The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (118 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A vet is making love to his wife when the phone rings. Being on duty he answers it and the client says, “I’ve got a dog and a bitch humping on my doorstep How can I stop them?”
The vet says, “Put a cell phone next to them and call it.”
The client says, “And will that work?”
The vet says, “It just stopped me!”
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good-looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her.
“Pardon me,” he asks, turning on his best charm, “but is this stool taken?”
A ninety-year-old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to an itchy rash in her vagina. When she gets there, the doctor checks her out and asks, “When was the last time you had sex?”
The old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin. He checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady, “I don’t really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt: Your cherry has rotted.”
Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think men care.
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him.”
“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “the hens are around the back.”
A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn, speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says, “My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder.”
Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing. The next guy stands up and says, “My name is Mike and I’m in for armed robbery.”
Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says, “My name is Luke, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for.”
The group leader says, “Now, come on, Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did.”
“OK, then. I’m in for fucking dogs.”
Everyone is disgusted! They all shout, “What??!! How LOW can you get!”
“Well, I did manage to fuck a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little,” Luke replies.
One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way; I don’t even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends.”
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked another man how to get a date.
The man said, “It’s simple. I just say I’m a lawyer.”
So the loser went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh, you’re a lawyer?”
He said, “Why, yes I am!”
So they went to his place and when they were in bed screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for an hour, and I’m already screwing someone!”
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, “Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field.”
A little while later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. “What’s wrong?” the father asked. “I told you to be quiet.”
The boy answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn’t swear or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my trouser leg and one of them said, ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’ well, I guess I just panicked.”
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