The Fire Walker (13 page)

She let out a sharp sigh. "Four years ago, my now ex-boyfriend pushed me down a flight of stairs, left me in agony and turned all my friends against me. I know all about running and not trusting. I wouldn't be who I am now without Dee's help and I certainly wouldn't be with Will. So yeah, I know exactly what you're going through. The first time Will kissed me, I ran away I was so fucking terrified he'd break me again."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I can see it written all over your face. I don't know what you're running from Jessie, but you're running in the wrong direction."

I crossed my arms over my stomach, squirming in my seat. How the hell did she know? Was I that much of an open book?

"Takes one to know one," she said, picking up on my feelings.

"Where is he? Is he here?" I swallowed hard. I didn't know what I'd do if he walked through that door now. He probably hated me.
I
hated me..

"No. He's on some crazy road trip in the middle of god knows where." She rolled her eyes, like it was messing with her too. "Look, he'll never come find you. He's not like that. Dee's had his fair share of ups and downs with women, but he's never had his heart broken before. He's taking it pretty hard. He's lost."

I flinched, looking at the table top. When I left, I didn't think it'd turn out like this. I thought I was saving him from heartache, not giving it to him. "I didn't mean… I…"

"I get it," Zoe said.

"Do you really think I have a chance at fixing this?"

She smiled, glancing over to where her boyfriend Will was sitting drinking a coffee by the front window. "We were in Huston," she said. "The only reason we're here is because of you. If that doesn't tell you anything, then I don't know what else I can say."

"Oh." They really flew all that way to convince me to try and win Dee back?

"Now, what are you gunna do? If you want him, I can help you track him down, but after that you're on your own."

The last time I'd made such a spontaneous decision, it landed me in hot water so deep, I'd almost drowned. If I could win back Dee, then maybe he could save me. Maybe I could save him. Maybe I could just make things right again.

"Okay," I said, before I could pull my classic move, the one that saw me running.

"Good."

"I need a day. I need to sort out work and…" My voice shook so much, I was sure I was about to burst out in tears at any moment. What if… No time for what if's.

"It'll be fine, Jessie. I'm not saying it won't be hard, because it will be. He'll make it hard because he's a stubborn ass, but if this thing is real between you, then you have to believe."

I looked at her for a moment, and suddenly she didn't seem so scary. "You know the thing you have with Dee is kind of intimidating."

She smiled, knowing that she'd worn me down. "I know. He'd kill me if he knew I was here."

I dropped my head into my hands. "I don't know how I let myself get to this point."

"Fear."

I looked up at her and bit my lip. She got it. I didn't know her whole story, but Zoe got it. I just hoped she was right about this, because it meant my whole life needed to be cut up and put back together. And I didn't know who I was going to be after the glue went on. That bit would be up to Dee.

Driving down the open road into the sunset sounds like such an adventure. The ever changing landscape, new places and faces. A new experience awaiting around every corner and rise. Just sitting there waiting for you to come across it. But, the open expanse of countryside felt as empty as I was inside. In true Dee fashion, I just kept on truckin'. Counter-terrorism.

I'd made it all the way to Denver from the Grand Canyon and I was tired of the car. I got a room at the first motel I came across, which looked like something out of a horror movie, and collapsed on the bed in a cloud of mothballs. I just wanted to sleep the pain away.

I hadn't played my guitar once, or even written a word in my notebook of songs. I hadn't done anything that I usually would have to cheer myself up. I hadn't even looked to see if there was anything interesting to do in this city. It was like the miles I'd driven were some kind of metaphoric distance thing. The further I drove, the further away from that thing that happened I'd be and at the end of the road nirvana would be waiting for me. So fucking philosophical.

Remembering the promise I made to Zoe, I fished out my phone and dialed her number. I might be on the slow road to rock bottom, but I still couldn't go a day without speaking to her. I had no idea where they were going next on their trip, I think she wanted to go to Huston and check out a bunch of space stuff.
Huston we have a problem
and all that crap. Zoe had this thing with stars and galaxies and was forever reading books and newspaper articles. Why, I don't know. The universe was too big for my tiny mind to comprehend.

The person you have dialed is not available…

When the beep came, instead of hanging up, I decided to leave her a message.

"So, I'm not dead yet," I said, catching my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I looked like shit on a stick. "I really miss you guys. Even Frank's stupid face and that's sayin' somethin'. This road trip is the furthest thing from
Thelma and Louise
as you can get. There hasn't been one trucker that's cat called me or nothin'." I debated on hanging up and trying her later, but I said what was on my mind. "The silence is getting to me. There's just… nothing and I don't know what to do about it."

Running a hand over my face, I grimaced. I didn't even understand what I was on about. Before I could get more philosophical in my depression, I pressed the end call button on the screen and tossed the phone onto the table.

Trying to understand this thing I was feeling was eating me up. Was I feeling this fucking shit because I'd fallen for Jessie? Like, no turning back fallen? I didn't think it was possible to love someone so soon after meeting them. Connection, explosive sex or no.

My phone started to ring, vibrating across the table. Picking it up, I saw it was Zoe.

"Hey," I breathed.

"Some message," she said and I could imagine the expression that went with her tone of voice. Like she was looking at a car crash.

"I never go in halves."

"Where are you?" Zoe was keeping tabs on me like a worried parent.

"Some shit hole motel outside of Denver."

She let out a long whistle. "You've driven a long way, Dee Dee."

"So? I'm driving to New York." I just decided it.

"That's even longer."

"I've got the time and the money. So what?"

"You're doing this because of Jessie," she said bluntly.

"I'm doing this because I want to," I snapped. "Please, Zo. I fucking love you, but just drop it."

"Dee, I'm just worried about you," she said in a small voice and I knew I'd hurt her feelings. Damn it.

"Look, Zo… I'm sorry okay? I just… I don't know. I'll be okay."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"You'll be there a while? In Denver?"

"I guess. I mean, I haven't decided which way to go yet. There's some stuff I want to see here."

"Like what?"

"Dunno. Check out a baseball game."

"Is it baseball season?"

"No idea. If it's not, maybe football."

There was a rustling over the line and the sound of a door closing. "You shouldn't be alone, Dee."

I knew she was referring to that comment I'd made about silence. The comment that gave away just how borderline I was. I was
that
close from crying and the moment I did, my manly reputation was out the window.

"It might be different for me, Zo, but maybe different is exactly what I need."

"You'll be in Denver for a while?"

"You're not fucking up your trip to come here."

"Fine."

"I'll talk to you later, Hot Legs." Time to sign this convo off before it got worse.

"Okay."

I pressed the end call button and tossed the phone back onto the table. I knew Zoe meant well, but this whole thing was beginning to grate against my nerves. Talking about it was like rubbing sandpaper against an open wound.

Maybe next time I should stick to a text message.

The next day, after wandering around Denver and finding nothing that held my interest, I went back to my seedy hotel room on the road out of town with a bottle of scotch under one arm and a bag of greasy take-away. I was just like one of those down and out types from the movies. I hadn't shaved in a week and I was beginning to look the part as well.

Staring up at the ceiling, feeling the slow burn of scotch in my stomach, I almost considered praying. Instead, I sat up and took another mouthful, deciding getting drunk might do the trick. For a night at least. Maybe I should drive somewhere more interesting. Nashville. I had no idea how far away it was.

Denver wasn't doing it for me. I had to find the next place and this time I probably should plan where I was going. Kansas City was the next obvious choice to go from here. Maybe from there I could find my way to Nashville. I wasn't that into country, but music was what fed my soul. I'd try for Nashville, wherever the fuck that was.

Knocking interrupted my downward spiral and with a groan, I got up to see who the hell would want to talk to me. Yanking open the door, I let out a sharp hiss as my eyes collided with none other than Jessie fucking Ware.

What. The. Fuck.

She slapped her hand on the door and pushed it out of my grasp and just walked right in with a waft of jasmine and vanilla. No hello. No nothing. Despite my thumping heart, I felt anger simmer and I slammed the door closed. Turning to face her, there was only one thing I wanted to do. The only thing my body would let me do.

Stepping into her, I grasped both sides of her face and shoved her back against the wall, my mouth over hers. Her hands fisted into my shirt as I kissed her with everything I had, her body pressed hard into mine. She tasted sweet, like lust and cherries. Always with the fucking cherries.

Her lips were on mine, kissing me back and it would have been so easy just to keep going, to let her consume me again, but remembering what she'd done to me, I tore my mouth from hers, stepping away until my back hit the opposite wall. Shit. Fuck. Ass. I ran a hand over my face, the stubble I'd neglected to shave off for the last week rasping against my skin.

I'd hoped it was out of my system after that, but it had just added fuel to the fire. I was hard, wound up and drunk as fuck.

"Dee…" she murmured with her sexy French-Canadian accent and I felt my cock twitch. Fucking traitor.

"What do you want, Jessie?" I snapped. I knew what I wanted, but she wasn't going to get it unless she wanted it too.

"I-" she began, but she closed her mouth and just stared at me with her fucking doe eyes.

"You came all this way and all you can say is I?" I hissed. "You ripped my fucking heart out."

"Dee..."

"What. Do. You. Want?"

"I can't stop thinking about you," she blurted, her eyes wet with tears.

Now I felt like an ass for making her cry. Why was I even feeling sorry for her? She pulled a classic fuck and run, pissed on my heart and set it on fire.

"Please, Dee. I'm sorry."

I shook my head, looking at the floor. "I said all those things…"
Like a fucking moron
.

"I'm sorry."

I dropped my head into my hand, screwing my eyes shut, but she invaded all of my senses anyway. "How the fuck did you even find me?" As soon as I said it, I knew the answer.

"Zoe."

"Fucking, Zoe," I exclaimed with an annoyed sigh. I shouldn't be mad with her. She obviously wanted to help, but I wasn't sure delivering Jessie was the right way of going about it.

"She told me a few home truths."

I bet she did.

"And she told me a few things about you."

I snorted. "Why did you come here? What do you want from me? It's a long way to come for a quick fuck."