Read The Dead Fathers Club Online
Authors: Matt Haig
Leah was back at school the next day which was the 5th of November.
She was still coughing but she was a bit better and at first break we sat under one of the big Hs on the Rugby field. Leah was lying down on her back with her jacket over her like a duvet and she said Why were you acting mental when you came round at the weekend?
I said I dont know. Im sorry. I dont know its
She coughed in her hand and said You were well freaky.
I knew that if I didnt dare finish Leah Id never dare kill Uncle Alan and I wanted to make Dads Ghost pleased again. All I had to do was finish her but I was worried my mouth wouldnt work so I got the words ready in my head and I forced them behind my lips. My brain kept pushing until the words all fell out really fast with no spaces LeahIvegottofinishyouwecant-GoOutanymore.
I didnt look at her when I said this because I didnt want to.
She sat up and said What?
I said Leah Ive got to finish you we cant Go Out any more.
She said You what?
I said Leah Ive got to fin
Her cough was gone and she said You? Youre finishing me?
I nodded my head.
She said Why? Is it because of my nose?
I said Whats the matter with your nose?
She was standing up and shaking her head and she said You cant finish me.
I said Why?
She said You cant.
I said Im sorry.
And then she picked up her coat and picked up her bag and she kicked me in the back really hard and walked away from me and back to school and I stayed under the H and watched her go smaller and smaller until she was a green and grey dot on the yard with all the other green and grey dots and she could have been a girl dot or a boy dot and I kept watching all the others all far away from me screaming and playing and laughing and it was nearly the end of the break so I wiped my eyes and said in my brain Stop crying stop crying.
Remember remember the 5th of November people say because it was the day of the Gunpowder Plot 400 years ago in 1605 which was a long time ago when William Shakespeare who wrote Plays was alive.
Mrs Fell said the Gunpowder Plot was when a group of Catholics wanted to blow up the English Parliament and King James the First and start a Catholic Uprising so that the Catholics could make the country more fair for them.
Mrs Fell said It was very like now a days where some people try and do horrible and violent things in the name of their religion. Or because they think it is the right thing to do. Or because they believe something SO STRONGLY they dont think of anything else but their cause and they would literally kill people who dont have the same beliefs.
She looked sad when she said this and I wondered if she was thinking of her Dad Ray Goodwin.
Charlotte Wards hand went up like a firework and Mrs Fell said Yes Charlotte?
Charlotte said How did they find out about the Gunpowder Plot?
Mrs Fell said One of the men sent a letter to his brother in law who was a Member of Parliament and the letter told him not to go to Parliament on its Opening Day on November the 5th. The letter was given to other important Members of Parliament and they searched the building and found 36 barrels of gunpowder in a cellar under the House of Lords. The men waited there and arrested Guy Fawkes who was the man who was going to light the gunpowder when he entered the cellar.
Jordan Harper was in my History class and he was on the desk behind me whispering Skitso Skitso Skitso and then Helmet Helmet Helmet then Daddy? Daddy? Wheres my daddy?
He was flicking bits of rubber on me and making the Back Row laugh and Mrs Fell said Jordan is something funny? If somethings funny why dont you be kind enough and share it with the whole class? Im sure wed all like to hear it.
My face burnt hot like if Jordan said the truth my head would catch fire but Jordan said No Miss. I was just thinking about Guy Fawkes Miss. About you know what happened to him Miss.
Mrs Fell looked at me with sorry eyes and the eyes made me smaller like I was one inch tall and then she said He was made to speak to King James the First about why he wanted to kill him. And then he was tortured to make him give the names of the other men.
Jordan Harper said What kind of torture?
Mrs Fell said The rack.
Jordan Harper said Whats that?
Mrs Fell said It was a machine that pulled peoples arms and legs in opposite ways so the arms were pulled one way and the legs were pulled the other way. It was very painful.
Jordan Harper said Cool.
Mrs Fell said No. Not cool Jordan. Not cool at all. It was a very horrible and cruel form of punishment.
Jordan Harper said Did it kill him?
Mrs Fell said No. He was hung drawn and quartered along with the other men. They hung him and then cut him into quarters.
The bell went and everyone went and Mrs Fell said Are you all right Philip?
I said Yes.
She said Are you sure?
I said Yes.
Then I went outside for break.
The gold leaves of the playground came towards me whispering things like warnings and I went out and there were faces all faces everywhere Year Sevens and Year Eights but no one who wanted to talk to me now Leah my force field was gone.
I looked for Ross and Gary but I couldnt see them. It was like they were invisible. But I didnt care not having friends because friends stop you thinking in a straight line and I need to think in a straight line that stops when Uncle Alan stops. It was cold and the air was spitting rain so I went to the shelter near the Science Block but halfway I got grabbed on my back and it was Jordan Harper and Dominic Weekly and Jordan said Get his legs! Get his legs! Get him on the floor!
Dominic put out his leg behind mine and pushed me over it in a Judo way and they were laughing and there were faces watching.
They dragged me over the wet leaves over the concrete scraping my jacket and Jordan Harper was saying Post him!
I was kicking my legs trying to get their hands off my ankles and there were no Teachers nowhere just Year Sevens and Year Eights and the black post in the shelter was getting near and the lines of faces on both sides of me were faces of giants.
Dominic and Jordan got me to the post and my jacket was up in my shoulders and my shirt was coming up. My bare back was scraping the ground and the wet grit was getting in and Agh! the post pushed in my balls and squashed them like fruit and they kept pulling my legs pushing the sicky pain like a punch up inside me.
I heard a voice over the laughing that crashed on top of me and it was a girls voice.
Get off him!
Get off him!
It was Leah and they couldnt have seen it was her because Dominic pushed her back with his elbow. That made me mad and kick my legs but this put the post more into me not just my balls but the bone now like they were going to break me in two and if I was Guy Fawkes Id have given all the names now and told on everyone.
Then Dominic let go of my left leg and I looked to see Dane and he pushed Dominic onto the floor and then he turned to Jordan and he had his fists up and said Come on hard man!
Jordan looked at Danes big square 16 year old fists and Jordan was scared and he dropped my other leg and my balls popped back out of me and I was on the floor coughing the pain out and the people were all going and Dominic lifted himself up and ran away.
Leah walked over to me but Dane grabbed her arm and he pulled her away and I coughed her name but she couldnt hear it and they walked away with Leahs straight hair blowing to me in the spitting wind.
When I got home my back was still stinging but I was trying not to think about it. I left Mum and Uncle Alan and all the others setting up the fire and I got the box of METALLIC SODIUM out of its Hiding Place. I went to the bathroom and I locked the door and I put the box on the floor and I went to the bath and I looked at the shampoos and the bubble baths and there was a box that said Lush! Bath Bomb and I thought that was weird and I got the bottle that said
Â
EVANESCENTS BATH SALTS
Â
These were Uncle Alans Bath Salts that he always put in the water for his bad back and I opened the lid and I poured all the Salts down the sink and ran the tap until they were all gone.
Then I sat on the toilet on the seat. I opened the box of
METALLIC SODIUM
and all the little bits looked nearly the same as the Bath Salts so I poured them into the bottle until it was the same level where the Bath Salts were. Then I screwed up the top of the bottle and put it where it was by the bath and then I went out of the bathroom and put the box of
METALLIC SODIUM
back in the Hiding Place.
I went into my room and looked at the marks on my back from the Posting. I felt some of the marks with my fingers but some of them I couldnt reach with my hand.
I got changed into my jeans and my sweatshirt and I put my scarf on and I put my coat on and I went downstairs and out into the car park. There was a Bonfire and all tables outside where Carla and Renuka were serving drinks and I saw Uncle Alans hand rub Mums back when they were standing in front of the fire and I saw the Guy Fawkes on the fire with his body melting and his head melting like Gertie and the Guppies.
Mum turned and saw me like she had a sixth sense.
She said Sweetheart there you are. I wondered where youd got to.
I said I was just changing.
She said You were a long time.
I lifted up my shoulders.
She said You missed the fire being lit.
Uncle Alan said Just in time for the fireworks. Were setting them off at half six.
I thought in my head that Uncle Alan was going to turn himself into a big firework the next time he had a bath. A big tomato firework splatting all over the walls when the bath explodes KERPOW!!!!!!
I said Oh.
Mum said Theyll be good.
The big tomato said They better be bloody good the amount they cost.
I watched his face glowing orange. His big fat face smiling at Guy Fawkes being eaten by the flames and I wondered if he will haunt me when he is a ghost and if he will try and get his Revenge and escape from the Terrors but I thought there is no one who loves him like I loved Dad. And Mum wont see him because she cant see Dads Ghost.
A man came over and it was a man in a tracksuit and it was Sleepy Eye Terry.
He said All right Alan.
Uncle Alan said Ready for kick off.
Sleepy Eye Terry said What?
Uncle Alan said Well start lighting them at half six.
Sleepy Eye Terry looked at Mum and smiled like he was nervous and I knew why he was nervous. It was because he Smashed the Pub and because he tried to strangle me and then he saw me and jumped like I was a ghost.
He said Hey up.
I didnt say anything I just walked away and I walked behind the tables and Renuka was pouring out drinks from a big bowl with a big funny spoon and she said to me Do you want some punch Philip? Theres a soft one.
I said No.
She said Isnt the fire fantastic?
She smiled a big smile in her small triangle face like she had never seen a fire before like it was three million years ago and I said Yes.
She said Its a great idea isnt it? Having a Bonfire out in the car park.
She was speaking like she was changing my nappy.
I said I dont know.
And then Les Miserable came in his navy blue leather jacket and he asked Renuka a question in his deep down voice without moving his mouth so I went back through the people over to Mum.
Halfway there I heard a voice behind me and it said Oi Stink Bomb.
And I turned round and it was him. It was Sleepy Eye Terry and it was me who jumped now.
I looked for Mum and Sleepy Eye Terry said Its all right. Im not a vampire. I dont bite.
I thought No but you squeeze necks like toothpaste.
I looked back at Renuka and she was pouring Les some punch and not looking at me.
Sleepy Eye Terry said I just wanted to say sorry for the other night in the park.
I said Oh.
He said Its just it was a bad night.
I said Oh.
I looked at him and he looked really sorry but that just meant he was a good actor and a good liar not a good person.
He said The Stink Bomb just pushed me over. It took blooming hours to get it out the carpet. But I flipped out. Im sorry.
And then he didnt squeeze me like toothpaste. He just walked away with his hands in his tracksuit pockets and I went over to Mum and she said Philip whats the matter with you tonight?
I said Nothing.
She said Why were you so rude to Terry?
I said Dont know.
She said He seems like a nice man.
Uncle Alan laughed and said Hes getting better.
Mum made a face that meant What do you mean? in face language.
Uncle Alan said He goes to classes.
Mum said Classes?
Uncle Alan laughed and said Bit of a temper on him. Beat up his wifes car with a baseball bat when she left him.
Baseball bat baseball bat went over in my head like an alarm and I knew it was 100 per cent him who smashed the Pub.
Mum said What and you work with him? And go fishing?
Uncle Alan said Hes a good bloke really. He does voluntary stuff. St Johns Ambulance.
Uncle Alan was lying to make Mum like Terry.
Hes not in St Johns Ambulance because they came to school and he wasnt with them and even if he was in St Johns Ambulance it didnt mean anything. He still tried to squeeze the life out of me.
Uncle Alan went and got Sleepy Eye Terry and they started doing the fireworks. I stayed with Mum and she had her arm round me. The fireworks were all near the Bottle Banks and I looked for Dad but he was in the Terrors and I thought of all the Dead Fathers watching us and I wondered if you liked fireworks when you were a ghost.
The first firework was a Catherine Wheel that went round and round making a weird noise. Then Uncle Alan bent down and lit another firework and it didnt go off and he went back to it and I was saying BLOW UP BLOW UP in my head.
Mum said Be careful.
Uncle Alan stood up and ran and squinted his eyes because his back hurt and the firework went in the air and burst and made an umbrella made of stars in the sky. Everyone clapped apart from the people holding cups who went Whoo. Another firework went off which was the same but went higher up. I looked and watched the yellowy white lines of dots fade and go into the nothing night and there were five more fireworks a pink one a one that didnt go off a one like a big dandelion a one that was just a bang and a green swirly sizzly one that screamed like an animal that was hurt.
And Big Vic said in his big voice Is that it?
And Les Miserable said in his quiet and mumbly voice into his punch Cheapskate.
And some people clapped a little bit and Mum clapped a lot and then everyone started going into the Pub. Uncle Alan and Sleepy Eye Terry moved the tables and Alan said Oof my back.
That made me think he was going to have a bath tonight. But he didnt.