The Everything Orgasm Book (19 page)

Lap dancing is erotic dance with the added bonus of physically connecting with your audience. Generally, the one who is receiving the lap dance is not allowed to touch the dancer. This restriction helps build the sexual tension. Sometimes, the dancer also refrains from actual touch, but comes palpably close. You can set up your own guidelines for a lap dance with your lover. Although it is usually thought of as something women do, there is no reason why men can't offer lap dances too. As with erotic dancing, it helps to dress in a suggestive way, exposing a significant amount of flesh. The music you play should be erotic and help you get in the mood.

To begin, set up a chair with no arms for your lover to sit in. Place the chair where there is space to move all around it. Begin by dancing erotically in front of your lover. Allow the tension to build before coming into close physical contact with him. When you feel ready to engage physically with your lover, begin by brushing up lightly against him with different parts of your scantily clad body. Tease your lover with your body. Make your lover want to grab you. When you are ready, try straddling his lap, facing him. Perch your hands on the back of the chair. Then gyrate your hips, bumping and grinding away to the music. You can gently remind him not to touch. Make the dance feel good to you. This is an excellent way for you to get yourself worked up too. You are in control of how to move your pelvis and where to touch him in ways that feel good to you. For variety, you can also straddle your lover facing away from him.

A strip tease combines erotic dancing with the art of removing your clothing. Prepare for a strip tease by dressing in carefully planned layers. Include accessories, like a hat, gloves, belt, or scarf, so that you have more to remove, thereby prolonging the experience. The layer closest to your skin might be your favorite sexy underwear or lingerie. The next layer could be a form-fitting outfit or a costume.

Start the performance by getting into a groove with music that you find particularly juicy and erotic. When you sense you have your lover's full attention, you can begin, ever so slowly and gradually, to remove articles of clothing and accessories. The idea is to expose just a little bit of flesh at a time, so take your time with it. As you remove an article, find some sexy way to play with it before throwing it across the room or toward your lover, or letting it drop to the floor.

Fantasy enactment and role-playing are excellent ways to increase the heat between you and your lover. Start by each describing one or more of your fantasies. Remember to give yourself and your partner lots of permission to fantasize about things you would never want to do in reality. You may feel vulnerable sharing a fantasy that embarrasses you. But sharing your fantasies is an important way to keep your sex life vibrant and alive. Hearing your partner's fantasies might also feed your own imagination.

Once you have identified some fantasies, you can decide together which ones you might want to act out in a role-play. Role-playing can allow you to experience the excitement of your fantasy in more vivid detail. It is still not real, because you are acting, but it can start to feel very real. Adding costumes to your fantasy and role-play will add an even greater sense of the fantasy coming to life.

Role-playing is a great way to add some sexual tension. Fear often plays an important role in fantasies. Fantasies often, but not always, involve some kind of status or power imbalance. This discrepancy in status or power creates tension. Sometimes fantasies are strictly taboo and that's what makes them exciting. Again, the fear factor adds to the excitement. Different people are drawn to different types of fantasies and role-plays. Here are some common themes to explore, if they sound interesting to you.

This fantasy/role-play is for anyone who likes the thrill of the chase. In this role-play, one of you is the hunter and one of you is the prey. The hunter animal gets to be a wild aggressive animal that is hungrily chasing and outwitting its prey. The prey gets to be the fearful helpless object of the hunter's desires. This role-play will likely get you out of the bed and the bedroom and into other parts of the house as the hunter animal tracks down its vulnerable prey.

This fantasy/role-play is for anyone who has ever had a crush on or fantasized about being sexual with her teacher. In this fantasy/role-play, one of you is the teacher and one of you is the student. The teacher has more status and is older and wiser. The student is younger and more naive and vulnerable and has something to learn. In this fantasy, the teacher uses her status to seduce the student into a sexual encounter with her.

This fantasy is for anyone who has ever fantasized about paying for sex or being paid for sex. In this fantasy/role-play, one of you is paid to have sex with the other one. You might set it up so that you meet somewhere in public and pay real money before going home. If you want to make it feel even more real, get a hotel room somewhere.

Any of the ideas and activities in this chapter can be used to increase sexual tension and build arousal. The more time you spend with this, the more prepared you will be to experience satisfying orgasms. But the things you do to turn up the heat are really enjoyable themselves. So linger in these build-up activities and enjoy all they have to offer.

U
sing your hands is a very natural, effective, and satisfying way to bring yourself or your lover to orgasm. The hands have amazing dexterity and are capable of providing tremendous pleasure. Whether you are self-pleasuring with your lover or using your hands to stimulate each other, you have the capacity to make some beautiful music this way. The love you make with your hands is indeed capable of holding its own when compared to the other paths to orgasm.

Self-pleasuring with your lover combines all the benefits of masturbation with the excitement and comfort the presence of your lover can offer. Still, many people are embarrassed by the idea or wonder what the point is. If you feel uncomfortable at the notion of self-pleasuring with a lover, consider the following reasons why opening to this idea might be a rewarding way to stretch your mind and improve your sex life.

It is no wonder that you might feel embarrassed about touching yourself when you are with a lover. Our culture's taboo on masturbation makes touching your own genitals for pleasure shameful at any time, not just when you are alone. But you need not abide by this taboo. You have a right to touch your own body whenever you have the privacy and the desire. You may also suffer from the myth that an orgasm is supposed to be achieved by other some means. Therefore, if you have to use your hands, you are somehow failing. This is as ludicrous as claiming that there is one best flavor of ice cream. There are many ways to have an orgasm. Orgasms that come from your hand or your partner's hand can be just as delicious as any other kind.

There is no good reason why touching yourself in front of your lover should be off limits. Unfortunately, many people feel shy about this. Setting an intention to overcome your inhibitions about self-pleasuring while with a lover could be the greatest gift you ever give to your sex life. This is one of those hurdles that has the potential to liberate your sexuality in ways you never imagined possible.

In order to overcome any shyness, remind yourself that freedom to self-pleasure is something that will contribute to your enjoyment of sex and ultimately your lover's enjoyment too. You may also want to talk with your lover about any scared or vulnerable feelings you have about masturbating in front of him. He may be able to reassure you that he sees nothing wrong with it. It may even turn him on. And finally, you will need to determine the right situations in which you can explore self-pleasuring with your lover.

Sometimes it's just nice to have company when you self-pleasure. Your lover can cuddle you or provide stimulation to your other erogenous zones while you take charge of your genitals. If your lover wants to be sexual when you don't, you might still be able to support him while he masturbates. You can kiss his head, stroke his chest, or look into his eyes and tell him how sexy he is and how much you love him.

Self-pleasuring in front of your lover is a great way to educate him about how you like to be touched. It is also an excellent way for lovers to learn about each other's sexual response. Even if your lover has had previous lovers and has lots of experience with manual stimulation, your body and preferences are unique, and therefore, she will need to spend time learning about you. As you are self-pleasuring, it can be helpful to describe the finer details of what you are doing that may be difficult to observe. For example, you may want to express the importance of having just the right amount of lubrication. Or, you may want to share that you are touching yourself with the lightest touch possible. Perhaps you like to change what you are doing every few strokes. Don't be shy about sharing with your lover what works for you. This will ultimately help him be a better lover for you, something you will both enjoy.

Self-pleasuring is a quick and often a sure way of getting your juices flowing. It can jump-start your arousal and help get you in the mood and ready for other sexual activities with a lover. You can kiss and fondle each other's other erogenous zones, while you each stimulate your own genitals just enough to build some arousal in your body. Touching yourself is the most direct way to prepare yourself for intercourse or other sexual behavior that may benefit from higher levels of arousal.

Self-pleasuring alongside a lover who is also self-pleasuring has several appealing aspects. First, it is the safest possible way to have sex, since it involves no possibility of bodily fluid exchange. Secondly, if you are pressed for time, masturbation might be the quickest way for both of you to orgasm. And thirdly, it is an interesting way to try something new and different. You can lie next to each other, maybe kissing, or caressing each other with your free hands. Alternatively, you can sit or stand facing each other. This gives you both full visual access to each other's bodies. As you look at each other, let yourselves feel your desire. Combine this with erotic talk or fantasy and you are sure to find a new path to ecstasy that you may choose to visit frequently!

You may need some assistance in order to orgasm during sex with a lover. This is particularly true with women, whose primary route to orgasm is the clitoris, which does not always get adequately stimulated during particular sexual behaviors. Some men may also need to manually stimulate themselves to maintain their erection or achieve orgasm during different sexual behaviors. Self-pleasuring can be used to speed things up when time is a factor. And it is handy when one person is exhausted before the other is satisfied. Whatever your reason, you should feel no guilt or shame for wanting or needing to touch yourself to enhance your sexual experience.

The general term for using your hand to stimulate your partner's genitals is manual stimulation. The more common slang terms for this are hand job (typically used to refer to giving a man manual pleasure, although can be used for women too) or fingering (pleasuring a woman's vulva and vagina with your fingers). You can take turns giving and receiving manual stimulation or you can give and receive simultaneously. Because the hands and fingers have such fine coordination, some people prefer manual stimulation above all other sexual behaviors.

When receiving manual stimulation, it is helpful if you can give your lover preliminary suggestions on how to best touch your genitals. Let him know when you really like what he's doing, and when something he's doing is either hurting or not effective at building your arousal. Often this can be done without words. Let yourself make noise as you are receiving his touch. This can give your lover an immediate feedback loop to work with. When you make a pleasurable sound, it means “do more of that!” Receiving touch feels best when you relax and surrender as much as you can. This can be a challenge for some people. Tell yourself that you deserve some time to simply enjoy receiving. The more you can let go, the more pleasure you are likely to enjoy, and the more you are likely to experience profound and satisfying orgasms.

Offering your hands to pleasure your lover is a real gift. Before you start, ask about any specific likes or dislikes your lover may have. Find out if she has any particular recipe for orgasm through manual stimulation. It's always good to get tips from the expert (your lover) when it comes to her orgasm. If your lover does not have much experience receiving manual stimulation, then you can just try different things while asking her about what works and what doesn't. Continue to check in occasionally as you go along to see if you could change anything you're doing to increase her arousal or facilitate orgasm.

In general, your approach should be gentle and you should play close attention to the delicate tissues of the genitals. This will help your lover feel safe to surrender his genitals to your manipulation of them. At the same time, your touch should be confident, allowing your lover to just relax and enjoy, giving him the sense that he is in competent hands. Your initial contact with your lover's bare genitals will set the stage for his being able to surrender to the pleasure you are about to bestow. Your touch should communicate that you really want him to enjoy himself and that you are here to help.