The Fixed Trilogy: Fixed on You, Found in You, Forever With You (48 page)

“I’d foot the bill.”

“Oh, no. I’m not letting you pay for me to go to Japan. Get real.”

Mira scowled and put a fist on what was probably once her waistline. “I have about as much money as my brother, you know. A trip to Japan is a drop in a very large bucket, and I’m not trying to brag. I’m trying to be clear.”

I opened my mouth to continue my protest.

“But if that’s really an issue,” she said before I had a chance, “then charge it to The Sky Launch. Hudson’s money. He wanted you out there to begin with.”

It wasn’t a bad idea necessarily. Not the best, but not bad.

Except what if he didn’t want me there?

Or maybe that’s why he’d sent his sister. I eyed Mira suspiciously. “Did he send you to convince me to go to Japan?”

“No!” She seemed appalled. “Uh-uh. Do not give him credit for my idea.”

But I’d wanted to give him credit. It would make it less scary to show up unannounced.

“Think about it,” Mira said, her eyes all dreamy. “Wouldn’t that be an awesome surprise?”

I imagined the roles reversed, if he showed up and surprised me. “Yeah. It kind of would be.” More than kind of. “I miss him.”

That was all Mira had to hear. “Laynie, he’s dying without you! I can hear it in his voice. He’s a basket case. He can’t eat, he can’t sleep—”

“He told you this?”

“I can tell!”

I popped a piece of cheddar in my mouth to keep from laughing. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a hopeless romantic?”

“It doesn’t mean I’m wrong about Hudson.”

“Maybe not.” Though I couldn’t imagine the calm, collected Hudson ever being anything close to a basket case.

Mira sighed. Then her eyes brightened. “You know, he told Celia he doesn’t want her in his life anymore.” She said it nonchalantly, but she was an easy read—she knew this was big news.

“What?” It was hard to hear myself talk over the pounding of my heart. “Are you serious?”

She nodded.

“Why didn’t you lead with that?”

“I guess I probably should have.”

Holy shit! This changed everything.
Everything.
“What else? Tell me all the details.”

“I don’t know what else. I wasn’t there. It was here, that day that everything else happened. Dad told me about it. Said she was crestfallen.”

“So this was before he believed that I was innocent?”

“Yeah.”

“Then why did he tell her he didn’t want her around?”

Mira leaned in—as far as she could anyway, with the round ball at her belly—her expression animated. “This is so third-hand gossip, but Dad said that Hudson told Celia that she was obviously not good for you and so he expected her to stay out of your life from now on. No phone calls, no stopping by the club, no stopping by the penthouse, no family functions. Completely out of your life.” She tapped her finger on the table enunciating
completely
,
out
and
life
. “And he said that since your life was
his
life, that meant he couldn’t be around her either.”

“No. Way.” She totally had me captivated. The girl certainly did have a flare for dishing out the dirt.

“Yes, way. Of course way. Why would you even doubt way? I keep telling you he loves you. You hang the moon for him. He’ll do anything to keep you. Can’t you see that?” Her hands flew as she talked, but I stayed glued to her face.

I blinked. Several times. “He chose me over Celia. Even when he thought that I’d gone all crazy again. That’s…that’s big.”

“Yes! It’s big! It’s huge!” She hit the table so hard the knife went flying to the floor. Ignoring it. she pinned me with her eyes. “Now what are you going to do to match that?”

I stood, needing to pace the room. “Okay.” I ran my hands through the hair that had fallen from my ponytail. “I’ll go to Japan.”

A sound somewhere between a shriek and a gasp filled the room. The startling part was that it came from me.
Did I really just say I’d go to Japan to surprise Hudson?
Oh my god I did and I didn’t even want to take it back.

Mira jumped up with a squeal. “Yes!”

“It’s Sunday, right?” In my mind I was already packing, making a mental list of preparations. “I can’t leave until tonight. Someone’s renting out the club and I’m scheduled to get them set up. I could leave right after that though. Like eight or so.”

“That’s perfect.”

I stopped pacing. “This is going to sound ridiculous, but I don’t even know how to travel out of the country. I’ve been to Canada once. That’s the extent of my foreign travel.”

“I’ll take care of everything,” Mira said, laughing. “Do you have a passport?”

I nodded. “Hudson got me one. He left it on the nightstand. Do you need it?”

“No,
you
need it. Make sure you bring it with you.” Her eyes were moving like she was making her own mental list. “Do you have a credit card for The Sky Launch?”

“Yep.” I ran—actually ran—to the foyer where I’d dropped my purse.

“Here you go,” I said when I returned, handing her the American Express I carried for business expenses related to the club.

“Yay!” Mira pulled me in for a hug that I actually didn’t mind. “This is so exciting! I always wanted a sister! You guys will make the most beautiful babies.”

“Hey, slow down.” That made the hug come to a quick end. “No one said anything about…” I put my palms to my face. “I can’t even finish that sentence.”

“Sorry. I’m an optimist.”

I dropped my hands and pointed a finger at her. “Keep your optimism to yourself from now on, okay?”

She rolled her eyes. “Okay.” But she was twitching like she had more to say. “I mean, not okay. I have to know because I’m ultra nosy—do you want that stuff? You know, kids, marriage. The whole package.” She bit her lip. “With Hudson.”

I didn’t know what to say. The answer was tricky and the conversation already had me breaking out in a sweat. “Here’s the thing, Mira.” I still didn’t know what I was going to say. Then the truth spilled out. “I used to want it so bad that I thought every guy was the whole package, that every guy was
The One
. And I’d do everything to make them believe the same about me. I mean everything. Not so good things.”

A breath shuddered through my lungs. “So now I can’t even let myself think about it, not even to daydream for a few seconds or to test it out and see how it feels. So the answer is
don’t ask me that
. I can’t.” My voice cracked so I said it again. “I just can’t.”

Mira didn’t even blink. “Then don’t. I daydream about it enough for both of us.”

“Thank you,” I said.

“You’re welcome.” She smiled. Then she shooed me with her hands. “Now get packing, girl! We’ve got to get you to Japan!”

Chapter Twenty-One

“Should I change or stay in this?” It was the third time I’d asked Liesl this question in the last fifteen minutes. She’d answered each and every time, but I couldn’t remember what she’d said—my mind was a mess of exhaustion and nervousness. I’d managed to nab a short nap in between packing and figured I’d catch up on the rest during the long flight. Until then, I had espresso.

Liesl spun on her barstool and grabbed my shoulders, looking me directly in the eye. “Laynie, chill the fuck out. You’re making me insane.”

“Okay.” A thumping noise drew our eyes downward. It was the heel of my shoe, bouncing with the twitching of my leg. I put my hand on my thigh to still the movement. “Okay. Chilling.”

“Thank god.” She ran her eyes again over my short wraparound skirt and white button down blouse. “You look smokin’. But you should change into sweats for the flight so you can be all comfy and drool while you sleep and all that. Then change back into this in the airport bathroom.”

“Okay.”
That’s right. That was the plan.
I would have been in sweats already except that I was waiting for the club renter to show up.

Though I had plans to change the hours of The Sky Launch, we currently weren’t open on Sundays or Mondays. Occasionally a private party would rent the place for various functions. I didn’t know much about this particular rental situation. David had set it up. He would have handled the exchange too, except he’d left for Atlantic City after we’d closed that morning to check out Adora on the sly. I hated to admit it, but Hudson had made David’s life by giving him that job. It had been a good move.

Liesl turned back to the bar where she was creating some sort of counter artwork with olive spears. “Do you know where you’re going when you land?”

“Mira arranged for a car to pick me up and take me to his hotel.” Anxiousness pulsed through me again and I started pacing. “But what if he’s not there? What if I have to wait or what if I miss him? Or what if….” my stomach lurched at this thought, “what if he’s with someone?”

“He won’t be with anyone. He’s with you.”

“But how do you know?”

“I…” She paused as if she were going to say something and then changed to something else. “Just do.”

I scowled. That answer wasn’t satisfying.

“What? Are we in grade school?” She sighed. “I can tell by the way he looks at you. Everyone can. Come on, Laynie, he asked you to move in with him. After what? A week? He’s into you, girl.”

“All right, all right. You’re right.” I glanced at the clock above the bar. “The renters are supposed to be here in twenty. We should go down in case they get here early.”

“Um, okay.” Liesl suddenly looked as nervous as I felt. “Hold on a minute.” She shuffled the spears around then rearranged them in the same design.

Jesus, now she was the one making me crazy. “Leisl! They could be waiting at the door—”

“I’m coming, I’m coming.” She jumped from her stool. “Wait; one more thing.” She took her phone from her shorts pocket and typed a message to someone. “Okay. Let’s go.”

Internally, I rolled my eyes. “You didn’t have to come in tonight. I could have handled this myself.” I headed to the stairs at a fast pace but had to slow down to wait for Liesl, who was walking at turtle speed.

“I know. But I thought you could use the company. It’s not a good idea to be in the club alone.”

As if I wasn’t in the club alone all the time. Strange that she suddenly cared about that. “It was very thoughtful of you.”

“Uh-huh.” She bit her lip. “Um, are your bags packed?”

“Yep. Jordan will have them when he picks me up.” We continued the descent of the second flight of stairs and the main dance floor came into view. And my heart stopped. “What the…”

The floor was covered—absolutely covered—in red and white rose petals. The main lights had been turned off and candles were set on the tables surrounding the floor, illuminating the space with an ethereal white-yellow glow. It was beautiful and romantic.

Liesl made a small gasping sound. “Wowzers.”

It hadn’t been like that when I’d arrived only an hour before. Liesl had been with me the whole time, so it couldn’t have been her.

A figure stepped out of the shadows, his hands tucked casually in his pockets.

“Hudson?” Just like that, I forgot how to breathe. The sight of him…even in his rumpled attire, his suit jacket missing, his dress shirt untucked—he was stunning. “You did this?”

He nodded. His focus went to my friend. “Thank you, Liesl, for keeping her occupied.”

I turned to her, eyes wide. “You knew about this?” I still hadn’t fully grasped that he was the renter, that this whole arrangement was for
me
.

“Hey, he kept calling and you wouldn’t talk to him and then he trapped me into this whole surprise you thingamabob. He asked me to keep you busy upstairs while he did—” Liesl gestured at the room. “All this.” Her expression said she felt guilty about the betrayal. “He’s my boss, what was I supposed to say?”

“He’s not your boss,” I said, remembering his frequent claim to me.

At the same time, Hudson said, “I’m not your boss.”

My eyes flew to his at the dual mention of our inside joke. Then they were locked there, as if there were nothing else in the world to look at but him. As if the only things worth meaning could be found there.

And he gazed back at me with the same intensity.

Distantly, Liesl’s voice penetrated through the haze. “I’m going to slip out the back. ‘K, thanks.”

I’m not sure I even addressed Liesl. She was already gone—I was already alone. With Hudson.

Part of me wanted to run to him. But I couldn’t let myself. Even though I was ready to forget every bad thing that had transpired between us, I understood that if we didn’t fix things first, we could never last. So I walked to him instead, my legs shaking as I stepped down to the dance floor, and this time it wasn’t because of the espresso.

Though there were many things waiting on the tip of my tongue, he spoke first. “‘Bags packed’?” He stepped toward me, one brow raised. “Are you going somewhere?”

I could hear the tension in his voice. He thought I was leaving him. It made it that much sweeter to be able to say my next words. “Oh, nowhere special. Just Japan.”

“Because… I was in Japan?” His expression was so hopeful and adorable, I melted a little. Or a lot.

“Yeah.” I circled him, taking in the details of his setup. The tables draped with white cloths, the candlesticks letting off a vanilla fragrance. “I thought I could put my stalking skills to use to find you.”

“I would have liked to have been found by you.”

I turned back to face him, playing cool and flirty though my subtext was hot and needy. “Would you? I wasn’t sure.”

“Then you’re an idiot.”

“Thank you.”

“A beautiful idiot that I can’t take my eyes off of.”

I couldn’t stop looking at him either. Less than a week apart, it felt like I hadn’t seen him in a lifetime. We were still several feet apart. I took a step toward him, but the distance between us felt just as wide. There was no way I could get to him without…without saying everything.

“Hudson, I saw Celia behind your back.”

His eyes closed for half a second. “I’ve figured that out.”

“I should have told you.” I bit my lip, trying to come up with the right explanation of why I’d done what I’d done. “She was welcoming and supportive and I needed someone to talk to. It’s no excuse.”

His mouth straightened. “You could have talked to me.”

“We don’t always talk that well.”

“We need to work on that, then.”

My throat tightened. He still thought we had a chance. That made all the difference.

Yet there was still hard stuff to say. “You hurt me, Hudson.”

He took a breath so shaky I heard it shudder through him. “I know.”

“Do you?”

“Yes. I transferred David without talking to you.”

“Well.” There were other issues between us. I could let him off the hook on this one. “It turns out that’s probably for the best. It was a good compromise.”

“And I didn’t believe you.” He shook his head, looking down at the floor. “I should have believed you.” His eyes came back to mine. “I’m sorry.”

“Why didn’t you?”

He sighed. “I was more concerned with being the guy who would stand by you. I wanted you to know I’d help you, get you treatment.”

“I didn’t need treatment. I needed you to believe me and you didn’t.”

“We hadn’t had a good track record in being honest with each other. It was instinctual to doubt.”

My back stiffened. “Then it’s my fault that you took her word over mine?”

“I didn’t take her word over yours. I took the evidence and put it into a plausible scenario.”

It was my turn to look at the floor. “Right.” There was nothing wrong with what he said, yet it didn’t ease the ache in my chest.

“The thing you aren’t hearing, Alayna, is that I don’t care.”

My eyes raced back to his.

“I don’t care if you did stalk Celia or call her a million times or leave a dead chicken in her bed—I don’t care. I just want you. I want to be with you. If you were sick, then there was a chance that I would lose you. And I can’t. Whatever it takes to make that happen. Whatever I have to do. Whatever I have to say. I have to have you in my life.”

Goosebumps rushed across my skin. Hudson’s words were both freeing and binding. They relieved me of so many of the doubts that constantly pulled at me. His reluctance to believe me hadn’t been about trust, though I certainly hadn’t deserved his trust. It had been his way to hold on to me. Even at my most crazy, he would still be there for me. That was almost unbelievable. After years of thinking no one could ever want me past my mistakes, his declaration was more of a dream come true than any other aspect of our relationship.

At the same time, I now realized the extent of my failures in our commitment to each other. While he would stand by me through anything, I had pushed him away with secrets and lies. And when I had believed that he had resorted to his past behaviors, when I believed he had manipulated me—I’d only gotten highly pissed. He’d been sick in the past, just as I had, yet I’d blamed him instead of offering understanding.

I fell to my knees with the weight of it all. Tears stung at my eyes. “I don’t know how to do this.”

“Do what?” He collapsed in front of me an arm’s length away. So near but, without his touch, so far.

“Have a relationship.” I swiped at the tears falling down my cheeks. “I keep fucking it up. I kept things from you. I accused you of manipulating me. I didn’t try to compromise about David.”

“I don’t care about any of that.” He nudged an inch closer, his expression desperate. “Just don’t give up on us. Please, don’t give up. I’m a shell without you, Alayna. I can barely breathe when you aren’t near me, when I’m not touching you. Right now, it’s all I can do to hold myself back from taking you in my arms.”

“Why are you holding back?” My need for him was astounding.

“Because I don’t want to resort to sex to solve this.”

“You listened. You always listen.” I choked back a sob.

“Alayna.”

Like always, the sound of my name on his tongue ignited me, and coupled with the distance between us, it increased my want, increased my anguish. “I need you, Hudson. I need you to touch me and bring me back into sync. I’m so far out of tune with you and it hurts—like part of me is missing.”

A weak smile crossed his lips. “You get it then.”

“I do.” I finally did understand it—how the physical connection between us was vital. It brought us closer, united us at a level so deep that our words and actions became meaningless in comparison.

His hand reached out, but he dropped it before touching me. “Are we…okay?”

“I’m not giving up, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m so lost without you. Find me, Hudson.”

“I already have.”

Then we were in each other’s arms, our lips crushing in a kiss that tasted of hope and love and salty tears. His hands on my back lit my body on fire. I needed my shirt off, knowing the feel of skin-on-skin would be my only salve.

Hudson recognized my urgency. Or perhaps it was his own desire that moved his hands to my buttons as I worked to undo his. Our kiss remained unbroken as we shed our shirts, then my bra. Then, with great reluctance, I let his mouth go so he could blaze a trail to my breasts. He cupped them both, first nuzzling and licking in the spot between them before moving his attention to one nipple. He tugged and sucked for long minutes until I was writhing and gasping. By the time he’d moved to the other nipple, I was aroused and near climax.

I’d been so immersed in Hudson’s adoration that I’d missed when he’d unwrapped my skirt until I felt his fingers on my clit through my panties, pushing at the bundle of nerves like it was a
release now
button. And it was—I was already on a hair-trigger. One simple swirl of his thumb and I was tumbling over.

Hudson held me upright as I spiraled into my release, his other hand ripping at my underwear so that by the time I began my descent, I was completely naked.

As my vision returned, I saw him fixated on the moisture between my legs. His eyes were scarred with lust, his expression wild. So hot. It was so hot. No one had ever looked at me like that before him. No gaze had ever come close.

It was too much in every good way. Too much and not enough. I needed him inside me. Craved his cock pushing into me, filling me. Completing me.

I clawed at the waistband of his pants, too insane with desire to productively work on their removal. Hudson took over and in a flash had lowered his pants enough to expose his hard, thick beautiful shaft.

I was already climbing on top of him when he stopped me with a curse. “Hold on.”

He stood and kicked his clothes off, the ache of his absence made dull with the sight of him stripped. That’s how I loved us best—completely naked, no barriers between us.

He fell back on his knees in front of me. My hands immediately grabbed for his pulsing cock. A trickle of pre-cum glistened on his crown, and I spread it down the length of him.