The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (51 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!”
“Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”
She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been fishing again!!!”
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don’t have eyes.
A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry,” the nurse stated, “but for this reading I cannot use an oral thermometer.”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confessed, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t... Not with a carnation anyway.”
Q. How can you tell if you’re making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A. The teacher says, “We’ve got to do this over and over again until we get it right.”
The nurse says, “Hold still; this won’t hurt at all.”
And the airline stewardess says, “Put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.”
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Man: “So what happened that’s so horrible?”
Farmer: “Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
Man: “OK, but that’s not so bad.”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Man: “So what happened then?”
Farmer: “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
Man: “And then?”
Farmer: “Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
Man: “Again?”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Man: “So, what did you do then?”
Farmer: “I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
Man: “And then?”
Farmer: “Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
Man: “Hmmm...”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Man: “So, what did you do?”
Farmer: “Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.”
There’s a guy who really takes care of his body: He lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really suntanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, “There really is no justice in this world.”
The other little old lady says, “What do you mean?”
The first little old lady says, “Look at that.
When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.
When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.
When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.
When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.
When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.
When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.
And now that I’m 80, the damned things are growing wild!!”
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I’m not giving him any of mine.”
Second Bull: “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him ‘til I run him off or kill him, but I’m keeping all my cows.”
Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to ‘take care of.’ I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows.”
They’d no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it—the biggest bull these guys had ever seen! At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to breaking point.
First Bull: “You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
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