The Disappearing Girl (11 page)

The discomfort slipped off his face and his eyes warmed as he stared in my direction. “Yes, just my father being a pain. He means well, but he seems to forget sometimes I’m an adult. Let’s not get into it now; I’d rather have a fun night with my beautiful girlfriend.”

I could tell the subject was closed with him and decided to let it go. “Are you cooking?” I asked him incredulously as he walked over to the stove.

“I did invite you over, you know. Of course I’m going to feed you while you’re here.” He turned off one of the burners and looked at me over his shoulder. “I’m not the best cook, but I’m getting better since I started living on my own.”

It was a thoughtful gesture and it took a concentrated effort to not think about how fattening the meal would be. I didn’t want to get sick at his house or offend him by refusing to eat. I could think about ways to get rid of the extra calories later.

Minutes later, he presented me with a plate piled high with spaghetti and chicken Parmesan. My stomach revolted at the sight. I couldn’t eat it without having an exit strategy. Instead of food, I saw calories that would make my body expand to the point where I’d transform back into the unlovable blob I was before I started dieting.

“Kayla?” Cameron’s concerned voice brought me out of my own personal hell. “Is something wrong?”

“No,” I forced out. “I’m just shocked you went to so much trouble. The food looks delicious.”

“I was hoping you’d say that. You seem a little intense when it comes to your diet,” he remarked, twirling a piece of spaghetti on his fork.

I was taken aback by his perceptiveness. I mistakenly believed I was a convincing actress, never revealing how much food ruled my life. I couldn’t let him see the freak I truly was or I’d lose him. Although it killed me a little inside, I lifted the fork and took a bite of the chicken. He smiled across the table at me. I could do this, I thought with determination. This was my existence, constant give and take in order to survive.

I awoke with my head on Cameron’s lap. When I shifted, he tilted his chin down to face me. Brushing a strand of hair away from my eyes, he murmured, “I liked how you felt sleeping in my arms.”

We had settled on his couch after dinner to watch a movie. I needed the distraction. As Cameron held me close, my anxiety over dinner faded and I relaxed into his arms. I must’ve fallen asleep at some point, exhausted from the constant disquiet I felt over my weight.

I sat up and glanced at the clock, it was after eleven. “I guess I should head back to the dorms.”

“Or you can stay over.”

“Or I can stay over,” I parroted back, mimicking his tone.

Reaching across the couch, he took my hand in his. “I’m not pushing you into something you’re not ready for. I was just sitting here thinking about how nice it would be to wake up next to you.”

I shot him a wry grin. “Do you honestly think we could spend the night together in the same bed and nothing would end up happening?”

“Only if you wanted it to …” he trailed off. His fingers ran up my arm and I shivered involuntarily.

My yearning for him was too strong to resist. I scooted over until I was sitting on his lap. Instead of a tender kiss filled with longing, I crushed my mouth against his and began to kiss him passionately.

He kissed me back with just as much fervor and ran his hands down my back. He cupped my behind and tugged me close. I moved my right leg to the left side of him, allowing me to press my body flush against his.

I was gasping for air when I moved my mouth away from his. Kissing his neck, I said in a teasing voice, “You do realize I never got to see that tattoo you told me about.”

His laughter was choked with desire. His eyes were feverish as he stared down at my body, watching how I straddled his waist. My hands inched under the edge of his t-shirt and he helped me remove it. This was the first time I had seen Cameron shirtless, and I was desperately trying not to drool.

Every part of him was cut and lean. My eyes were immediately drawn to the hard muscles of his abs. His arms and chest were toned as well, and I imagined how it would feel to have my lips on his exposed skin.

The tattoo was on his left side, placed inches above his hipbone. The tattoo was of a tombstone, and it held the epitaph, “Everything Was Beautiful, And Nothing Hurt.” The words resonated with me and it brought upon feelings I’d tried to bury. I swallowed audibly as I searched my memory for the source of the quote.

“I didn’t realize you were a Kurt Vonnegut fan. It doesn’t fit with your cheerful persona,” I said.

“It’s my mom’s favorite quote. I’ll warn you again about how it’s never a good idea to get a tattoo after you’ve been drinking.”

I leaned down closer to get a better look, but snapped back up when I realized the suggestive position I’d put myself in. Cameron lightly gripped my hair behind my head and gazed at me intently. “You have no idea how badly I want you right now, but please tell me if we’re moving too fast. I’m trying to show restraint and not rip off your clothes and haul you off to bed.”

I was instantly aroused by the growl in his voice. I couldn’t resist anymore and ran my hands slowly over every hard plane of his sculpted upper body. Stopping at his tattoo, I mindlessly began to trace the outline with my fingertips.

“I want to be with you,” I said, but I couldn’t meet his eyes. “But I’m a reserved person and I’m nervous about getting undressed in front of you.”

His hand rested against my cheek. “You have nothing to be nervous about. I think you’re absolutely beautiful, but I get the sense …” he hesitated. Then he said, “That you don’t realize how gorgeous you are.”

I ducked my head shyly. “You don’t have to say those things; you’ve already won me over.”

Cameron didn’t let me finish. “Kayla, stop. I’m serious. I’ve noticed how little you eat and how much weight you’ve lost since we first met. I have a younger sister, and I understand how extreme some girls can get about their weight. She’s always trying some sort of crazy diet.”

He was scratching at the truth, getting too close to the heart of the matter. I was suddenly ashamed, understanding I hadn’t been able to hide my weaknesses from him after all. Cameron wanted to know all of me and he wasn’t going to permit me shutting him completely out.

Standing up, I felt myself at a crossroads. I could leave, run away from the only happiness I’d known since my father died. Or I could try to work through my issues and trust Cameron not to break my heart.

“You never showed me the rest of your place,” I whispered.

He rose from the sofa and held me tightly. I rested my head against his chest and listened to the frantic racing of his heart. I smiled to myself and found myself falling more and more for him.

I laid awake long into the night. My heart couldn’t stop pounding as I became hyperaware of Cameron sleeping soundly next to me. I was clad only in a t-shirt he had lent me and desire churned in my belly each time my bare legs brushed against him.

My mouth was sore from the ferocity of our kisses. Although there’d been plenty of exploring with hands and lips, we hadn’t slept together. As he pulled at my clothes, I lost my nerve. I didn’t have the confidence for him to see every flaw of my body under the harsh overhead lights in his bedroom. After I confessed I wasn’t ready for sex, he had reassured me we were in no rush. He cradled me against his chest until I pretended to sleep.

Under the cloak of darkness, I was brave. My body was invisible, every imperfection hidden from view. I could pretend I was someone else while being close to the man I cared deeply about.

Climbing on top of him, I wrapped my legs around his waist. My long hair brushed against his bare chest when I bent forward to kiss his neck. My mouth moved down the front of his body until reaching above his belly button.

“Kayla,” he mumbled sleepily.

“Hmmm?”

“Am I dreaming?” he murmured.

I giggled. “Not a dream, just your girlfriend trying to take advantage of you while you’re asleep.”

“Okay, then I won’t interrupt.”

Pulling me closer, he kissed me deeply. His hands moved under my shirt, his fingertips grazing my breasts. I moaned into his mouth, letting him know how much I desired his touch. I pulled the t-shirt over my head and tossed it aside. I fell onto my back and he kneeled over me. His breath was warm as he rained soft kisses on my neck and the top of my breasts.

When his tongue flicked across the peaks of my breasts, I moaned, “Cameron …”

Stopping for a second, he said softly, “You have no idea how many times I’ve thought about you naked in bed with me, calling my name.”

Lord, he was sexy, I thought. The feelings he was inspiring in me were incredible. I hated my body, but I loved the things he was doing to it. Hooking my thumbs around his boxer shorts, I pulled them down. With trembling fingers, I reached for him.

He caught my arm before I could reach him. “Kayla, you’re shaking. Do you want me to stop?”

Absolutely not, I wanted to scream. “I’m nervous,” I told him. “I don’t have a lot of experience and I want things to feel good for you, too.”

He coughed uncomfortably. “Kayla, believe me, I like
everything
you’re doing to me. In fact, I’m trying to give you an out now because I’m not sure how much more I can take.”

I wanted all of him. I tugged him to me and purred into his ear, “I can’t take much more, either.”

Hurriedly, Cameron retrieved a condom from his dresser and put it on. I was convinced my body was made for Cameron’s when he entered me. I’d expected the same awkwardness and fumbling that happened with my high school boyfriend. With Cameron, everything was
right
. I was overwhelmed by the intensity of my feelings and moaned in ecstasy as he took his time, prolonging the pleasure of joining our bodies for the first time.

Afterward, Cameron ran his hands soothingly through my hair, as I lay curled up next to him. “That was the best way to be woken up,
ever
.”

I smiled in the darkness. “I thought you might like that.”

“I did,” he said and kissed my forehead.

“Well, since you’re in such a good mood, maybe it’s a good time to spring something on you.” I wondered if he could hear the strain in my voice.

“What would that be?”

“My mom has been bugging me about meeting you. Since I’ll be home for spring break, I was wondering if you’d come to dinner at our house this week?”

“Of course, I’d like to meet your mom and sister.”

He had no idea what he was getting into. A part of me hoped Cameron would refuse, but I realized my mother would harass me forever if I didn’t introduce her soon. Selfishly, I wanted to keep Cameron to myself, not let him see how truly toxic my home life was.

Chapter Fifteen

“You’re here,” I breathed into Cameron’s ear, greeting him at the door of my mother’s house.

It was a relief to feel his arms wrap around me. After four days with my mother, I was craving the comfort of being with Cameron again. He bent down to kiss me and gave me a boyish smile. “Sorry I’m late; I got stuck on the phone with my mother. Once she heard I was coming here to meet your family, she insisted on having us over for dinner. How does Friday work for you?”

I nodded and took him by the hand into the living room. “Lila, this is Cameron.”

Lila tossed the remote control she was holding aside and twirled around to peer at Cameron. Her lips twisted up into a cynical smile. “So, you’re the credit card guy. You’re not gonna try and sell us something while you’re here, are you?”

Grabbing one of the pillows off of the couch, I launched it in her direction. “Be nice.”

Cameron didn’t look offended and he laughed heartily, his eyes crinkling with good humor. “No problem, I’ll hold off until you’re legally old enough to have a credit card, then I’ll start actively harassing you.”

When we first started dating, I worried Cameron’s job was a touchy subject. Like most things, Cameron was optimistic and didn’t dwell on how much he disliked his career. It was only a job to him and not what he wanted to do for the rest of his life.

Cameron dazzled me. He made me hopeful for my own life and for the possibility I could emulate his attitude one day. I visualized reaching inside him and stealing some of his light to chase away my darker nature.

My smile faded when my mother came out of the kitchen. As much as I stressed that the meeting was casual, she had overdressed. She wore a black-and-white, empire-waist cotton dress with a hem above her knees and a low-cut neckline. Her ebony hair was piled on top of her head to show off her long, graceful neck. My mother was in her mid-forties, but looked like she could be my older sister.

Upon my mother’s insistence that I change, I came back wearing a maxi skirt and white blouse. I had warned Cameron about how difficult my mother could be, but I still wanted to make the introductions go well. If dressing up made her happy, I would surrender this battle in the Cold War we seemed to be in.

I gestured toward Cameron. “Mom, this is Cameron.”

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Marlowe.”

My mom’s hips swayed as she approached him. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. Please, call me Charlotte.”

Lila’s eyebrows darted up and she locked gazes with me across the room. I hadn’t imagined it: My mother’s voice had turned sultry as she greeted my boyfriend.

I coughed into my hand. “Would you like something to drink?” I asked Cameron while my mother continued to stare unabashedly at him. Her eyelashes were thick with mascara and I noticed the way they fluttered, bringing attention to the perfection of her eyes.

“Sure, whatever you have is fine,” he answered.

My mother took his jacket and instructed him to take a seat. When I returned with Cameron’s soda, she had perched in the spot next to him on the couch, forcing me to sit on the loveseat with Lila. Instead of offering up her place upon my arrival, she continued to talk animatedly to Cameron.

My mom was telling him about how excited she’d been to meet him and how she was making sausage and peppers because I told her it was his favorite meal. I paled as I watched her pat Cameron’s knee several times as they spoke.