The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (30 page)

Often what begins as a little gathering in the backyard with punch and cookies will mutate into a wedding resembling the one Will and Kate threw in London in 2011. This happens to some extent with all weddings; for gays and lesbians, the excitement of having the opportunity to declare your affection publicly can quickly turn your thoughts away from an intimate ceremony and toward the Event of the Year.

As you begin to feel empowered or even entitled to all the wedding stuff that you once might have crossed off your list because you're gay, punch and cookies in the backyard begins to sound, well, not good enough. You find yourself asking questions like, “Is it because we're gay that we're not planning a full-blown wedding?” It starts to hit you that this is not a birthday party for second-class citizens, by golly, it's… a wedding!

The more you use the phrase “This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience,” the more the snowball builds. Mix that in with trying to please everyone, and the snowball begins to
roll. Rapidly.

So go back to that previous list of priorities and start plugging in some figures. Realize that although they probably won't work in the real world, at least it's a start. You're likely saying, “But I don't have the faintest idea what that costs.” Just fill in what you think you'd be willing to pay. (This will change; trust us.)

MOM AND POP QUIZ

Do these comments sound familiar? If any of them press your Guilt ‘n' Spend buttons, rest assured that you're not alone.

• “Do you want people to think you're skimping on your wedding?”

• “If you don't go the whole nine yards, well, you really aren't taking this very seriously, are you?”

• “Your Cousin Bernice had a six-piece combo—but then of course, that was a
real
wedding.”

One day, you turn around and look in the mirror and—my God—you're like any straight bride or groom, steeped in wedding regalia. Your mind is crammed with price quotes and rules of etiquette. Sad to say, when you get right down to it, the wedding or bridal industry is exactly that: an industry—to the tune of about $86 billion a year in this country. (That's right,
billion.
) Awaiting you is a mob of florists, seamstresses, and photographers who make their living off weddings. Your wedding. They look at you and see a check with their name on it; having your own best interests at heart is not necessarily at the top of their lists. As humorist Dave Barry once observed, the attitude of the wedding biz is, money can't buy you happiness, so you might as well give your money to us.

According to The Wedding Report, the average formal wedding for about two hundred guests runs about $29,000. That figure can halve or double depending on where you live and how elaborate a celebration you envision.

Allow us to digress here a moment to talk about the mouthpiece of the wedding industry—the bridal magazines. Many same-sex couples we spoke with bought bridal magazines because they're there, they seem like fun, and for five or six bucks you get about four-hundred pages showing an overview of what's out there. The articles advise you on personal grooming, show you how to pick out the best vacuum cleaner for your new home, and offer chatty insights into eating dinner at your in-laws' (you should be so lucky). Then there are the websites and television programs that are informative, fun to watch, and also heavily backed by the wedding industry.

So although they are all fantastic resources, the bridal magazines, websites, and reality programs do one thing that can be detrimental to
all
couples: they try to define what a wedding is supposed to be. Don't fall for this. In article after article, list after list, there is always a formula for the “perfect” wedding, and—big surprise—it usually involves putting money into somebody else's pocket. The truth is, many of the customs that we associate with the wedding and the reception have been perpetuated by the Industry.

Consumer Alert

N
O, NOT EVERYONE
involved with the wedding industry is an unscrupulous shyster—but you should be aware of some of the common pitfalls that lie gaping before all wedding consumers. Take the following precautions in all of your business dealings.

1.
Ask lots of questions and get written estimates as well as understandable contracts.

2.
Shop around and learn all you can about the wedding biz. Soon you will be spouting new vocabulary words like
thermography
and
tussy mussy.
The more you know, the better you will be at making decisions.

3.
We can't stress enough the importance of word of mouth and personal experience in terms of hiring help for the event.

4.
Be organized. Set goals and try and meet them, and make lists that present things in the order of what needs to be done first. (Weddings are list-makers' dreams.)

5.
Keep in close touch with your vendors. Call to reconfirm and go over the details as many times as
you
feel is necessary. Don't be shy.

Organized Labor

No matter which of the following methods you decide to employ, careful record keeping will make all the details fall into place more easily. You will not be able to do it all in your head. There are many wedding—okay,
bridal
—workbooks on the market that can be useful to help organize your to-do lists and keep planning charts straight. Some of the planners are quite ornate, with leather covers; a cheap spiral notebook can serve the same purpose.

If you're someone who's more comfortable working on your computer than with pencil and paper, there are now dozens of terrific wedding-planning software programs on the market that will whip even the most unorganized brides and grooms into shape. They all share a number of basic features, including guest-list creator, table planner, and gift tracker. You can also test-drive an app for your smartphone or tablet.

Buy a notebook with dividers, or make your own dividers by folding pages in at the corner. Loose-leaf binders come in handy if you feel that you want to be able to move information around, plus you can punch and insert papers you get from other sources—contracts, menus, and so on. Divide the notebook into separate sections for Overall Budget and Guest List, and then create sections for each major category such as Food, Entertainment, and Gifts. List and date all phone calls,
referrals, and estimates, and record the names of people you talked to. Every time you spend money, record the expense.

Stationery stores sell systems with preprinted index cards for keeping track of wedding guests so you know whom you've invited, their address, their phone number, and whom they're bringing. There's also room to jot down gifts that have been received and if/when you've written a thank-you note. Or buy a garden-variety file box and index cards, and put your own system together. You can also use cards to record estimates from vendors and so forth.

Verbal agreements and handshakes are no way to conduct business. You should get every last promise and detail in writing from each service you engage. You will be given either a standard contract that has a ton of legal jargon or a letter of agreement that looks more like—well, a letter. Both documents serve the same purpose.

And contracts shouldn't be scary; they're there to ensure that what you are expecting is what will be delivered. (Because what you see isn't always what you get.) If there's something you discussed with a vendor, and were told not to worry about because of course “it will be taken care of,” it should be in the contract. Don't feel silly about reading the fine print.

All contracts or letters of agreement between you and each wedding vendor should spell out the following as they apply: (1) the exact length of time (including start and finish times) that the contractor will be working for you and what arrangements can be made if overtime is required; (2) the breakdown of services and materials provided, including specifics such as colors and styles; (3) how the contractor and staff will be dressed; (4) who is liable for goofs (if the invitations end up reading, “the commitment ceremony of Susan Hernandez to Mr. Karen Re-inhardt,” who pays for the reprinting?); and (5) a list of delivery and return dates for rentals.

Once you're satisfied that all the information that needs to be there is there, and that it's correct, it's time to finalize the contract. Just a few must-do's:

Make sure you get a signed copy of the contract with your signature, the vendor's signature, and the date each of you signed the contract. Technically, it isn't a valid contract unless it's signed and dated by both parties.

On each finalized contract, list a contact person as well as phone numbers at the wedding site, the reception site, and your home. And of course you could include your cell phone number if that's the most likely way you can be reached.

Double-check that the date and time specified on the contract match the date and time of your wedding. We know this sounds like a dumb mistake—so don't let it happen to you.

TIPPING TIPS

• A 10–20 percent gratuity may be added in advance to your catering bill.

• If a gratuity is not figured in, it's up to you to tip the servers as you see fit. Ask the catering manager about what is customary.

• If you're working closely with a caterer or wedding coordinator, it's really lovely (and unexpected) to acknowledge his or her contribution. This doesn't have to be money; we recommend a gift presented any time before the reception.

• At a large hotel or restaurant wedding, giving maître d's a gratuity up front will let them know that you value their work.

• Diane Greenberg Dilena, catering manager of the Hotel Bel-Air, told us that it's unusual for people to think of giving the chef a gratuity, but that they really should think about it: “He's the one who really puts out and creates all these menus and wonderful foods, and no one ever acknowledges it. If you were to go back into the kitchen, introduce yourself, and give him a gratuity, it would make him happy as hell.”