The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (5 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
In a train car there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular-looking blonde and a frightfully awful-looking fat lady.
After several minutes the train happened to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap was heard. When they left the tunnel the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought—That French son-of-a-bitch wanted to touch me and must have put his hand on the fat lady by mistake, who, in turn, must have slapped his face.
The large lady thought—That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.
The Frenchman thought—That fucking Englishman put his hand on the blonde and she slapped me by mistake.
The Englishman thought—I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again.
Q. Why can’t blondes waterski?
A. Because when they get their crotch wet they think they have to lie down.
A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them. After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, screws them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep screwing, and upon returning home falls exhausted into bed.
The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is beeping the horn.”
God had just about finished creating the universe, but he had a couple of left-over things in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to pee standing up.
“It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple, who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.”
Adam, excited by this idea, jumped up and begged, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals I could just let it rip. It’d be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to. Let me stand and pee, oh please...”
On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given the ability to pee standing up. And so it was. And it was...well…good.
“Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. “And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...”
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”
Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100.
She went back and informed the client, at which he cried, “That is too much!” He then asked, “How much for a hand job?”
She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.
The husband said, “Ask for $40.”
The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was really well hung. She asked him once more to wait a moment, then ran around the corner again.
Her husband asked, “Now what?”
The wife replied, “Can I borrow $60?”
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its penis, points to it and says, “Mommy, what is that long thing?”
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