The Fullness of Quiet (10 page)

We went and sat on the swings. He asked me what I thought about the day.

“It’s nothing special,” I replied. He shook his head at my response.

“Describe this park to me,” he said. I paused before describing the scene before me.

“Is that really what you see?” I nodded. “Look closer. Do you not see the dents from years of being played with? From the hundreds of children that have come through here? The smiling faces that would have enjoyed every second of running around?”

I listened to what he said and tried to picture the busy image he painted. I could almost make out all the children but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t see their faces and in a moment the whole image was gone. I looked down at my feet. I knew what he was getting at now. My positivity and joy had gone. I had been so amazed at his inability to be able to see the beauty around him and now I was the one who couldn’t see it.

Joshua pointed across the park. There were two boys running and playing tag. They were laughing and shouting at each other. A little girl ran over to join in the fun and they all weaved and ducked between the play things in order to avoid each other. I gave a small smile and then looked away. I didn’t like looking at them enjoying themselves. Helen wasn’t able to be like that and they simply reminded me of her.

“I’m sorry,” I signed.

Joshua stood up from the swing, took my hand and led me to the other side of the park. He lay down on the patch of grass that was left there and tugged on my arm. I lay down next to him.

“Tell me what stories the clouds have to tell today,” he said. I looked up at the white fluffy things high above me in the sky. They didn’t look like much, just white fluffy things.

“I don’t know,2 I replied.

“You have to try, Jocelyn.” He lifted his finger into the air and traced imaginary images. “That one is a dragon, can you see it?” I squinted at the clouds and tried to make them fit the shape he described. “What about that one? That is a flower.” I could see that one a little more clearly but only when he mentioned it. On its own it was just a white lump. He pointed out other shapes. A clown, rabbit, a cave man. “Look at that one,” he signed. “It’s a perfect love heart.” That one I could see. It was impossible to miss. It stood on its own, separate from the other clouds.

“That one looks like fire,” I signed. Joshua looked at me and smiled. I couldn’t help but smile back. He looked past me and the expression in his eyes changed. Before I could turn and look, a black Labrador had bounded between us and was desperately trying to lick my face. I burst out laughing and tried to push the slobbering face away from me. It turned and launched itself at Joshua, pinning him to the ground. We were both laughing so much. The owner came over and called the dog away, apologizing.

We lay back into the grass, still laughing. I studied Joshua’s face. He hadn’t changed that much when I thought about it. His attitude toward life was certainly different but his face was the same. The way he laughed, the way he smiled and the way he signed were all exactly as I remembered them.

He stopped laughing and returned my intense gaze. I knew he was studying me in the same way but I couldn’t force myself to look away. I didn’t want to. His eyes were just as I remembered them. Always so sensitive and you could tell when he was closed off from others but for that moment in time, they were open and ready to tell me all his secrets.

I reached out a hand and ran it through his hair. The familiarity of everything about him was overwhelming and yet comforting at the same time. ‘I knew this person’ was what my heart was telling me ‘but he’d already hurt me once’ was my mind’s reply.

I pulled my hand away and sat up. Joshua lay still for a few more moments before getting to his feet and helping me up. He took my hand and led me out of the park.

“Where are we going now?” I asked him. He just winked at me.

He led me to a small stream not too far away. It was shallow and the banks weren’t too steep. He sat on the grass and pulled up his jeans. He then took off his shoes and socks and left them by a tree. I watched him walk straight into the water without hesitation.

“You’re crazy,” I signed. He laughed.

“Come one,” he encouraged me.

“No way.”

“Do I have to force you? I will dunk you in this stream if you refuse.”

I held my hands up in surrender before sitting down, taking my shoes and socks off and rolling up my jeans. I stood at the edge of the bank, looking at the crystal clear water. He came over and took my hand, helping me in case I slipped.

The water was freezing cold. I looked at Joshua and he laughed at my expression. I wasn’t particularly impressed with him at that moment. He waded further out into the stream and indicated I should follow him. I was careful to place my feet on steady ground; I didn’t want to slip.

“Look.” He pointed into the water and there was a group of the smallest fish I had ever seen. I peered closer, holding Joshua for support. I dipped my hand in the water and they all darted off in opposite directions.

Joshua did the same but a moment later when he pulled it out, a small black snail was clung to his finger. I stroked its shell and touched its body. The snail recoiled into its home and refused to come back out. I laughed.

“We should go.” I nodded in agreement. He put the snail back in the water and led the way to the bank. As he was climbing up onto dry ground, the bank gave way under his weight and he slipped back into the water. I laughed so hard. He was on his hands and knees and was soaked to the bone. The expression on his face was pure shock. He got to his feet and turned to look at me laughing. He narrowed his eyes and then bent down, cupped his hands in the water and sprayed me in the face. I stopped laughing.

Before he could do it again, I mimicked his move and before we could stop ourselves, we were having a water fight that resulted in him picking me up and throwing me into the water. We eventually climbed out onto the bank, both dripping wet and breathing hard.

I rolled over onto my side to face him. He bent his face close to mine and kissed me. I froze and pulled away. We both looked at each other. Neither of us had expected it and I could see he regretted it.

“I’m sorry,” he signed. “I forgot...” He didn’t finish his sentence. I knew what he was getting at though. He forgot that we’d been apart. Forgot that everything was so different now. He helped me to my feet. “We should go back to mine and dry off. It’s closer than yours. I will give you some clothes to borrow for now.”

Chapter 17

I’d never visited Joshua’s house. He was temporarily staying with his aunt again but I’d never been invited over. I’d never really wanted to be if I was honest. The small amount he had told me about his aunt made me feel intimidated. I was so used to being in an environment where everyone was used to me being deaf that to suddenly encounter someone who lived with a deaf person but paid them no heed was just upsetting.

“Everyone is out today,” Joshua signed to me. “They have gone to visit a friend and will not be back before dinner.” I nodded. From the outside the house looked huge. It was a semi-detached urban building made from plain bricks. The door was green and surrounded by shrubbery. The path leading to the door was flat and even. Flowers and other greenery lined the fence, the wall and everything else it could. It looked homely.

Joshua led me down the path and then he turned right. He approached the gate for the back garden and reached over the top to unhook the bolt. The gate swung open and we walked in. I closed the gate behind me and followed Joshua round the back; he pulled out a key and unlocked the French doors that led into the kitchen.

“Wait here, I will go and get some dry clothes for you.” I nodded. To my surprise he pulled his t-shirt up over his head, unzipped his jeans and left them in a wet pile on the floor. He didn’t even look at me, which was just as well because I was pretty sure my mouth was hanging open. He walked into the house in his wet boxers that clung to his bum cheeks. His body was well defined and it was clear that he’d been to the gym regularly. He had broad shoulders and a narrow waist. Muscles flexed down his back as he walked.

I didn’t know where to look. I couldn’t take my eyes off him but I knew if he turned round and caught me staring I would be mortally embarrassed. I was shocked to the extreme. Not only had I not expected him to just take his clothes off, I didn’t expect to see such a muscled body underneath. When I thought about it, I wasn’t sure what I expected.

I was looking at the garden when he came back out. I was comparing all the flowers. There were so many of them in so many colors. They really were beautiful. Joshua came back out fully clothed and for some reason I felt a tiny bit disappointed. He was dressed in a pair of jeans and a loose zip-up jumper but it was clear he wasn’t wearing a top underneath.

He handed me a pile of clothes. “I’ll wait inside,” he signed. Not knowing what I would want to wear, he’d brought me an array of items: a pair of old jeans, a pair of sweatpants, a t-shirt, a jumper, a pair of shorts and a pair of thick socks. I decided to wear the sweatpants and the jumper with the socks. I was starting to get cold and I didn’t want to end up shivering.

Joshua appeared round the corner just as I was about to lift my t-shirt up. My stomach was exposed for a moment and he paused mid-sign. I quickly pulled down my top.

“I was going to say that I can dry your underwear first and then everything else second so at least that way you’re comfortable.” I smiled.

“That’s smart.” He winked at me and disappeared. I turned my body away from the house. It was the most privacy I could get. My clothes were stuck to me and I had to struggle to get them off. It was at the point that I was trying to get my t-shirt over my shoulders when I eventually got stuck.

I looked over my shoulder to see Joshua had walked into the kitchen.

“Can you help me please?” I signed. He laughed but came over to help. He stood in front of me and pulled the clinging material up and over my head. He was taller than I remembered and I only noticed it then because I was suddenly looking up into his eyes. He hesitated and then bent his head down to kiss me. My whole body was tingling. He dropped my t-shirt on the ground, placed a hand on my back and the other on my neck. He pulled me close and held me there, paused in that moment.

The whole situation was very surreal. I was stood there in my bra and jeans and him in that zip-up. Neither of us moved for a very long time. We knew what would happen if one of us stepped away and it was only a matter of time before it did. It was me. I stepped away from him and picked up his t-shirt form the pile of clothes he’d given me. I slipped it on over my head and took my bra off underneath. The top was so big that it came just low enough for me to take of my jeans and knickers without feeling too exposed. I shoved on the sweatpants and then helped Joshua pick up all the wet clothes. They were covered in leaves and other bits from the floor but he said it would all come off once they were dry.

He walked into the kitchen and stuck all the clothes into the tumble dryer. We stood watching it for a few minutes before Joshua asked me if I wanted to watch a film. I nodded. A film sounded like a good idea, besides I couldn’t go home until my clothes were dry.

He led me into the living room and it wasn’t exactly big but it was cozy and big enough for a group of people. Joshua opened the cupboard to the right of the TV to reveal rows and rows of DVD cases. I stared, amazed. The only place I’d ever seen that many films was in Blockbuster.

“Yes, they have quite a few,” he signed. He smiled at me, clearly impressed with my reaction. I wandered over to the films and ran my finger along the brightly colored spines. There were a few I recognized but so many that I hadn’t even heard of. “Have you seen Die Hard?” he asked. I shook my head. “We have to watch it!” I laughed. Clearly I wasn’t educated enough in the film department.

He reached up to the top shelf to fetch down the DVD case and I watched his muscles stretch and his body arch upwards. I turned away and went to settle myself on the sofa. The distance between us would help me to clear my mind. He was making all my thoughts seem fuzzy and I didn’t feel particularly comfortable about it.

I watched him as he set up the TV and then the DVD. He muted the sound, sorted out the subtitles and then came and sat next to me. He left enough space so I didn’t feel uncomfortable but not so much that I didn’t feel his presence right there.

The film was good but I can’t honestly say that I paid much attention to it. About half way through, Joshua got up to go check on the tumble dryer and the swirl of confusion that spiraled through my mind in those few moments he was gone were just indescribable.

I tried to organize my thoughts but I wasn’t successful. Instead, I focused my attention on Bruce Willis who was running all over the place firing his gun.

“The clothes are dry,” he signed when he came back in the room.

“Good. I’ll put mine on. They’ll keep me warm,” I answered. Joshua nodded. I walked into the kitchen to find that he’d folded our clothes into two piles on the kitchen table.

I watched the rest of the film after I was dressed and then I left to go home but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about him and I knew I was being foolish but the emotions were much stronger than what I remembered of them from before.

Chapter 18

Joshua insisted on walking me home and we walked most of the way in silence. I was under the impression he was trying very hard to please me after the heartache he’d put me through.

I looked up at the sky as we walked and noticed the array of colors from the setting sun. The pinks, blues and purples. Before we’d left the house, Joshua had shown me the painting that I had done for him of the sunset and I cast my mind back to the bright colors of the image. I was touched that he had kept it. I admit though I would have been upset if he hadn’t. I thought of the day we’d spent together and how he’d so easily revived the spirit in me. He’d shown me the things that I had once appreciated and no longer noticed. I smiled to myself.