The Girl Code (7 page)

–COLETTE

THE JUDAS KISS

When your lover is guilty of something and plants a kiss on your cheek, just as Judas did when he turned on his Almighty One. Watch him, woman, he's up to something. (If flowers or other unprompted gifts accompany this kiss, you are in serious trouble.)

Things to Assess:

Your phone bill and credit card statement for any unauthorized purchases,

Whether there are engagements coming up that he doesn't want to attend,

Where he was all day,

Most important, where he was last night.

As an Omen:
“He walked into the dinner party late, made big apologies to everyone, and planted a Judas kiss right on my forehead. Something's up.”

TIARA TIME

The point at which your lover makes you mad enough that you reach into an imaginary jewelry box, put on the tiara you deserve—and let him know what a princess you really are. Wear it well, honey, and let him have it.

When to Put It on:

If he's unsure whether you should attend a business dinner as his date,

If he believes it's fine to go out with his ex on a Saturday night,

When you've witnessed excessive flirting with another woman,

If he watches three sporting events in one day.

As a Warning:
“He told me I should put on more makeup to go out to dinner with his friends—well, that just set off tiara time.”

CHEERLEADING

When your date is driving like Speed Racer and you're so panicked that your life might end that your limbs are flailing around madly. To onlookers it must seem that your favorite team is playing, because you're bouncing around like on hell of a cheerleader.

You Should Probably:

Tell him to slow down before you cramp up,

Explain that whatever he is racing to isn't worth it,

Advise him your sex drive will be functioning in direct correlation to the brake,

Get the hell out of the car and walk if none of this works.

As a Last Confession:
“I didn't try out for cheerleading in high school for a reason, so unless you want an imaginary pom-pom to knock you out, you better slow down.”

A TOURETTE'S MOMENT

The point in an argument when you are so angry and frustrated that you blurt out information you really never meant to share. No matter how hard you backpedal, those words are never coming back.

Particularly Damaging Information Is:

That your ex was bigger/stronger/better,

That you never really liked his mother anyway,

That you have made out with his best friend,

That you know he's wearing a hairpiece.

As an Explanation of Why You Broke Up:
“During a fight this morning I had a Tourette's moment and told him that I've been faking all my orgasms. I'm in big trouble.”

APHRODISIACS

When you are at fault in the argument and can't bring yourself to apologize, you can always employ an aphrodisiac like alcohol to help divert his attention from anger to sex. This is most effectively used after the argument is over but while you are still in trouble.

Reasons to Reach for the Aphrodisiacs:

Sorry
seems to be the hardest word,

Men believe good sex is better than an apology,

A decent bottle of wine costs eight dollars and an apology may cost millions,

It's hard to keep raw oysters fresh in case of an argument.

As a Noun:
“So I spent the rent on a new dress, what's the big deal? I'll slip him a couple of aphrodisiacs and all will be forgotten.”

AN EMERGENCY “I LOVE YOU”

Warning: To be used only in dire circumstances. If you really have pushed him too far and have not yet professed your love, saying “The Phrase” for the first time will immediately put him in a state of temporary insanity, leaving you forgiven of all wrongdoing.

Be Careful of:

Employing this too early and leading him to believe that you are not only wrong but crazy, too,

Making him think you are pregnant,

Allowing him to believe you're his love slave,

Using this in a relationship that is too fleeting for such extreme action.

As an Out:
“I was really busted big-time, but I employed an emergency'I love you’ and all was forgiven.

That was close!”

THREE THINGS

If You've just exchanged some verbal blows but you don't want the battle to escalate into full-blown ware, you cane make a peace offering of sharing three things that you really like about him and then asking him to do the same.

The Rules Are as Follows.;

Emphasize one of his traits that is sweet and kind,

Compliment him on something that has nothing to do with the argument,

Reveal something you truly admire about him that you've never mentioned,

Listen very carefully to the three he tells you, as they are the key to making all better.

As a Cry for Help:
“I understand you didn't meant to insult me, but you did, and now we need to do three thin before I insult you back”

Gifts

“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”

—A N AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

BIG-TICKET ITEM

That very special gift that costs him enough money or pain to immediately spring him from the doghouse. Size of gift varies according to geographic location.

Here's a Rough Estimate:

As an Object of His Affection:
“Everything's fine now. He knows he's wrong, I got a big-ticket item this morning.”

AN AMNESIA STONE

Given when you've reached that point in your relationship when you're expecting an engagement ring. You open up an expensive-looking box to find any piece of jewelry—other than a diamond—that is so big you're supposed to forget about expecting a proposal.

It Better Be:

Absolutely huge,

As expensive as the engagement ring would have been,

Worth giving him six more months to bite the bullet,

Flattering enough to call off your mother.

As a Modifier:
“No, I didn't get a ring, but this tennis bracelet is working wonders as an amnesia stone.”

CODEPENDENT PRESENT

When your lover is an avid sports fan and buys you lessons or equipment so you can spend your weekends doing what he likes. Keep in mind: Even if you don't share his enthusiasm for this hobby, playing with your man will prevent him from playing with other chicks when you're not there.

Typical Types:

Scuba lessons from your guy at the beach,

Tennis instruction from your blue blood in the Northeast,

Hiking boots from your Midwestern man,

Whips, chains, or handcuffs from that weirdo in the West Village.

As an Answer to Why:
“It's actually just a codependent present for him, not me—but what the hell, every girl should know how to ride a dirt bike.”

P.M.
PRESENTS

These are the sexy underwear ensembles that a man gives to you in the hopes of seeing you in them later. They represent the ultimate in pleasure for the gift giver and the ultimate pain in the ass for you.

Usually Something Like:

Dental floss underwear for your birthday,

The one-piece lacy freezing satin thing for the Christmas season,

A black panty set that looks lumpy underneath your New Year's dress,

Valentine's Day stockings with garters that fall down as soon as you're in public.

As an Eye-Opener:
“Last night we tried out his
P.M.
present, and now I know why those catalog models are always pouting.”

OFF THE SHOPPING LIST

Those practical gifts that are completely unromantic but totally needed in your house or apartment. You know, those things you've been meaning to spend your own time and money on, but having him spend his works for both of you.