The Fading Trilogy: Fading, Freeing, Falling: Includes 2 BONUS short stories: Hoping and Finding Forever (58 page)

"You were amazing, dear," she says as she walks toward me.

I haven't spoken to her since Ryan and I broke up. She has called several times, but I knew it would hurt too much to answer. Donna filled a place in my heart that was only hers to fill. She's the mother I'd always wanted—the one I'd always needed.

"What are you doing here?"

Pulling me into her arms, I savor her embrace as she says, "I told you I would be here." Leaning back, she adds, "I couldn't miss seeing you dance. You were beautiful. I knew you were amazing, but I just had no idea you were that amazing."

"Thank you," I say as a smile breaks across my face. "I still can't believe you're here."

"I tried calling a few times, but—"

"I'm sorry. I know you called. It just...It hurt to lose Ryan, but it hurt to lose you too."

"You didn't lose me. I love you, dear. You will always have me whenever you need me. I know Ryan hurt you, and I understand it might be easier if I'm not around, but please know that I am always here for you."

Her words hit where they always hit: deep inside. My chin quivers as I try not to cry, and I go in for another hug. When she wraps her comforting arms around me, I let the tears free. "I'm glad you came. I've missed talking to you." When I step back, I add, "But you're right, it hurts. You were the best gift Ryan ever gave me, but I need the space right now."

"Of course. I understand."

"I'm sorry."

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. I am so proud of you. You will do amazing things. Just keep following that strong heart of yours."

"Thank you, Donna. Really...thank you for everything."

"Well, I better get going. Congratulations."

I smile at her one last time as she turns to walk out of the building. Another pang of loss eats me from the inside and I cry. I don't fight it; I just let it envelop me. After a few minutes, I walk outside into the cold rainy night and welcome the chilling drops that plunk down on me and mix with my hot tears. I keep telling myself it'll be okay, because I know it will be. I have to believe in that.

A few days after the production, the calls started coming in. I was offered placements in five companies. Pacific Northwest Ballet here in Seattle was one of them, but when the call came from the American Ballet Theatre in New York, one of the most respected ballet companies in the world, I couldn't say no. My dreams of dancing full-length classics such as Swan Lake and La Bayadere at the Met are about to come true. I can hardly believe it. Life has been a total whirlwind since I accepted their offer.

Graduation is in two weeks, so I have been busy packing up my room and researching apartments in New York City. I found a flat in a walk up that is close to Lincoln Center, where I will be dancing every day. I rented a storage unit here in Seattle to store some of my furniture and the boxes of things I don't need or won't have space for. Once I'm more settled I will figure out what to do with everything.

Everyone is out of town for Memorial Day weekend. I stayed behind because I just had too much to do. Kimber is still seeing Seth even though he is moving to California for grad school. She says they aren't in love or anything, just having fun. They went to Whistler for four days while Mark and Jase went to Vegas.

It's Saturday night, and while everyone is on vacation, I am sitting on the floor of my trashed room, trying to sort through all of my things, deciding what to throw away, what to take with me, and what to leave behind in storage.

My phone rings and when I pick it up, I see it's Kimber calling and that it's already past midnight. Swiping my phone, I answer, "Hey, Kimber."

"Candace, hey." Her voice is shaky and slow.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. Uh...Candace, Seth just got a call from one of his fraternity brothers, and I need to talk to you about something."

My mind immediately goes to Jack. Why else would I care about any news from Seth's frat house?

"Okay. What's up?"

There is a long pause before she speaks.

"Jack's dead."

I swear my heart stops when she tells me this, and I have to remember to breathe.

"What?"

"Yeah. It happened earlier today. A drunk driving accident."

"Oh." I don't know what to say. I feel numb.

"Look, I can come home if you need me to. I just wanted to tell you before you saw it on TV or something."

"No, I'm fine. Really." For some reason, I feel tears threatening, and I rush to get off the phone. "You guys have fun. I'm about to go to bed. I'll talk to you later."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Bye."

When she hangs up, I set the phone down. I feel the tears run down my face, but I don't make a sound.
Jack's dead
. I keep saying it to myself over and over.
He's dead
. The more I say it, the more my emotions well up. I want to shut down, but I know I need to force myself to feel whatever it is that is brewing inside of me.

When I choke back a breath, that's when I begin to cry. I'm not sure why I'm crying. I'm so confused. I don't know what I'm feeling, but it feels a lot like sadness. But why am I sad? Shouldn't I be happy? But I'm not happy. He's dead. God, what's wrong with me? I shouldn't be feeling sad for the guy who raped me. I should be relieved—relieved that I don't have to be scared of him anymore. I begin to sob, my emotions overtake me, and I know for sure: this is hurt and sadness.

I pick up the phone to call Jase, but it just goes to voicemail. I hate that I'm feeling this way. I lie on the floor in the middle of my messy room, and curl into a ball. I try to slow my breathing, but everything about Jack starts flashing through my mind: meeting him for the first time at the club, dancing with him at Remedy, kissing him in his car. Why am I thinking this way? I should be thinking about the asshole that raped me, broke me, destroyed me. He ruined my life, and I'm sobbing on my floor because I feel bad for him.

I need to run away. I know I shouldn't, but I just need to escape. I throw on my running shoes and walk outside. It's the middle of the night, and the streets are quiet. It's raining, but I don't care. I just walk. I walk and cry as the drops fall from the sky. I don't know how long I've been walking or where I'm even going. My running shorts and t-shirt are soaked through, and my hair is drenched in a bun on top of my head. I wander through the streets, unable to calm myself down.

When I turn onto yet another street, my vision blurred by my tears, I start walking up stairs—familiar stairs. When I knock on the door and no one answers, a fresh wave of tears break free. I feel so alone.

Hearing the click of the lock, I look up as the door opens, and my stomach clenches when I see his clear-blue eyes staring at me. I start sobbing and fall into his chest. He quickly wraps his arms around me, and I cling desperately to him. It's been months since I've touched him. I melt into him, and he reaches down, slipping his arm behind my knees and scoops me up, cradling me in his arms as he walks me inside.

When he sits us down on his couch, I remain in his arms, curled in his lap. I lay my head on the curve of his shoulder as he holds onto me tightly, as if he's scared I'll slip away. When my cries soften into short breaths and hiccups, he asks, "Baby, what happened?"

I lift my head and look at Ryan. He reaches up and strokes my cheek with his knuckles.

Shaking my head, still confused, I tell him, "Jack died tonight."

He lets out a deep breath and leans his forehead to mine. When he does, I let out all my thoughts in a blubbering mess. "I'm sorry. I didn't know where to go. I'm so confused. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Slow down, babe."

"Should I be happy? Or relieved?" I ask, desperate for someone to tell me how I should be feeling.

"Well, what do you feel right now?" he asks as he tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear.

"Sad. And hurt. I don't know why. It's like all I can think about is Jack when he was good. Or when I thought he was. But I know he wasn't. I know I should hate him. But, if I'm sad, does that mean I don't hate him?"

"I think you're just in shock. I think you need a little time to sort this out in your head."

I lay my head back down on his shoulder, when he says, "Let me go get you a towel. You're freezing."

I nod my head and scoot off his lap and onto the couch. He returns with two big towels and wraps one of them around my shoulders. Sitting next to me, he pulls me back into him.

"You need anything to drink?"

I lean back forward and let my head hang down. Wrapping my arms around myself, I shake my head no. Ryan's hand runs up my back and onto my shoulder as he tugs me back.

"Talk to me."

I sigh and say, "I'm sorry. I didn't even realize I was here until I was in front of your door."

"I'm glad you're here." He cups my cheek with his hand and says, "I've missed you so much."

His words hurt. They hurt because I know how he feels. I've missed him too. I've been trying not to. Trying so hard to not think about him, but he's always been there. Without even thinking, I reach up and run my hand down the side of his face as I feel my own face scrunch up, and I start to cry again.

"Baby, don't cry," he says as he brushes his thumbs over my cheeks.

Being here, in his house, on this couch where we've made love, and in his arms, I just want to go back to when it was all good. When I didn't know about the lies. When I was safe and we were so in love. But, I can't. I can't go back there again and make myself that vulnerable.

He leans down and presses his lips to my forehead, and I have to force myself to not take more. Pulling back, I shake my head and say, "I can't."

"Babe."

"I can't. It hurts so bad, I just can't"

"I swear to you, I will never hurt you again."

"But you swore you wouldn't hurt me before and you did."

Lowering his head slightly to look into my eyes straight on, he affirms, "I love you. God, I love you so much."

He moves his head in slowly. I can smell his sweet minty breath. I've missed that smell. His lips barely skim mine when I pull back slightly.

"I'm moving," I say on a hush.

Lifting his head up, he looks at me with his brows knitted together.

"I got a job. I'm moving to New York in two weeks."

He looks down and shakes his head slowly as I say, "You can't kiss me." My cries begin to intensify. "If you do...I'll never want to leave you."

"Then I'll come with you."

"Ryan...I just can't. I'm too scared you'll hurt me again. I just need to be on my own. I've been working so hard to pull myself out of the hell I've been living in."

"I know you have. I ask Jase about you all the time. He's told me how well you're doing. I just wish I could be around to see it, babe." He chokes on his words and drops his head. When he looks back up at me, his eyes are rimmed with tears. "All I ever wanted was for you to be okay, to be happy."

"I'm okay," I affirm.

We sit there while time slowly passes. I thought I would always be with Ryan. I thought he was it for me. I wanted him to be it for me. A part of me stills does, but I push that part deep down, because it hurts to feel it. I love Ryan. Despite everything that happened, I still love him. I'm not sure how long it will take for these feelings to fade, but I really wish they would because missing him is excruciating.

"Do you think you could drive me home?" I ask after a while.

"Yeah," he whispers, and I know he doesn't want to.

He helps me into his jeep and drives me the few minutes to my house. When he pulls into my driveway, he asks, "Can I walk you in?"

"Ryan," I sigh out.

He nods his head, understanding that I don't think it's a good idea.

When I grab the handle to open the door, he says, "I'll never love anyone the way that I love you."

I turn my head back to look at him, and I know my face is reflecting the pain that is wracking me as my tears fall. I nod my head, my only way of letting him know I feel the same way toward him. I can't speak. I don't know how. My sobs start to break through when I open the door and walk away from the only person I never wanted to walk away from.