The Douchebag Bible (4 page)

Many Atheists give oblivious credence to the notion that

an imbecilic theist will, once converted to atheism, transform

into the most brilliant of brights, the most spectacular of

secularists, the apotheosis of atheistic intellectual integrity—

and other such corny alliterations. The sad truth is that a shit-

for-brains who thinks that Papa Smurf in the sky is watching

his every move with unwavering concern will, if converted (or

deconverted, if you prefer) to atheism, become a shit-for-brains

who thinks that books are a nifty decoration. You’ll not

improve such a person—if anything, you’ll make him worse.

Consider, for a moment, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold,

the shooters at Columbine High School. They were as atheistic

as I am, but they embraced the dogmatism of the thoroughly

debunked idea of Social Darwinism (which should rightly be

called Social Spencerism). They managed to convince

themselves that their shootings were, in some way, natural

selection. If they’d been Christians, they might have killed for

Jesus. Instead, they were Atheists, and they killed for

Nietzsche and Darwin. That’s not progress by any definition

of the word that I would embrace.

I WARN YOU FURTHER: In an atheist world, atheism

will no longer be a badge of intellectual prowess. Those of you

who revel in your elitism now may well find yourself clutching

at straws to justify your worth in the secular utopia of your

fondest dreams.

And who will we do intellectual battle with? Each other?

I know we
say
that, but is it really what we desire? In your

little black hearts can’t you admit, if only to yourselves, that

it’s a lot more fun using your vast intellect to anally rape the

cognitively deficient than it is rationally discussing ideas with

your equals?

I suppose we can always argue with the social

Darwinists—but as far as pseudo-science’s created solely to

justify the actions of the powerful against the powerless go,

intelligent design will never be topped. It will always hold that

special place in our hearts, won’t it? Won’t you look back on

the pwnage of those imbeciles and smile? I know I will.

I imagine myself in the old atheist’s home, sitting in my

rocking chair, being blown by holographic teenagers while

robot nurses pump apple-sauce down my throat through little

grey tubes. Atop my nightstand I’ll have a little scrapbook of

all the believers I ever crushed in one-sided, totally unfair

debates. I’ll look at their pictures and I’ll laugh myself to sleep

each night, but inside I’ll be crying.

Without religion, there is no religion to destroy. Our

victory is our defeat.

ISLAM IS LAME

“YOU THINK YOU HAVE BALLS? I WOULD CHOP YOUR

HEAD OFF YOU PATHETIC FAT SHIT. YOU ATHEIST

BASTARDS HAVE DESTROYED THIS WORLD WITH

YOUR EVOLUTION THEORY, SAYING LIFE IS MATTER

OF CHANCE. THAT IS WHY THEIR IS DEPRESSION AND

SUICIDE BECAUSE ATHEIST LIFE IS BASE ON

PERFORMANCE. IF I MET YOU I WOULD DO ALLAH

SWIFT HONOR AND THE UMMAH HONOR OF

CHOPPING YOUR HEAD OFF AND DRAINING YOUR

BLOOD! KEEP HIDING BEHIND YOUR COMPUTER!

COME TO ENGLAND AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE AND I

WILL STAB YOU UP, YOU PIG HONKY. LOL.”

MuhammadFaysalNawa, Youtube User

(abysmal spelling and punctuation has been corrected)

“FUCK YOU, racist fucking kafir! I wish I could chop your

fucking head off you fat fuck! Islam OWNS YOU, bitch!”

islamistic123, Youtube User

(abysmal spelling and punctuation has been corrected)

“Hey, man, why you are insulting Islam? This is a very big

thing! You had better back off these shitty things or you are a

dead man, I swear to God.”

karimsaber123 , Youtube User

(abysmal spelling and punctuation has been corrected)

HOW TO GET LEFT THE FUCK ALONE

I am vulgar. I think bad thoughts and more often then not I

shit them forth from my mouth with all the enthusiasm of an

overpaid whore on ecstasy. What's worse, I usually say them

when in mixed company, or when speaking to one with fragile

ears, and a frail mind in between them.

Jaws drop and gasps resound. "Did he really just say

what I think he did?" You're damn right he did. And do you

know what? He enjoyed it too. It's how I maintain my sanity,

and now, with my help, you too can improve the quality of your

life by being a dirty foul-mouthed bastard.

"How can being grossly offensive improve my life,

Amazing Atheist?"

God you people ask some dumb fucking questions.

Observe my ingenious equation below.

People + Life = 

Life – People = 

And how do you get rid of people? You can stick dynamite in

their asses and paint the walls with their insides . . . which is

effective, but illegal and costly.

You can poison their coffee, but it tends to be slow—and

problematic if they drink tea or water or cat piss.

The best solution to your people problem is to make

your company utterly un-enjoyable by totally offending anyone

foolish enough to seek your conversation.

"How do I accomplish this feat, Amazing Atheist? I am

not clever and witty like you."

I know. Don't fret. I'm here to help. There are four basic

methods of fucking with peoples stupid heads.

1. The Grumbling Prick Method

2. The "My Life is Shit" Method.

3. The Polite Asshole Method

4. The Amazing Atheist Method

THE GRUMBLING PRICK METHOD

This method is usually effective on those who want to ask for

favors or opinions, and best of all for you dumbfucks, it's so