The Fading Trilogy: Fading, Freeing, Falling: Includes 2 BONUS short stories: Hoping and Finding Forever (9 page)

"Miss?"

"I don't know," is all I can manage to say, my only attempt at a response to his very confusing question.

I move my eyes downward to look at my body, and I am covered in a grey wool blanket. Suddenly, I remember that I am naked beneath this blanket. Embarrassment wells up inside of me, and I begin to sob uncontrollably.

"I want to go home!" I choke out. "I want to go home!!" I barely recognize my own voice. The panic I hear in myself is frightening.

We stop abruptly, and the smell of fresh air envelops the ambulance as the doors to the cab open. As I am rolled out, I watch the white light move up and over the top of my head. I want to cover my face with my hands, but they are still strapped down. I start choking on short breaths between sobs.
Where are they taking me? What's going to happen?
I feel completely out of control, and I live for control.

There is a lot of noise and people chattering while I am being wheeled into the hospital. I'm finding it hard to hear what they are saying over my crying and heaving breaths. But the whole world stops moving when I hear that unmistakable word.
Don't say that word.
I can't move. I can't blink. I can't do anything. This isn't me. This can't be me.

I am wheeled into a private exam room, and there are several nurses moving around and checking the IV that must have been put in place while I was unconscious. My legs and arms are finally unstrapped, but I no longer feel the need to move. I just lie there. Still. One of the nurses stands by me and asks, "Ma'am, my name is Allie. I need to ask you some basic questions. Is that okay?"

I nod my head.

"Can you tell me your name?"

I look at the nurse and she looks to be in her thirties. She's pretty, with a short blonde bob and almost emerald eyes. Her scrubs are green, which make her eyes appear extremely vibrant. She has flawless makeup, especially her black eyeliner. The stethoscope's cord that hangs around her neck is hot pink, and I figure that outside of work, she must have a flair for style. I don't really know, I'm just imagining.

I feel my hand warm, and I look down to see that she is now holding it. I look back up at her green eyes. "Candace," I whisper.

Taking her hand from mine, she starts writing on the clipboard she is holding.

"Last name?"

"Parker."

She continues through the questions as she fills out my chart with all of my information. When she finishes, she tells me that she is going to call another nurse who handles cases like mine to come in and talk with me.

"Would you like to call anyone?" she asks me.

I shake my head no. I don't want to talk to anyone. How would I even begin to explain this?

"Would you like me to call someone for you? Sometimes it's easier if you have a friend here with you."

Looking up at Allie, my eyes begin to fill with tears again. I do want my friend here. I want him here so badly, but I am so embarrassed. What will I even say? All I know is that I want Jase here.

"You'll call for me?" I ask, my voice shaky.

"Of course," she says softly.

"Jase. You can call Jase," I say. I give her his number, and she leaves the room.

I am only alone for a few minutes when a doctor wearing a white coat enters my room, along with another nurse who is carrying a white cardboard box. She sets it down on a table, walks over to me, and stands next to the doctor who is holding a steel box clipboard and is looking at it intently. When she looks up at me, she says, "Hello, Ms. Parker, I'm Dr. Langston. I am ordering a CT scan to rule out any evidence of a cerebral hemorrhage and a set of x-rays to be certain you don't have any fractures or broken bones."

I hear her words, but nothing makes sense to me. So I just lie there while tears stream down my temples and into my hair.

She sets the clipboard down, walks over to me, and assesses my face. She shines a small flashlight into each of my eyes then steps away as she puts the light back into the pocket on her white coat.

"This is Julia, and she is the Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner for the hospital. She's going to talk to you while we are waiting to run those scans, okay?" She says this all so matter-of-factly, and I'm not sure how to even react, so I just whisper, "Okay."

Dr. Langston proceeds to walk out of the room and closes the door behind her.

"Hi, Candace," Julia says in a soft, pleasant tone. I wonder if they teach everyone here how to talk to people like me, because they all sound the same. Gentle, as if they could break me with their words. "I need to know if you want to complete a sexual assault evidence kit examination."

I feel my heart rate pick up and anxiety kicks in. "I'm sorry. What?" I ask.

"A rape kit," she says. "It is an exam that is used to collect DNA evidence." She continues to talk to me and goes into more explanation, but her voice becomes distant. How is this happening to me? I don't know what to do. I look back at Julia to see her looking at me, and she's no longer talking.

I shake my head and say, "I don't know. I...I don't know."

"How about if we just talk? Can I ask you a few questions about what happened tonight?"

"Okay," I say unsurely.

She picks up her clipboard and pen, and then asks, "Do you know who did this?"

I hesitate before answering, "Uh huh."

"Can you tell me his name?"

"Why? What's going to happen?" I'm extremely nervous, and I'm not sure how much I should say.

"Nothing will happen unless you want to press charges."

"I don't," I immediately say. God, I don't want anyone to know about this.

The door slowly opens, and Allie pops her head in as she quietly says, "Jase is here. Would you like me to send him in?"

"Does he know?" I ask. "Did you tell him?"

Stepping in, she closes the door behind her. She walks over and sits down on a chair that's next to me.

"No. All he knows is that you were brought here by ambulance," she says softly.

"I don't know what to say." I look at Allie with a pleading expression on my face. There is no way I can tell Jase. I mean...I want him to know, I just don't want to be the one who tells him.

Nodding her head, she says, "It's okay. We will help you. Would you like me to bring him in?"

"Can you talk to him? Alone?" I ask. I don't want to hear what she is going to say, and I definitely do not want to see his reaction when she tells him.

"If you want me to, I will. How much do you want me to tell him?"

"Everything," I say softly.

"Okay. I'll be back in a few minutes." Allie stands up and makes her way out of the exam room.

I let out a sigh, and Julia continues asking questions about what happened. I don't tell her Jack's name, but I go ahead and tell her everything that happened tonight, starting from my house. She asks me to go into detail about the attack. She wants to know every part of my body that was touched, all the places his saliva could possibly be, and the questions seem to go on forever.

I look up when the door opens again, and Jase is there. I fall apart when I see the horrified expression on his face, and he rushes over to me and wraps my head in his arms. He keeps kissing the top of my head and repeating that he loves me as sobs wrack through my body. I slowly start to calm down, and the tears begin to subside. Jase sits down and looks at Julia.

"So, what's going on? Is she okay?" he asks her while holding my hand.

"We have just completed the written account of the assault." She looks at me and continues, "The next step, if you choose, is to complete a physical exam to collect evidence. We can do this whether you choose to press charges or not."

I look at Jase and shake my head, not knowing what to do.

Jase looks back at her and asks, "What's the exam?"

The nurse picks up the same white cardboard box that I saw her walk in with. "This is the rape kit. There are sixteen different pieces of evidence we collect. You are in total control of the exam. You say 'stop,' we stop. I will explain each step as we go so you know exactly what to expect."

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"It can take around four to six hours."

"What?! No," I say to her. I look back at Jase with wide eyes and sternly repeat, "No."

"Candace, I really think you should do it. I get that you're scared right now, but maybe in a few days you might feel differently about this." He turns and asks Julia, "If she does this exam, then what?"

"If she decides to press charges, we will hand over the kit to the police. If not, we keep the kit here. If she changes her mind about prosecuting, then at that time, we will hand the kit over to the criminal lab."

Jase squeezes my hand, "I'm right here. I think you should do this, sweetie." I have never seen this look on Jase before. I know he loves me, and I can trust him. I nod my head, and I fight back the tears that are threatening to spill over.

"Since the doctor has ordered a CT scan and x-rays, we will need to wait until after those tests are run. When you get back, we will begin the exam." She gives me a concerned look as she continues, "I want to let you know what to expect when you are taken for those tests. The nurses and techs will refrain from touching you as much as possible. I want you to try and stay calm and still. They will move you to and from this gurney by lifting the sheet that is underneath you. Okay?"

Nodding my head, I respond, "Okay."

"The scans shouldn't take that long, but your friend will have to stay here."

I look up at Jase before looking back at Julia, and ask, "He can't come with me?"

Shaking her head gently, she says, "No, I'm sorry."

Jase assures me that it will be okay, and all I can do is trust him. But I'm scared to be alone, even if it is for a little while. Feeling like I have lost control is making me very upset, when Dr. Langston returns to tell me they are ready to take me back.

When I am wheeled back into the exam room, both Julia and Jase are there waiting for me.

"You okay?" Jase asks as he comes to stand next to me.

"Yeah."

Julia picks up the white box and opens it, pulling out several white envelopes and lays them down on one of the stainless steel carts that are in the room. "We are going to start by collecting your clothes, okay?"

"Okay."

She walks to the private bathroom, and when she comes out she says, "Candace, I need for you to carefully remove all of your clothing, including your jewelry. I have laid down a large sheet of paper that is there to collect any evidence that may fall off of your clothes or body. Just stand on the paper while you undress, hand me each article of clothing as you remove it, and I will place each piece in a separate evidence bag. There is a hospital gown hanging on the door that you can change into."

"Do you want me to leave?" Jase asks.

I grab onto his arm tightly, "No. I don't want to be alone."

Jase nods and helps me off of the bed. I clutch onto the wool blanket that is still covering me, and I walk into the bathroom. I hand the blanket to Julia and step onto the paper that is lying on the floor. I look down at my body and start to cry. My shirt and bra are ripped and hanging off my shoulders. I quickly notice that I am bare from the waist down.

I jerk around and frantically ask, "What happened to my pants?"

"The EMTs collected them. We already have them."

I nod and look up at Jase as my body trembles.

"It's okay," he reassures me.

I slowly remove my tattered clothing and hand each piece to the nurse. The paper beneath my feet crumples with every movement as if it's taunting me as a continuous reminder of the misery I feel. The last item I remove is my necklace, and I watch as it is placed inside a ziplock evidence bag. When I turn to pick up the hospital gown, I catch my reflection in the mirror. My body freezes as I observe the face staring back at me.

My left eye is bruised and swollen and the whole side of my face is scratched and covered in dried blood and dirt. My eyes are bloodshot and puffy from all the crying. I hardly recognize myself. I turn away from my image in the reflection, slip on the hospital gown, and step off of the paper.