The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (52 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Second Bull: “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”
Third Bull: “Hell, he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull!”
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, “I have a dead pussy.”
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, “Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.”
Q. Did you hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”
“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.”
Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
“Okay,” he said. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven—then there’s you—nine, ten, 11, 12, 13...”
What men would do if they had a vagina for a day:
Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
Squat over a handheld mirror for an hour and a half.
See if they could finally do the splits.
See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes.
Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic examination and ask to have it recorded on video.
Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
Finally—find that damned G-spot.
One day a young girl wearing a skirt goes out to play with her friends.
She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.
The boy says to the girl, “Go on, climb that tree.”
The girl climbs up while the boy just stands there and looks up her skirt. After a while the girl goes home and tells her mom what happened.
Her mom says, “Oh my, stupid girl, he just wanted to stand there and look at your underpants.”
The next day she goes out again with her skirt on and meets the same boy. He tells her to climb the tree again and she does.
When she gets home she tells her mom what happened and her mom says, “Oh, my, stupid girl, he just wanted to stand there and look at your underpants.”
The girl replies, “No, actually I tricked him. This time I didn’t wear any underpants!”
A little girl walks into her parents’ bathroom and notices for the first time her father’s nakedness. Immediately, she is curious: He has equipment that she doesn’t have.
She asks, “What are those round things hanging there, daddy?”
Proudly, he replies, “Those, sweetheart, are God’s Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn’t be here.”
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, “Did he say anything about the dead branch they’re hanging from?”
A man was walking one day when he came to a big house in a nice neighborhood.
Suddenly, he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree, then another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house and knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
“This is a brothel,” replied the madam.
“Well, what’s all this out on the lawn?” queried the man.
“Oh, we’re having a yard sale today.”
A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys came on to her.
Her mother said, “It’s very easy! Whenever a boy starts talking to you, you ask him, ‘What will be the name of our baby?’ That’ll scare them off.”
So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her. Little by little he started kissing her and touching her.
She asked him, “What will our baby be called?”
The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: A boy started to kiss her neck and her shoulders. She stopped him and asked about the baby’s name, and he ran off.
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