The Girl Code (15 page)
Shirt two sizes too small = just a bimbo he's doing, or a hotty he's trying to impress them with.
Well-made power suit = girl he aspires to date regularly, marry, or be kept by.
Simple dress that makes her look either sexy or like the girl next door = the one they should all be vying for.
FIRSTS ARE FOREVER
If you tell a man he is your first, after ninth grade he will automatically assume you're lying. If you manage to convince him otherwise, he will treasure it forever. (So if you do lie about your virginity and make an ass of him, he'll probably spend eternity trying to make one of you.)
ONCE HAD, TWICE SHY
If you've already dated a guy in a circle of friends and now you find yourself fancying another one in the same circle, odds are he may not go for you.
However,
men are more disloyal about sex than anything else, so if you really want him, persistence will pay off.
BLOCK BUSTERS
If you've been around the block with more than two guys in the same crowd, guy number three or more in the crew will never be your boyfriend. This new man you engage in this posse is there only for the action: because men will torture the hell out of one another for dating a woman the rest of his mates know all too well.
INTEREST POINTS
When a man is interested in a relationship, there are three kinds of dates that let you know:
Dinner for two: because he wouldn't listen to you for ninety minutes unless he really wanted to,
Meeting the family: because he wouldn't get them excited unless he thought there was good reason,
His favorite sporting event: because he wouldn't risk this heartfelt pastime with someone who could possibly ruin it.
The Mother Code
The following is the Pledge of Allegiance to The Girl Code. If Moses was a woman under that tunic, I think these would have come from the Almighty One.
Learn them and live by them.
The Top Five Laws of The Girl Code
5. RECIPROCAL THERAPY
If your heart is broken and your girlfriend spends hours trying to put it back together, find a way to reciprocate, in whatever way is meaningful to her. Girlfriends always deserve to be repaid for their efforts (whether it's helping organize her closet or buying her the little dress she could have picked out for herself while she was helping you). When you don't bother to return her favors, it's not friendship—it's freeloading.
4. “THERE BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD GO I”
A little reminder about bashing your fellow females: Before you verbally slam a sister, remember that you can't judge her unless you've walked in her shoes. We need to stand up for one another, or no one else will. Be a good teammate.
3. NEVER COUNT
If you don't know how many men you slept with, it will never get you into trouble. If a man asks, you don't know. If he insists, tell him it is against The Girl Code to reply.
2. DON'T BET THE FARM
It is never good or plentiful to date your girlfriends’ boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, crushes, long-term attractions, or brothers, because the odds are against you that she will ever be your friend afterward, even if you marry one of them.
1. NEVER BETRAY THE T-SHIRT COLLECTION SOCIETY
All women know that we secretly collect men's garb, until we marry them, at which point it's all ours anyway. This starts in high school with varsity jackets, progresses in college to all sporting attire (highest points going to sweatshirts), and postcollege to man-tailored shirts, suit jackets, and eventually socks. Never admit that we compare, collect, and grade our wins.
In closing, ladies, I leave you with one last quote:
“A woman is like a tea bag: you can't see how strong she is until you see her in hot water.”
—
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
And one sentence of advice:
The only thing you really need to get through anything in life is girlfriends
—value them accordingly.
Go get your dreams, girls.
RELATIONSHIPS/HUMOR
DIANE FARR
was a co-host of MTV's cult phenomenon
Loveline
for two years. She also appeared as Tracy on ABC's
The Drew Corey Show
and as Maria Deluca on the WB's
Roswell.
She is currently starring opposite Denis Leary on ABC's
The Job.
Diane Farr regularly contributes to
Cosmopolitan, Jane,
and
Soma
magazines. She lives in Los Angeles and New York. This is her first book.
ALL WOMEN KNOW
that Training Wheels (fake diamond earrings) don't count as a Big-Ticket Item (a gift big enough to get a man out of trouble). Most have spent an evening doing Raw Cookie Dough Time (after they've been dumped) and, when they were really desperate, dated men from the Recycling Bin. (What did you hate about him? You don't remember.)
But for anyone needing a translation, or just a laugh, Diane Farr offers a whimsical guide to dating vernacular. Part not-so-secret code, part code of silence (remember: never admit to collecting boyfriend T-shirts), and part code of h onor (girlfriends never ditch each other at a singles bar, no matter what),
The Girl Code
is as funny as it is familiar.
Author photograph by Saint John Photography
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