Read The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad Online
Authors: Karl Pilkington
Tags: #General, #humor
The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad (25 page)
‘Muktuk. A layer of bowhead whale,’ she said. I explained that I wanted to see a whale swimming around in the ocean, not in a carrier bag. I don’t think they could grasp why
I wanted to see one, to them it was just food. They offered me a piece, so I tried it. I felt a bit bad, as I’d come all this way to see a living whale before they become extinct and here I
was snacking on one. Muktuk is part skin and part fat, eaten raw. It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t that great, either. The fat broke up fairly easy, so you were just left chewing on
tasteless skin. I’m sure if they had other options they wouldn’t eat it, but they haven’t, so they do. A radio was sat on the kitchen sideboard that would broadcast news from
whalers that they had a catch. Roz and Janey told me how they help out with the whaling. It’s their job to cut it up and divide it into pieces. The whale I was eating was caught last April
2010. It was now March 2011, and I’m guessing if it was all this consistency they could be chewing on this well until 2015. The problem is, Barrow is not a place to be a vegetarian as fruit
and veg can’t be grown here due to the conditions, though, saying that, Roz’s place was so hot due to her heating being full on I’m sure she could have grown tomatoes in her
lounge. I told them I wasn’t keen on the muktuk. Roz then got something else from the fridge for me. It was a chunk of caribou meat. It didn’t have any taste, as it was frozen. At
home, fancy restaurants give you an option of the meat being either well cooked or medium to well. Here in Barrow I think the options are slightly defrosted or frozen. It’s the first time
I’ve had to suck meat to soften it before I was able to chew.
The time that is saved on the cooking is definitely taken up with chewing. I asked why she had an oven in the kitchen. She just laughed. But, honestly, why have an oven when everything seems to
be eaten frozen? Maybe it was a gift. I’ve got an ice cream maker that someone bought us that we’ve never used.
I tried building an igloo with Janey when I was in Barrow. Igloos are little dome huts that are used mainly as emergency housing. If you’re out hunting in the middle
of nowhere they offer a little bit of protection from the mental weather. Janey started by getting me to dig a hole about 6ft across, so I could lie down. I decided to dig a hole for a toilet
and made a lid. We then made the bricks by using a normal saw to cut blocks of ice on the ground and then using a spade to lift them up. Janey got a neighbour and a young chubby lad who
didn’t seem to have a clue to help out. It was going well until it got to the roof. It’s a tricky part as the blocks of ice have to be cut to slip in place.
Janey said she had to leave to go to church. The other two used the same excuse. They’d basically made a big bowl for a polar bear to eat me from. I didn’t bother staying in it.
Roz said she would like to take me to a place called Point Barrow. We put our layers back on and off we went. I’d never heard of Point Barrow, but she seemed so excited about the thought
of going I thought it was the local shopping arcade – a place to have a drink, a game of bingo, maybe. Roz gave me a lift on her snow bike. I tried to chat as we went along. I asked how many
words for snow they have here ’cos I’d heard there were hundreds. I think they invented them just to make it more interesting for weathermen here. She said there were a few, but she
seemed to be busy concentrating on riding the snow bike. I don’t know why ’cos there was nothing for her to hit. Stevie Wonder could have given me a lift in these parts, and it would
have been safe.
I ached from tensing up from the cold wind as we travelled along. I felt the cold more, due to the fact that I wasn’t doing anything. I never liked waiting for buses at home for the same
reason. I always used to walk to the next stop until one came along. An hour into the journey, she pointed and said, ‘There’s Point Barrow.’ I couldn’t see anything. I kept
asking where, and she kept pointing.
Roz eventually pulled up and turned off the engine, and said, ‘Karl, welcome to Point Barrow.’ There was nothing but a 20-foot pole. It was like everything else I’d seen
since being in Barrow. Honestly, go to Google maps and type in ‘point barrow’. If you haven’t got the internet just stand in front of a white wall. That’s what I was faced
with. She then explained that it was the northernmost part of Alaska and we were on the top of the world. I didn’t feel on top of the world. My headache was starting again, my nose was
running, and my feet were going numb. No wonder seals don’t have hands or feet. It’s nowt to do with evolution. They probably fell off with frostbite. I explained that I didn’t
think this was the top of the world, as heat is supposed to rise. I think we’ve got the world the wrong way about and that Australia isn’t down under but up over, but she didn’t
understand my point.
We were the only ones there, but I guess that was no surprise. It was really really cold now, as the sun was starting to drop. I asked her what do we do now, and she said she usually brings a
thermos with her but she hadn’t bothered today. I took a bottle of water from my coat pocket. It was frozen solid, and my Galaxy Ripple was brittle. Even my layers weren’t keeping me
warm now. Some locals stay warm wearing skins from animals and big trousers made from polar bear fur. This wouldn’t be for me. I don’t like wearing white, as I seem to have more
accidents spilling things when I wear white shirts or T-shirts ’cos I’m trying so hard not to stain them. I’m guessing polar bear pants aren’t the sort of clothing you can
just chuck in the washer either, so that’s another reason I wouldn’t want a pair. Any clothes I have that say ‘dry clean only’ means they will never get washed. I was dying
for a pee. For some reason the cold makes you want to pee more than normal. No wonder honey buckets get so full. The problem was there was nothing to pee behind. There doesn’t seem to be one
tree in Barrow. Maybe that’s what the 20-foot pole is there for. Roz said she hardly comes here but when it’s open water (not frozen) this is where they come whaling, but there would be
no whales round here for a few months. Brilliant.
After being to Barrow I don’t think I need to visit Antarctica. I imagine it’s quite similar in the way that I wouldn’t waste time debating to go to
either Tenerife or Benidorm. It’s the same stuff.
Barrow in Alaska was worth seeing just ’cos it’s a place that no one should be living in. It’s odd to think as I write this people are pottering about that place chewing on
whale blubber. I think the best way to see Antarctica is by watching David Attenborough on the telly. Let him do all the exploring. There’s nothing but snow for miles, the landscape
doesn’t change and when you see footage of the penguins marching across the place even they look pissed off with being there – and they’re from there.
As for standing on the North or South Pole I think it’s just one of those things that you do so you can tell people you’ve done it. It’s not an experience; it feels no
different from standing anywhere else on the planet. I’ve stood on the equator when I was in Africa seeing the gorillas and the memory I have of it is a nice coffee and muffin we got from
a cafe there.
The next day I got a message from Stephen. He wanted me to head over to Prince William Sound to go and see some glaciers. He explained that glaciers were melting at an
accelerated pace. I told him I was sick of seeing snow and ice but went anyway. I’m not sure what Stephen wanted me to learn from my trip to the glaciers. I’m aware that the earth is
warming up, but what can I do about it? I think I’m quite good when it comes to using energy. I’m always telling Suzanne to put a jumper or a coat on rather than the heating, or to walk
to the supermarket rather than me driving her. As I’m bald I don’t use hair dryers or hair straighteners like she does, so I’m much more energy-efficient. She also buys plastic
products that aren’t needed, like kitchen roll holders. A kitchen roll is quite happy stood by itself without any help from a holder. Also, I’m happy to wear the same socks a few days
on the run if I haven’t walked much. It’s Suzanne again who takes them off me to clean. Then there’s the kettle. When she’s making my dinner, she’ll ask me if I want a
cup of tea with it, and I’ll say yeah, so she boils the kettle then gets on with making the sausage and egg or whatever, then forgets about the tea and has to boil the water again when
she’s remembered. She says she can multi-task, but she can’t. That kettle boils the water three or four times before it hits the tea bag. I tell you, Greenpeace shouldn’t be
chasing oil companies, it’s Suzanne they need to sort out.
