The Fullness of Quiet (11 page)

“What are you thinking?” He signed to me.

“Nothing. Why?”

“You’re smiling to yourself.” My smile grew wider.

“I was thinking how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me today,” I signed. I put my hand in his and he squeezed gently. We walked in silence. The silence that was our lives. The silence that never left.

I realized how slow we were walking and it was all because I secretly didn’t want to go home. I wanted to stay with him and enjoy the moments but despite that, I was still wary of him. He had, after all, deserted me at the point when I thought it would have been impossible.

We stood awkwardly outside my front door. I didn’t know what to do and he didn’t know what to say. I avoided looking at his face because I knew he was staring straight at me. When I eventually looked up, his gaze was so intense I couldn’t look away.

“Jocelyn, I’m so sorry for everything that has happened. For abandoning you, for your sister getting ill, for everything.”

“Thank you.” I expected him to lean in and try to kiss me. I’d been thinking how I would handle the situation if he did but to my surprise he simply turned and walked away. There was no promise of seeing me soon, there was no flirting, there was no imposed conversation. He just left, like he did over a year ago. I watched him walk away before entering my house.

There was no-one downstairs so I assumed Daddy was tucking Helen into bed. I gently opened the door to her room to see him sat on the bed talking to her. She looked so frail but at least there was a little bit of color back in her cheeks. They both looked up as I entered, a smile spread across Helen’s face.

“Can you tell me a story, please,” she asked. I nodded in reply. Daddy smiled. I lip read as he said his goodnight to Helen and then left the room.

I went and settled myself in Daddy’s space on the bed. I could feel the warmth that he had left there. “Have I ever told you the story of Beauty and the Beast?” I asked. Helen shook her head.

“Once upon a time there was a rich Prince. He was greedy and ungrateful. His parents encouraged him to take a wife but he refused, saying that he needed no such thing. One rainy, stormy night, an old Woman visited the castle and asked the Prince to give her shelter for the night. In return she would give him an enchanted rose. The Prince refused. The old Woman warned him that if he did not shelter her for the night then there would be a consequence but still the Prince refused.

“At that moment, the old Woman transformed into a beautiful Enchantress and the Prince begged for her forgiveness but she told him that she would not forgive him until he learnt the meaning of true beauty. She cast a spell on the entire castle and turned him into a Beast. She gave him the rose and said that if he had not found someone he loved that loved him in return by the time the last petal falls on his twenty-first birthday, then he would remain a Beast forever.

“The Prince lived in his castle, alone for many years as the ugly Beast the Enchantress had turned him into. One day, a poor Man ran through the gates in order to escape the forest ghouls and the Beast threw him in the dungeons. He had little patience with anyone, his temper was easily provoked.

“A beautiful young Girl came looking for the old Man, her father, after his horse had returned home without him. She made her way into the castle and found her father in the dungeons. At that moment the Beast made an appearance and told her to go away. She pleaded for him to let her father go and take her in his place. The Beast agreed, seeing this as a way out of his curse.

“At first, the young Girl refused to see the Beast. To her, the castle was her prison. She finally ventured from her room to explore the castle and came face to face with the Beast. He was gentle and as patient as he could be with her and the Girl grew to like the Beast. They spent time together and she taught him many things.

“One day, the Girl decided to explore the castle and came across a rose in a glass box. A glowing petal slowly drifted to the floor of its case. The Beast appeared, enraged that she had seen his secret and told her to leave. Before she left, he gave her a mirror and said that should she ever wish to see him, he would appear in the glass.

“The Girl left the castle immediately and returned home. When she got home she found that the people in her village had put her father in an asylum for crazy people. She proved that the Beast he was talking about was real by showing them the mirror. When the Villagers saw the Beast they grabbed their torches and pitchforks and made their way to the castle after locking the young Girl in her basement.

“The Girl forced her way out and rushed to the castle to save the Beast. After the battle and when the Villagers had left, the Girl found the Beast lying on the floor next to the glass case of his precious flower. Overwhelmed by his death she sobbed and declared her love for him. At that moment, a bright light shone all around and the ugly Beast turned back into the handsome Prince and they lived happily ever after.”

“I like that one!” said Helen. “That was amazing. Why did the Girl love the Beast if he was ugly?”

“She got to know the person behind the appearance and found that his personality was beautiful. That is what she fell in love with and when you fall in love with a personality, the looks become beautiful too.”

“Is that what happened with Joshua?”

“What?’”

“You love Joshua don’t you?” I didn’t answer. “Is it his personality that you love?”

“I think that’s enough for one night, it’s late and you need some sleep.”

“It’s not that late.”

“Quiet now.” Helen settled down in her bed and I kissed her goodnight before turning off the light. I stood outside her door a moment, composing myself. I knew Helen was perceptive but I was amazed, again, at how much she understood the world around her. I didn’t know if I loved Joshua. At one point in time I would have been adamant, but now I was unsure.

I made my way downstairs and found Daddy in the living room. I went over and gave him a hug. I’d missed him these past few weeks. We’d barely spoken what with Helen being ill and me being in such a distant place.

“How are you?” he asked me.

“Better,” I replied.

“How’s Joshua?” Everyone kept catching me by surprise today. Maybe I was so far into my own world that I was forgetting to notice the one around me.

“He’s good,” I replied. “He cheered me up a lot.”

“I can tell. I know it’s not my business, Jocelyn, and I know that he has hurt you in the past but I’m sure it was not intentional. I think you should give him a chance. I’m going to go to bed.” He lifted himself from his chair and kissed me on the top of my head. “I’m glad you’re feeling better. I love you. Goodnight.”

I sat in the living room for a long time before finally going up to my room and even then I wasn’t really tired. My mind was wide awake with so many thoughts. I sat at my desk and began writing. After a while I scrunched up the piece of paper and threw it in the bin. This routine lasted for over an hour before I finally decided to put on a film and get into bed.

In the morning my thoughts were finally arranged. After checking on Helen and finishing my homework for Monday, I sat at my desk and finished the letter I’d been writing. It was for Joshua and I knew that it was going to determine our future relationship.

I found him before lessons began, stood chatting with his friends. I gave him the three-page letter and left without an explanation. The letter would explain enough without me adding to it. I avoided Joshua for the rest of the day and relied on fate to play out the events to come.

Chapter 19

I’m sat in a room that’s unfamiliar to me. I know it but somehow it’s a distant memory. The wallpaper is old and the flowers have faded. The furniture is old and worn. The fireplace has been replaced with an electric one and netting hangs in the window.

My daughter walks into the room, carrying a tray with a pot of tea, two cups and a plate of biscuits. She’s in her mid-thirties and has two wonderful children, both boys. They’re somewhere in the house or the garden, playing.

“How are you doing, Ma?” she signs to me.

“Good, thank you,” I reply. My hands are shaking as I sign. I don’t like how I can’t control them as well. Every task takes that little extra effort and focus that I can’t afford to give it. Most of the time I give up and spill my drink but sometimes I don’t even know I’ve done it.

I’m a lonely person. A widow. My husband died several months ago and it’s been taking some time to get used to. He was my sweetheart and the one man in life that I could trust with everything. He was my best friend and my secret-keeper. We’d been married fifty six years and in that time we’d had four amazing children.

Annie was our oldest. She’s forty-eight now and has twins, a boy and a girl. She was always a shining star. Headstrong and determined. I always admired her spirit.

James was our second. He’s forty-four and has a beautiful girl who had her seventh birthday last month. She reminds me so much of Helen. James is my only child that’s deaf. He unfortunately inherited my genes instead of his father’s.

Sarah is thirty-nine and doesn’t have any children. She can’t. It was such a blow when she found out but we’ve always been there for her to support her when she needs us. We may not be a perfect family but we’re a close one.

Helen is our youngest. She’s thirty-seven and sat opposite me now. She was named after my sister when she died from cancer. She’d spent so long fighting it and had done so well but every time she fought it off, it just came back. I was heartbroken when she passed away but I had Joshua and my children to look after and so I just got on with it. Daddy came to stay with us for a while but in the end he moved into a home. It was the best thing for him. He needed to be alone with his thoughts and our house was chaotic, what with so many children.

There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think of Daddy and Joshua. I miss them so much but I know they’re with Mum and Helen and that they’ll all look after each other.

I guess you want to know what happened after I gave Joshua that letter. Well he came to find me the next day and without even a moment’s hesitation, he swept me off my feet and kissed me. We went through College together and then University. We were inseparable. He was the true love of my life.

I don’t regret anything in my life. I found my soul mate when I was seventeen and I never let him go. The only thing I wish I could change was his heart attack. It came so suddenly. That’s what the shock was. If it was an illness like Helen’s then it would have been better, at least I could have prepared myself and we could have said a proper goodbye but that isn’t the way it happened.

Even after fifty-six years there is still so much that I want to say to him and feel like I never told him often enough. Like how much I love him. How much he means to me. How proud I am of everything he’s done and everything our children have done.

I feel my eyes well up with tears and I don’t know where to look.

“Ma?” Helen places her hand on top of mine. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I sign back. “I was just thinking about your Daddy.”

“I miss him,” she signs to me.

I nod. “Yes. I miss him too.”

* * *

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If you’ve enjoyed this book, you’ll probably also like reading the following:

Queen Anne’s Lace
– a novel about family relationships

Skolthan
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