The Everything Orgasm Book (13 page)

To further your adventures in self-pleasure, consider making love to yourself in the context of a sacred solo ritual. It can be very liberating and expansive to regard masturbation as something that is worthy of the respect inherent in the practice of ritual. This can turn the tables on any shame you might feel.

Give yourself at least two hours for this ritual. This is an opportunity to bring the power of your self-loving into a context that can provide a tremendous amount of nourishment for your body-mind connection and your soul. Because you are taking your time to get into your pleasure body and build arousal, this ritual also has the capacity to provide you with incredibly rich, satisfying, and meaningful orgasms, worthy of a standing ovation were anyone to be witnessing them! This can become a weekly or a monthly ritual, something you do just for yourself to increase your own self-nurturance, rejuvenate yourself, and stoke your life force fires.

Set the stage for your ritual by creating a beautiful and comfortable environment in which you feel nourished, warm, safe, and relaxed. Heat the space if it is cold. Light some candles. Lay down a soft blanket or beautiful tapestry on the bed or the floor where you will be making love to yourself. Throw some soft pillows down to both beautify the space and create more comfort. You may want to burn some sage or incense or use an aromatherapy diffuser to flavor the air with a pleasant scent. Put some nice soothing music on to caress your eardrums and touch your soul.

Bathe or Shower
Next, treat yourself to a long hot bath or shower. If you like, use scented soap, shower gel, or bubble bath to delight your olfactory system. While in the shower or bath, let yourself begin to relax. Really take in the pleasurable sensation of warmth on your skin. Immerse your whole body, including your hair and face, in the water. Delight in the wetness.

If you are taking a shower, let the water hit your tongue and enter your mouth. Enjoy the feeling of warm water raining down on your face and neck. Turn around slowly and savor the feeling of the hot water pounding on your shoulders and back. If you are taking a bath, take a deep breath and immerse yourself completely, allowing your neck and head to release any tension. Let your body just float effortlessly. When you apply the soap or shower gel, take your time and enjoy slow sensual caresses. Stay in the bath or shower as long as you like, but make sure it is at least twenty minutes.

Now it is time to dress yourself in something that is comfortable and makes you look and feel fabulous and sexy. This could be any number of outfits: lingerie, underwear, leather pants, a summer dress, a sarong, or just your birthday suit. Use your imagination. Wear whatever you think will make this ritual special to you and help you feel attractive.

The next part of the ritual involves spending some time in front of a full-length mirror. This is a time to visually appreciate your image. Notice what you like about your looks and affirm your appreciation out loud. For example, if you like the color of your hair, you might say, “I like the deep chestnut color of my hair, and I think it is beautiful.” Focus only on what you like and feel good about. Be as detailed and specific as you can. Find at least five things to appreciate about your appearance.

Next, enter the space you created at the beginning of the ritual. Sit or kneel on the blanket or tapestry. Take a moment to appreciate yourself for setting aside this time and making your self-pleasure a priority. You may want to make a gesture with this appreciation, putting your hands on your heart or in a prayer position. If it works for you, bow your head and take a deep breath. You may also take this opportunity to acknowledge the awesomeness of your existence and your gratitude for a body capable of so much pleasure.

Lie down in a comfortable position, propped up with pillows where necessary, and continue loving and appreciating yourself while caressing your whole body. You may use your hands or you may choose to use a feather or feather duster. Notice any negative thoughts, criticisms, or judgments that come up, and do as much as you can to just let them go. Keep focusing your mind on appreciative thoughts and gratitude. Cultivating positive, self-loving thoughts is a practice that requires some discipline. Eventually, the loving self-touch you give yourself and the positive thoughts your mind generates will create a positive feedback loop, and the two will flow seamlessly together without any effort.

While you touch yourself, let your genitals be a focal point around which you touch without giving them direct attention initially. This will help build up an erotic charge, and may be more effective than actually touching your genitals directly. Teasing yourself increases the tension by heightening your sense of anticipation. With a light touch, work all around your inner thighs, in the creases of your groin, on your buttocks, and in your butt crack. Stimulate your anus and perineum. Gently stroke and tug on your pubic hair. If you are a man, tickle your testicles. Feel the urge to be touched on your genitals building and increasing in intensity. But hold off for a while. See how much erotic charge you can build this way.

Begin this portion of the ritual with one hand on your heart and the other on your genitals. Rest there for a few minutes, breathing in the sensations and allowing a connection to be made between your heart and genitals. Here you can affirm your love for your erotic body and appreciation for all the sexual pleasure your body is capable of. Follow the suggestions from the previous section on techniques for stimulating your vulva or your penis. Continue to weave in affirmations of self-love and appreciation.

There is no clear end to this ritual. You may decide that you are done in two hours. You may decide that you are done once you have had an orgasm. You may end when you feel emotionally full and satisfied. It is up to you. When you do feel complete, take a moment once again to honor yourself for giving yourself this sacred time. You may once again gesture with your hands over your heart and bow, if that feels appropriate. Acknowledge yourself for the vital life force that you are, the good you are capable of, and the pleasure that is your birthright.

T
he pleasure our bodies can feel is a great gift. Combine that gift with a sense of connection to someone you care about and you can open yourself to even greater satisfaction. Having a lover to play with creates many new options for enjoying your sexuality. But it can also invite more complexity and complications. It helps to attend to your relationship and keep your relationship in harmony, making sure you both get what you need.

The best thing you can offer a partner is a good, solid relationship with yourself.

Centering and grounding is the process of regaining balance and solidity in yourself. Some people center themselves by reminding themselves of their inherent worthiness and lovability. Others may recall their spiritual connection to something greater than themselves. When you are centered and grounded, you know where you stand in relation to the world around you. You are not easily unnerved or agitated. You can show up in a way that allows you be fully present with others.

Loving yourself also involves taking care of yourself and your needs and desires. Humans are a very social species. We all need connection, love and respect. We also need autonomy, freedom and acceptance. Unfortunately, most people have been shamed for having these essential human needs. And sexual needs and desires are often shamed the most.

Satisfying your sexual needs starts with acknowledging and accepting them. Once you've done this, you have to take charge to make sure you get what you need. You can meet some needs on your own, but you can engage others to help you meet other needs. Ultimately, you alone are responsible for making sure your needs are met. There is no better person for the job. Nobody could possibly track your needs as well as you.

Your ability to insure your own satisfaction relieves others of this burden. One of the greatest pleasures of partner-sex is enjoying how much pleasure you can offer someone else. When you can make sure you get what you need, you are helping your partner be successful at satisfying you. Sex is a game where everyone can win, but only if you both make sure you get what you need.

Successfully getting what you need usually requires being able to express your desires and preferences. Once you are clear about what you want, you have to be able to convey it to your partner. Expecting your partner to read your mind doesn't work. The ability to communicate will both increase your satisfaction and make you a better lover. No sexual technique or chemistry can replace communication about what you or your partner need in each moment. Sex is a time to speak up.

Being comfortable talking about sex is a rare skill. It is generally not learned in school or in the home. Sex is such a taboo subject that it may be hard to push through the thick cloak of shame or awkwardness surrounding it. Not communicating about sex, however, can put both your health and your enjoyment at risk. Here are some things you need to be able to talk about to have healthy, safe, and enjoyable sex.

Before you begin to be sexual with a new lover, make sure you talk about your recent sexual history and any precautions that may be needed to keep sex between you safe. This will enable you to make good decisions about how you proceed sexually. It is important that both partners understand how sexual diseases are transmitted and how transmission can be prevented. It is also important to assess the degree of risk that either of you may unknowingly have a sexually transmitted disease (STD). Here are some of the topics covered in a good safe sex discussion:

• Do you have any STDs that you are aware of?
  

• Have you recently been tested for STDs?
  

• Which infections were you tested for and when?
  

• What sexual activity have you had since your last testing?
  

• Were bodily fluids exchanged in that activity?
  

• What protections do you want to employ in sex with this partner?
  

• What sexual activities do you want to rule out, for safety's sake?
  

Always keep in mind that ensuring your sexual health is your own responsibility. Even covering these topics will not ensure that your partner has been completely open or accurate in his or her responses. The risks are particularly high with new sexual partners, with whom you may not have had time to develop trust. If you want to stay healthy, make sure you are fully informed about the most current information on safe sex and that you always protect yourself.

Everyone has preconditions for sex. Your preconditions are the conditions you need to have in place before you can be fully open to a sexual interaction. They include things like being with the right person, being in an appropriate relationship, being well-rested, being relaxed, feeling emotionally connected, and having sufficient privacy. Everyone has his own personal set of preconditions. Some people have a short list; they are ready for almost anything, anytime, anywhere, with anyone. Others may have a longer list and need many more conditions to be in place to feel comfortable engaging in a sexual encounter. No one's list is wrong. Your preconditions are simply an honest personal account of what conditions allow you to feel comfortable entering into sexual activity.

Knowing your preconditions for sex and having them satisfied makes sex and orgasms much more satisfying. Thus, letting your partner know about your preconditions can improve your sexual relationship. When you work together to make sure both partners' preconditions are met, then sex can proceed easily. Communication about preconditions can help you avoid the power struggle that often develops when one person is ready for sex and the other is not.

In order for you to have your sexual wishes fulfilled, you will need to be able to say what you want. This requires knowing what you want and having the confidence to ask for it. Sometimes you might not be sure what you want. The self-pleasuring exercises in Chapter 5 are helpful for those who want to learn more about themselves prior to bringing on a partner. But it is also possible to explore the possibilities together. Consider asking your partner to help you explore what feels good. Agree that it is okay to just experiment and learn what each of you likes.

Sharing wants and longings can make you feel vulnerable, but it is the way to having them satisfied. Once it is clear that you need your partner to be sensitive to the desires you are about to express, it may be easier to speak them.

Giving and receiving feedback is an art, and can take a great deal of practice. It is essential to learn this art in order to get the most out of your sexual encounters. In general, it is best when feedback is delivered clearly and sensitively, but not overly so. Complaining, blaming, and shaming never go over well. It works much better to ask clearly for what you do want, rather than telling your partner what she is doing wrong.

One formula for giving feedback is to sandwich what you would like to be different in some way between two things you enjoy how your lover does already. For example, “I really like the pressure you're using on my clitoris right now. Could you slow it down a little bit? That's the perfect amount of lube too.” This would probably be better received than: “Whoa! Could you slow it down already! That's way too fast!” It is important to work with your lover to determine how each of you likes to receive feedback and tailor it to your individual needs.

Receiving feedback can be tricky too. But it is definitely something you want to encourage in your relationship. The more feedback your lover gives you, the better lover you can be for him. Consider thanking your lover for feedback, even when it is negative or poorly delivered. Then adjust or modify what you are doing. Finally, check in with your partner to see if your adjustment improved his experience.

Above all, try not to get defensive. Defensiveness is likely to inhibit your lover from giving you feedback in the future. Ultimately this will undermine your ability to be a good lover. It may even make your partner less interested in sex with you. Remember that it may be difficult for your partner to give feedback, particularly if he is not skilled in the art. He needs your patience and compassion, not your wounded pride.

Intimate sexual relationships have the potential to be the most profound and satisfying relationships you can have. They can also be the scariest, most challenging, and most frustrating. Some patterns occur commonly and are worth identifying so you can deal with them better.

There are many kinds of sexual relationships, with varying degrees of connection and commitment. Some lovers are in a committed monogamous relationship. Others have varying degrees of involvement other than having sex. Lovers can be partners for just a one-night stand. They can be friends with privileges. Some are in love. Some are not. There are many possibilities. Regardless of the type of relationship you have with a lover, the act of sex can generate some interesting dynamics between two (or more!) people.

Most people have some degree of fear about intimacy. Perhaps being close to someone brings up concerns about your autonomy. Perhaps closeness triggers past memories of rejection or abandonment. Sometimes sexual intimacy awakens needs for nurturing that went unmet in childhood. Sometimes being sexual will uncover painful past memories of abuse. Intimacy can evoke overwhelming feelings. Successfully dealing with these feelings can stop them from interfering with your enjoyment of sex and orgasm. It can also bring you closer to your partner.

Sex is a vulnerable act. In addition to fears of intimacy, sex can expose shame about your body or anxiety about your performance. It can challenge your ability to communicate well and take care of yourself. It can be scary. Sometimes, sex can hurt. It is important to acknowledge this. People engaging in sex are exposing vulnerabilities to each other. The more trust and sensitivity you can bring to the relationship, the better your lovemaking will go. Leave judgments behind and allow yourselves to feel your feelings, whatever they may be. That will enable you to open to the greatest enjoyment.