The Folding Star (57 page)

‘Capsized it.’

‘Capsized. I think she has to fall in love with her boyfriend’s best friend. So as to cause the most problems for everybody.’ He was shadowed by his experience, but proud of it too, and the licence it appeared to give him for scepticism about girls. I felt tensely light-headed as the twists of this drama, quite separate but bearing so darkly on my own, were recalled.

‘She certainly seemed very passionate, and possessive, when we met at dawn in the middle of a field the other day. It was almost like a duel. Of course I had no idea why he’d run off again, he’s never told me anything personal. She couldn’t help giving me the impression that it was her he’d run away from.’

Patrick gave a nervous flicker of a smile. ‘Au contraire,’ he said. ‘He was running away from me.’

This had the air of a briskly unwilling confession, and I was generous, welcoming, to the surprise it sprang. We had something in common, I could help him after all. ‘So you were both after him!’ And of course there was nothing surprising in that – it puzzled me that Luc wasn’t mobbed through the streets by defenceless admirers.

‘Au contraire,’ he said again, with a certain satisfaction at the chime and at the polymorphous stamina of the Three. ‘He was after me.’ I felt I’d have had to be Racine to keep abreast of this convulsive trio, their switches of allegiance that seemed compacted in retrospect into little more than a day.

My heart quickened, absurdly, at the glimpse of a second chance, the beautiful confirmation of how Luc’s thoughts turned, the need to get to him now before anyone else did. My mind roamed the map with a new sense of danger and jealousy. The unprecedented guilt of the past week, the fear that it was I who had driven him away, was lost in the deeper draft of these other explanations – went unseen, unguessed. If I had killed him, then it was only in a dream.

‘Yes,’ he went on, perhaps noticing my queer glow and wanting to distance himself, ‘after all these years he has announced that he’s in love with me.’

‘That doesn’t mean he wasn’t in love with you all along,’ I said, tender of Luc’s own feelings in the face of Patrick’s touchily butch manner. ‘Or ready to be in love with you when the moment came.’ At which he looked down and faltered. ‘Anyway, you don’t love him.’

‘Well, of course I
love
him,’ Patrick said, with the same secret pride at his recent graduation to the fellowship of high feeling, and a hint of a sulk at the suspicion he might still have something to learn. ‘I’ve known him all my life. He’s my clever friend. I am his friend, well, I’m almost his only friend, we were always together at St Narcissus, though other boys didn’t like him. And of course we … did things together … years ago. And I can’t do those things any more – that’s all I can say.’

‘That’s perfectly understandable. In fact it’s dreadfully commonplace.’

‘I wish I could, you know, make him happy,’ he said, both rueful and smug. ‘But nothing seems to fit together any more. Our little group of friends has become like a group of enemies!’

I laughed, sympathetically in part. ‘The time I saw you together Luc said you’d been arguing.’

‘You mean in the bar?’

‘Yes. He told me then he was in love and how he caught cold standing under a window, it must have been your window, at night …’

‘I wouldn’t be surprised. That’s nothing. I have hundreds of letters, every day more letters. He’s gone crazy – as I said, quite suddenly, though you say perhaps it was always there. He says if I would just go to sleep with him once, it would be okay.’ I clutched at my throat and looked away. ‘I told him there would be no point.’ Patrick hunched and drank off his coffee in a few gulps. ‘No, I think he had that idea from his friend Arnold.’

‘You mean his clever friend?’

‘He mentioned him? He is now at university. He was madly in love with Luc for years, and they were quite good friends too, though Arnold was going on like a second mother to him and making him be interested in classical music and reading poetry. Luc was quite flattered by his attention, well, he’s quite intelligent, he didn’t want to be unkind. But he did make the mistake of … making love with Arnold, just once, and as a matter of fact I don’t think Arnold has ever got over it.’

‘I see.’

Patrick was unbuttoning a shirt-pocket beneath the ski-jacket’s whispering cocoon. He fiddled out an envelope, and drew a letter from it, and half unfolded it. ‘It’s very sweet,’ he said, as I stared away from it and then let my eyes flick back in an involuntary attempt to decipher what was visible of Luc’s rapid, clumsy hand. Patrick held the letter close to himself and scanned it in a vain and rather tasteless way – I had the feeling he was teasing me with its private and unguarded contents, that he carried it as a sentimental token and liked to let me glimpse, when he turned it over, the wild and old-fashioned endearment with which it began, and which I might hunger for ever to hear from Luc myself. I thought he was going to read a bit out, and then with a shake of the head and a little smile he decided not to. He snapped the letter away and gave me a quick cold stare as if to repudiate any spurious intimacy.

‘Anyway, he hasn’t written to you since … he left.’

‘No.’

‘And you think he’s run away to escape from you, or from his feelings about you?’ I pressed this point with something of a policeman’s dullness and scepticism.

‘I don’t know,’ said Patrick crossly. And then, ‘I don’t see how I can be in charge of him. He’s done this before.’

‘Yes, I know. But that was only for a night.’

‘Who told you that? He was away for about three days before the police found him.’

I’d no idea. I said, ‘Thousands of young people do leave home, and nobody knows why.’ The bewildered parents were filmed in their well-appointed homes, numbly repeating how happy everything had been. They always seemed to me to offer proof of the stark unknowability of others, of a lurking violence, touched off by some invisible pressure into damage and self-destruction; it was what love sought to tame, and lived in half-excited fear of.

‘I just wondered’, said Patrick, ‘what happened that night, after we left you in the bar.’ I saw how subtly and yet unforgivingly he had brought the little interview round.

‘Well, nothing much that I can remember,’ I said, almost languidly. ‘Luc did say how unhappy he was, but never quite told me why. We chatted with other friends of mine.’ I remembered the little stings of his pillow-talk – the bet the three youngsters had had about me, Sibylle’s jealous intuition of my feelings. And yet she had left me with him. But then Luc himself had deplored the strained talk of that evening – the eerie politesse that masked the break-up of the Three, and acknowledged it. I went on carefully: ‘I said Luc must get home to bed, as we had a lesson first thing in the morning.’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Patrick broke in.

I wondered what he knew. I found I was longing for his confidence: I wanted to step in and take the place of the absent friends, soothe the unacknowledged bereavements of his awkward time of life. I thought how pained and creepy I might seem to him – both predatory and vicarious. ‘I wish I could have helped him more,’ I said.

But he was reasonable: ‘You did what you could. You’ve been all around the place on that merry goose hunt!’ He slapped the table to mark his pleasure in knowing this imaginary idiom, and frowned in slightly forced exasperation. ‘He’s a bloody nuisance!’ he said, and ran on quickly, ‘Do you think he might be dead?’

I hushed the idea away, and as I did so saw Orst’s simple panel of the beach and the sea and the dusk sky.

I waited for Paul in the portraits room. The women and children there were strangers to me still, waiting themselves, it seemed, pink-cheeked from the outside world, in the vestibule of the dark laboratory. I had hardly been to see them since that first half-conscious visit, stumbling from the early shock of Luc. They were the beginning of the tour, spirits of the happy region the painter had left behind. They looked out, from their background of indecipherable old tapestry, like figures from a sunlit ante-bellum, suspecting nothing. The children especially, girl-cousins and long-legged boys, were stirring and faunal, for all their blue-ribboned hats and courtly knee-breeches. Orst captured their restlessness, the brevity of the repose he had exacted from them, penned in a deep corner of the sofa, or in a fur-edged coat and hat as if just returned from a winter walk alive with new knowledge, hands behind back pressing the door to, the attention barely held. He discovered the girl in his mother, also, though the swept-back hair was grey, the skin silvery-soft above the high white collar. Her eyes were cast down Memling-like on an open book, her cheek flushed as if by a first compliment.

Paul came in with his briefcase and trilby. We were going up to Brussels together, where we would see an Orst sculpture that was due to be auctioned, and I would go on to a chat with Martin Altidore that filled me with apprehension laced with furtive eagerness. Paul handed me the catalogue with the place marked, and I looked at the photo of the naked plaster torso, disingenuously called ‘Printemps’, and the high-class patter beneath, ‘une de ses très rares œuvres plastiques’. I went out to the car wondering if I could possibly have converted the estimate rightly.

For a minute or so I found something inexplicably comic in the sight of Paul at the wheel of his desirable little Alfa Giulietta – upright and circumspect, as though he still remembered his lessons. I’m afraid it communicated itself in some way and sharpened his edginess. I did what I could, admired the car, then talked blandly about the town in the winter morning light – though once we were free of the outskirts I saw how little I missed it, what a ghost city it was, now Luc had gone. I felt a dread of living on there without him, the pointless months, the paralysis of ingrown failure.

‘No news of the Altidore boy?’ said Paul, out of some subtle and forgiving sympathy.

I turned my head and watched the slow wheeling-past of the farmlands, each shed and bungalow and leafless poplar bald and staring with his absence. ‘Nothing at all.’

I was aware of Paul watching me for a moment. ‘You’re very in love with him, aren’t you?’

Poplars, a windmill, a level-crossing. ‘Yes – yes, I am.’

A slowing, waiting, then overtaking. ‘I’m so sorry – sorry, that is, that you must be going through hell.’

Paul was unembarrassed by my crying, or sensed the gleam of relief through its drizzle, the snivelling smile that welcomed comfort. ‘It must have been … obvious!’

‘Oh, not at all. Or hardly. I think in retrospect perhaps I wondered, or had little glimpses that I failed to make anything of at the time.’

‘Quite often I thought you’d seen.’

‘It was Lilli who told me. You know, you left some of the boy’s clothes mixed up with your wash. It was only then I realised that you were having an affair.’

‘Ah …’

‘Don’t worry, she won’t tell anyone. I assume it is a secret.’

‘Um – I don’t think his mother would be very pleased.’

‘One can imagine the effect on her needlework,’ said Paul quietly, not sure if a joke was allowed. I gave a grateful low guffaw.

We drove on in silence, an expectant silence, whilst I wondered if I dared say more. I fingered the catch of the glove-box abstractedly.

‘Rodney told me he’d seen you together in a bar,’ said Paul, so that I thought he had just been softening me up before the serious trouble could begin.

‘I was very rude to him. I suppose he’s been what he’d call researching me, has he? He probably thinks I’ve bumped Luc off. I’m sorry, but he’s a nightmare – Rodney.’

‘I suppose he’s not perhaps very …’ mumbled Paul, trying to adjust to what was clearly an unexpected view of his new employee. ‘Anyway, that isn’t the point – he just appeared very concerned about the boy’s whereabouts. He was asking Marcel all about your expedition.’

I thought, I’m too upset already to have to think about Rodney Young. ‘I can’t explain,’ I snapped. ‘He’s just my
bête noire
.’ Paul made a ‘Sorry I mentioned it’ face, and went on at once:

‘I’m not criticising you, my dear Edward. I don’t know if what you’ve done is right or not. Some would say that you are in a position of trust in the Altidore household, as you are in ours, and that such a trust hardly envisages your starting an affair with your pupil.’

I muttered my fatalistic tag, ‘It happens, it happens.’ It would have been too feebly extenuating, too woundingly true, to have said that it was the boy who had seduced me.

‘Of course it happens. I know it happens. Really what I want to say is that it does not alter or diminish my trust in you at all.’ The curiously formal language with which Paul entered this new phase of candour.

‘Thank you.’ I glanced at him and saw that he was stiff with nerves; I began some further socially graceful acknowledgement, but he cut across it with the already prepared continuation of his speech, perhaps with a tiny stutter of delay –

‘No, it’s all quite fascinating to me. May I – there’s something I’d rather like to tell you.’

We were nearing another small city, large signs gathered to explain the inescapable choices we had to make. I gazed out across fields, depots, the sun-reflecting car-parks of factories, to the cluster of gothic towers like a bungled version of our own. I felt a certain reluctance to listen to Paul. My mind was running on ahead to the meeting with Martin, which I imagined would test me a good deal more thoroughly than this one with Paul. I thought Paul could be using this hour to rehearse me, as if for a viva after a wobbly exam. I didn’t want the journey to be over too soon, but at the same time I fidgeted to be out of the car. I suspected what he was going to say would be one of those admissions the teller considers to be ‘oddly similar’ to your own and which, offered as proof of sympathy, serve only to rob your predicament of its force and singularity.

As if I hadn’t heard him, I said, ‘I’m terribly worried about seeing Martin Altidore.’

I felt him flinch from my rebuff – for a second I recalled the atmosphere of scenes in the car, the two parties strapped in their positions, glaring forwards. But when he spoke it was in a tone of negotiation: ‘I can see it’s difficult’; and after a moment he reached out and patted me on the arm just as I moved it. ‘Are you thinking of coming clean?’