The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (8 page)

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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his bedside lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her butt.

He did this for only a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book.

The wife eventually became aroused by this and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further. She got up and started dancing naked in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, “What are you doing?”

The wife replied, “You were playing with my butt and I thought it was foreplay to initiate making love with you tonight.”

The husband said, “No, not at all.”

The wife then asked, “Well, what the hell were you doing then?”

“I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.”

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...”

“Well, all right, three times...”

“Three, hmmm. When were they?”

“Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked...”

“Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?”

“Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again...”

“I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife... All right then, when was the third time?”

“Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 97 votes short...”

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $100 for doing what I do for you for free!”

Later that night, while on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m going to New York, too. I want to see you live on $200 a year!”

A recently deceased man stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. He decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend up ahead with an even uglier woman.

When he asks what’s going on, the friend replies, “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the two friends and their two ugly women are walking along minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend.

This man is with an absolutely gorgeous supermodel. Stunned, they approach the man and discover that it is indeed their friend. They ask him how come he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women.

He replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time imaginable, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, ‘Damn income taxes!’”

A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man also peeing. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man’s penis.

“Sorry,” says the taller man. “I’m not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I’ve ever seen, especially on a man so small!”

“Well,” says the little man, “that’s because I’m a Leprechaun! All Leprechauns have penises this size!”

The taller man says, “Incredible! I’d give anything for mine to be that long.”

“Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I’ll give you your wish!”

“Gee,” says the man, “I don’t know about that. Oh, to hell with it. OK!”

Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, humping away. “Say,” says the Leprechaun, “how old are you, son?”

Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, “Uh-uh, thirty-two...”

“Imagine that,” says the little man, “thirty-two and he still believes in Leprechauns!”

Q. Why don’t little girls fart?

A. Because they don’t get assholes until they’re married.

One rainy night a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet naked woman sitting in the back seat.

“Where to?” he stammered.

“Central Station,” answered the woman.

“OK,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?”

“Well, ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.”

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does THIS answer your question?”

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything smaller?”