The Fixed Trilogy: Fixed on You, Found in You, Forever With You (39 page)

“Talk about drama queen…” Though his head was bowed, Adam said it loud enough that the whole table heard it.

Sophia glared at her son-in-law, but it was Hudson who drew the attention of the table. “I could have a child with Alayna.”

I nearly choked on the bite of food in my mouth. Sure, I’d been thinking that Hudson could have a kid, but it hadn’t for a moment crossed my mind he would have one with me.

Okay, maybe it had crossed my mind for a moment. But a small one. Certainly it wasn’t a thought I’d ever share out loud.

But when Hudson had said it, had said it out loud like that to everyone, a strange warmth spread through my chest. It wasn’t the low, deep burn of desire, but something different. Something related to the love that I felt for the man, mixed with a dash of hope.

I wanted to share that feeling with him, let him know what it did to me that he’d said it, and I tried to catch his eye. But he was focused on the plate in front of him, taking another bite of his crepes as if talking about having children—children with me—was every day and unremarkable.

Maybe he didn’t mean anything by it. I felt the bubble of warmth dissipate as I recognized the possibility that he merely meant it as a line to rile his mother up. In which case, it worked.

Sophia set down her fork and turned in her chair, ire blazing through the cool mask she usually wore. “Are you talking marriage and children already? It’s early for that Hudson. Incredibly early.”

“Oh, Mother, don’t be so old-fashioned. You don’t need to be married to have children.” Hudson took a swallow of his wine, continuing the nonchalant façade. But when he set down his glass again, I caught the twitch of his jaw, the only betrayal that inside he was boiling. “And what Alayna and I are discussing is frankly none of your business.”

Sophia’s eyes narrowed. “You brought it up.”

“I was stating that
I
could father a child and that would continue both your precious bloodline and your precious name.” His voice was oddly calm and strong all at once. I imagined it was the tone he took in the boardroom. It was powerful. Controlled. Sexy as hell.

Then he delivered his punch line. “And the only person I could ever imagine wanting to have a child with is Alayna.”

The impact wasn’t any less having heard him pronounce the possibility a moment before. It rang through the air as if every other sound had been muted, as if it were the lead violin in a string concerto. A lonely piercing sound that made people notice.

At once, all three Werners shifted in their seats, and even though Celia and Hudson were never a couple, were never meant to be together, the tension his statement created was as extreme as if the violinist’s bow had crossed against a too-taught string. It was so much. Too much.

“Hudson, I…” My voice trailed off. I had no idea what I planned to say. I just wanted the tension to end, to get rid of the general air of hatred I felt rushing at me from so many eyes.

He picked up on my cue. Placing a reassuring hand on my leg, he gave me an apologetic glance before turning back to Sophia. “The point is that you need to let the past go, Mother.” His tone was softer, but still held weight. “There is still a future to look forward to. For all of us.”

He turned back to me, our eyes locking, and then, instead of me telling him how it felt to hear him talk about a future with me, he told me. He told me with that long silent stare, his hand stroking up and down my thigh in a way that was more comforting than sexual. With that look, he said everything—how much he believed in us, how good we were. How much he loved me, even though he couldn’t yet say the words.

Then the tears that I’d managed to keep at bay earlier filled my eyes.

“If you’ll excuse me,” I said, breaking our stare. “I need to use the powder room.”

I made it to the bathroom and took a stall before the tears spilled. There weren’t many—a few, each of them happy and sweet and filled with promise. With love.

I heard the bathroom door swing open and shut a handful of times before I’d finished my brief cry. I peed and flushed, then, after washing my hands, made my way to the vanity to freshen up my face.

Fortunately, happy crying didn’t muss up my face as much as ugly crying. I continued to grin like an idiot as I leaned toward the mirror to dab at the small smudge of mascara under my left eye.

“You look perfect,” someone said behind me.

I glanced sideways, meeting Celia’s reflection in the mirror.

Immediately my smile disappeared.

“You just need a touch of gloss. I have some if you want to borrow.” She opened her tiny purse and pulled out a lipstick wand.

“No, I don’t want to borrow anything from you.” I pushed past her, headed for the exit.

But she grabbed me by the forearm. “Hey, wait!”

I pulled my arm away from her grasp but stopped my retreat. I might as well hear what she had to say, whatever grandiose excuse she had about keeping Sophia’s birthday dinner a secret from me.

Folding my arms in a dramatically bored stance, I nodded for her to speak.

Naturally poised Celia for once looked awkward, fidgeting from foot to foot.

“I’m not waiting all night. Speak.”

Her forehead creased in confusion. “Why are you angry with me? I could feel the tension all through dinner. You wouldn’t even look at me. Which is why I followed you in here. Why are you mad?”

“Don’t play dumb, Celia. It doesn’t suit you.”

“I’m not playing. Spell it out for me.” Her arms were at her sides, her body in a totally open position, as though she had nothing to hide. “Please.”

“Celia…” Was I being ridiculous? Again? Maybe I was letting myself be influenced by Stacy’s cryptic warning about the blonde beauty.

I sighed, deciding to put it out there. “I saw you today and you didn’t mention anything about this dinner tonight. And you know that I didn’t know because I told you that I had no plans to see Sophia and that I had a meeting tonight. All the while, you’re saying you’re rooting for me.” My voice was calm, straightforward, less accusatory than I felt. Maybe I was learning from Hudson.

Celia echoed my sigh. “You’re right, you’re right.” She looked at her shoes, mumbling. “I thought that might be it.” Her gaze met mine again. “I didn’t say anything, you’re right, and I should have. But you were happy and beaming and things were going good, and when I realized that Hudson hadn’t told you about the dinner, I didn’t want to stir things up between the two of you.”

“Or you wanted him for yourself tonight.”

“No! I told you, I’m not after Hudson.” She ran her hand across her forehead, delicately, as though not wanting to mess up her foundation but so used to the cautious movement she didn’t have to think about it. She was a thoroughbred through and through. So out of my league.

I dismissed the flash of envy and focused on her words.

“Look, Laynie, I’m on your side. I am. Can’t you see what would have happened if I’d brought it up? You would have cornered Hudson about it and then you’d have to tell him how you found out and that would mean you’d have to tell him about us chatting about him behind his back. And he brought you anyway! So it all worked out. Everything’s good!”

“Yeah, everything’s great.” I reacted before I’d truly digested her words. Once I did, I saw the truth in what she’d said. Honestly, if our roles had been reversed, I would have probably done the same.

I bit my lip. “God, I’m sorry. I just…I don’t know who to trust. It feels like so many people are against us.”

Her face eased, her worry replaced with a comforting smile. “That’s so not true. Sophia is against you. She’s the only one. And my parents, but they’re only trying to do what they think is best for me. It’s a silly parent thing. They don’t understand. Obviously.”

She meant they didn’t understand that she’d never been with Hudson. They didn’t realize that her baby had not been his. “Why won’t you tell them? It’s been years, you said so yourself. Why don’t you or Hudson admit the truth about the baby?” I’d been wondering about it since I found out. It would solve so many problems. “If you really cared about his happiness, you’d tell the truth and set him free.”

“It seems like that would be the right thing to do, doesn’t it?” Her eyes glazed over as she was thinking, remembering perhaps. When her focus returned, her expression was apologetic. “It’s…it’s complicated. I can’t say more than that. I’m sorry, I wish I could. But it involves more than just me. You have to trust me, this is best for everyone. Hudson included.”

It bothered me that there might be something about the situation that I didn’t know, that Hudson hadn’t chosen to share. But maybe Celia was simply making up excuses, not ready to let her parents know the truth. “Like I said, I don’t know what I trust.”

“Alayna—”

I cringed at her use of my name. No one called me Alayna but Hudson. It wasn’t hers to use. It was his.

The door swung open behind us and someone walked in. We were both quiet until the woman took an empty stall.

“This is a bad time. But you have my number. Call me if you need anything. To sort things out or just to talk.”

I hesitated. The evening had shown me many things, one of which was how easily keeping secrets could tear Hudson and me apart. I didn’t want to keep lying to him. Perhaps this was a good opportunity to end my friendship with Celia. Maybe even come clean about our lunch dates thus far.

Seeming to sense my reluctance to “kiss and make up,” Celia put her hand over mine. “I want things to work out for Hudson more than you can imagine. Believe me.”

Celia gave one more sparkling white smile before exiting the restroom.

I pulled my phone out from my bra and considered deleting her contact info. It was certainly the safest. But, on the other hand, she’d been helpful to me providing insight that I lacked. And she was important to Hudson. I didn’t want to cause problems by being a divide between them.

Funny. The old me would have done just that. The old me, the one before therapy—that me would have made Hudson choose. Her or me. Now, as nice as it sounded to be free of the Werners, I had no desire to force an ultimatum.

And besides being incredibly unrealistic and unhealthy, I was pretty sure Hudson would never go for it.

Chapter Thirteen

It was only seconds after Celia walked out and I had stowed my phone back in my bra when Mira stepped into the vanity from the stall area. Since no toilets had flushed recently and I hadn’t heard any running water, I realized she must have been standing around the corner for a while. Her face was more serious than I’d ever seen, and something about her expression made me feel unexplainably guilty.

“Hey,” I said, trying to shake the strange feeling.

She pierced me with her brown eyes. “You were talking to Celia.”

“Yeah.” I put my hand on the vanity counter for support even though I hadn’t done anything wrong. We were at a family get-together, eight of us in total. Should I really not be expected to talk to one of the other guests? To my boyfriend’s only friend?

“I don’t think you should do that anymore.” Mira’s voice was even and absent of any chiding.

“Why?”

She softened as she stepped toward me, her regular bubbly persona returning. “She’s your competition, Laynie! I mean, Hudson is totally into you and no one but you, but Celia is after him. She’s pictured herself married to him for so long, it’s a done deal in her head.”

“I know, I know.” A strange pang of pity washed over me. Maybe Celia really didn’t want Hudson, and everyone just kept saying that she did, accusing her of something that she’d long past outgrown. I knew how that felt. To be thought still crazy long after I’d gotten better.

Swallowing, I voiced the defense that surprised even me. “She says she doesn’t, though. Want him, I mean. She really seems like she might be over him. She’s been really supportive, actually.”

Mirabelle fluffed the back of her bobbed hair. “Okay. Maybe that’s true. I might be overreacting. But I’ve known her my whole life, and she hasn’t always been the best person.”

I could imagine what it looked like to Mira, when Hudson had left Celia heartbroken and devastated. To the young impressionable teenager that Mira must have been, it would be easy to blame Celia for the awfulness that had surrounded Hudson. Especially with her as devoted to her brother as she was.

But she was a grown-up now. She had to see the story was bigger than she’d once thought, even if she didn’t know the details. “Hudson hasn’t always been the best person either,” I reminded her.

Disappointment flashed across her eyes.

“I’m not saying that I’m not for Hudson. I don’t care what he’s done or who he’s been. Truly.” I would stand by him no matter what shit he’d gone through, just like he stood by me and all the shit I’d done. “It’s only that we’ve all been worse people.” Except probably Mira. “At least, a lot of us have been worse people,” I amended.

“I’m sure that’s true.” She stepped toward me, placing her hand lightly on my arm. “But, don’t feel like Celia’s your only resource, okay? If you need to talk, Laynie, call me. Or better yet, talk to Hudson.”

My head was throbbing with all the back and forth—accuse Celia, defend Celia, trust Celia, don’t trust Celia. Truth was, the only person I really needed to defend was Hudson. The only person I needed to trust was him.

Yes, he was the one I should turn to when I needed someone to talk to. He was the only one who mattered. The only one who knew how to calm me down. “I’ll talk to Hudson. Good idea.”

She grinned. “Sometimes I have them. Good ideas. Pregnancy brain and all.”

Suddenly, I felt like I’d been away from Hudson for entirely too long and I ached to see him. The ache dissipated the moment we came out of the bathroom, and I found Hudson waiting, his posture strong and one hundred percent male, his eyes blazing at the sight of me. It never failed to make me weak in the knees.

With a wave, Mira headed toward our table on the heels of Celia. She must have lingered after leaving the bathroom. I had to guess she talked to Hudson. Which was fine. Totally fine. Expected, even. It wasn’t her he was waiting for. It was me. Always.

Hudson took my hand when I approached him. “Are you ready to go?”

Despite not having finished my meal, leaving sounded heavenly. “I thought you’d never ask.”

“Then let’s get going.” He seemed distracted as he pulled me toward the front of the restaurant, but who wouldn’t be after the evening we’d had.

We’d nearly made it past the host’s desk when Sophia stepped in front of us. “Were you planning on sneaking out without a proper goodbye?”

I rolled my eyes. But Hudson, level and controlled as always, merely raised a brow. “Were you waiting here to attack me in case I was?”

Sophia frowned, her Botox’d forehead barely moving. “Of course not. I stepped away to call for my car. It’s impolite to do such things at the table.” Her tone was chiding. As if it had been Hudson wrapped into his phone all evening instead of her other son.

Hudson’s grip tightened on my hand. “I already said goodbye to you, Mother.”

“You did.” She nodded at me. “She didn’t. In fact, I don’t remember her saying hello.”

My stomach tightened and a thousand harsh responses crossed my mind in the matter of half a second. Taking my lead from Hudson, I chose to remain cool. “Neither did you.”

“No, I didn’t.” Her smile was tight, but her eyes brightened. Suddenly I understood that she enjoyed sparring with me. If I were smart, then I wouldn’t react. That would take away her reward.

But perhaps I liked the banter as well, the challenge similar to a good game of chess. “Actually, I thought that was very clever of you, Sophia. The evening went fairly well when we were pretending each other didn’t exist. Don’t you think?”

“Thank you. It was purely unplanned, seeing as how I didn’t know you were coming until an hour before when Hudson called to tell me.” Sophia was teasing me, trying to rile me up by letting me know I hadn’t been on the guest list. It would have been a brilliant play if I hadn’t already known.

I played it smooth. “Oh, you did call, H? I thought you were leaving it as a surprise.”

“Yes, I called while you were dressing. I decided that Sophia might be better behaved if she was prepared.” Hudson fell right into my game. Though he preferred to keep me sheltered from his mother’s antics, he was generally amused by the way I handled her.

Her back straightened, a direct contradiction to the way she must have felt, her move having been countered so effortlessly. “Yes, it did work out well. I’ll remember the ignoring tactic for next time.”

My turn. “Then you’ve finally accepted there will be a next time?”
Check.

Her smile widened as if I’d walked into a trap. “I’m nothing if not realistic, Alayna Withers. The question remains how many next times there will be. I’m in Hudson’s life permanently. Are you?”

My composure faltered, my shoulders tensing, my body preparing for a fight.

Hudson stepped in. “Mother, stop it. It’s your birthday. Happy day to you. If you’re miserable, it’s only because you won’t let yourself enjoy anything.” He let go of me and hugged Sophia awkwardly, giving her a dry peck on the cheek.

For the millionth time, I wondered at the relationship between mother and son. It had taken far less for me to cut off my brother. Of course, that had only been two days before. I couldn’t speak for what would happen next between us. And I could only guess at Hudson and Sophia’s past. The details were hidden from me, much like most everything in Hudson’s life.

Time
, I reminded myself. I’d learn about him in time.

Hudson broke the embrace, his hands pushing gently on Sophia’s shoulders.

“You smell like sex,” she said when he stepped away.

I couldn’t help but take that as a compliment.

“I’m surprised you recognize the smell.” Without moving his eyes from his mother, Hudson reached for my hand again.

I slipped my palm against his and absorbed the electric spark that always shot through my body at his touch.

Sophia’s gaze drifted to our connected limbs and back to her son’s face. “I’m not a prude.”

Hudson shook his head once, bored with the conversation. “No, no one’s accusing you of that. I’m simply shocked you could smell anything over the aroma of bourbon.”
And checkmate.

“Go home, Hudson. “

“Gladly.”

We rode the elevator in silence and the limo as well. There was too much to think about—Jack and Sophia, Celia then Mira. So many aspects of the evening to dwell on, reasons to be confused and muddled. The one thing I wasn’t confused about was Hudson. Not anymore. Not since the roof when he’d done some sort of magic sex trick that alleviated all my fears about him. He’d fucked away my doubts, said the right words, and for the first time in, well, ever, I thought that maybe I could be a normal girl in a normal relationship with a normal guy.

Okay, I’d never be a normal girl and Hudson would never be a normal guy, but perhaps we’d found the closest thing to normal that we’d ever be capable of achieving. And it was pretty damn good.

As I absentmindedly watched the buildings passing through the limo window, it didn’t even cross my mind to wonder if we were going to The Bowery or if I was being taken home. Hudson hadn’t given any instruction to our driver. I simply took it for granted that I’d spend the night with my lover. Hudson must have taken it for granted too, because Jordan pulled up to the curb in front of his high-rise without a word to me.

It was when we were in the penthouse and the quiet between us persisted that I realized it wasn’t only me lost in my head. Hudson had disappeared inside his head too. It wasn’t unusual for him to be quiet and within himself—that was the man I’d first met and been drawn to. But even when I’d seen him consumed with his work, he always had a sliver of his attention pinned to me. Though subtle, it was unmistakable.

Tonight was different. We exited the elevator and without a word, Hudson immediately headed to the library. I trailed after him, unsure. Though he hadn’t been home since the arrival of the books, he didn’t even give them a glance. He beelined to his desk, threw his jacket across the back of his chair and sat down.

Without looking at me, he said, “I have some work to do. It will likely be a late night. I don’t expect you to wait up.”

“Oh. All right.” There was more shock to my tone than hurt. We’d never been alone and not all over each other. It was…strange.

For several seconds, I stood frozen, not knowing what I should do. Then common sense kicked in. “Do you need anything? A nightcap, perhaps?”

He sifted through some papers on his desk, furrowing his brow at one of them. “I may make myself a Scotch later.” Then he turned to his computer and was gone from me.

I could make him a Scotch. I wanted to, actually, because then I’d feel needed, wanted. Like I had a purpose in being there.

But Hudson’s tone was definitive. He didn’t want me to serve him, for whatever reason, and even if I ignored him and got him his drink, I knew already that he wouldn’t acknowledge it. Probably wouldn’t even notice.

I made him the drink anyway, leaving it on the corner of his desk. He saw me, I knew he did. But like I suspected, he didn’t respond.

He’d gone somewhere, somewhere far away. Somewhere he was unwilling to take me.

I slipped away to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, still unmade from the night before. Hudson Pierce, obscenely rich and powerful, and he didn’t even have someone who came in to make his bed daily.

Trivial thought, but it was what crossed my mind first.

Then the questions swept in, the constant examination that my mind never seemed to tire of. What had triggered this distant mood of Hudson’s? Had it been the last conversation with his mother? The night in general?

Maybe he simply had work to do. He’d expected me to be at The Sky Launch all night. He hadn’t planned to entertain me. And I shouldn’t have expected that he should. We’d found each other, but that didn’t mean the rest of our lives stopped. We still had things to do, responsibilities. Especially a man such as him.

I was sure it wasn’t me, it wasn’t us. He’d claimed me, the last time only two short hours before. I was his. His mood wasn’t because of me.

As further proof, if I needed it, he’d brought me to his place when he could have easily taken me to my own. He wanted me there, even if he couldn’t let himself be with me entirely. I knew that.
Knew.

I took a deep breath, letting my tense muscles relax as I exhaled.

Then I let go.

Let go of all of it—the thoughts, the worries, the doubts. I wasn’t doing psycho. Not anymore. No more obsessing. No more examining. Just let go.

Clarity settled in. People got moody. I was still practically a stranger to Hudson’s life, relationships were new to both of us—I couldn’t expect either of us to be perfect at communicating with each other. We had to learn, and that took time.

We had time.

I stared at the empty doorway, considering what to do with myself. Watch TV? Or read a book? There were plenty to choose from. I could join Hudson in the library, work on unpacking the books.

But my gut said he needed his space. Though he’d ignored me when I asked him to leave me alone on the roof, that tactic wouldn’t work in reverse. Hudson didn’t like to be handled like I did. I loved to be handled by him. Adored it. Craved it.

Hudson, though—his walls weren’t as easy to overcome. They were mountains. I had to scale them cautiously with stealth and firm handholds. Sometimes I had to chill on a ledge and wait until the weather was better before I began my upward climb again. And sometimes, I’d reach the top of one, and he’d be there, waiting and exposed, and together we’d enjoy the breathtaking view.

Right now I was at a ledge. Chilling.

I laughed to myself. Whoever thought I’d be able to chill about a man? Yet, here I was, not acting crazy, no matter where my head wanted to go.

I stood and looked at myself in the dresser mirror. Did I look different? Paul had said I did. Did my eyes shine brighter? Were the ever-present dark circles under my eyes lighter than usual? Was this what it looked like to be mentally healthy? Because, even if my reflection showed nothing had changed, this me was completely new and amazing.