The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad (27 page)

It was my job to cut chunks the size of potatoes. Octopuses are really brainy. I was telling Eric about the octopus called Paul that was able to predict the winners of each game in the 2010
World Cup. I wasn’t impressed with it knowing that England would lose though. I reckon a starfish knew that was gonna happen, and they ain’t even got a brain. I managed to get through
about five of its arms when I had to stop. The chugging of the engine, the smell of my overall and the sight of fish being cut up started to affect me, so I went outside to try and get some fresh
air, but they asked me to carry on with my work and kept shouting ‘Chop chop’. I made my way through the never-ending supply of arms. Knowledge can sometimes make things worse. Ricky
told me ages ago that the testicles of an octopus are in its head. I said, ‘Course they are. Where else would they be? They’re just a head with legs.’ That fact stuck with me, so
when they asked me to chop the head up and gunk oozed out, that was it. I couldn’t do anymore. I went and sat outside on the deck and heaved.

The director came to talk to me, but not for long as the smell from my clothes was too much for him and he walked off to be sick. Freddie the sound man offered me some pill that he said I should
put against my gum to help fight the seasickness, but it didn’t seem to work. Richard the director said I should try going inside the nicer area away from the bait. Thinking about it now, he
probably said that because he wanted to escape it, too.

I tried to take my mind off the sickness by watching one of the DVDs they had onboard. I opted for
King Kong
, but because I felt so ill I couldn’t stand for long enough to get the
disc in the machine and select the correct channel on the TV. I really wanted to get off, but I was trapped. That was the worst thing about this experience – not being able to escape. I made
my way to the very front of the boat. There was hardly any space there for other people, which was good, plus it was the place furthest away from the fish smell. I just wanted to escape and be on
my own. I sat breathing deeply with my eyes closed. Brian the captain shouted that there was a sperm whale ahead of us. I looked and just caught the tail as it went back into the water after
breaching. I thought we would be getting up close, but that never happened. As I sat still with my eyes closed I could hear the moaning sound from the whale. People say the moan is a whale
communicating, but I’m not convinced. Maybe, even though they went from being land mammals over 50 million years ago, they still ain’t got used to seasickness and that’s why
they’re moaning.

Richard the director had gone inside to try and sleep off his sickness. The pill still wasn’t helping me feel any better, so I tried the Fisherman’s Friend sweets I’d brought
along with me. They did no good whatsoever, either. I don’t know why they’re aimed at fisherman if they don’t help against seasickness. It’s not even as if the fishermen
market is a massive market. They may as well make sweets aimed at lollipop men.

I was sat in the darkness now. It was freezing, but at least everyone left me alone. Eventually, Brian came out to the front and said he was going to head back to let us get off, now that I had
seen a whale, which was decent of him. I think the rest of the film crew were also glad we didn’t have to stick it out for much longer. We got back to the harbour around 1.30 a.m. I was so
happy to be back on land.

Me and Richard were starving, as we hadn’t eaten since lunchtime, so we thought we would make use of the 24-hour McDonald’s next to our motel. The idea of a Quarter Pounder, fries
and an apple pie was just what was needed. The front door was locked, so we walked to the drive-through counter.

No wonder the world’s ice is melting when we’re forced to use a car instead of our legs.

‘What have you bought that shite for?!’ I heard my dad say while I was visiting. This is always my dad’s reaction when my mam has been out shopping.

‘You said you wanted a smart address book. You can’t get a smarter one than that, it’s wearing a tie.’

‘Yeah, but I meant a leatherbound one, you silly sod.’

My mam bought this from a charity shop. These are the only shops she tends to go into these days. Once a week my dad takes her into town, and she goes on the hunt for tat in Oxfam, the Heart
Foundation shop, the RSPCA and Barnardo’s.

‘Why can’t you find some decent stuff that’s actually worth something?’ my dad said. ‘Like the people on Antiques Roadshow. Put it in the bin!’

She’s said that when she dies she wants all the stuff she’s bought over the years to be buried with her, like some kind of Egyptian king. Except with that much garbage being put in
the hole I don’t know if it would be a classed as a funeral or landfill. My dad probably thinks he doesn’t do much towards helping charities, but he does. He’s the one who gives
me mam the money to spend in Oxfam and ends up taking the crap she’s bought back to Oxfam, which is then resold (sometimes to me mam). He’s running one big charity cycle
single-handed.

I mention these acts of charity, as this is what Ricky and Stephen want to get me involved in while I’m in Africa. The gorillas I would be seeing were in Uganda, but my first stop was
South Africa.

I signed up to a lot of these charities years ago when I lived on a high street. There were so many charity collectors on it I’m sure road accidents went up, as people had to keep crossing
the busy road to avoid them. I should have started a campaign to raise money for the much needed zebra crossings. I’d nip out on what should’ve been a quick errand to get a pint of milk
and end up back home 25 minutes later with the milk I went out for and a copy of a direct debit I’d set up to help save a limping snow leopard. I think this is why ordering food online and
getting it delivered has become so popular. It’s a way of avoiding being hassled by people with clipboards. And once these charities have got your number they don’t leave you alone.
Whenever there’s a disaster in the world I avoid answering my phone, as I seem to be the first person they get on to for help. If Red Cross ever went on
Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire?
I’m pretty sure they’d have me as their Phone a Friend.