The Dead Fathers Club (18 page)

We were on the motorway going home and Mum said Well go to the Doctors tomorrow after school OK? Well take you to see Dr Crawford tomorrow. OK Philip OK?

We went for one mile which was one minute and then I said Yes OK.

And the motorway went on for ever and Mum said Were going to be late. Id better text Nooks and say Ill be too late for the gym.

Mum got the phone out of her left boob pocket and did the text with one hand and the steering wheel with the other hand with her eyes going phone road phone road.

And I thought we could die now we could crash into the barriers and be in a Pile Up and I liked that thought.

I looked out of the window at the 60 miles an hour grass melting past and the other cars going nearly the same speed and Mums car walked past them and we passed a lorry and the driver looked down at me when we went by and then we passed a car and there were two girls two twins in the back but little girls like they were eight.

They waved at me out of the window.

I just looked at them until they stopped waving and then I looked at the dad and the mum in the front seats and they were laughing and the mum was turning round to the twin girls and the dad was saying something. I dont know what he was saying but it was a nice thing like Do you want to go to the Little Chef?

And I looked at the dad and he was wearing a Polo Neck and he had a beard like Emperor Hadrian who had a scar on his face. That is why he had a beard and I wondered if the man had a scar on his face and I wondered if he went Trick or Treating. He saw me looking at him out of the window and I smiled and he smiled at me and I wondered if he would fancy Mum.

I thought he might do. Mum was prettier than the mum in the car. Mum is not as pretty as Mrs Fell but Mrs Fell is the most pretty woman in England probably.

The dad and mum and twins car was turning off now and the man was never going to meet Mum and fall in love with her and kiss her lips and save her from Uncle Alan.

It was not day and not night now it was a mix and we passed a sign that said Newark 42 and Mum said Lets have some music.

She switched on the radio and it was a song and the woman singing had a voice like a duvet that goes round you and warms you up and I looked at Mum and she had tears shining in her eyes and one tear went down her face rubbing out her Make Up and I said Why are you crying? because I wanted to know why she was crying.

And Mum wiped the tear and went in the Slow Lane and said I dont know Philip please I dont know.

I looked out of the window at the purple clouds in the sky going dark and I closed my eyes and the man like Emperor Hadrian was opening his front door and smiling at his dog and rubbing his hand on the dogs head and the twins ran in the house.

I dont like Dr Crawford.

He is the doctor who made me get my willy half chopped off in the Summer Holidays before Dad died because the skin was too tight when it was thinking about girls. I had to go to hospital and I had to have injections and go to sleep with a nurse counting backwards ten nine eight seven sleep. After the operation I woke up and it was all white like in Heaven but there was pain and I looked inside my pyjamas and there were big stitches like thorns. It wasnt good because I had to walk like a hunchback and not let it touch my pyjama bottoms so I had to hold the elastic really far out like I had an invisible fat stomach. When I went to new school it was still a bit sore but the stitches were out. They just fell out when I used to pick them when I went for wees. In the first week of the new school I had to do Games and it was Rugby so Mr Rosen made us shower. After that Dominic and Jordan called me Helmet because it looks like a helmet on a Roman soldier and Jew Nob and I didnt know why and Dad said Jews have to be Circumsized as well and I said Why? and he didnt know why.

Dr Crawford has glasses. I dont know why he has glasses because he looks over them all the time with his chin in his neck. And Dr Crawford is old. He has lines all over his face like he is a map you cant understand and he said to Mum So whats the matter?

Mum said about my heart beating really fast and my sleep walking and my breathing and my shaking sometimes and my other things and Dr Crawford kept looking at me over his glasses and sitting in his chair with his long crossed legs and nodding fast at Mums words like the words were food and he was a bird eating them.

And when Mum had finished talking Dr Crawford said These are all classic signs of a Panic Disorder which in this case has probably been triggered by the circumsizes of his fathers death.

I dont know if the word was circumsizes but that was what it sounded like.

Mum said Oh.

And he turned his long flamingo legs under his desk and started writing on paper and Mum said Will he be all right?

Dr Crawford said Yes. Im sure hell be all right Mrs Noble. Its just a case of controlling his nervous system and controlling the ADRENALIN that is causing his heart rate to increase.

Mum said I see. So what are they? I mean the pills. Theyre not erm

Dr Crawford said Theyre called DIAZEPAM.

Mum said Are they. You know. Are they. I mean are they OK for children?

Dr Crawford said In the doses I shall be advising yes it is perfectly suitable for children of Philips age.

And Dr Crawford handed Mum the paper and Mum looked at the writing but didnt understand doctor language because only Chemists understand doctor language so she took me over the road to the Chemist and got me the tablets and she said Youll be better now Philip. Youll be right as rain.

I was in the Living Room with Mum on the settee. She wasnt working behind the bar because she wanted to make sure I was OK. She said in a whisper Have you had your third tablet?

I said Yes.

Uncle Alan was asleep on Dads chair in his blue Garage uniform and he was sleeping like a radio in between the stations sometimes saying words I couldnt hear sometimes nose whistling.

I watched the news with Mum.

Mum didnt like the news. She liked watching Famous People eating insects in the jungle. The news was just on because the remote control was under Uncle Alan and Uncle Alan was asleep.

On TV there was a bomb in IRAQ going off and people were dead. Children and grown ups and other people were running with blood on their faces and crying and screaming at the screen like at us. There was a man who was not screaming and he said The people here on the streets of this city are beginning to fear they are caught in an endless cycle of violence.

Mum held my hand and said Its a horrible world.

And I didnt say anything. I just let my head fall on her shoulder and I could smell Mums hair and her shampoo which is Herbal Essences and it was nice. She kissed the top of my head and I wished it was just me and Mum not Uncle Alan making radio noises and my eyes were tired and the TV was going smudgy like the screen was leaking into the room so the colours of IRAQ were mixing with the red carpet in long thin lines like when Dads Ghost comes.

And I said quiet into her shirt and into her boobs Dont marry him.

But Mum couldnt hear so I said it again Dont marry Uncle Alan.

Mum heard this time and she pushed me off her shoulder and said in a shout whisper Philip stop this. Please stop this.

I said Mum dont go to bed with him. Please Mum dont. He killed.

And then I said it without thinking.

He killed Dad.

And Mum just looked at me and I had made tears in her eyes for the 200th time and she said still whispering but crying Philip why are you being like this? Why are you doing this to me? Why are you saying these horrible things? Why wont you stop Philip? Its endless Philip. Endless.

And I think endless was in her head because the news man said it because she never says endless ever.

I said Dads Ghost comes and sees me and he says Uncle Alan was

And Mum spoke over my words and said Philip stop it. Philip stop it. You have to stop it Philip or theyll take you away Philip. Theyll take you away if you talk about seeing ghosts and if you keep smashing things up Philip. Please Philip. Just try Philip. For me. For me Philip. For me.

And then she stopped talking and stopped crying and wiped her eyes and smudged black on her face from her Make Up because Uncle Alan was waking up and reaching his station and rubbing his lips together and wiping his face with his car engine hands.

Uncle Alan looked at the TV and said Is it still the bloody news?

Mum said Yes it is yes.

Uncle Alan said Have you told him?

I felt Mums body pull its laces.

Mum said No.

Then Mum said We can do it on the 22nd.

I said What?

She said Theres been a cancellation.

I looked at the running people on the screen and they were still screaming.

She said At the Registry Office.

Uncle Alan said Isnt that great?

And I looked at him but the Anger Switch in my brain wasnt working. I kept trying and trying to press it but the only thing I was feeling was tired so I didnt do anything. I just fell asleep on Mums shoulder.

Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick went the time before the Wedding and Dads Ghost kept telling me to kill Uncle Alan but I didnt know how and my brain was going slower than normal.

I had an idea of putting the rest of the Metallic Sodium in the sugar bowl because Uncle Alan had five sugars in his tea and the mug would be a bomb and explode in his face.

But then I thought this was a bad idea because Mum sometimes made his tea for him and even when she didnt make his tea she was sometimes in the kitchen with him when he made his tea and she sometimes puts sugar on her Special K so I am going to have to find another way to kill Uncle Alan.

But the days kept tick tock ticking and Dads Ghost said Its the tablets son. Theyre slowing you down. Theres less than a month until the No Time is over. Its 29 days until the 10th of December. 29 days. Even less till the Wedding.

I said I know.

He said Stop taking the tablets Philip. Stop taking them. Theyre making you weak.

Tick tock tick tock tick tock

Theyre making you

Week seven six five four three two one

I said They make me feel better.

Dads Ghost said Stop taking them son. Please. Stop taking them.

Tick tock tick tock tick tock went the days and then I woke up and it was the Wedding morning the 22nd of November.

Mum came into my bedroom and said Have you taken your tablet?

And I said Yes.

But it was a lie.

Uncle Alan had been in the bath. I could smell his new Salts and I could smell his poo in the toilet. I went in the bath and I just lay there and I wasnt thinking anything I was just listening to the tap go drip drop drip drop drip drop drop.

I kept hearing the voices of Mum and Uncle Alan between the drips and the drops and Uncle Alan was saying I dont scrub up bad if I do say so myself.

Mum said Are my shoes OK? Theyre not too much with the dress? Theyre not too high? Do I look all right?

And Uncle Alan said Like a movie star. Like a magazine.

And then Uncle Alan went past the door and down the stairs whistling what hed been whistling all week.

The whistle was Im getting married in the morning ding dong the bells are going to drip drop drip drop drip drop drip drip drip drop.

And Mum said behind the door Philip love. Philip? Philip?

And I said What?

And she said Weve got to be at the Registry Office half an hour early Philip. How are you getting on?

And I said All right.

And Mum said Ill just go and sort Nan out.

And I stayed in a bit more until the water was cold like the coldest Roman bath which is the Frigidarium which is where Romans went after the Tepidarium warm bath and the Calidarium hot bath and then I got out and dried my body and dried my head under the towel and I liked it under the towel. It was like another world. Like a green towel world that was soft.

Uncle Alan was four hours on the motorway just him and Nan the night before. Nan hates him and Uncle Alan hates Nan but human beings always hate each other and pretend they dont. That is what being a human being is about.

I went out of the bathroom in my green towel like a skirt and I went into my bedroom.

Mum had got my suit out and it was the same suit I had for Dads funeral but with a light white shirt not a dark blue shirt. I looked at the suit on the bed and it looked weird like someone had run over me with a steam roller or turned me flat like paper.

Mum was talking to Nan downstairs but I couldnt hear the words. I put the suit on. I tucked the shirt in after I put the jacket on and that made it hard. My brain was still a bit slow from the tablets but it was speeding up. Then I put the tie on and when I was putting the tie on I wasnt looking in the mirror I was looking at air that had been water where the fish had been melted.

And I saw Gertie swimming in the air. Just Gertie on her own swimming. I tried to touch her but there was nothing there and I went out of the room and stood on the top of the stairs and Uncle Alan was coming up the stairs in elephant steps and he said All right lad?

I said Yes.

He was wearing his tight suit with his neck pouring out.

He said Shall I sort your tie out son?

I said What?

He said Your ties all wonky.

I said Oh.

He said Shall I do you a knot like mine?

I looked at Uncle Alans knot. It was a small triangle upside down and he said Its a Windsor knot.

I said I dont know.

He said Its a special Wedding knot.

I didnt want him to do me a Windsor knot but his big hands were already on my tie and he was undoing it and then he lifted my collars up and I thought he might squeeze the life out of me like Sleepy Eye Terry wanted to and Mum and Nan wouldnt hear. But he didnt.

I saw Dads Ghost on the stairs behind Uncle Alan and I was on the top stair and Uncle Alan was two steps down so I could see over his shoulder and Dads Ghost said Now is the time Philip.

I said What?

Uncle Alan was putting the tie through the knot and he said I didnt say anything.

Dads Ghost said This is your moment Philip. Push him down the stairs Philip. Push with all your strength son.

I said I I I

Uncle Alan said Are you all right son?

Dads Ghost said Kill him kill him now Philip. Before he marries her.

I said I dont want to.

Uncle Alan said Ive nearly finished it now lad.

Dads Ghost said Do it Philip. Do it before its too late.

And I closed my eyes and lifted up my hands and my Dads Ghost said Push him Philip. Push him.

And I was going to push him. I was going to do it. But I heard Mum at the bottom of the stairs and she said Whos that handsome man?