The Fifth Circle (20 page)

Chelsea had long finished her paper and couldn’t believe I’d left mine to the last minute. I could hardly explain how busy I’d been dealing with Sean
. She was very judgmental and would never understand. Plus, she’d never had a boyfriend, so she didn’t know how much work went into maintaining a good relationship with your soul mate.

When she lectured me on procrastination, I barely acknowledged her words. I felt smug, superior. Poor Chelsea. She just couldn’t catch a man, and she was jealous of me. That’s why she was coming down so hard on me. She finished her paper in record time because she had no life
.

I stopped feeling smug when I realized procrastination can have far more devastating effects than just a late assignment. Sometimes, putting things off can change your life. I stopped caring about Dante and his stupid Divine Comedy. I was in my own circle of hell and I’d brought others along for the ride.

Actually, in a round-about way, it was Dante’s fault that I stumbled across the truth in such a painful and shocking way. I couldn’t find my library book—the one I’d checked out to prove my thesis. I looked everywhere. I knew I was desperate when I resorted to looking through the cabinet under the bathroom sink. I moved rolls of toilet paper, half-full bottles of conditioner, and tampon boxes.

There was something about the feminine supplies that created a nagging worry in the back of my mind. That worry took front and center when I realized I hadn’t bought supplies in a really long time. Did my mom stock up for me? No. When was the last time I’d used them? When was the last time I’d had my period?

The room began spinning around me, making it difficult for me to remember what month it was now, much less when I’d last had my period. I ran to my room, the book forgotten. With trembling hands, I rummaged through my backpack in search of my planner. I usually circled the day I started, so I could keep track and not be caught without supplies if I happened to start at school.

It was
the end of April. Nothing was circled. I tore the page in my haste to revisit March. Nothing. February? Nothing. January? The number nineteen was encircled with blue ink. Three months ago. Maybe I just forgot to record it the last two times. I’d been pretty busy dealing with Sean, so it was only natural to become forgetful about certain things.

I sat down on my bed,
acid burning a fiery path from my stomach into my throat. Tears burned the back of my eyes. My face tingled with heat, but my hands and feet were cold and heavy. Time blended and twisted as I tried to remember every significant event that had occurred over the past few months. Maybe if I could recall each event, I could link it to my period. There must have been a time I rushed back to my house to grab supplies, or cursed because my period started and I wasn’t prepared, or had to explain to Sean that we had a blow-job only week ahead of us.

Sean. Maybe I could ask him. He might remember. Or, maybe he could take me to Walgreens to buy one of those tests.
I tried to imagine what his reaction might be, but couldn’t. It was hard to tell. He’d been so stressed lately, I couldn’t see him taking the news well. I’d been stressed too, though, and it was a well known fact that stress could mess with your menstrual cycle. Besides, I still wasn’t sure my period was actually late. Stress makes you forgetful too.

Stress can make you forget about many things: your research paper, your chores, or your vow to make an appointment at Planned Parenthood. Procrastination is worse, though. My failure to make an appointment to get birth control pills had more to do with me putting it off, than it had to do with forgetfulness. I thought about birth control every time Sean ‘forgot’ to use a condom. Forgot or refused. I never even reminded him anymore, so it was all my fault if I turned up pregnant.

After the next court date, I’d tell him. I’d ask him to take me to get a test. When that test turned out to be negative, I’d insist on going to Planned Parenthood. I thought about the lawyer’s assessment that Sean would probably have to go to court several times before his actual sentencing. Maybe I wouldn’t burden him with my stupidity. Who could I ask to take me to Planned Parenthood? My mom? No. My dad would find out and I’d be toast. Chelsea? We weren’t really friends anymore. We talked at school, but that was about it. Sean didn’t like her, and I didn’t want to piss him off by hanging out with her.

I’d wait. Everything would be okay. It was probably a false alarm. Nothing to worry about.
Besides, worrying didn’t help. I’d think about it later.

***

Sean and I hadn’t really seen each other all day, not even at lunchtime. Students serving in-school suspension were on a different lunch schedule, a situation that left me feeling simultaneously relieved and on edge. Sean never reacted well to spending the entire day without me. When I met him outside after school, he was already seated in his truck, his knuckles white as they gripped the steering wheel.

“How’d it go?” I asked.

“Don’t ask.” He peeled out of the parking space, almost taking out the back bumper of the Jeep in front of him.

I remained silent on the drive home, reluctant to say anything that might trigger an episode. I automatically followed him inside his house, even though I longed to go to my own. Just once, I wanted to climb the stairs to my bedroom, throw myself across my own bed, and curl up with a good book. I needed escape, but with Sean, I only got heaping doses of an ugly reality I could no longer handle.

“You know what I just realized?” Sean asked as he tossed a plate of frozen pizza rolls into the microwave. He ran his hand through his greasy hair. He’d been in a dark mood lately. He slept little and played Tales of Andrometis late into the night. In the morning, he awoke bleary-eyed with no ambition whatsoever to attend to his own personal hygiene.

“
We’ve had sex almost every day,” he said.

What else was new? That was his great revelation? His news flash? I waited for him to elaborate.

“You haven’t told me no.”

How could I? I was afraid to piss him off.

“I mean, you haven’t had your time of the month.”

T
here it was—his great realization. The statement hit me like a blow to the face. So did his hand. My head snapped back from the impact. With one trembling hand, I reached out to steady myself against the counter. With the other, I touched my lip. It was already beginning to swell. The red evidence of his crime was smeared across my fingertips.

“You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”

“I’m sorry,” I cried. “I meant to get on the pill, but…”

“
You didn’t tell me because it isn’t mine! You’ve been fucking around behind my back and some other dude knocked you up! You’re a whore!”

“No! I’ve never been with anyone else. I…”

“Why should I believe you? I’ve seen the way you look at Cole!”

I’d never looked at his best friend with anything other than intense loathing. I couldn’t stand Cole
. “Seriously, Sean. You know I’ve only ever been with you.”

His hand flew up to hit me, and I cowered, putting my hands over my head.

“How could you do this to me?” he shouted. Grabbing a knife off the kitchen counter, he held it blade down across his wrist. “After everything I’ve done for you, how could you cheat on me?”

“Sean, put it down.” I stood up and reached out to him. “Give me the knife, Sean. Give it here. Don’t hurt yourself. You’re the father of my baby. We’re supposed to get married.”

Tears streaked down my cheeks. If Sean killed himself, it would be my fault. I’d pushed him to this point by hiding the truth. No wonder he thought I was lying to him. What other reason would I have for hiding the pregnancy?

“I don’t want to live if I can’t have you.”

“You
do
have me. I’m yours. Forever. We’re going to be a family.”

The wild, manic look faded from his eyes and he put the knife down on the countertop.
He wanted to believe me, and in his heart, he knew I’d never hurt him. It was his illness that betrayed him and tricked him into thinking the world was against him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he whispered.

“Sean, I’m not even one-hundred percent sure. I haven’t taken a test or anything. It just occurred to me the other day that I might be, and I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure. You’ve had so much to deal with lately, I didn’t want to make things worse.”

His features twisted, morphed into something resembling a smile. “
This is the best news ever. Do you realize what this means? We’re gonna be a family. It’ll be just you and me and the baby and nothing can ever come between us. I won’t be like my father—I’ll never let you go.”

It was
my worst nightmare. Me and Sean and a baby. Forever. The prospect was terrifying. I would spend forever catering to his erratic moods, forever trying to appease his anger, forever trying to make ends meet because he’d never be able to hold down a job, forever trying to shield our child from his or her father’s rage.

J
ust like that, I turned into my mother, and the circle of hell closed in around me.

Chapter 20- Sean

And people I saw through the circular valley

Silent and weeping…

(Canto XX, lines 7 & 8)

The test was positive and it was the happiest day of my life. I couldn’t understand why Alex was crying.

“It’s just such a shock,” she kept repeating.

We hadn’t used a condom in months, so for me, the only thing that was shocking was the fact that it took so long for me to get her pregnant. She hadn’t had a period in that time, so she must have been at least a couple of months along. We’d have to go to a doctor to find out for sure.

I rubbed her back and tried to console her, all the time thinking about how happy I was that we had this permanent, undeniable link between us. A baby would tie us together in a way nothing else ever could. Even if she tried to leave me—and she wouldn’t—I’d always have an excuse to be involved in her life. Besides, no other guy was gonna want a single mother, so she had no choice. She had to stay with me.

“Don’t cry, baby,” I whispered, kissing her forehead. “I’ll talk to your mom. She’ll let you move in here with us and we’ll be a family.”

“No! I don’t want to tell anyone yet—not until after graduation.”

“You’re pregnant with my baby. We should be together. I want you to move in here right away.”

“Not yet. I’ll move in here in June, I guess, but it would be better if we had our own place. It’ll be weird living right next to my parents.”

“How the hell are we gonna do that? I don’t have any money right now. I wasted our savings on that fucking lawyer.”

“I could get a job…”

“No. You’re pregnant. I don’t want you working. It might cause you to lose the baby. After the baby’s born, I want you to stay home. I’ll work and take care of us.”

“Okay, but…”

“We’ll tell my mom and your parents tonight.”

“No. Sean…look, I can’t deal with all this right now. My mom is getting ready to go out of town tomorrow night to help take care of my aunt. When she comes back from Cape, it’ll almost be time to graduate. After that…”

“So, you don’t want to live with me. Is that it?”

“I want to. I just…”

“What? You just want go back to that hellhole you call a house and wait for your dad to do something horrible to you? No. You’re practically my wife and we need to stay together.”

“Just let me wait until my mom comes back from Cape. She
’s stressed enough right now. I can’t give her more crap to worry about.”

“
What about me? I’m more stressed than anyone. Court dates, I’m failing two classes…and now, you’re bailing on me?”

“Two weeks, Sean. That’s all I’m asking.” She started to cry then—great big snotty, gasping sobs. She clutched her middle and started dry heaving, so I helped her to the bathroom to throw up.

When she was done, I asked, “How long have you been puking?”

“A couple of months, but not every day. I was
so worried about you, so I just assumed I was sick to the stomach because of that.”

That was the nicest thing she’d ever said to me—that she was so worried about me, it made her physically ill to think about me going to jail. Two weeks. I’d give her two weeks, but no more.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured, leading her back to my room. We sat down on the bed, and I stretched out beside her, pulling her down to lie next to me. “You’re right. We’ll give it a couple of weeks, then we’ll tell everyone.”

I
put my hand on her stomach. Maybe there was a slight bump, but it was hard to tell. Still, I imagined I could feel our baby growing inside her.

“Just be careful, Alex. If your dad hears you throwing up, he might suspect something,” I said. Might as well implant the idea that she can’t
keep her pregnancy a secret forever. “You might want to wear baggy clothes, but not too baggy, or he’ll know something’s up.”

Her back rested against my chest, so I could feel her breathing hitch. She was afraid. Good. I smiled into her hair and continued speaking. “There’s no telling what he’ll do when he finds out, so hopefully, when he
does
discover our secret, you won’t be living there anymore.”