The Fear of Letting Go (13 page)

“What were you going to say?” he asks.

“That you were really great out there tonight,” I say. I swallow, my throat thick with nerves. “You saved her life.”

“You were the one who found her,” he says.

“We make a good team, I think.”

“Yeah, we really do,” he says. His eyes are on my face, but I'm scared to meet his gaze. Afraid if I do, it will all come crashing down and I won't be able to resist these feelings growing inside.

“I'm just glad she's okay,” he says. “I was so scared, when I saw her lying there, that she was...”

His voice trails off, but I know what he's feeling. I felt exactly the same way when I caught sight of her small body, lying there so still and lifeless.

“I can't even think what might have happened if we hadn't found her exactly when we did,” I say.

“I know this is going to sound strange,” he begins, his weight shifting from one foot to the other. “Maybe even crazy. But there's this feeling that we were meant to find her. That we were meant to be out there, together. Is that weird?”

I shake my head. “Not at all,” I say. “If we hadn't been stuck together in that elevator or the power hadn't come back on exactly when it did. Or if your mother hadn't been there to tell us about the girl. If any one thing had gone differently, we might not have been there to find her before the second tornado hit,” I say. “How can that be anything other than fate?”

With that one last word, I finally lift my eyes to his. The moment is electric. Something passes between us that shakes me so deeply, I feel as if I've been knocked off balance. I feel as if I'm falling, losing my grip on reality.

Can this be real?

I've never been one to believe in fate or wildly romantic notions of love or soul mates, but for a single moment, that's what this feels like. I'm standing here with the most unlikely man in the universe, feeling so drawn to him I can barely keep my feet on the ground.

Desire flashes in his eyes and he steps forward, lifting a hand to my neck and pressing his body against mine. We stare into each other's eyes, and I know this is the moment of decision. One crazy night on top of a water tower can be explained away as a moment of temporary insanity, but in less than twenty-four hours, our relationship has deepened beyond something casual. I know I should make some excuse, get in my car and drive away as fast as I can. But I have reached the end of my willpower. I can no longer resist whatever's happening between us.

My hands circle his waist, pulling him closer. He lowers his lips to mine, tugging on the back of my neck.

Passion releases inside me, the floodgates of all the built-up emotion from this night opening with a vengeance.

His other arm circles around my back, his hand sliding under the sweater and finding my cold bare skin with his warmth.

My lips part and we kiss each other hungrily. I want so much more than just the taste of his tongue against mine and the feel of his hands on my skin. I want to explore every inch of his body. I want to feel him inside me.

But then I remember what I told him in the elevator, and fear brings hesitation. I pull away, turning my head to the side and leaning against the door of my truck.

“What's wrong?” he asks, breathless, his hands still reaching for me.

He moves close and leans his forehead against mine as our chests rise and fall together.

“What are we doing?” I ask. I feel dangerously close to tears.

“I believe it's called kissing,” he says with a smile.

I shake my head. “That's not what I mean, and you know it.”

“Are we back to the conversation about this being complicated?” he asks. “Already?”

I place my hands on his chest and push him back. I can't breathe with him so close. “Listen, I'm usually the last person in the world to start asking where things are going in a relationship, because I usually don't get this far,” I say. “I like to keep things simple, but with us, it can never be simple. Can't you see that?”

“Jenna, I'm not some jerk looking to score with you,” he says. “I think we could really have something here. I haven't wanted to be with someone this much in so long, I can't even remember the last time. What is it you're so afraid of?”

My heart skips a beat and panic rushes through me. “Everything,” I say. “I've let you in on more secrets I never meant to share, in the past week, than with anyone since I moved here. That scares the crap out of me. That stuff I told you in the elevator? That was just the beginning of it. There are so many things you don't want to know about me, Preston, and I'm scared that once you find out, you'll never look at me the same way again.”

“So, you think I'm just going to judge you on your past and walk away? You think what you told me back there scared me? Well, I'm still here, aren't I? Hearing about your past and everything you've survived just makes me want you more,” he says. He runs a shaky hand through his thick dark hair. “Yes, starting something new is scary. Relationships are risky and messy sometimes, but when you find someone who makes you feel more alive than you ever have before, you don't just walk away.”

“What kind of relationship could we possibly have?” I ask him. “Your mother already hates me. There's no way your father is going to approve of you dating a girl with a past like mine. I don't fit into your world, Preston. We have to think about that, at least, before we get to the point where someone is going to get hurt.”

“I'm already there, Jenna,” he says softly. The look in his eyes is pure torture, and I wonder how things got out of hand so quickly. He moves toward me and takes my hands in his. “I don't care what my parents think. And like it or not, you're already a part of my world. This doesn't have to be about the money or the things we've done in the past. I'm not asking you for any kind of commitment. Can't this just be about two people having fun?”

My eyes snap to his, my heart racing.

“I'm willing to slow things down if that's what you want. No pressure or expectations, but you need to know that I'm crazy about you,” he says. “I have been for a long time now. And Sunday night? That was one of the best nights of my life. Every time I'm with you, I never want the night to end. And every time it does, I'm counting the hours until I see you again. If you don't feel the same way, tell me now and I'll walk away. But if you feel even half of what I'm feeling right now, I'm asking you to take a chance here.”

The night grows still and I lose all sense of time and place. I'm terrified of what's happening between us, but I know that if I walk away from this moment, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

As I stare into his deep brown eyes, something inside me lets go. I allow myself to think of what it would be like to truly let someone into my life. To stop trying so hard to hide behind these walls, and just be myself with someone.

I reach up and wipe a streak of red mud from his cheek. “Okay,” I say, a flood of excitement and fear washing over me. “But we keep it light. No expectations. No girlfriend and boyfriend. Just fun times until graduation.”

“Deal.” Preston smiles, and gathers me into his arms. He swings me around, and when he sets my feet back on the ground, we're both laughing.

“Now, come on,” I say. “Let's go find some place to wash all this mud off.”

**

“Where are we headed?” Preston asks.

“That depends on whether you have any food at your place,” I say. “I'm starving. We never got to eat dinner.”

“There's nothing at my apartment,” he says. “And with the power out, we're going to be taking cold showers. Unless...”

I raise an eyebrow. “Unless what?”

“Unless you want to go to my parents' house,” he says, making a face.

I shake my head. “No way. I do not want to have to face your mother for the second time tonight.”

“It's not as bad as it sounds,” he says. “Plus, there's food and a generator powerful enough to keep the whole estate running for days. I swear, you'll never even see her. My parents are already fast asleep, trust me. We'll get you settled in the pool house, and I'll go forage for food in the main house.”

I hesitate. A hot shower sounds much better than a cold one, but I don't want to risk running into his parents.

“There's a hot tub,” he says.

I sigh. “Okay, I'm sold,” I say. “But any sign of your parents, and I'm leaving.”

“Fine, but there won't be.” He motions to his Escalade. “Get in. We can just leave your truck here and come back and get it in the morning.”

“Uh uh,” I say, shaking my head. “I may be willing to take a chance on us, but that doesn't mean I'm ready for the whole town to be talking about us shacking up together after the big tornado. Why don't you follow me back to my apartment and we'll go from there?”

He laughs. “Fair enough.”

He follows me a few miles back to my apartment and as I drive, I'm shocked at the damage throughout town. Trees around the courthouse are blown over and lying across the sidewalk. A child's tricycle is overturned, hanging out into the street. Garbage cans have toppled over, their contents scattered through people's yards. At least most of the mess is going to be easy to clean up, but my heart goes out to the families outside of town, like the Powells and the Wilkes, whose homes have been destroyed.

I have to work tomorrow night, but maybe Preston and I can see if there's anything we can do to help during the day.

When we get to my apartment, I run up and stuff a change of clothes into my backpack before heading back down to his car. By the time we get to his parents' house, my imagination has kicked into overdrive. Hot showers. A hot tub. What exactly have I gotten myself into? And just how far are we planning to go?

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. It's only a few months until graduation. Why not have a little fun before I leave? I'm tired of resisting him, and he's right, we do always seem to have a great time when we're together. No expectations and no regrets.

All I have to do is make sure I don't fall in love with him. How hard can that really be?

Preston

I wave to our security guard, Jason, and the iron gate leading to my parents' estate slowly retracts. I pull the Escalade into the driveway and park just outside the garage.

Jenna and I quietly make our way, hand-in-hand, around the side of the house and go through the back door of the pool house.

“Damn, I forgot my bathing suit,” she says.

I consider suggesting she doesn't need one, but decide not to test my luck just yet.

“Don't worry. We have tons of extras,” I say. I open the door to the guest suite and show her to the closet. There are dozens of swim suits hanging up, tags still attached.

She puts a hand on her hip. “You've got to be kidding me,” she says. She flips the tag over on one of the suits and whistles. “You guys have four hundred dollar bathing suits in a variety of styles and sizes just on the off occasion someone stops by needing a suit?”

“It happens more than you think,” I say.

“Shit, I'm sure,” she says. “If I was a different kind of person, I'd be over here once a week accidentally forgetting my own suit so I could have a peek at this week's arRob of fine goods.”

I laugh, but feel a little embarrassed. I'd never given those suits a second though until now, but to someone who doesn't have a lot of money, it must seem kind of ridiculous.

“I'm going to hop over to the other suite and take a quick shower to wash off this mud,” I say. “There's a shower in here for you with shampoo and whatever you need. Unless you want to join me in the other room?”

One corner of her mouth curls into a sexy smile. “I'll meet you by the pool in ten minutes?”

Damn. Was worth a shot. “Sounds good,” I say.

“And bring food,” she calls after me.

I had almost forgotten about the food. It's like my brain doesn't totally work when I'm around her. I can't believe she's finally letting down her walls and spending time with me, but as I walk toward the main house, I realize what kind of corner I've just painted myself into with her.

We're dating, but I can't call her my girlfriend. We can't talk about any kind of future together. And once graduation comes in May, it's over between us.

Something heavy knots in my stomach. Isn't that what I wanted? Just someone to have fun with for a while? No talk of marriage or pressure to be anything but myself?

I grab a tRob from the linen closet and pile it high with cheese, fruit, bread and sliced turkey. My stomach growls as I bring the food back out to the pool and set it on a table near the backside of the house. I rush inside to shower and change into my suit, but the whole time I'm in there, I can't help but shake the feeling of dread that graduation day is going to come much too soon.

Jenna

Preston is already in the pool, and he turns as I walk out the door. His eyes travel from my head all the way down to my toes, and I squirm under his scrutiny. This isn't the first time I've worn a bikini around him, but this is the first time since our kiss that he's seen me so undressed. I feel incredibly naked and vulnerable for the first time in a long time.

“Damn. You look gorgeous,” he says. He swims to the edge of the pool and pulls himself out of the water. His body radiates heat as he pulls me into his arms again.

“Is the pool heated, too?”

“Yes,” he says. “I guess it seems pretty indulgent considering most of the town is without power right now.”

“You think?” I say, teasing. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with the idea of luxury. But it's so foreign to me, the way his family spends money without a care in the world. What must it be like to live like that? Never worrying about your power getting turned off, or your car breaking down. Being able to spend thousands of dollars on bathing suits for guests who happen to stop by. I honestly can't even imagine it.

“Are you still hungry?” he asks.

“Hungry doesn't even begin to describe the way I feel right now,” I say with a laugh. “Ravenous is more like it.”

He motions toward the tRob full of food.