The Everything Orgasm Book (31 page)

A more tempered version of power exchange is evident when couples play with the polarity of masculine and feminine energy. One lover may embody the masculine archetype and the other may embody the feminine archetype. This polarity can make for very hot chemistry. Playing with gender polarity is something many people do quite naturally, without even thinking about it. It is possible, however, to cultivate it as a conscious practice. It starts with acknowledging your core essence (masculine or feminine), embracing it, and letting that guide you in your sexuality and your sexual encounters. The masculine archetype, or the top, takes charge of the sexual encounter, guiding it and directing it, whereas the feminine, or the bottom, surrenders, following in the direction that the masculine leads. Of course, in order for this to work, the feminine partner needs to trust that the masculine will lead well, attending to her needs in an effort to satisfy her. Likewise, the masculine partner needs to trust that he will be granted that control and appreciated in his role. When both lovers are able to embody their masculine and feminine roles during sex, magic can happen.

Power exchange can be as scary as it is exciting. You may want to get your feet wet first to see if you like it. Play with the roles briefly by using a blindfold. One of you will take control as the giver, while the other will surrender control as the receiver. With the receiver blindfolded, the giver can apply light touch and caressing at first. The receiver can focus on surrendering, relaxing, and receiving pleasure. As the giver, focus on your lover's responsiveness to your touch. Notice what seems to be working and what doesn't.

The giver should ask for feedback from time to time. As the receiver, see if you can wait to give feedback until you are asked. The only exception is if you are being tremendously annoyed by some aspect of the experience. Part of surrendering control is releasing your expectations and being able to enjoy whatever your lover is offering you in that moment. If you are feeling adventuresome and would like to try more types of sensation, you can add other kinds of erotic touch: pinching, spanking, or slapping. Go at your own pace and only explore in a way that will not harm your relationship in any way.

If you've ever thought that there could be more to sex, then you are probably right. An expansive orgasm is an experience that makes you feel like you are finally approaching your full potential for orgasmic bliss. They are within reach, but you will need to do some groundwork in order to open those channels within you.

Expansive orgasmic experiences go beyond what would be considered a regular genital orgasm. Typical genital orgasms last approximately 3–5 seconds in men and 5–10 seconds in women. They are marked by a series of strong pelvic contractions and a sense of release or “going over the edge.” The focus of pleasurable sensations is primarily in the pelvis and genitals. An expansive orgasm is longer in duration and may include a variety of pleasurable sensations felt throughout the body. It may or may not include the same sense of release. Because of its extended duration, the experience is more like a state than an event. There are many different variations of expansive orgasm. Some of the most common names for these experiences are expanded orgasms, full body orgasms, extended massive orgasms, energy orgasms, transcendent orgasms, and Tantric orgasms.

Just as there are many different ways one might experience a genital orgasm, there are many ways to experience expansive orgasms. Some may feel more energetic, with minimal genital sensation or involvement. The experience is like waves of energy coursing through your entire being, causing your spine to undulate. These waves give you a sense of energetic release and freedom.

Other types of expanded orgasm may have a tremendous amount of erotic charge built into them, spreading warmth and electricity from your genitals outward in all directions. They give you the sense that your entire being is charged with ecstatic energy. They can be understood as a heightened state of arousal that can last for an extended period of time.

Finally, some expanded orgasms combine a genital orgasm with an energetic kind of orgasm. Your entire body experiences the intensity of the orgasmic release as it moves in waves up and down your spine, spreading its warmth and ecstatic vibration throughout your entire being.

Many people experience expansive orgasms as more emotional or spiritual than typical genital orgasms. They are often accompanied with a sense of timelessness. They may include a profound sense of connection or oneness with your lover, your surroundings, and all of life. Some people happen upon such states from their own exploration. Others seek them out and get there by following specific practices.

There are some preparations that can assist you in finding your way to the various types of expanded orgasm. These preparations may take time to master. They involve opening the body in ways that might be new to you. Practice is necessary in order to develop your capacity for expanded orgasm.

Opening Your Mind

The first way to prepare is to open your mind to the possibility of greater and more intense pleasure. If your mind is not open, you will most likely continue the same patterns and routines with sex that you always have. Consequently, you will keep having the same kinds of experiences.

Breath Awareness and Expansion

The second preparation is to bring more awareness to your breath. By focusing on your breath and allowing it to deepen, you will come more into your body and the sensations there. This will also help you access more profoundly relaxed states. You will also become more aware of energy flowing within your body. With this awareness you can begin to release blocks to the flow of this energy. The more conscious you can be of your breath, the more you can use it in a way to assist you in building arousal and expanding the orgasmic energy when the time comes.

Circulating or Streaming Energy

The third preparation is learning to circulate or stream energy through your body. Once you are open and aware of energy in your body, you can begin to consciously amplify it. By channeling and recirculating energy, you can allow it to build until you feel fully charged. This will enable you to experience energy coursing through your entire being. You may experience the energy starting at the base of the spine, traveling all the way up the spine. It may then shoot out the top of your head. Alternatively, the energy may recycle by traveling back down the front of your body to create a continuous loop.

The Journey to Expansive Orgasm

Once you have done some preparation and feel energetically open, you can begin to set a greater intention to experience more expansive orgasms. The following practices can help open the channels within you to such states. These practices can be done alone or with a partner. You should set aside at least two hours, if not three or four. You will be making love to yourself or your lover, and all of the sexual behaviors that you normally engage in can be a part of this practice. It is less about the particular activities and more about the energy you allow to flow within you. You don't have to engage in all of these practices in one encounter. In fact, in the beginning it is probably best to pick just one as your primary focus. You can gradually integrate all three.

Containing More Arousal

Having expansive orgasms requires that you contain high states of arousal. Your ability to deepen your breath and circulate your energy will help tremendously with this, as will your ability to simply relax into pleasurable sensations. You want to be able to stay present with and keep inviting in more sensation. If it feels like too much at any point, go back to focusing on your breathing. In comparison, when you go for a genital orgasm, you are looking to climax and then dissipate your energy. Instead, expanded orgasm practices seek to sustain a high state of energy and arousal, without looking to discharge it.

Spreading the Sweet Spot

As you focus on the pleasurable sensations in your genitals, you can begin to allow that pleasure to spread to the tissues nearby. This can be aided by varying the stimulation to make it lighter and broader. It also helps to focus on relaxing the tissues in the rest of your body, inviting all areas to open and receive the pleasure. See how far you can spread the ecstatic sensations into the rest of your being.

Expand Your Sense of Connection and Oneness

Expanding a sense of connection and oneness to your lover, your surroundings, and all of life will support a more expansive orgasmic experience. If you are with a lover, you can practice being present with each other by looking into each other's eyes and breathing together. See if you can feel each other's energy bodies. Let yourselves feel your desire for each other. Let it fill you. Breathe it in. Sometimes this is all it takes to help you access more expansive states.

Anal Intercourse
A sexual act in which a man inserts his penis into another person's anus.

Anal Play
Any anal stimulation or penetration using a penis, fingers, tongue, or sex toy.

Analingus
A method of anal or oral sex, also known as anal-oral contact, in which one person's mouth and tongue are used to stimulate another person's anus.

Aphrodisiac
A substance believed to increase sexual desire; it can be from a physical or emotional source.

BDSM
An abbreviation for Bondage and Discipline and Sadism and Masochism, forms of power exchange.

Cunnilingus
Oral stimulation of the female genitals.

Erogenous Zone
Areas of the body with heightened sensitivity; stimulation of these areas results in arousal and/or sexual response.

Erotica
Literature or art referencing sexuality, usually with the intent to incite sexual desire, while still maintaining a sense of artistic endeavor.

Estrogen
The predominant female hormone.

Explicit Media
Any media that depicts explicit or graphic sexual images or descriptions of sexual acts.

Fellatio
Oral stimulation of the male genitals.

Fingering
Using one's fingers to stimulate the clitoris, vagina, or anus.

Foreplay
Any erotic stimulation between lovers that comes before sexual intercourse.

Genitals
External sex organs.

G-Spot
A sexually sensitive area on the upper wall of the vagina approximately two inches from the vaginal opening that when stimulated can lead to orgasm and female ejaculation.

Hand Job
Manual stimulation; the use of a hand to stimulate the penis or the vulva.

Intercourse
A sexual act in which the penis is inserted into the vagina or anus.

Kegels
Exercises to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles.

Libido
Sexual desire or sex drive.

Masturbation
Sexually pleasing one's genitals through self-stimulation.

Menopause
The process of the termination of a woman's menstrual cycle and reproductive capacity.

Multiple Orgasm
Having several orgasms occurring in succession.

Orgasm
Sexual climax with intense pleasure, usually accompanied by a series of involuntary contractions of the sexual organs, the anus, and the pelvic muscles.

Pegging
A sexual act in which a female penetrates a man's anus with a strap-on dildo.

Personal Lubricant
A synthetic slippery substance applied to the genitals, erogenous zones, or fingers to assist in stimulation and penetration.

Power Exchange
A mutually consensual type of sexual role-play, wherein one partner has control or power over the other partner.

Pre-Orgasmic
Not having yet experienced orgasm.

P-Spot
A sexually sensitive part of the prostate gland in the lower rectum of men; Similar to the female G-spot

Self-Pleasuring
Erotic solo play; masturbation.

Sex Aid
Any item used to help increase sexual desire or enhance sexual pleasure, such as explicit media, sex toys, or props.

Sex Toy
Object used to enhance pleasure during sexual acts, such as a dildo, cock ring, or vibrator.

STD/STI
Sexually transmitted disease/Sexually transmitted infections; diseases or infections that have been transmitted through sexual contact.

Tantra
A form of yoga based on Hindu or Buddhist philosophy whose goal is to achieve ecstasy or nirvana through esoteric and sometimes erotic practices; sexual union of a woman and man; Sanskrit for
woven together.

Testosterone
The predominant male sex hormone, also found in smaller quantities in women.

Vasocongestion
The accumulation of blood in the genital tissues as a result of sexual excitement, causing swelling and erection. Also referred to as
engorgement
.