The Educated Ape & other Wonders of the Worlds (39 page)

Chief
Inspector Case took to flustering at the papers piled upon his desk. ‘Damnable
woman,’ he said. ‘I am glad to see the back of her.’

‘She
was not worthy of you,’ said Mr Bell. ‘You, the pride of Scotland Yard arid
everything.’

‘Don’t
try to get around me, Bell.’ The foolish Chinese accent was no more. ‘I blame
you.
I don’t know why, but I do.’

‘I
have never met your wife,’ said Mr Cameron Bell.

‘I
don’t mean my wife and you know it.’

‘If
you mean the case, then I am happy to inform you that a breakthrough is
imminent.’

‘A
familiar phrase,’ said Chief Inspector Case, now leafing through the pages of
his diary. ‘Oh yes, I knew that I recognised it. You have offered it to me at
least once a week for the past four—’

‘Ah,’
said Mr Bell. ‘But this time I actually mean it.’

‘And
that phrase, too. I am sorry, Bell, but it just won’t do.’

‘How
would you like to solve the Crime of the Century?’ asked Cameron Bell.

‘I am
certain I already have. At least twice.’

Cameron
Bell recalled these occasions. ‘I remember that
I
provided invaluable
assistance upon both occasions,’ said he, ‘and let
you
take the credit.’

‘And
all but bankrupted Scotland Yard into the bargain.’

‘I
incurred heavy expenses.

Chief
Inspector Case made grumblings.

‘It
is now September,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘Only four months remain of this century.
Now would be the time to solve the greatest case of all and place yourself into
the annals of history.’

‘How
much will it cost?’ asked the chief inspector. ‘And more to the point,
what
case?
What is this Crime of the Century that has been committed and of
which I know nothing?’

‘It
is a crime that has yet to be committed.’

‘Well,
this is new,’ said Chief Inspector Case. ‘Have you taken to travelling through
time, then?’ And he laughed.

Cameron
Bell did
not.
‘As a matter of interest,’ he said, of a sudden, ‘I
understand that you have been investigating the matter of the Martian spaceship
that crashed into Lord Brentford’s Bananary. Any breakthroughs in that case?’

‘We
know the name of the spaceship’s owner,’ said the chief inspector, with pride.

‘
We?’
asked Cameron Bell.

‘That
ne’er-do-well Septimus Grey is assisting me. Although I haven’t seen him for
weeks, the ungrateful blighter.’

‘The
name of the spaceship’s owner?’ asked Cameron Bell.

‘Miss
Violet Wond,’ said Chief Inspector Case. The name rang no bells at all with the
great detective. ‘And you have apprehended this anarchist?’ he asked. ‘An
arrest is pending,’ said the chief inspector. ‘We’ll have her any day now.’

‘Well,
good luck with that. But in the meanwhile you must turn your attention to the
Crime of the Century.’

‘The
one that has yet to be committed?’

‘It
will be committed next week,’ said Mr Bell. ‘And next week you will solve it. I
can see the papers now.

And
he could.

CELEBRATED
CHIEF INSPECTOR SOLVES

CRIME OF THE
CENTURY

‘I just reasoned it
out,’ says

the era’s most-noted
detective.

‘And,’ continued
Cameron Bell, ‘I would expect also to read words to the effect:

CHIEF
INSPECTOR CASE TO RECEIVE

KNIGHTHOOD IN
THE NEW YEAR’S

HONOURS LIST

A NATION
APPLAUDS

‘Tell
me more,’ said Chief Inspector Case. ‘I am liking what I’ve heard so far.’

‘The
Crown Jewels will be stolen,’ said Cameron Bell.

‘
The
Crown Jewels?’
cried the chief inspector. ‘And this you know for a fact?’

‘I
do,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘I have given the matter considerable thought and I am
absolutely certain it will occur.’

‘Incredible,’
said the chief inspector. ‘And
I
will solve the case?’

‘It
will certainly look that way,’ said Cameron Bell.

Chief
Inspector Case smiled broadly and pictured himself being knighted by Her
Majesty the Queen. ‘And there was me about to cut your wages,’ he said.

‘I
was hoping for a rise, as it happens.’

‘And
you shall have one. As long as I take
all
the credit for solving the
case and bringing the criminal to justice.’

‘I
promise you that,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘Shall we shake upon it?’

He
extended his hand and the chief inspector shook it.

The
deal was done and could not be undone.

‘I
have things to do now,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘I will call by in a couple of days
and tell you what is on the go.’

Chief
Inspector Case rubbed his hands together.

Cameron
Bell turned to take his leave.

‘Oh,
just one thing,’ the chief inspector called. ‘As you know that this Crime of
the Century will definitely occur —do you also know the name of the criminal
mastermind who will be responsible for it?’

‘He
is known as the Masked Shadow,’ said Mr Cameron Bell.

‘Sounds
like quite a character,’ said Chief Inspector Case. ‘Yes,’ agreed Cameron Bell.
‘Character
would most certainly be the word.’

37

he
Masked Shadow’s Manifesto came as something of a body blow to the God-fearing
citizens of the Empire’s capital. They were growing used to a London without
crime and talk was only of the Grand Exposition and the Wonders of the Worlds
that would be seen therein.

That
this monstrous criminal should spring out from nowhere with no history but
claiming many sinister qualifications was indeed an outrage. Something must be
done. This creature must be stopped.

Copies
of the Manifesto had been posted up all over London — posted even onto the
walls of St Paul’s Cathedral and Scotland Yard itself Shameful, it was. Quite
shameful!

Cameron
Bell perused the one that had been posted onto a post-box at the corner of his
street.

‘Quite
a character,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘And a most unpleasant character at that.’

The Yellow Press
were having a field day. An anonymous source, who signed himself only as
SWORD
OF TRUTH,
had dispatched to their offices a number of stories regarding the
Masked Shadow. Shocking stories, these, of his evil exploits upon Mars, and
suggesting that he was responsible for many unsolved crimes, including — and
this was hinted most strongly — that he was Jack the Ripper.

‘Appalling
fellow,’ said Chief Inspector Case, wearing tweeds today and with ne’er a hint
of Red Indian war paint or the tribal markings of a Watusi chief. ‘Glad we’re
ahead of the game on this one, Bell.’

‘Well
ahead,’ said Cameron Bell, seated in the chief inspector’s chair and tasting
the chief inspector’s five—year— old malt whisky.

‘And
you are convinced that he will strike soon?’ The chief inspector paced a bit,
pounding his right fist into the palm of his left hand.

‘Upon
Friday the thirteenth,’ said Cameron Bell, ‘he will strike for the Crown
Jewels. I would wager my reputation upon this.’

‘Hm,’
said Chief Inspector Case. ‘Well, we will be waiting for him. I will have the
Tower of London surrounded by an impenetrable ring of bobbies. I’ll have an
airship stationed overhead with one of those new death-ray jobbies mounted upon
it. A squadron of the Queen’s Own—’

‘Have
to stop you there,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘With such martial forces in evidence,
no criminal would come within five miles of the Tower of London.’

‘Then
we will have foiled the blighter,’ said Chief Inspector Case.

‘If
you will remember,’ said Cameron Bell, refilling his glass, ‘our intention was
to capture the Masked Shadow in order that you gain your knighthood.’

‘Ah,
yes, indeed.’ The chief inspector took to stroking his chin.

‘It
will be,’ said Cameron Bell, ‘what Mr Churchill, I believe, refers to as “an
undercover operation” — just you, me and a single constable.’

‘Are
you sure?’
cried the chief inspector. ‘I have no fear for myself,
naturally, for I am a fearless fellow. But you are not a young man, Mr Bell.’

‘I
am
a young man,’ said Cameron Bell.

‘Quite
so,’ said the chief inspector. ‘But this fellow appears to be some fiend in
human form.’

‘He
certainly appears so,’ Cameron Bell agreed.

‘So,
just the two of us and one constable?’

‘And
make him a small one,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘And young. And no one but me is to
carry a firearm.’

‘
What?’
cried Chief Inspector Case.

‘I
don’t want there to be any accidents. Now you put the word around Scotland Yard
that the crime will occur on the thirteenth of September and that we need a
volunteer. I will meet you on that night at eight o’clock. And do bring the
keys to the Jewel Room.’

‘And
what are
you
going to be doing in the meanwhile, Mr Bell?’

‘I am
going to be investing some of the fifty guineas that you are now about to pay
me.

‘Investing?’
said Chief Inspector Case.

‘Investing,’
said Cameron Bell. ‘Just trust me, do.’

‘Trust me,’ said
Lord Brentford. ‘You will not come to harm.’

Darwin
the monkey butler stood in Lord Brentford’s converted study and shook in his
bright white spats. He was coming to dread these little sessions.

‘Nothing
to knock you about this time,’ said his lordship. ‘In fact, this one should
appeal to your sense of fun.’

If I
am turned into a clown,
thought Darwin,
I shall kill Lord
Brentford and run away with the circus.

‘Just
stand there,’ his lordship said, ‘while I call out the business.’

Lord
Brentford stepped away from his ape and took his place beside Leah. Darwin saw
the Venusian lady put out her hand towards that of his lordship and grip it
tenderly. That at least made Darwin happy, for he was a monkey who thought a
lot about love.

He
had led a solitary existence, had Darwin. He had no recollection of his mother
or family. He had awoken, as it were, in a cage at Tilbury Docks, and was taken
from there to an auction house and sold to a sideshow proprietor. He travelled
for a while with the famous Wombwell’s Menagerie before deciding to strike out
on his own. He escaped one night from his cage and made his way to London,
there to be captured by Lambeth Borough’s Monkey Catcher in Residence and sold
at yet another auction. But this time to Lord Brentford.