The Forest Ranger's Child (16 page)

“I wanted to. More than anything else in the world, I want you to be happy.” He handed her a tissue from his pocket. “Don’t cry, honey. Smile for me instead.”

She cried harder, biting her top lip, looking down at the ground as she struggled to regain her composure.

Nate realized what he said was true. Yes, it was way too soon to be asking her to marry him. Yes, he should wait and court her and give them more time to get to know one another. But in spite of all that, he loved this woman. If he waited, she might give the baby up for adoption. She might leave and he’d never find her. And Nate didn’t want that. He wanted to keep this child. To become a real family.

To be a father and husband.

Taking Lily’s hand, he slid the oversize diamond ring onto her finger and gazed into her eyes with all the love he had shining in his heart. “Marry me, Lily. Marry me and make me the happiest man on earth.”

Chapter Fifteen

“N
o, I can’t marry you, Nate. I can’t.” Lily tugged off her mother’s ring and handed it back to him, but he didn’t take it. Instead, he came to his feet and placed his hands in his pants pockets.

“Why? Why not?”

“I don’t want your pity.”

“I don’t want to marry you out of pity, Lil. Surely you know me well enough to know that.”

“No, I don’t. I…I’m soiled goods.”

A spark of pain flashed in his eyes and Lily hated herself for hurting him. This man who had been so kind and generous to her. So easy to talk to. Always there. Always protecting her. And look how she treated him in return.

He shook his head, his gaze never wavering from hers. “Not to me, you’re not. You’re beautiful, kind, generous, hardworking, and the only woman I’ve ever wanted to be with.”

Was he a masochist? What man wanted to marry a woman like her? Marrying her could taint his reputation and destroy his career with the Forest Service. “You deserve so much more. I…I don’t love you, Nate.”

He jerked one shoulder in a shrug, his face stoic with resolve. “I love you enough for both of us, Lily.”

“But that’s not enough for me. And it wouldn’t be fair to you.”

A troubled frown pulled at his brows. “Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?”

“You don’t understand.”

“You’re right. I don’t understand your reluctance. But I can offer you everything you’ve ever wanted. Security. Reliability. And love.”

“I do want those things, Nate, but I’m not willing to just take and give nothing in return. I can’t marry someone I don’t love. I won’t marry someone because he feels sorry for me.”

“But I don’t—”

She stopped him. She couldn’t stand the thought of seeing this big, strong man begging. “No, Nate. You have my answer and that’s final.”

This was about pity and nothing more. Nate must be insane. Or very kind and generous. Which wasn’t a good reason to marry someone.

She held out her hand, trying to give him back the ring, but he lowered his hands out of her grasp.

He stared at her, his dark eyes not filled with pain and anger as she expected, but rather compassion. “Keep it. I know how much it means to you. I want you to have it.”

He backed away. She followed him, holding the ring out. As much as she loved this diamond and what it meant to her, she couldn’t keep it. It didn’t belong to her now.

“Nate, it’s not mine anymore.” When he wouldn’t take it, she dropped it into the pocket of his suit coat and stepped away, folding her arms tight over the top of her tummy.

He lowered one of his calloused hands and folded his palm over his pocket, as though feeling the weight of the ring inside. He stared at the lake, his face devoid of expression. Only the subtle stiffness of his back and shoulders told her how upset he was.

He turned abruptly, his eyes filled with determination. He lifted his hands and took a step toward her.

“Don’t! Don’t touch me.” She backed away fast, holding up her hands, as if that could ward him off. A blaze of hot panic shot through her, stinging her skin. Injecting her body with adrenalin. Her survival instincts kicked into high gear and she cried out.

Nate hesitated, standing just inches away. Confusion crossed his features and he took another step.

With a strangled cry, Lily turned and ran toward the truck. She couldn’t let him hit her. Couldn’t let him harm her baby.

“Lil, wait!”

She stumbled over the uneven ground. Her ankle twisted in her high heels and she almost went down but caught her balance just in time. She limped the rest of the way, hurrying as fast as she could go. Seeking the protection of the vehicle.

“Don’t run, honey. You’ll fall.” Nate’s cautionary voice came from behind, urgent yet gentle.

She reached the truck. Her fingers jerked at the doorknob. Pulling hard. She had to get inside. Had to be where it was safe.

The handle jerked back, stinging her fingers. Locked! She whirled around, pressing her back against the hard metal of the truck. Panting. Frightened as she faced Nate and what his big, strong fists might do to her.

“Please, don’t,” she croaked, shrinking away.

Through her tears, she watched him with dread. Bracing herself for the exploding pain. Folding her arms across her stomach, knowing it wasn’t enough to protect her child if Nate decided to hit or kick her.

He stood in front of her, his eyes filled with concern and sadness. He lifted his hands, palms facing her. His voice sounded thick with conviction and he backed away several paces. “I won’t ever hurt you, Lil. You needn’t fear me. Not ever.”

She pressed a hand to her mouth, with nowhere to run. Sobbing. Trembling. A prayer in her heart.

Please help me, God.

Nate’s voice was whisper soft and filled with anguish. “Lily. Oh, sweet Lily. What did he do to you? What did he do?”

Nothing! Everything! How she wished she could confide in Nate. To tell him what she’d been through. To learn how to trust again. But she couldn’t. The price was too high.

Nate stepped back even farther, his eyes full of pain. “I’m not Tommy. I’ll never raise a hand to you in anger. Not ever. This I vow.”

His soft voice surrounded her with firm conviction. How she wished she could believe him. Between Tommy’s violence and Dad’s explosive anger, she’d been trained over the years not to trust men. Trust was a luxury she couldn’t afford anymore. But how could she explain her skepticism to Nate? He’d done nothing but show her kindness.

“Are you okay now?” he asked. Still a soft voice. Still soothing and gentle.

She wiped her eyes and nodded, a small shudder running through her body. He must think she was crazy. A raving lunatic. “I…I’m so sorry, Nate. I guess I lost it there for a moment.”

“Can I come closer?” he asked.

She eyed his tall body, dressed in his best Sunday suit. She saw no harsh lines on his face. No reddening with anger. No tense shoulders or clenched fists. But body language wasn’t always a good indicator of intentions. Tommy had been calm and serene one moment, and explosive with fury the next. She’d learned to have quick reflexes, just in case.

She nodded.

Nate stepped close enough to touch her. She watched him, ready to spring away if he even flinched.

“Talk to me, Lil. Please. I want to be close to you. I’ll never betray you. You can trust me.”

Trust was the last thing she was prepared to give. And yet she wanted it so much. Just one friend in the whole wide world she could tell everything to. Hold nothing back. Nate had been so kind. So good. Surely she could confide in him, couldn’t she?

“I…I almost lost this baby once, Nate.”

“Because of Tommy?”

She nodded, pressing her left hand against the side of her stomach, her right hand ready to push him away if necessary.

Nate squeezed his eyes tightly closed, as if he could feel her pain. When he opened them again, she saw nothing but compassion and a bit of fury there. “I’m so sorry, Lily. I wish I’d been there to protect you.”

Did he mean it? “How could you? We didn’t know each other yet and it wasn’t your job.”

“I still wish I’d been there. I would have knocked Tommy senseless for ever hurting you. Believe me, I’d have taught him a hard lesson.”

Even though it might not be Christian, she kind of liked that thought.

“Thanks. Tommy always had a bad temper. He’d slap me sometimes, but when I confronted him over his wife and kids, he…he beat me up pretty bad. I spent two weeks in the hospital. While I was there, I discovered I was pregnant. I thanked God that Tommy hadn’t killed my baby.”

She swallowed around a sudden lump in her throat. A fresh welling of tears sprang into her eyes. Her chin quivered, but she bit her lip, refusing to give in to the emotions trying to overcome her.

Nate shifted his feet, his hands seeming restless, as though he longed to take her into his arms and hold her. “I’m so sorry, Lil. If you were mine, I’d love and cherish you. I’d protect you.”

Did he mean it? She longed to believe him. To trust him. “But you see why I…I can’t marry you, Nate?”

He shook his head. “No, I don’t see that at all. All I see is a beautiful, heartbroken woman who needs a good man to show her that real love isn’t made up of lies and violence. It’s made up of trust and respect.”

“You can’t possibly love me, Nate. We barely know each other. I have yet to meet a man who knows what real love is.”

“Until now,” he said. “I’m that man, Lily. I won’t give up on you. Or us. Not ever.”

“I’m not sure I even know what real love is, Nate.”

An understanding smile curved Nate’s full lips. “You know, I’ve discovered that most of the time we’re harder on ourselves than God is. He wants us to be happy. Knowing how much God loves us, how can we withhold forgiveness from ourselves? If we really understand that the Lord wants to forgive us, it makes it a bit easier to forgive ourselves.”

She thought this over. Although she knew they never could be together, in her heart of hearts, she couldn’t help wishing things could be different. “I wish I’d met you years ago, before I met Tommy and totally messed up my life.”

He smiled at her, the sun gleaming against his dark hair. His eyes brightened and she thought he must be the most handsome man she’d ever seen.

“It’s not too late,” he said. “Your life isn’t messed up. I just wish I could convince you how wonderful things could be for us. We could start fresh. I’m willing to try, if you are.”

She bit her lip, longing to take the step he wanted from her. But she couldn’t. She’d promised herself and the Lord that she’d never jump into another relationship again. That she’d do what was right for this baby, no matter how much it hurt. And right now, she believed giving her baby up for adoption was the best thing. Even so, Nate’s words left her shaken to the core. For one second, she could envision them married and raising this baby together. Having more children later on down the road. Working together. Being a genuine, happy family.

She turned toward the truck, not quite taking her eyes off him. “Will you unlock the door, please?”

She heard a chirp as he pressed the key fob for the automatic locks. He reached past her to open the door. She let him hold her elbow as she got inside. Moving slow, she eased the seat belt across her tummy and sat back while he clicked it into place. When he looked into her eyes, he smiled, their noses mere inches apart. Right now, when she was lucid, she wondered how she could ever be frightened of this good man.

The warmth of his breath whispered past her lips as he spoke. “I’m not giving up on us. When you’re ready, I’ll be here for you. Forever.”

A century seemed to pass as they gazed at each other. A time she would cherish until the day she died. Because this was the first time, the first man, to ever tell her he loved her without demanding something in return.

When he pulled away, he brushed her hand with his. No grasping or holding tight. Just a gentle touch of his fingertips. Soft and yearning. Building trust between them in spite of her insistence that they could never be more than friends.

As Nate drove her home, he talked about his work. Dirt roads that needed rebuilding later in the summer, after the flooding had passed. High mountain pastures he was opening up for new grazing permittees to use. Leasing National Forest land for possible geothermal development.

“Geothermal development could be a good form of green energy as well as an opportunity to help create jobs for the State of Nevada,” he said.

Lily let him talk, letting his deep, calm voice soothe her jangled nerves. She caught the enthusiasm in his tone and realized this man loved and knew his job well. He was so much more than just a horse trainer.

“Your job sounds complicated. How have you learned all of this stuff?” she asked.

He shrugged. “I have a bachelor’s in range management and a dual master’s degree in soil science and hydrology, along with eleven years’ experience. There’s still a lot I need to learn, but I love what I do.”

“You love working with horses, too.”

He inclined his head. “Most people are good at a lot of things.”

She snorted. “Not me. I’m good at working on a ranch and that’s about it.”

“You’re also a great cook. You forget I’ve eaten a few meals at your house. You make the best homemade rolls I’ve ever had. None better.”

His praise touched her deeply. It’d been a long time since she felt good at anything. “Mom taught me.”

“And you’re good with horses, too. I saw how you handled Misty. As soon as you have this little girl, we’ll get you back in the saddle. Then you can show me what else you can do.”

Lily pressed the palms of her hands against her baby bump, longing to raise her child with all the love and gentleness she should have been raised with.

“I used to dream of going to college one day,” she said.

“There’s no reason you can’t still do that.”

“I can’t leave Emerald Ranch as long as Dad needs me.”

He hunched his shoulders. “Online classes work you just as hard as in-class instruction. Why not go to college online?”