The Disappearing Girl (13 page)

Cameron seemed to detect my awkwardness over being appraised that way. He said smoothly, “Mom, can you take the basket from Kayla? She looks ready to drop it.”

I smiled gratefully at him before passing the basket to his mom. “I wanted to bring a little something. Thanks for having me over for dinner.”

“Kayla, this is such a nice gesture. Thank you so much!” Maggie trilled.

Scarlett’s eyebrows shot up as she watched her mom gush over my offering. “I hope you used Cameron’s money to pay for that. I’m guessing he’s paying you to pretend to be his girlfriend. You seem way too nice to be dating my brother.”

“Ha-ha,” Cameron said sarcastically. “Ignore her. She’s just jealous because she had to break up with her last boyfriend when he got caught running an illegal gambling ring on campus.”

Cameron’s mother returned from placing the basket in the kitchen and raised her eyes heavenward. “Children, please be nice to each other.” She smiled indulgently and told me, “Sorry for our lack of manners. I think everyone has been just so excited to meet you since Cameron started talking about you.”

I gave Cameron a questioning look and he responded with a wink. “What do you want to drink?” After I requested water, he said, “Have a seat with my sister and I’ll be back in a sec.”

I sat on the couch next to Scarlett while Cameron and his parents went into the adjoining kitchen. Scarlett sat crisscrossed on the couch with a curious expression on her face. “My mom’s right. My brother doesn’t normally talk about girls with us, so I couldn’t wait to meet the girl he can’t shut up about.”

“Really? I heard about a few of his past girlfriends and the relationships sounded serious.”

“Who; the grad-school girl whose name I can barely remember? Stacey, I think. Or Taylor, the leech who is constantly calling my brother for some sort of ridiculous favor? Do you know a few months back she asked him to go change her flat tire in the pouring rain? I told him to tell her to get lost and call Triple A, but Cameron is the nicer one out of the two of us,” Scarlett said.

Checking behind me to make sure Cameron hadn’t returned, I leaned forward conspiratorially. “I thought I was the only one who noticed it. She’s always calling him when we’re out on a date and he has to stay on the phone to calm her down because she’s crying over the latest drama in her life.”

“My brother tries to be the hero too often. He suffers from an acute case of white knight syndrome.” Scarlett opened her mouth to say more, but stayed silent when Cameron returned to the room.

His sister’s words were intended to soothe me, but they had the reverse effect. Did Cameron see me as a girl in trouble that needed rescuing? Was this the source of his attraction to me?

“Everything okay?” he asked me. He frowned at his sister. “What are you saying about me? Kayla might take you seriously and not realize you have a warped sense of humor.”

I rallied for his benefit. His relationship with his sister was sweet, and I liked the normalcy of seeing siblings who genuinely cared for each other beneath the bickering. Lila and I loved each other, but we didn’t tease each other in the same way. Our mother humiliated us too often to even jokingly make fun of one another.

Handing me a glass of water, Cameron sank down on the couch next to me. His arm wound behind my shoulders and he held me close.

“She was telling me how you can’t shut up about me,” I said lightly and squeezed the top of his thigh.

“I should’ve known my sister would try and embarrass me. But I have no problem admitting how much I brag about you. You’re awesome,” he said and planted a kiss on the side of my head.

“Ugh, you two are disgusting. I’m getting a freaking toothache from all this sweetness.” Scarlett’s features twisted in mock distaste.

His father announced dinner, and Cameron ushered me into the dining room and gestured to a pair of chairs at the table. I sat down to his right, and before long, the Bennetts were all talking at once and sharing stories about their day. I loved hearing the family’s laughter; it filled something inside of me that had been empty for a long time.

As the table quieted down, Cameron’s father turned to face me. “Cameron told us you’re a student at Trenton College. What are you studying?”

“I’m a journalism major. I became interested in writing since I started working for my high school newspaper.”

“Do your parents work in that field?”

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Sometimes I wished I had a sign affixed to the front of me with a warning not to bring up my parents. “My mother is a housewife …” I stuttered over my words. With my father’s death, would that label still apply? There was no such thing as a housewidow, was there? “My father was a vet, but he died two summers ago.”

Maggie made a sympathetic clucking noise while Jack’s eyes softened. Cameron swooped in. “You should look up some of Kayla’s articles online. She’s really talented.”

My gloom lifted and my tone was disbelieving as I asked, “You read the articles I wrote?”

“Yes.” He smirked at me. “I guessed you wouldn’t brag about how crazy good you are at writing, so I did an online search and found them myself. I think my favorite was the one on safety tips for online dating. You probably saved a lot of girls from becoming the target of freaks online.”

He took another piece of my heart prisoner at that moment. He sounded sincere and was telling me what I wrote
mattered
, the articles were more than merely fluff. He had also steered the conversation away from my family, and his parents began to question me about my work.

Cameron’s mother had cooked beef stew with cornbread. I swirled the pieces of meat and cutup vegetables around on my plate. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Maggie watching me play with my food. Her seeming displeasure had me inwardly cringing. I was offending her. She had cooked a wonderful meal and I was being rude by not eating it. Earnestly, I dug into the stew. After a few enthusiastic bites, I turned to his mom. “This is delicious. You’ll have to give me the recipe.”

Maggie beamed. “Of course.”

I could play the part. I could pretend to be the normal person who polishes off her dinner and requests the recipe in order to go home and make it for her boyfriend. I wouldn’t let his parents see the real me, the girl who would be using their bathroom shortly to throw up the dinner his mother worked hard to prepare.

Later, Scarlett accosted me in the hallway as I was leaving the bathroom. Cameron was helping clear the dishes with his parents. My heart momentarily stopped and I prayed she wasn’t confronting me over purging in the bathroom.

Her hands were placed on her hips and the tightness around her eyes told me she was considering what to say. She sighed heavily before speaking. “I get that I’m the little sister and I shouldn’t worry about my brother, but I do.” As she turned, I followed her line of vision and saw Cameron chuckling with his dad, both leaning against the kitchen counter. “A lot of people think just because Cam is outgoing and funny he can’t be hurt. Like he doesn’t have feelings and won’t experience pain like the rest of us. But that’s not true and I want to make sure you’re not going to stomp on my brother’s heart.”

My expression grew alarmed. “Why would you think I’d hurt him?”

“Don’t take it personally,” she said. “I can tell you really like him. I’m protective of Cam, and although he doesn’t show it, he’s been hurt before.”

“By a girlfriend?”

I hadn’t expected the surge of jealousy toward a faceless and nameless girl who broke Cameron’s heart. Cameron’s past relationships hadn’t sounded intense enough to warrant the kind of heartbreak Scarlett was hinting at.

Instead of answering, Scarlett stepped away, unblocking my path to the kitchen. “It’s not what you think. If Cam hasn’t talked about his past, I shouldn’t be the one to say anything.”

Without replying, I continued past her. I appreciated how she was trying to look out for her brother and couldn’t be angry with her for it. I’d do the same for Lila. I also couldn’t fault Cameron for keeping secrets—because I had secrets of my own.

Chapter Seventeen

“Britt! Wake up!” I pounded on her door furiously.

I stood in the foyer on our floor and tapped my foot anxiously. I’d been knocking for at least five minutes and refused to give up until she answered. Pressing my ear to the door, I heard the faint sound of the TV. Brittany needed background noise to fall asleep, but once she was out, she was practically comatose.

Finally, she swung open the door. She scowled at me as she ran her fingers through her messy hair. “What the hell, Kayla?”

“I’m late,” I hissed. I was too frantic to ease her into the revelation. I didn’t want to be the clichéd girl in crisis, but I had stumbled into the role regardless. As soon as I noticed the date on my wall calendar, my first instinct was to confide in my best friend. My only thought was she’d help me—wake me up from this nightmare.

“Late for what? Isn’t it Sunday?” Brittany rubbed at her eyes.

“No, I’m
late
.”

Her expression darkened. “Oh crap, you mean that kind of late. Damn, Kayla, haven’t you seen that line fail a million times in the movies?” She chewed on a thumbnail, inheriting a portion of the anxiety I was feeling. “When were you supposed to get your period?”

“I don’t know exactly.” I squirmed under her scrutiny. “Like ten days ago.”

“Shit, Kayla,” she said and mumbled a few more expletives. “Has Cam been using a condom?”

“Yes, but I’m not exactly paying attention when we’re in the middle of things. What if it broke and I didn’t notice?”

“Have you said anything to him?”

I shook my head. “No. He was having his friends over last night. I didn’t feel good, so I stayed here.”

“I thought I heard you throwing up the other day. Have you been sick a lot? When my older sister was pregnant, she was puking every morning. She said it lasted until she was like three months along.”

I blanched at Brittany’s words. I ran the faucet on full blast when I threw up, hoping to cover the sound. Jessica had also given me a few strange looks when I’d emerged from the bathroom. Suspicions had been planted in their minds, and they were going to figure out how I was getting rid of the late night beer and pizza they brought home for the floor.

I couldn’t be pregnant. I could barely feed myself; much less have the responsibility of feeding a baby. I closed my eyes and exhaled noisily. “I haven’t been feeling well, but I never guessed I could be pregnant.”

It had been more than a month since Cameron and I had visited our respective families. I never mentioned the uncomfortable conversation I had with his overprotective sister, and he never talked about the disastrous dinner with my mom. I didn’t want our secrets to ruin what we had together. Instead, I continued playing make-believe, becoming addicted to the way he made me feel when we were together.

Cameron’s observations about my diet forced me to change the way I ate in front of him. If I had plans to see him at night, I’d skip breakfast and lunch to eat a full meal for his benefit. Back at the dorm, I’d binge late at night on the stash of snacks I had accumulated from frequent convenience store runs. I smuggled the food past my roommates, storing it in my closet and dresser drawers instead of the kitchen. I became reliant on purging and laxatives to flush the food out of my body.

I was slowly disappearing, vanishing more and more each day in the quest to be a size zero. I couldn’t stop dieting; I’d forgotten how to eat like a normal person. I should’ve been happy; Cameron was a great guy and he treated me wonderfully. But I couldn’t stop the nagging fear that if I weren’t skinny enough, he’d no longer want me.

“Kayla, you have to buy a test,” Brittany was insisting.

I knew she was right. But I was terrified. What if I was pregnant? I’d been abusing my body for months—what would that have done to an unborn child? What kind of abomination would be produced from my self-loathing?

“I’ll go to the drugstore now,” I murmured, already lost in my own thoughts.

“Do you want me to come with you? I’ll stay here with you while you take it.”

Over her shoulder, I gazed forlornly out the window. The April rain was coming down in sheets. The weather felt like a reflection of what I was experiencing inside. And as much as I relied on Brittany, I suddenly craved the strength of Cameron to help me through the storm. “It’s fine, no reason for us both to get soaked. Maybe I should go over to Cameron’s apartment and talk to him.”

“I know you’re freaking out, but Cam is a good guy. He’ll be there for you. And I will be, too. The college has a Planned Parenthood office on campus. We can go there if the test is positive and find out what your options are. If you’re not pregnant, we’ll get you on the pill.” After her reassurances, Brittany launched her compact body at me and wrapped her arms around my back. “I love you. Call me if you need anything.”

I had good people in my life, people who loved me. Why wasn’t it enough? Why couldn’t I snap out of it? Had the wiring gone wrong inside me and I’d forgotten how to be at peace with myself?

Numbly, I drove to the drugstore. My hands were trembling as I placed the pregnancy test on the counter and handed over my credit card. I was trying hard to not begin bawling in the middle of the store. I was barely hanging on, unsure if I’d ever feel good about myself again. When I lost all the weight I wanted, hit my size zero goal, I had a sinking feeling it still wouldn’t be good enough.

I pulled the hood of my jacket over my head as I took the steps up to Cameron’s apartment two at a time. He lived on the second floor of a house that had been converted into two separate apartments. His downstairs neighbor was his landlord, an elderly woman who kept mostly to herself.

I shoved the pregnancy test into my purse and knocked on the door. A small puddle gathered at my feet while I waited for him to answer. I knocked again, more persistent. It was only after nine and I guessed he had slept in after hanging out with his friends the night before.

“Don’t you realize we’re trying to sleep,” a female voice said irritably as the door opened.