The Everything Orgasm Book (29 page)

Having a disability, illness, or medical condition can greatly impact your sex life, but you need not buy into the myth that you cannot still find pleasure and enjoyment in sex. No matter what your circumstances, if you have some interest in being sexual, there is something you can do about it and some erotic or sensual pleasure available to you. Many different diseases, injuries, surgeries, and drugs can potentially interfere with and impair your sexual responsiveness and your ability or desire to engage in various sexual activities.

There are three distinct ways in which a disability, illness, or medical condition may present challenges to your sex life. First, it could directly affect your reproductive physiology, altering how your sexual organs function. Second, it could affect your general physical ability, making it difficult to engage in or enjoy particular sexual behaviors. And third, your illness or disability may affect you psychologically. It may result in emotional or interpersonal blocks that prevent you from freely enjoying your sexuality.

There are many ways that a disability or medical condition could impair your sexual response. You may experience less desire or arousal. You may lose your ability to ejaculate or orgasm. As a man, you may have erectile difficulty or lack of ejaculatory control. As a woman, you may have increased vaginal dryness. There can also be changes in genital sensation, which could include pain or discomfort, numbness, or burning. This can be unsettling and make you want to avoid focusing any attention whatsoever on your genitals.

A host of general physical health issues that impact your ability to have sex can be present with a disability or illness. General fatigue can rob you of your energy for anything, let alone sexuality. You may have issues with muscle tightness, weakness, spasms, or challenges with mobility or coordination that make it difficult to physically function in particular sexual acts or behaviors. Bladder or bowel dysfunction could present very real challenges to engaging in sex. Numbness, pain, or discomfort anywhere in the body could be so pervasive that it would be hard to direct your attention to enjoying pleasure. Finally, cognitive difficulties can make focusing on sexual pleasure or engaging in a sexual activity a daunting task.

Psychological and emotional challenges may also accompany disability or medical conditions. You may have to deal with society's reaction to your particular disability, circumstance, or predicament. You may experience self-image or body image issues based on how you perceive yourself or how others perceive you. You may feel less sexy or attractive, less feminine or masculine. You may be less confident about your sexuality or fear being rejected because of your circumstances. You may feel inadequate. You may experience more difficulty communicating with your partner or worry about being able to satisfy her. You may experience mood shifts, depression, anger, or a fear of abandonment or isolation as a result of your condition. You may be feeling guilty about being dependent. Any of these can take their toll on and erode your sex life.

There are several keys to enjoying your sex life when you have a disability, illness, or medical condition. The first is to overcome any negative self-perception or feeling that you have about yourself. This process may take time, as self-image issues can be deeply rooted. You may want to consider counseling to support you in this process.

The second key is to adjust your expectations of what sex should look and feel like. You may no longer be able to engage in intercourse. You may have completely lost genital sensation, or be experiencing any number of other limitations or changes. Regardless of your unique circumstances, the more you are able to accept and flow with them, the more likely you will be open to and capable of finding pleasure.

The third key to continuing to enjoy sex is to be open to discovering new paths to erotic or sensual pleasure. You may be limited in the kinds of sexual activities you can engage in or even the kinds of sensations you can feel in your body, but there are many other pleasurable activities and sensations waiting to be discovered. Through your own sexual exploration and discovery, you get to redefine what sex is for you.

The fourth key is to improve your communication skills about both giving and receiving pleasure. This is the perfect opportunity to work on being a better lover. If you put enough attention on it, you could actually improve your skills as a lover and be capable of giving and receiving greater pleasure than ever before.

Not all women find their path to orgasm easily. There are many reasons for this, both psychological and physiological. If you are not sure if you have ever had an orgasm, then you probably have not. An orgasm is a distinct physiological occurrence that would be hard to miss. While you do not have to orgasm in order to enjoy sex, many women feel as though they are missing out on something. You may start to feel cheated if you don't have the same kind of intense sensations your lover experiences from orgasm.

If you are a woman who has never had an orgasm, keep trying. It can take many hours and many attempts over a period of many months to get there, but you will! If you want to orgasm badly enough, it will happen for you. There are many paths. All it takes is some time, some patience, some know-how, and lots of persistence.

The main key to becoming orgasmic is setting aside regular time to pleasure yourself. Give yourself at least two hours, preferably three, to luxuriate in all of the pleasurable sensations you can create in your body. Use your mind, sexual aids, and self-touch. Try masturbating after exercise, when your testosterone levels are up and your body is flooded with endorphins. Start by taking a hot shower or bath to help you relax. If you have already put in a good number of hours trying to bring yourself to orgasm with your own hand to no avail, try using a vibrator.

Some people have very little or no sex drive, or libido. This tends to affect more women than men. It can be caused by numerous factors, both physiological and psychological. For some people, having a low sex drive is not a problem; they are perfectly content with a low libido. Others, however, are troubled by it. They miss having the drive for sex and all of the wonderful feelings and sensations that come with it.

Physiological factors for low libido include pain with sex, certain disabilities and medical conditions, and possibly hormonal imbalances. If you suspect any of these to be the cause of your low libido, you should address this first with your physician. If you have ruled out any physiological causes of your low libido, then the issue may be psychological.

Psychological factors for low libido are numerous. Guilt or shame about your sexuality can be strong enough to shut down your sex drive altogether. For some, it may be far easier to repress all sexual feelings than to have ongoing guilt or shame. A history of physical or sexual abuse can also affect libido. Painful memories can make physical intimacy feel unsafe and thus undesirable. Ongoing dissatisfaction with your sexual encounters or difficulty reaching orgasm is likely to decrease your interest in sex. Getting stuck in a rut or becoming bored with your partner can take its toll. Relationship problems also have the ability to negatively impact your sex drive.

There is certainly a lot you can do if you want to increase your libido. Tapping into your desire for an increased libido is the first step. Let yourself want to feel more sexual desire. The desire has to stem from inside of you, and it can't be about what you should do or what your lover wants you to do. Finding your own motivation has the potential to open up the gates of arousal.

There is some real wisdom in the phrase “use it or lose it.” Libido can be jump-started by engaging more regularly in erotic behavior even when you're not really in the mood. Begin to self-pleasure, even if you don't feel like it. Do your pelvic floor exercises. Seek out sex aids that you sense have the potential to arouse you. Because one of the causes of a low libido is a history of unsatisfying sexual encounters, only engage in sexual encounters that you will enjoy. If you have a history of physical or sexual abuse, you should consider seeking some professional counseling to help you unravel the negative impact it is having on your sexuality.

Both men and women can suffer from pain with sex, particularly intercourse. Such pain is more common in women. There are many different kinds of pain and many potential causes. Needless to say, pain with sex will inevitably affect the quality of your sexual interactions. It can interfere with arousal and orgasm, and it will likely affect your libido in the long run.