids and the kids before them all lost friends and siblings and other family members. Every name is someone from the village who died.' He puts a finger to a line on the plaque. 'That's Sonthi's sister,' he says. 'That's his cousin... and this one up here, that's Sasi's brother.'

'Sasi?'

'Sonthi's ex girlfriend. He's still in love with her, he just doesn't say it.'

I realize my eyes are filling up with tears. I swipe a hand across my face as Marcus recites the contents of an English fruit basket behind us. Ben's done so much for this place. I've done nothing. 

Izzy's quiet as the lesson wraps up and we head to the playground, watch the kids rolling on their backs and bellies down the hill. Justin's pushing a couple of girls on the swing set, like the big goofy kid he clearly is. I love the energy here. So many more kids than adults died in the tsunami, but the ones who were left kicked the grown-ups back into action, for sure. They still do. Everything starts with the kids.

'When did you come back here?' Izzy asks me now. 

I turn to her, note the sun on her shiny hair again. She's wearing a bikini under her shirt and I almost want to ask her if she wants to come snorkeling. I don't dare. I know she won't. 'I didn't come back till I was twenty,' I say. 'But Sonthi and I talked a lot before that about our plans. I tried to bring him to the U.S once, but we couldn't get him a visa.'

'So you came back alone?' she asks.

'Yeah. I joined a group of other survivors to raise the money in the end, and Sonthi was on the ground here. By the time I got back the school was almost built.'

'You're amazing, Ben,' she whispers now. She doesn't look at me as she says it. Her eyes are still on the swings, but something in her voice makes me want to reach for her hand again. I don't. 'They love you, all these kids,' she says as one little boy kicks a ball to me. I stand up, kick it back to him. He's tackled instantly to the ground, screeching and giggling in the dirt. It's so goddam hot but they never stop moving. I sit down again, look at her bare legs in her shorts. They've caught some sun now, from sitting on my bike.

'I had to do something,' I tell her. 'I wanted to come back here right away, after my mom took me home, but I wasn't allowed, obviously. I had to finish up school and pretend I was a normal teenager.'

She smiles weakly, nods her head. 'I know that feeling. So you stayed in D.C?'

'Yeah. What about you? Your godmother was the one you told me worked in London, at the magazine, right?'

She nods. 'Maria. You have a really good memory. I lived with her and her husband Tom for a few years, in Watford. That's just outside of London. Then I got work experience and a job, and then another job, and about ninety house shares...'

'Woah, why that many?'

'Well, not quite that many, but...' She looks up at me. I note the freckles around her nose as she frowns. 

'But what?' I say.

'I've lived in a lot of places since my parent's house got sold. I suppose I was always looking for home. The right one, I mean.'

'Did you find it?'

'I thought I did. Turns out I didn't.' She looks away quickly. 'I moved back in with my godmother a few weeks ago. So, you've been here in Khao Lak since you were twenty?' 

I take off my hat, run my hand through my hair again, note the emotions change the expression on her face as she watches the kids. I can tell there's probably a lot she doesn't want to say... unless it's just me she doesn't know how to talk to. 

'I saw the school get set up,' I answer. 'Some older expats were overseeing it, getting equipment in and all that stuff. I travelled. I came here on and off, you know, like a base, but I went away, earned money however I could, worked in bars till I got my scuba instructor certificate. I taught English for a couple of years, too, in South Korea.'